Confused about the future with my depressed partner

Pinky_ · ‎31-12-2014

My partner of 5 years was diagnosed with depression about two years ago on a standard appointment with his family doctor. He was confused by the diagnosis as he did not feel sad and asked me not to tell anyone. His doctor said that depression can manifest itself in other ways and because some of the other member of his family have anxiety he needs to keep an eye on himself. We have always had an amazing relationship with no problems and knew that we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together.

About a year ago he was showing symptoms of anxiety and at one point had to go to hospital as he suffered a panic attack at work. He has always been the kindest, most loving person that would do anything for me. This year, and in particular the last 6 months have been the most challenging of our relationship. Not really knowing what the symptoms of depression were I was confused by the sudden irritability and moodiness I would encounter when I would see him. I knew he had been having sleep problems for quiet a while and I encouraged him to see a doctor about it but he didn't want to. He would normally be so on top of his health and want to see a doctor but not anymore. I ended up reading up on depression and found that he had almost every symptom. I addressed it with him and he said that there was nothing wrong and that he was just changing as a person. I also spoke to his siblings and they were concerned that something might be wrong as well.

He has been questioning our future together recently saying that he is concerned that we are getting old (we are only 28) and that nothing has changed in our relationship. I addressed the depression topic again with him but he insisted that there was nothing wrong and if he thought there was he would go a see someone. He has been putting unnecessary pressure on himself and recently changed jobs for this reason. He wanted to take a break from the relationship and has now decided that he thinks we should break up but couldn't give me a clear reason why. He said that he loves me and it is so hard for him to do this to me. I know that he has been drinking almost every night and I recently found out that he has been trying to get drugs and is taking sleeping pills.

I don't know where to go from here. I have done a lot of reading to educate myself and I know that he has to realise there is a problem and I also need to look after myself. I just want him to know that I am there for him. How else can I help?

The_unknown · ‎01-01-2015

Hi Pinky,

I am in the exact situation with my partner of six years. I think it is great u have taken the time to educate ure self on what is going on for ure partner. your right about one thing ure partner needs to recognise/acknowledge what is going on first. He is going to be self destructive and that's the hard part to stand back.

I defiantly know this will be difficult on u and u have a number of questions ie what happened to my happy guy. So I would encourage u to seek counselling ureself, I have found it beneficial as it gives me a place to vent and get some clarity with my thoughts. u need to look after ureself and that also means u need to do things that u enjoy.

i think u are doing all u can at the moment with ure partner just remind him u are there, u have to patient and supportive. I hope this may have provided some assistance and u know u are not alone.

Los · ‎01-01-2015

hi Pinky.. I posted on here as a way of seeking support... And here I am writing a reply to you. This is almost healing in itself for me.. Because you need to be in a space where you are safe emotionally... And when you are there, you will be able to support your partner.

treating someone badly is not OK... And I have just had this validated by vary generous people online here in relation to my own situation.

throwing alcohol and other substances into the mix creates a whole separate set of issues... And they also need to be considered in deciding a way forward.

i hope you are able to look after you... And I know that my focus has to be also on looking after me.

take care... L

geoff · ‎02-01-2015

dear Pinky, I'd like to welcome you to the BB site and thanks for coming to us.

The 2 comments above by The Unknown and Los have mentioned some good points, so firstly can I suggest that you click under 'Resources' and order 'all the printed material from BB, it's free and no charge what's so ever for you.

All the information is very helpful and it involves a great deal of points regarding any type of depression so that you and your partner can read.

Anxiety is part of having depression or it falls under the category of this illness, so that's why his doctor has told him that he does have this illness.

I would also suggest that he does the K10 test, but it's best to let him do this by himself so just google it, and BB has a test as well, the score will tell him if he has depression.

People hate being called depressed just as your partner does because some still feel as though it's taboo, but now the work has been put into teaching the media by BB about this disease has done wonders and now it's viewed as being not a taboo topic but a common illness.

I am no psychologist but from what you have said there are definite signs that he has depression, but being in denial is a problem which hopefully the K10 test and the printed information will make him believe that he needs to go and see his doctor.

Doctors are obviously well flourished, very astute and knowledgeable when it comes to depression, because a large amount of their clients suffer from it.

