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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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grandmakris48 My Narcissist Son
  • replies: 1

Well, since I left my son alone for awhile he is now inviting me and husband over for dinner. This is the only way I can see my granddaughter. His house, his rules, his plans. I guess I have to accept it for what it is. I just miss spending time with... View more

Well, since I left my son alone for awhile he is now inviting me and husband over for dinner. This is the only way I can see my granddaughter. His house, his rules, his plans. I guess I have to accept it for what it is. I just miss spending time with my granddaughter by myself. I have made up my mind to be civil, but not to put up with anymore abuse from him. He thrives on putting me down and making me feel less than. Anyway, I hope all goes well. Every time I am around him I am walking on eggshells, never knowing what to say or when to say it. We will see how it goes tomorrow night

Lost2014 Being Strong for a partner who only sees Hate, Anger and see me as the enemy.
  • replies: 10

I am hoping to see if anyone can assist me is to how to cope with my current situation. My partner suffers severe anxiety and depression. I do my best to be there and support him but nothing i do seem to be enough and always get blamed for his emotio... View more

I am hoping to see if anyone can assist me is to how to cope with my current situation. My partner suffers severe anxiety and depression. I do my best to be there and support him but nothing i do seem to be enough and always get blamed for his emotional stresses. I try with all my might to be there to be supportive and meet his needs and try not to upset him. My problem is that the harder I try it is still not enough. I get abused verbally and sometime physically. Blamed and accused of being dishonest and at times being accused of things i know i could never do. He will cause the biggest argument over petty things. Possessive, territorial and very manipulative. I want to help my partner as i believe that he isn't who is it and that this sickness have consumed him so much . I love him with all my heart but he is hurting and sometimes i think he does it intentionally to drag me down with him. Our relationship have always been up and down and has been ongoing for the last 5 years. I am well aware that it is not healthy but you can't help who you love. Our separation is due to his insecurities and the lies, cheats and being disloyal. He blames his condition but are not willing to do anything about it. He continues to come back and says he loves me and he wants me to be there to help him. I do this in hoping that he will pursue to seek help and i will be there with him. He will initiate at start but after 1-2 session he becomes aggressive and not follow through. Despite all the faults and the pain i endure i still stick by him because i believe he can move past this. In most recent event. He have decided to go through my phone and have questioned me about a friend that I am mutually connected with and would consider a best friend. I shared my concern and was seeking support. My partner took offence of the situation and saw me betraying him and that I'm cheating which was not the case. due to this, he became extremely angry and hateful to a point that he moved out and he sees nothing but negative. I love this man so much and I am willing to do anything to help him recover from this. But he cannot be reasoned with and he sees me as an enemy rather a partner who is trying to give him the support. He is so consumed by it all that even though I am trying to be there... I end up being the one that takes all the heat and be blamed for all of it. Can anyone here relate and are able to help?

stillofthesilence How do I cope with the possibility that my new partner may become severely depressed someday?
  • replies: 7

Hi, I am not exactly sure where to start, but this is one of the only places I could find online for the partners, family, etc. of those whosuffer from depression. I recently started dating somebody whosuffers from depression. She started medication ... View more

Hi, I am not exactly sure where to start, but this is one of the only places I could find online for the partners, family, etc. of those whosuffer from depression. I recently started dating somebody whosuffers from depression. She started medication a few months ago and it has been going well. One thing she's noticed is that while the day-to-day hopelessness and despair are gone, she feels everything more intensely than she used to. So the highs are good, and the day to day is good, but worries that if something happens and she swings into a low it will be more than she can handle. She is afraid of hitting a wall when something that life throws at her causes her to snap - that she won't be able to handle it and will be lured in by the dark force of distressing thoughts. Has anybody else experienced this? That is my first questions. The second part is that I am quickly falling in love with her. We have very open discussions about her depression and mental health, which I really value. I am not going to run away from her depression, or her, just because it may cause me worry. Itseems that I've hit a point where I'm like okay, if I am going to love her and be with her, then I need to figure out how to live without worrying in a debilitating manner about becoming severely depressed. I can handle the depression, getting her out of bed to get food in her body, and many of the other tough parts about being with somebody with depression. I know this. I just don't know how to handle the possibility that someday she may not be able to cope anymore. The thought of it nauseates and devastates me now, and I can't imagine what it would do to me if we continue down this road and end up being together for many years.

