Supporting family and friends

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Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s?

replies: 3

Hey everyone, It’s hard to miss the talk around the new social media restrictions for under 16s, set to roll out across Australia in early December. We’ve heard from some of the younger members of our community, and now we’d love to hear from parents and caregivers. For some, this change might feel like a welcome relief - a clearer way to manage social media use and protect young people. For others, there may be concerns about how it will affect access to online support, questions around how age verification will actually work, or frustration and powerlessness over a decision beyond our control. All of these feelings are valid. If you’re a parent or caregiver, or you have some young people in your life that will be affected by these restrictions, how are you feeling about this change? We’ve created this space for anyone caring for young people to share their thoughts, ask questions, and support each other through the uncertainty of the months ahead.Kind regardsSophie M

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience

replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

by Carmela •

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Posted in Supporting family and friends

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15-07-2016

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My mum is suffering from depression & I don't know what to do anymore.

replies: 2

For the last 8 years I have lived away from home and had no idea how bad my mum was suffering from depression. I moved back to my parents home a month ago and the reality of how bad things are was reallyshocking. According to my dad things have been like this for ages "it's just how it is""you can't fix it" "just leave her alone". My poor dad is a little bruised and very unsure as what do, it's been going on so long now I don't think he realises this is not healthy for anyone. I had a chat with my mum & she agreed she was depressed & hated her life & hates my father. She has so much anger & hate not only for herself but everything around her. Her self confidence is shot and believes she can't do anything.It's so sad to see, cause she is a wonderful woman. I did research on phycologist in the area and found a lady I think will be good for her but we could get an appointment till March. Mum had been much better, we spoke about positive thinking & trying to see the good instead of the bad. I thought she was doing really well. Last night she lost it, it was in a second everything changed, she tore into my dad and it was so horrible. I tried to talk to her but feel I didn't help, maybe made things worse. I myself have suffered from severe depression, and have worked so hard to manage and understand my mental health, so that I can enjoy my life. I understand how difficult this is for my mum, but I'm starting to feel useless, the sleepless nights defiantly are not helping.

i need advice i know now i need help but even this is a big step

replies: 1

hi all i need advice i now realizei have needed help for a long time over the last ten years my family has been to hell and back. i quit school at 14 to work so i could help my mum provide for my family so they had food and house to live in. im the youngest of three i felt like it was my responsibility no matter how bad i felt about myself as long as my family were happy it didn't matter to me until now im 26 i have no friends i just split up from my long term girlfriend 3 months ago because im always sleeping,moody and never sleep i get really angry at everyone its like im in auto pilot as im used to for the last 10 years now once i lost her everything is coming back all the things my family got to grieve for while i just took it on the shoulders. the stuff i have seen would break most people and now it has broken me years later. i feel like i cant live anymore with this sense of emotion i would never harm myself as i watch my mums boyfriend do that but some nights i go out by myself just hoping someone would end it and i only come home disapointed. im not sure what to do i have to much pride to see a doctor as say how i feel thats why this is a big step for me i can barely get up to go to work anymore. i can never sleep i get anxious even when i have to go into a family dinner and allmost dont go ive all ways used booze to numb it all i use to drink 1 bottle of bourbon a night now i have 2 beers for the last year and im tired of living this way any advice will help im just more scared of being seen as the weak one when ive always been there for everyone beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636. Normal 0 false false false EN-AU X-NONE X-NONE /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt; mso-para-margin-top:0cm; mso-para-margin-right:0cm; mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt; mso-para-margin-left:0cm; line-height:115%; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi; mso-fareast-language:EN-US;}

The Point When Suddenly its all Your Fault

replies: 3

Having lived with a depressed wife with alcohol issues for many years I have seen many different stages of depression. For reasons I cannot understand each stage is followed by exactly the same one again and again - Denial. Acceptance then denial, Grief then denial etc. The denial always keeps coming back. Wife has a history of getting through a bottle of vodka in the hour or so before kids (14,12,10) come home from school. She tells me she loves our kids - I tell her love is meted out in actions, not words. She has been in treatment this time round for almost 2 years - psychologist, psychiatrist and has spent 16 weeks of the last 12 months in rehab/psychiatric hospitals. Current state of play is that its my fault as I don't have faith in her ability to get better. Its true I have lost faith - after 30 or so episodes of coming home to find her plastered I have moved on from supporting her first to protecting my kids first. Wish I had done this sooner. Apparently I have also been too controlling and yet at the start of treatment she would not see anyone unless I came along. Took about a year for me to extricate myself from her ongoing treatment visits. I also suggested she should get herself banned from local bottleshops. Finally I begged my wife to call me anytime she felt like she was going to drink and I would try to talk her down. Offer has been there for 2 years and never been used, despite me repeatedly making the same offer. Just prior to xmas I made the decision I need to separate from my wife. She's currently halfway through an 8 week rehab stay. Has only stayed there because I threatened to lodge child abuse (neglect) paperwork with the family court. Now waiting for her to come back from rehab and pick up her stuff before we can move on. The thing that finally persuaded me to leave and seek custody was the realization that she doesn't want a spouse/lover. She wants a parent she can turn around to and say 'Its all your fault". Its a horrible choice because there are many things about my wife I love very much and I feel like I'm deserting her. But I cannot be her parent any more.

dont know what to do :(

replies: 4

One of my close friends has really bad depression and bullimia (however you spell it) He went to a psycologist a few months ago and was told he was fine and doesnt have anything (i know for a fact he does, the psycologist doesnt know him so cant know for a fact what he does and doesnt have, now my friend thinks he is fine and everyone that tells him how sick he is he thinks they are the sick ones I dont know what to do im worried about him and because he thinks he doesnt need help he wont get a second opinion.

