Being a better supportive husband

[Lmov807]

Hi, I'm having a very hard time being the supportive husband my wife needs of me. We have known each for 9 years, engaged for 4 years and now married for 1.5years. We have 5 year old twins, raising them without a village around us the whole time due to distance and family conflict.

My wife has been upfront about having anxiety and depression since day one, has medications and has been engaged in counseling for many years. Even with all her mental health pains she has been my number one cheerleader which I never had in childhood or as an adult.

We never fought prior to kids but life since the twins has been difficult. The lack of support during covid has been marked and has taken a toll on both of us. We have had to battle so hard to survive those early days, there has been so little relief since. So much of our trauma from our youth and previous relationships are being relived and triggered in raising twins. For me, childhood trauma of being endlessly criticized for not doing exactly what has been asked of me. I have been seeing a psychologist for about a year to work through plus life now as a husband and father with mental health and kids in that discussion too. For my wife it's much more severe anxiety and depression. And that's where I'm having problems.

Prior to kids I could reassure and be a person she could depend on the help ride it out but now none of this works. She literally has mentioned what she needs in those times, clear communication to the smallest detail, ask questions on her well-being and listen with empathy. I admit I don't do this every single time. I will either miss a detail, often the smallest bit that is forgotten, not outline everything on my mind each time we communicate or have a too small view of the situation, as in not seeing it from other viewpoints. This causes significant conflict. It then send me down a hole of failure, anger and self pity. I find it hard to get back up, reassure my wife, learn from what has happened and to get better. I know I'm extremely hard on myself but it keeps happening. And when it does, I take on that lesson but the next time it's another thing and another. I'm overwhelmed with everything I need to do and each and every time. There is always something else to be mindful of, unfortunately I will forget and then this causes more grief. I know a lot of this can be prevented on my actions but it's hard to keep on top of 

[TrueSeeker]

Hello

I'm so sorry that you're going through all that, I can see how exhausting and frustrating it is for you. To me, you're doing your best and that's all you can do. Unfortunately, increased anxiety can make us more sensitive and it's easier to overreact to things.

I think that you both definitely need a bit of break and maybe find time to relax. I know that it seems impossible at this moment, maybe trying to prioritise things and focus on the important things only can help to find some time to deal with mental health as it's very important.

I find walking very good as "grazing" is our natural relaxed state and it's a good time to discuss things with my partner as well in a more calmer manner and kids can join too. 

I hope that this helped a little bit, please let us know how you're doing whenever you feel like it

[therising]

Hi Lmov807

You need to give yourself an enormous amount of credit. Raising ourself to be more open minded, more conscious, more feeling etc can be one heck of a job and doesn't always come easy (especially when we're facing a number of challenges in the process). 

As a 55yo gal, it actually took me decades to finally work out how raising myself works. Up 'til then I used to question along the lines of 'What's wrong with me? Why do I keep cycling 'round and 'round into a depression every time?'. Truth is we can be cycling up and not even realise it, when raising ourself through challenges. A depressing period can precede the point of graduation to next level consciousness, next level open mindedness, next level feeling etc. 

The thing many people fail to mention regarding this 'next level' business is it can have a seriously challenging side to it. It can be along the lines of 'Now I'm becoming conscious of so much, including the things I wasn't fully conscious of before such as certain things from my past are cropping up for me to work through. Now I'm becoming more open minded, better tuning in to the voice of reason, the voice of intuition etc, I'm also able to tune in to the brutal voice of my inner critic and it's incredibly depressing. Now I'm becoming more feeling, I'm feeling a lot of emotions I've never felt before, ones that are challenging my mind and body'. If you throw in the challenge of becoming more of a visionary (able to see things more clearly), this can lead to daydreaming to the point of distraction (focus issues) and/or being able to see not just the best ways forward but the worst ways too. 

Becoming a master of greater consciousness, a master of open mindedness, a master of feeling and emotion, a master of vision and so on can come with a seriously tough initiation process. You could say we're apprentices in the process of reaching 'master' status. Finding masters in each category of learning and greater self understanding is something that I found makes a huge difference. For example, a master of feeling or sensing won't necessarily tell you to stop feeling or being sensitive regarding the challenging stuff. They'll help you manage feeling or sensing the challenging stuff so as to become more conscious of what it's really all about.

Hmmm🤔, yes, was not a huge fan of the government during covid lockdowns. While I appreciated them not wanting us to suffer from covid specifically, they offered us no masters in helping us manage the physical/chemical side effects of lockdowns, the mental side effects and even the soulful or soul destroying ones.