losingagrip losing touch
  • replies: 2

I have been dating my partner for 4 years. I was aware from the start that she suffered from anxiety & depression but didn't understand the magnitude of this ugly beast. She takes medication & has regular visit's to doctors. The medication she takes ... View more

I have been dating my partner for 4 years. I was aware from the start that she suffered from anxiety & depression but didn't understand the magnitude of this ugly beast. She takes medication & has regular visit's to doctors. The medication she takes helps her to sleep & control her moods. Side affects overeating lack of labido & always tired.Her medication seems to be severely affected when having even just a few drinks. She has great difficulty getting to work on a regular basis & it putting a huge strain on us financially & in our relationship. What makes it so hard is she is smart beautiful & so much potential but won't or can't seem to put the effort in to give herself every chance of a happy life. I know this a demon we will probably have to manage & live with for.test of our lives but I am running out of it's okay's & don't know what to do. Any advice would be appreciated !

Wobbles Really don't know what to do, need some advice please.
  • replies: 4

I've been with my partner for just over two years and we've had our ups and downs. He's always known i struggle with mental health, depression and anxiety but we've always just dealt with it, i see a psychologist and havent taken meds since January, ... View more

I've been with my partner for just over two years and we've had our ups and downs. He's always known i struggle with mental health, depression and anxiety but we've always just dealt with it, i see a psychologist and havent taken meds since January, i've been improving. The problem, is that my partner now is the one really struggling with depression. Looking back over the last 10-12 months, it has been progressively getting worse and it's really affected our relationship. He is not the talking type, refuses to talk to me and just doesn't have the skills to do it. I've finally managed to get him to realise he's not himself and hasn't been for a long time and has seen the GP and been given meds. He's only been taking them for two weeks so i realise they haven't had time to start working properly.I'm struggling because he continues to do things tohurt me. It's little stuff every day like being inconsiderate, thoughtless, snappy, withdrawing, and generally behaving very uncaring, unloving towards me and is unable to support me or show me any love when i need it myself. I have been continually showing him love, support, understanding, patience, encouragement and reassurance but it's never enough. He'll have a good few days here and there which raises my hope but then he'll suddenly go down hill again. It's now at a stage where he doesn't seem to care at all about anything, including me and our relationship. I've told him he's breaking my heart and he just doesn't seem to care. He's finally told me he feels like a robot and is struggling to feel anything. I've realised i've been personalising everything he's been doing, feeling like it's me, he doesn't love me any more and he doesn't care about me. Which is and has been particularly hurtful.I'm at a loss as to what to do. I feel like we need a break for him to get his head straight, figure out what he really wants, give the meds time to work, but he has no where to go and i'm worried it will make him go further down hill. I understand he's in the grips of depression and isn't simply choosing to be uncaring etc, but i'm really hurting and am fed up! I know i need to take care of myself, and my children, and try and make life as normal as possible for them, but this is consuming me, the hurt, the anxiety, the pain, i can't focus on anything else and i really don' t know what to do. He needs help, but he can't communicate and is afraid of doctors. I love him to bits, i'm lost.

Unloved_wife He doesn't love me anymore
  • replies: 11

I have been with my husband for 7years. Married for just a year. Both 32. i knew before I married him that he had mental health issues before but I thought he had hold of them. He didn't. We had huge problems at the beginning of the year, especially ... View more

I have been with my husband for 7years. Married for just a year. Both 32. i knew before I married him that he had mental health issues before but I thought he had hold of them. He didn't. We had huge problems at the beginning of the year, especially when he drank and finally he said he would go and see the doctor about it all. Months passes and it wasn't until we were in Fiji for a wedding and celebrate our 1 year he told me that he doesn't love me anymore, and really hasn't loved me since June. I'm devastated. We get back and after many tears he finally goes to the GP. She diagnoses him with PTSD (from a big incident 15years ago) and anxiety. He is now on medication, only for less than 2 weeks now. But he's talking about ending our marriage. he wants to move out, permanently. We've been sleeping in separate beds for 3 weeks now, he doesn't touch me or kiss me. I have convinced him to give it a month to really get the drugs working, and to start seeing a psychologist (there was a big wait time) but I just feel deflated and so heart broken! My husband doesn't love me. i am trying to be positive and think that it's just "the fog" talking it's not him, but he's given up. Totally. He doesn't want to try. Will this get better?? Am I an idiot to think he can change his mind and come back to me? I meant my wedding vows - good times and bad, but how can I be the only one fighting for our marriage?? i feel so lost and alone.