Floundering Parents of a 23 year old

replies: 1

We have a 23 year old son who has been suffering with anxiety for the past 6 or so months. He had been living out of home and when this started he moved back for support. We thought that this was a great move and we organised a counsellor to help assist him. His visits were monthly. As time progressed our son decided to leave a job he thought he was unhappy at and moved to a job with much less hours and higher expectation. This has caused him to display more depression type symptoms (some days I feel like I can see the black dog at his heels) and he sees his counsellor fortnightly and we have gone with him a couple of times. Things don't seem to be improving, he is becoming more demanding, creates stories about situations rather than fact; it takes a great deal of time to talk things through (his dad is wonderful with this, but travels a great deal) and I feel as though I am watching my son disappear. He says he hates people and doesn't trust women (1 bad brief relationship has stuck with him). He is now waiting on a uni offer and my gut feel is that he might not get in (his past results were not good) or how he will cope living away while going to uni if he does get in. He struggled with school and I see disappointment if he fails. I am normally upbeat, but I am worried that there is a crisis looming. We have tried to discuss plans for when he gets into uni, and plans if he doesn't. The explosion was huge and then he would not discuss further. We have discussed this with his counsellor, but he has not discussed this with our son. I have suggested medication, but the counsellor is not keen on this, but the GP has suggested it to him. I sometimes feel the counsellor is being overly supportive of the family/son situation, maybe to 'soft'. Our son tells him stories of how well he eats, exercises and that he is meditating, etc., but he diet is very poor ( he became vegetarian and eats very little veges, no fish, no eggs, etc.) he rarely exercises and spends much time in his room. We are becoming increasingly worried and frustrated as we watch him walk further into the abyss. Help!

Husband's drinking & depression, don't know how much longer I can do this....

replies: 18

HiLong story short. I love my Husband. I've been with him 5 years, married for almost 3. I knew he had problems with alcohol before and his family think he's all better since we got together, but that's becuase they don't see what I have to deal with. He doen't drink every day, but he can't go a week without getting smashed and he also can't have one, he has to be last one standing or the world will officially end (so I'm told). There is a history of mental illness in his family (his father passed away from dementia, his eldest Brother is on various kinds of meds for stress & depression and has also had counselling. My Hubby thinks he is "weak" becuase of this. Hubby can['t tolorate weakness or the thought that anything can be wrong with him. BUt I know what depression is, I've recovered myself and I see it. When he drinks, he gets worse. Hehates himself, life, everything (he hates everything normally anyway but magnify it by 1000 when he is drunk). Ive had to watch him head butt walls, punch doors, throw anything he can get his hands on, all while screaming at me. How I'd be much better off without him and he is a useless waste of space. When he is like this there is no talking to him, I can plead, beg as much as I want, he won't listen. It hit a head a week ago. I was away for the evening and he had been out all day with his buddies. He called my crying, begging for help. I drove home like a maniac.I didn't sleep that night. I had to stop him choking on his own vomit twice all while being told thins was all my fault and please just end it for him while he slept. I'm 38, I want kids. The marriage still hasn't been consumated because he was drunk the entire honeymoon and I refuse to be a single parent. I' m so scared I love him but I can' t do this anymore. I can't be terrified the entire time he'll get hammered and end it all. He says when he is sober hos favourtie words are "unfortunately" and "disaster" becuase that is what life is to him. I'm losing myself because of this. I'm sinking myself and I don't want to be there again. Thank you for listening. Even just doing this helped so much.xxxbeyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

