to seperate or support.

[sarahss]

After again trying hard to sleep in the spare bedroom I decided it is now time to seek some advice and support of my own. My husband of just 8 months is going through a very tough time with depression... I believe he has had it continually since we met 3 years ago but it is currently at its worst ( he has a hx of depression as does a number of his family members). We have tried numerous different medications and doses..  he has been seeing a psychologist for aprox 7 months...( I have also discussed with him seeing a psychiatrist due to our inability to find a medication that helps) I have seen a small amount of improvement in that time in that he has a routine of washing the cars weekly. I feel horrible and selfish in saying that I am now at a point where I am so angry, frustrated and lonely that I feel as though I am ready to leave. I myself have a history of depression and can feel myself being dragged under.

 I am very fortunate in the fact that my husband is still able to work. When around family or friends he is the person I met years ago... but as soon as we are alone theres nothing. No talking. No love.  No intimacy. 

Do I give up? I feel as though im losing hope and in turn im losing the ability to support him. 

[white knight]

Hi sarahss, welcome to Beyond Blue forums

My eyes and ear sparked up when I read- "When around family or friends he is the person I met years ago... but as soon as we are alone theres nothing. No talking. No love.  No intimacy. "  This is too much a contrast.

There seems a lot mare to this situation than him suffering depression.  A while ago I wrote a thread on carers and the minimal amount of effort a sufferer should make towards their partner/carer.  eg If one can walk to the bathroom during the day and answer the phone then you can at least welcome home your carer when he/she walks through the door at the end of many hours of work. It is simply unsatisfactory to not do this. Your husband is going further.

I'm sorry to have to be open and honest but you have 2 choices-  to have a meeting with him and lay down your needs and desires. Failing that relationship counselling. 

Take care.   Tony WK

[sarahss]

Hi tony,

Thankyou very much for your reply. 

 And thankyou for confirming that if there is an ability to have a 'normal' day to day life, there should be an ability to be able to show me SOMETHING, ANYTHING. And sometimes the depression isnt 100% to blame

 we have had discussions, during which he shuts down and says nothing or says 'im working on it with my psychologist'. I found out that during a psychology session(aprox 4 months ago) it was suggested that we plan some time away, and to plan it together. Unfortunately this 'homework' of his is the only thing on the list yet to be done.

I am beginning to feel our relationship is coming last on the priority list... should it not be number 1 or 2?

I am no longer feeling as though im being unreasonable. I actually feel slightly played. Especially in the fact that it is starting to plague my own mental health. 

 Is it unreasonable to request a meeting together with his psychologist? I have no idea what progress has been made or where he should be up to... and im not sure she is aware of his behaviour either...

Your honesty is much appreciated. No need to apologise

 x

[geoff]

dear Sarahss, welcome to the site.

From what you have said about your husband it seems as though he has a tendency towards having OCD and if so whether the psychologist has even mentioned it, I maybe on the wrong track here but would be curious.

It may seem as though he may not have told them, and if he does have it then this is more related to having anxiety, but this does fall under the heading or umbrella as I say of been depressed.

It is quite easy to hide it when talking to the psych, as I used to do, so I would ask her if she knew that I was doing a habit, and she didn't, however she all ready knew that it was one of my problems.

I'm old being 60 and have had it for 54 years.

You are in a very difficult situation here because it's starting to affect you and your health which you should start looking after yourself first now, because two depressed people can never get on together, as decisions will need to be made, and if you are depressed then you can't think clearly enough.

Let me know about what I have asked you, so I hope that your post stays on page 1 otherwise I may miss it, only because there are so many other posts to reply to, but as I have had OCD it interests me a lot. L Geoff. x

[dougall]

Hi, I think you should go and see someone just to confirm how you are feeling.  I lived with someone who was pessimistic, that is what I called him, I was very optimistic so thought I could rub off on him, silly me, he brought me down and I now suffer from anxiety and depression.  We went to counceling, I went first as everything reached critical, when he thought he was treating me better we stopped and he resorted back to the old ways, it was easier and less work.  We are not living together as he left but I see him everyday and he says he still wants a relationship with me but not live with me. Can't really explain how that makes me feel.  When he left my anxiety dropped at least 70%.  I think what I am trying to say is you only have one life and if you are not happy either fix it or move on.  It does take two to have a relationship and it need continual work.  I got some physical contact from him but never any conversation about emotions.  Physical contact without emotion is as bad as no contact at all.  Hope you do the right thing for yourself.  Women tend to put others first, not all but most, that is what I done all my life, still am to a certain extent.