Wondering_why What do i do
  • replies: 4

I have been dating a wonderful woman for the past three to four months and everything couldn't have been better until two weeks ago when she told me that she couldn't give me what i wanted in a relationship right now, but says its not over baby i lov... View more

I have been dating a wonderful woman for the past three to four months and everything couldn't have been better until two weeks ago when she told me that she couldn't give me what i wanted in a relationship right now, but says its not over baby i love you and always will. We still have been talking every night on the phone and texting all the time. She always sends me songs via text through youtube with lyrics, all the songs are about love and how much someone loves the other. She also texts me saying she loves me and always will and im the best thing that has come into her life and i deserve better and sends me "goodnight baby sweetest dreams for you, i'm always thinking about you, i love you" texts every night. i have not seen her for two weeks and she finally admitted that she is depressed and is in a dark place at the moment. I tell her i want to help but she refuses and texted me saying she has shut everyone out. She also drinks every night. I really love this woman, i have not met anyone that has brought the best out in me. could someone please give me some advice how to help her? <>

Girlkay Supporting my mum
  • replies: 2

Hi, I am an only child and have been trying to support my mum who has really bad depression she was sexually abused by her grandfather when she was young and her parents are alcoholics who hardly see her she hates herself and constantly tells me this... View more

Hi, I am an only child and have been trying to support my mum who has really bad depression she was sexually abused by her grandfather when she was young and her parents are alcoholics who hardly see her she hates herself and constantly tells me this she takes anti depressants but has not been taking them for the last few months and has reached rock bottom yet again, she also takes pain relief tablets constantly. everytime she is like this she tells me she wants to end her life and I dont ever know what to say or do to help her? can anyone suggest anything? she says speaking to a counsellor doesn't help because it brings back everything that happened to her as a child. is it wrong for me to think she can't be helped and she should just do what she needs to do?

sarahss to seperate or support.
  • replies: 12

After again trying hard to sleep in the spare bedroom I decided it is now time to seek some advice and support of my own. My husband of just 8 months is going through a very tough time with depression... I believe he has had it continually since we m... View more

After again trying hard to sleep in the spare bedroom I decided it is now time to seek some advice and support of my own. My husband of just 8 months is going through a very tough time with depression... I believe he has had it continually since we met 3 years ago but it is currently at its worst ( he has a hx of depression as does a number of his family members). We have tried numerous different medications and doses.. he has been seeing a psychologist for aprox 7 months...( I have also discussed with him seeing a psychiatrist due to our inability to find a medication that helps) I have seen a small amount of improvement in that time in that he has a routine of washing the cars weekly. I feel horrible and selfish in saying that I am now at a point where I am so angry, frustrated and lonely that I feel as though I am ready to leave. I myself have a history of depression and can feel myself being dragged under. I am very fortunate in the fact that my husband is still able to work. When around family or friends he is the person I met years ago... but as soon as we are alone theres nothing. No talking. No love. No intimacy. Do I give up? I feel as though im losing hope and in turn im losing the ability to support him.

celticweirdness dealing partner who has BPD and my own depression
  • replies: 1

Finding it really hard to keep supporting my partner who has borderline personality disorder on top of my own depression and anxiety........ the mood swings, the anger outbursts, the manipulation is ripping us apart and when we try to talk within sec... View more

Finding it really hard to keep supporting my partner who has borderline personality disorder on top of my own depression and anxiety........ the mood swings, the anger outbursts, the manipulation is ripping us apart and when we try to talk within seconds its all about her again and i get left to swallow all the feelings and make it ok for her. How do people do this long term? its been 4yrs now and its not getting easier, she says she wants help but i dont trust in even that anymore..........she sees a counsellor but i dont think she is honest with her. my partner has diabetes and eye issues from high sugars, recently she stopped taking any of her meds or insulin, self sabotage as she described it when i pinned her down for an answer............now she is not testing her sugars again and lying to me about it, flat out lies then gets upset when i catch her out..... i dont know how to keep going, i love her and our life together but how long i can keep going i just dont know. anyone got experience of dealing with a partner with borderline personality??? thanks