Feedback about my emotions with my PTSD partner

replies: 4

Hi everyone. I've been scouring the internet looking for little pieces of wisdom in regards to my emotional state in regards to being in a relationship with a PTSD sufferer. I would love to know how come of you cope with my below issues: In short: We are both young (Both 25 years old), We have known each other for 8 years. Over the past two and a half years we have become close - best friends, partners in crime - and we decided that we cannot deny the feelings we have for each other, so a the risk of ruining our friendship, we decided its time to give it a shot.. He has PTSD from the Army. He is also super smart, in a way that i can't even begin to keep up with. He tells me things that go on in his head, and in real life, that he has never told anyone else, and I feel honored. He is seeing a psych once a week, but he doesnt feel like it is really helping him at all. He came off his meds in March 2014, which is great because he now only feels 'real' emotions, instead of fabricated drug induced emotions. I've been reading heaps of books and online posts about what we can do as a partner to help him. And thats great! There is a lot out there. Now I'm struggling to deal with my emotions. Mainly in the following areas: - His lack of interest in sex. It's a lot better now he is off the meds. Saying that, it only takes one tiny stressful thing for him to be completely uninterested, and rejection hurts. -seeming to not be attracted to me (I know he is attracted to me, but I need to be appreciated - I guess this goes hand and hand with the above point -Sleeping arrangements. 1) He has very bad nightmares, and when he wakes up he is always mellow and depressed, emotions which will last for the day, if not longer. 2)Because of these nightmares, he doesn't sleep normal hours. He will stay up all night, until 5 or 6 am then go to sleep in the daylight hours. It is impossible for me to be okay with this since I have a fill time 9-5 job, and lack of sleep greatly impacts my work/life balance. Sleeping in separate rooms? How do we keep the spark? - He doesn't have a job - Hasn't had one for 2 years, and I'm okay with that. How about anyone else- how long has your partner stayed out of work? -We cannot do a lot of things together because of his injuries. He cannot walk more than 200m at a time due to leg injuries. This means no romantic strolls along the beach, no hikes or bushwalks. Even simple things like finding a carpark at the shopping center is hard. Thanks!

struggling

replies: 9

Hi, My wife has posted on here with the issues we have been having.She is known as Mrs C She was diagnosed with bipolar 2 in July last year.she had several attempts of self harm in November, the first time she called me about and I rushed home from work.She had made her own appointments to see her doctors. After a few hiccups we ended up drive to the city which is a 15hr drive. After talking to people on line and in person I have found out she wasn't treated with the respect she deserved. I did everything I could to keep her where she could get help, but after her treatment she is scared to get help. We have been to her GP numerous times which is at least a 1-2 week wait. we have a plan of picking a doctor in the city and start again.She is worried what if they say the same thing and worse laugh at her. I don't know what to say but I will go with her.I wanted to get her help before xmas but she didn't want to as her parents were driving across the country to see us.Her self esteem is very lowI am finding it hard to concentrate at work. I feel I am not being really productive, but I cant stay at home, she thinks I dont trust her. She has started talking about getting revenge on people that hashurt her (this is not her) and wants to go somewhere that none knows her. I guess this is better than wanting to die. I am not good at this stuff, Any advice would be great thanks beyondblue’s clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

Borderline Personality Disorder

replies: 5

I am concerned that my husband has this disorder and want to approach him about it so i can get him help. I am not sure how to do this and worried he will get angry and not accept it. I have also been suffering from depression myself, caused a lot from losing my job. We have financial strain as well, and have been arguing about money. He has a lot of the symptoms and he is quite hard for me to deal with a lot. and of course im not well myself so i am not coping well either. i really want to try and get through this together. things have been hard lately, stressful for both of us and i want to find happiness together again. Anyone with advise for me would be greatly appreciated. Thankyou.

Confused about the future with my depressed partner

replies: 10

My partner of 5 years was diagnosed with depression about two years ago on a standard appointment with his family doctor. He was confused by the diagnosis as he did not feel sad and asked me not to tell anyone. His doctor said that depression can manifest itself in other ways and because some of the other member of his family have anxiety he needs to keep an eye on himself. We have always had an amazing relationship with no problems and knew that we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. About a year ago he was showing symptoms of anxiety and at one point had to go to hospital as he suffered a panic attack at work. He has always been the kindest, most loving person that would do anything for me. This year, and in particular the last 6 months have been the most challenging of our relationship. Not really knowing what the symptoms of depression were I was confused by the sudden irritability and moodiness I would encounter when I would see him. I knew he had been having sleep problems for quiet a while and I encouraged him to see a doctor about it but he didn't want to. He would normally be so on top of his health and want to see a doctor but not anymore. I ended up reading up on depression and found that he had almost every symptom. I addressed it with him and he said that there was nothing wrong and that he was just changing as a person. I also spoke to his siblings and they were concerned that something might be wrong as well. He has been questioning our future together recently saying that he is concerned that we are getting old (we are only 28) and that nothing has changed in our relationship. I addressed the depression topic again with him but he insisted that there was nothing wrong and if he thought there was he would go a see someone. He has been putting unnecessary pressure on himself and recently changed jobs for this reason. He wanted to take a break from the relationship and has now decided that he thinks we should break up but couldn't give me a clear reason why. He said that he loves me and it is so hard for him to do this to me. I know that he has been drinking almost every night and I recently found out that he has been trying to get drugs and is taking sleeping pills. I don't know where to go from here. I have done a lot of reading to educate myself and I know that he has to realise there is a problem and I also need to look after myself. I just want him to know that I am there for him. How else can I help?

Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s? replies: 3

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience replies: 41

My mum is suffering from depression & I don't know what to do anymore. replies: 2

i need advice i know now i need help but even this is a big step replies: 1

The Point When Suddenly its all Your Fault replies: 3

dont know what to do :( replies: 4

Floundering Parents of a 23 year old replies: 1

Husband's drinking & depression, don't know how much longer I can do this.... replies: 18

Feedback about my emotions with my PTSD partner replies: 4

struggling replies: 9

Borderline Personality Disorder replies: 5

Confused about the future with my depressed partner replies: 10