Depressed partner leaving a long term relationship - is it the depression or relationship?

[_-_]

My long term partner (19+ years with children) has recently been diagnosed with severe depression and thinks it would be best to move out to focus on themselves.

Up until the past few months relationship has been happy, engaging and intimate, although full time work and family has left less time than we would like to spend with each other. 

Whilst my partner has been working lots, I can see that they started to withdraw in the past couple of months and showing several physical (sleep issues, weight loss) and emotional signs (withdrawing, irritable, constantly worried, not enjoying social activities) of depression.

They also stated that they no longer feel in love with me. 

In the last month they have decided that there is not enough feelings on their side to try to salvage the relationship.

This was quite shocking, as we have always enjoyed each other, never had big arguments or a particular trigger - I thought he was simply stressed from work load and us both being busy.

They mention that they just feel numb and want to work on themselves to find out what makes them happy again. This feeling has applied to our family and social life as well.

I'm assured there is no third party and I believe them.

They don't enjoy being at home as it makes them anxious and they have withdrawn from myself and the children but have made an effort to keep things as normal as possible. 

Outwardly they are high functioning and find work to be soothing and rewarding, however they admit to masking in most other social settings.

They have recently been to a GP and been diagnosed with severe depression and some anxiety, and recently started engaging with a psychologist.

We have been openly talking about how they have been feeling for the past few weeks and there has been no animosity but it's still hard to hear as I love them deeply.

They have said that they care for me and want me to be happy, but they also want to find happiness themself. They hope to remain friends and continue to co-parent amicably.

They seem so sure, but it also seems so different and sudden.

I'm committed to supporting them and will manage as best I can.

It's hard for me to know if it's the depression that has impacted their feelings for me, or if it's genuine.

I also know that I would take them back in a heartbeat if given the chance 

[Croix]

Dear _-_

Welcome to the Forum. I'm sorry to hear how bad things are at the moment. It is made worse becuse I'd expect you would not know where you are, and what is actually happening. Having a partner who has been close for 19 years to say they want to move out is a huge thing to deal with.

Maybe it would help if I said how it was for me, I was on the other side of the table, the one with depression and anxiety. While I continued to hang on at work for a long time things  built up until I could no longer function and think properly.

I was not in touch with myself, it was as if I was on the other side of a darkened window watching myself. I could see what I was doing but did not understand why. I no longer knew myself. As an example I had no idea who I loved - if anyone at all - and was not even sure I was capable of love.

My mind was so preoccupied by depressive thoughts and hopelessness I had no capacity left to cope with other people and wanted to just be left alone.

This was a terible time for my wife. at first she thought she had dome something to make me that way, not being loving enough, thin enough, looking after me enough and other supposed failings too. It was only after she saw my psychiatrist and was told my behaviour was to be expected as symptoms many people had that she realised it was not her.

I was very had to communicate with , for one reason I was not consistent, and even asked somthing quite ordinary like did I want a cuppa, sometimes I'd say thanks, other times I was full of resentment and anger.

I would not have blamed her in the least if she had left, but instead she hung on and looked after me the best she could -while holding down a job, looking after the family, and doing all the household finances and chores.

One thing that greatly helped her was her mum, who supported her with love ,and in practical ways too.

You will be glad ot know in my case with therapy, medication, time and family support I improved. Nowadays I am worlds different to how I was and love and accept love, support as well as being supported, and am again ok to live with. I owe my wife a great debt, her support was a constant I needed even if I did not realise that at the time.

I felt very guilty about all that had happened however I had the chance to repay her when supporting her though a very long illness before she passed away. I am grateful I had  the  opportunity.

Please do not think I'm suggesting any course of action for you, it is your decision. Living in hopes the things will return to how they were is not always realistic.

I can't say everyone is the same, I cannot say that what is happening with your partner is the same as what happened to me or that the result will be the same. I sincerely hope it is.

May I ask if you have anyone ot support you, family  or a friend perhaps? Trying to face this alone is extra hard.

I hope you decide to come back and talk some more, you will always be welcome

Croix

[_-_]

Hello Croix,

Thanks for your reply and sharing your story - I'm glad that you are doing well.

I do have great support and will reach out when I need to - at this stage we have not yet discussed the situation with family and friends as my partner is still planning how to best go ahead with moving out re work and children.

For me the hardest part is such a sudden change, the harsh and absolute rejection, not knowing what is going to happen, being supportive and still having to keep everything running as best I can - ultimately feeling helpless.

I can only imagine how hard it is for my partner as they used to be such a caring and involved person. It's hard to want what's best for them when it feels like it's going to be the worst thing you could imagine, but I know that's selfish of me.

I imagine telling our children is going to be one of the hardest things either of us have ever done.

[Croix]

Dear _-_

As you have said this is sudden and a radical change from the past, also that you suspected stress or pressure may have had a part in this.

I do not wish to give you false hope, you paint a grim picture, however may I suggest that you both take things slowly. As you can have seen from my account my feelings fell away entirely for a while, but did return. I'm not saying this is the case here, however considering what you have had moving cautiously would seem appropriate

It might be beneficial to consider some sort of half way or trial move, with your partner simply moving out, having his condition frequently reviewed and see what happens.

In passing I'd mention that some commonly prescribed medications did not have the expected results on me -after all everyone is different, and the effects I suffered were most adverse. Now of course I have the correct meds, they suit me and do not have noticeable side-effects.