Can I remind you that when someone suffers from this illness, what they say isn't what they really mean, but we would love to hear back from you. L Geoff. x

Pinky_ · ‎02-01-2015

Thanks The Unknown and Los for your support and suggestions.

Geoff thank you also for your suggestions. When I address the depression issue with him I say that it is nothing to be ashamed of and he says that he knows that but insists nothing is wrong. I have even had his siblings bring it up with him and he still says there is no problem.

He is a private person and I know that not many people would know what's going on in terms of our 'breakup', not even some of his family. When they do see him he perks up and is completely different to the person I see all the time. I'm worried that if I speak to other members of his family they won't believe me because of the act that he puts on in front of them. I also want to speak to his best friend but am worried that he will tell my partner what I have said, which would make him angry.

we haven't seen each other for a few weeks but I have sent him messages and he has replied which is positive I guess. When I do organise to see him I don't know if I should bring up my concern again and also that I know about the alcohol and drugs.

geoff · ‎03-01-2015

dear Pinky, if he is stubborn and won't concede eventually it will break, because something along the line will happen, but at he moment if you raise the issue of alcohol and drugs this will only make him cross and dig his feet in deeper. L Geoff. x

Pinky_ · ‎04-01-2015

Thanks for the advice Geoff. I also wanted to ask in terms of depression I have read that a normal 'bout' of depression can last 4 to 8 months. I'm assuming it is different for everyone. Would this still be true for someone who doesn't seek treatment? Also would they come out of it naturally or would it take something major for them to realise?

P x

geoff · ‎05-01-2015

dear Pinky, thanks for getting back.

I am sure that the majority of people would have just loved their depression to be only for 4 to 8 months, but I was diagnosed with it back in '95 and recovered if I can call it that 10 years ago, and so many people would have had it for 20, 30 or even longer, but this doesn't mean that your partner will have it for that long.

Someone with depression who doesn't seek treatment are in danger of forgetting about those deep thoughts, which are their problems, they maybe able to overcome the superficial problems, but these deep problems are still with them, and will raise their ugly head from time to time, so the answer is no.

When they are in denial something that happens will make them realise that it's time they need help, no one can tell them, it's up to them only to figure this out.

The other point here is that once we have had depression we really never overcome it fully, please don't be too alarmed by that, as in my case I have had several relapses but they only last for a couple of days, but as you say everyone is different. L Geoff. x

Pinky_ · ‎05-01-2015

Dear Geoff, thanks for the insight.

About 6 or 7 years ago I'm pretty sure he had a depressive episode from what he has told me and his mother. Of course they didn't know it was depression but the way he was behaving is similar to now but unfortunately this time is worse. The tell tail sign for him is that he suffers from psoriasis. He has only had it that one time 6 or 7 years ago obviously as a result of the depressive episode he was going through and it lasted about 6 months. The psoriasis started again about 6 months ago, that's how I knew something was wrong.

His family went through some loss when he was quiet young but they never dealt with the issue by talking about it or seeking councilling and I know this is the underlying issue for all of them. He has spoken to me about it every now and then but some of his siblings don't even talk about it and they all have some sort of anxiety issue.

Is it silly for me to think that our relationship is still fixable considering I know he is not himself. I know he still loves me and that he is pushing me away so he doesn't upset me more seeing him like this. I just don't want to have a false sense of hope or be blinded by love so to speak, but deep down I know it will work out.

P x

geoff · ‎05-01-2015

dear Pinky, you sound to be a lovely caring lady, and people like you aren't easy to find, so I do commend you.

Can you please google this 'psoriasis and depression' if you haven't already, there seems to be a lot of information on this site.

I take it that he may have been subject to some type of abuse as a young kid, but I don't want to suggest this and comment on it until it is disclosed, because I realise that it's very sensitive topic and I don't want you to talk about as he may lose trust with you.

Love has many commendations, and I have mentioned this before in another post, like I am divorced but I still love my ex, as she does for me, so to answer your question, you have to look at it two ways, and these are whether you are prepared to weather the storm with him, and in reverse whether he wants you to help him, putting aside that he is pushing you away and taking into account that is doing this as most depressed feel.

If you do decide to leave him, then your love for him can be no different than how I feel for my ex, and perhaps if you want another direction then take it.

I say this because it's your post. L Geoff. x