[westgirl]

I read this post and realised that you could be describing my own life except I have been supporting someone with depression for over 15 years! 15 years of support have eroded my self esteem and confidence, I use to be a very different person - fun outgoing and happy. the medication my husband takes has basically taken away his libido, there is no intimacy in our marriage and has not been for a long time. He is awesome amongst friends and I get enjoyment from watching him be happy and confident in these situations but at the same time miss that person in my life even to the point of resentment and internal frustration.

We have had many talks about this and he acknowledges that it is unfair for me to live like this - is this as good as it gets? I don't want to live my life as a carer or a housemate I want to be his wife I don't think this is unreasonable. For every depression sufferer out there there is one suffering right along side of them - they are the people under the radar just eternally waiting and hoping for things to get better while their own lives slip away.

I don't know the answer and I would feel like a failure if I walked away, a failure at supporting the person I have given half my life to and disappointed in myself for quietly handing that half of my life away to the selfish demands of mental health issues. Quite the problem indeed! I know I exist as my own person as does he but maybe depression has turned us into versions of ourselves we now don't like and don't understand and yet we have to learn to live as those versions.

If depression has made me depressed (I hope not because I see and acknowledge good and beauty every day) - what a waste! And I will not tolerate two medicated people in this house living shadow lives.

I don't know what to do - leaving this marriage is the last resort but it is coming on the horizon I think. xxx

[RJaay]

Thanks for posting to all on this thread. I too am in a situation where after 13 years and 2 kids hubby has always had the traits of depression and was diagnosed last year when it finally got really bad. He recovered rather quickly and took himself of the medication, but after the past 5 months of unemployment for him the stress is getting to him and the traits of his depressive behaviours are coming back.  Reading all of the comments I feel you're writing my life.   We have no relationship that fills my bucket and I always wonder where is the line is between the depressive behaviours and simply a pessimistic person.  

 I am now questioning what a relationship is really meant to be like having been in this one for so long and when I try to talk about it, hubby turns it onto me and says our lives are not a fairytale or like a movie and he questions that I am the one with the problems?????  

Are relationships meant to be this hard? and do I persist through the tough times whilst he is unemployed and see what happens once he heads back to work (he works in the mines so he misses me greatly when he is away then too much time together and there is no communication).  

[sarahss]

Hi Geoff,

Thankyou for replying to my post. 

I would be interested as to why you would suggest that ocd may be a concern? There is a level of anxiety which his psychologist is aware of, but i cant place OCD within my husbands current condition (with the little facts i know of it), but you never know?

He does tend to have a routine of getting out of the house and washin the cars as menioned, i thought this was part of his recovery as he lacked motivation to do things.

Now as i sit here typing this response, he used to check all switches, lights, heaters, buttons etc when leaving the house but hasnt done this for quite a while now....

I would be interested in your reply.

[sarahss]

Hi Dougall,

Thanks for responding, and i do see where you are coming from, at the end of the day if we are past unhappy and are beginning to be pulled under, is it ok to live like this? I am starting to think not.

If depression/anxiety were a condition that could be cured i may be able to push through, but its not.

We can only give so much.

I am currently in the process of seeking someone to speak with for MYSELF. thankyou for sharing your story and i am glad your condition has improved since doing whatever it was you needed to do.

[sarahss]

Hi Westgirl,

Thank you for your response, i am both glad and saddened to hear someone understands what i am going through.

I am beginning to think it all comes down to hindsight... will we leave and look back and be happy or sad? regretful or relived? unfortunately im seeing more of happy and relived... 

I am feeling very Taken for granted, as you mentioned also we relish in the times where we see our husbands happy, why cant they be happy with us?

I have actually just finished writing an email to my husband (as when i speak to him i dont feel heard and i get quite emotional...we'll see how this goes) and from previous posts have started to think... is it the depression? or do we just have a serious marital problem?? 

I will be trying marriage counceling with someone who has some experience in depression within relationships.

I am 100% you in the fact that i do not believe 2 people who are depressed can be together... it would be disasterous. medication is not something i am willing to step up to yet, for the same reason.

I am at breaking point in the fact that i actually wrote 'if i do not see some improvement in our relationship like you have managed to have in the rest of your daily life, i will need to separate from you for my own mental health'

 Depression from depression i think is more common than we like to believe. Our own self worth and happiness is what (when we one day realise) we need. 

only we can give that to ourselves, nobody can do it for us.

Being happy does not make you a failure, it makes you the strongest person you can be.