I hope you would like to tell us how you get on

Croix

[_-_]

Hello Croix,

Thank you for your insight, it's helpful to understand from another point of view. 

I've stressed to my partner that we should not be making any permanent changes whilst they are so newly diagnosed and just starting recovery.

From what they have told me, I think they feel that moving out is their first step in the process that will enable them to concentrate working on themselves and their recovery.

They tend to be good at planning and actioning so I expect this will make them feel like they are actively addressing the problems they currently see.

I am not trying to stop them as they are very determined. I have offered to help with household items etc if they would like me to.

I have asked that they go back to the GP next week if they haven't noticed any improvement from the last visit. I don't think it's appropriate if I attend at this stage, however I've asked them to bring up some queries:

What options are available?

Why are they relevant to my condition?

How will they work?

Whilst they wish to remain friends and co-parent, all affection and talk of love is now off the cards to avoid any confusion.

Im trying to be supportive and respectful - they don't want to be told that I love them as they don't feel that way.

I get that things are unlikely to go back to where they were, and whilst I'm hopeful that we can get to the stage where they might be willing to work on the relationship I realise that this may not happen and the separation will be permanent.

Hopefully there will be some improvements from treatment and they can start to feel better in themselves.

For now I guess it's just wait and see.

[randomxx]

Hi op.

l'm far from an expert but my partner has told me similar health wise for her. Not the out of love part, but she says she just can't even look after herself atm let alone work with 2 of us. l'm in two minds and have been told here that whether she loves me or not- which she still tells me all the time, it's not the right kind of love or she'd want to work it out. Maybe so, l'm not sure. We're both divorced earlier so thankfully between us there are no kids involved but l'd be thinking for you two , there are and so his idea will at least enable him to still be as gooda dad to his children as poss under the new arrangement. That's a huge huge thing , not only for him and will help him a lot, but for them too if they can adjust and forgive him in time, or maybe understand later on.

But he could also realize he's not out of love to with a bit of space and a chance to get his bearings , it does happen and is with my gf also as we speak, depression, anxiety, messes with us so deeply..

ldk, but anyway , just thoughts for what it's worth. ps, was wondering why you've gone to such lengths in referring to him as them or they all through ?

Anyway, l really hope for the whole family, something can be worked out in time.

rx

[_-_]

Hello R, 

Thanks for the reply and another point of view.

Yes I'm hoping we can find what works best for my partner and the children as well.  We will have to see how it goes but I will do my best to be there for all.

I didn't use they/them intentionally so there is no significance but I can see what you mean.

I hope all goes well for you also.

[Croix]

Dear _-_

I'm glad you are taking your time, even if it seems to be prolonging what may be a very upsetting situation.

You may have wondered why talk of love was 'off the table' . This rings a bell with me because, as I mentioned before I'd no idea who if anyone I loved or even if I was capable of love. When told by someone that they love me it actually made me feel worse, I think it was guilt, an added burden,  that I'd drawn away and could not reciprocate.

Again I've no idea if my experiences parallel your partner's, I hope they do as my feelings did return. I am not trying to raise false hopes, just give you a more complete understanding of one of several possibilities.

I guess as you say waiting and seeing is the only practical course.

Croix

[_-_]

Hello Croix,

Do you mind me asking what did or did not help at home during the times you were struggling?

I understand depression can affect everyone differently, but any insight would be appreciated.

[Croix]

Dear _-_~

That's a very hard question to answer, and in fact my memory of the whole mater is a little patchy (a symptom related to the results of work I was doing at the time) however the first and most obvious thing was  the the basic cause of my problems which was my work. Once I was disconnected from that a whole new set of problems around identity or purpose emerged but al least the original cause was gone.

Still I guess I could say that the unswerving support of my partner was a long term huge factor. Actually I've been reluctant to say this as it might influence you to stay when you ought not. In any event she had the close emotional and practical help of her mum all through and it made a big difference to her.

Logic does not help - it is no use saying something was not my fault, or that things would get better, or how I was feeling was because of my conditions. They were irrelevant. The mere presence of somebody could be of benefit and feel supported, equally it could make me want them to go, not matter what their intentions. I think because my mind was fully occupied with the depressive and anxiety thoughts i had no capacity left to deal with others.

Strangely enough the family dog was an asset, and I found it helpful.  Reading, once I regained enough concentration, was an escape and welcome. In fact it was a great help while in psych wards too.

My wife, with the assistance of her mum,  did all the housework, looked after the offspring and went on going to work. The fact all such practical matters were taken care of this less me relived as I was not really in any state to either remember or carry them out (as an example my driving was terrible as I'd forget my destination or to go to the school as end of day)

Quiet was of benefit as was the ability to shut myself away when I needed to. May nightmares were soothingly interrupted by my wife, a tricky thing to do and I always worried I'd instinctively lash out as part of the dream before becoming conscious (I never did).

Ensuring I kept my medical and psychiatric appointments was a real boon, as was sometimes driving me to them. Later on accompanying me on occasions.

As I always convinced myself the worst of possibilities would happen, the car break down, she would lose her job due to time taken off, the offspring would permanently regard me differently etc - having someone there to reassure me that such matters were in fact highly improbable;e and there was every chance nothing would happen.

If I tried to argue or gave way to anger she would simply walk away -as far as necessary, which was sometimes difficult

Well, I've used up my allocated 2,500 characters for one post so must stop. I'm not sure how much help all this will be, of course there are a lot of other things however that's plenty for now:)

Croix