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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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Koala_Bear Future SIL may have NPD
  • replies: 2

Hi,My daughter has been in a long term relationship with someone who I suspect has NPD. He exhibits all the classic symptoms, only child spoiled by doting parents. Life of the party. Baiting. False Accusations. Triangulation. Selective Memory, Select... View more

Hi,My daughter has been in a long term relationship with someone who I suspect has NPD. He exhibits all the classic symptoms, only child spoiled by doting parents. Life of the party. Baiting. False Accusations. Triangulation. Selective Memory, Selective Amnesia. Thought Policing.I can see myself being isolated from my daughter now they have moved in together. And no doubt I will be classified as the MIL from hell.My daughter is pretty strong willed and has a good self image, so she calls him on it sometimes, but long term I fear she is going to be put into the "mother" role. And I doubt he will want to have kids as they would distract attention away from him.It is up to my daughter what she does with her life. I can only tell her that I will be there for her and let her know she can talk to me if she needs to.But how do I deal with him? I can see him already trying to find fault with everything me and my husband do. "You're not hugging me right" (it should be one arm over and one under to avoid being domineering "That's racist" no matter what I say. I can only imagine what he says about out us when we are not there.

grandmakris48 My 26 year old Narcissist son
  • replies: 3

Hello. I have a son who is a narcissist and is getting worse by the day. He has my only grandchild and is withholding her from me. He will not let me spend any time with just her; He has to be present. He gives the orders on what everyone can say or ... View more

Hello. I have a son who is a narcissist and is getting worse by the day. He has my only grandchild and is withholding her from me. He will not let me spend any time with just her; He has to be present. He gives the orders on what everyone can say or not say, do or not do and you must obey his commands or else! I am very close to my granddaughter who is 6 years old and a diabetic. I have helped take care of her since she got diagnosed with diabetes a year and a half ago. I have been medically trained on how to care for her. I always do what is in her best interest but it that goes against what my son thinks or says is right he cuts her off from me. That's it. He's through. Now I can only see her when he is with her at karate. She can only say what he tell her to say and do what he tells her to do. He is mentally abusing her and me as well as his girlfriend. His need for complete control is getting out of control and is hurting everyone around him. Now my granddaughter is not allowed to see me or her own mother or her papa. Everyone she is close to he has cut off. I can't deal with this anymore. It is too painful for me as I am Bipolar myself and am not doing to well at this time.

Amanda123 Friend with BPD - taking the no contact option
  • replies: 5

Here is my story. I have been struggling to cope / help / understand a person who I thought of as a very close friend - she was one of my bridesmaids! I now think she has BPD and I have been advised to have no contact at all with her. This is very di... View more

Here is my story. I have been struggling to cope / help / understand a person who I thought of as a very close friend - she was one of my bridesmaids! I now think she has BPD and I have been advised to have no contact at all with her. This is very difficult to do because we will in a small town and share a lot of the same friends. I have said nothing to our friends about what has happened as I don't want to drag them into it or make it any harder for her by telling people what she has done to me - I also doubt some of them would believe me! I knew nothing about BPD until about 6 months ago when my counsellor suggested that this friend probably has it. I went to counselling as I could not work out what was wrong. I had been struggling with my feelings towards this friend for years - I went back over my journals and there are many pages where I am trying to work out why I was having so much trouble understanding and dealing with her. A first it was just little things - she would get really angry if I didn't go to the beach on Saturday mornings - because we went a few times and she then thought that we should go together (with our families) every weekend. Then there were lots of promises to do stuff together that never happened - I love camping with friends and she would always say yes to coming but pull out at the last minute. Or the totally re-organised girls lunches/dinners/weekends that were all rearranged completely to suit her or else ruined by her. We live in a small town and she would insist on making everyone drive to another town 50 minutes away to go out for pizza - there are several restaurants in town that were fine and a huge tourist destination that thousands of people travel from all over the world to visit is only 35 minutes drive away....but oh no it had to be the one place... I don't like talking about this as I feel really petty going on about it - every thing was petty little things but they all added up to someone who wanted to totally control me and it took me years to realise. It was only when I look back with what I know now that it is really obvious what was happening. She wanted me and my kids to have dinner with her once a week - one week at my place, the next at hers. I really liked this idea as my husband worked long hours and I thought it would be a good chance to spend some quality time with her and the kids. It was painful. When she came to my place I would need to cook 3 times the amount of food I would normally cook for my family. She would always come with her husband as he didn't work long hours (actually he did work very long hours but he never missed looking after the kids for her between the hours of 5pm and bed time as that was her time off- He would then need to go back to work and sometimes work until very late to get his jobs done). They would all have 2-3 big serves each - I often had only a small server left over for my husband when he got home. When we went to dinner at hers there would sometimes not be enough food - she would have her mother there (who I now realise was in a hopeless cycle of trying to appease her) to cook the meal. I was typically cooking up to 1.5kg of meat with 2 large salads - for a mid week meal of 4 adults and 4 kids - most of the kids ate max 50g of meat each) and she would server up 8 sausages and 200g of tofu with a salad. Anyway - I felt used a lot! She always categorised and compartmentalised people. Had lots of reasons why some of our "friends" should be excluded from certain social gatherings. She endlessly compared people. She hated having to abide by rules - she would do whatever she could to get around them with no consideration for anyone else. We sent our kids to the same preschool - which had a very long waiting list and limited places. She wanted her daughter to start aged 3 - at the preschool we gave priority to kids who were 4 as they were closer to starting school. She found out that if your child had a disability or learning difficulties they could "jump" the queue, so she escalated her daughter's enlarged adenoids into a "learning disability" so that she could start preschool a year earlier. She also insisted that her six year old son run in the under 6s at the cross country because his birthday was in January (this was in April) and then bragged about how he came second (the fact he was running against 5 yos didn't get mentioned). I know this all sounds really petty - and it is - but there were so many instances - taxes not paid, bills not paid, making contractors do a lot more work that what was quoted for on fixed price jobs, etc. I decided a few years ago that I wasn't a very nice person around her - all these things just annoyed me too much so I started keeping my distance. Not obviously but just staying to myself a bit more. She got a job that took her away during the week so I escaped the weekly dinners without too much trouble and it got easier as she was busy with work. Then she reeled me back in. She made a big point to reconciling with me and making amends for her bad behaviour - she admitted she had been selfish and used me with the dinners etc. For a while it all looked like we could go on being friends. Then she wan't to start a new business locally and wanted me to take a key role. I did a lot of work for her for free and my husband did some paid work (less than $10k worth). We worked really hard for her and gave her excellent value for money because she was our friend and we wanted to help her make her dreams come true. She said to me that unlike me she was a risk taker and she didn't want to work for anyone else - this is what she really wanted to do and she desperately needed me to help her as her other friends in the industry had quoted her $40k for doing the work. After months of delaying she finally put the formal offer on the table that would allow us to formalise the working arrangements and go forward in business together. What she offered me for my involvement in the project going forward was laughable and I declined any further involvement - big mistake! She was really apologetic that she had under valued my contribution and pleaded with me to leave the door open to another offer from her. I didn't want any more involvement at that stage as I was burnt out. I'd spent hundreds of hours working for free on the project (spread over a 6 month period) and despite everyone being really impressed with what we had delivered I had received nothing from her - I had actually been present when she had told friends that she did "everything all by herself" to get the business up and running and I had taken her to meetings to help her promote it where she asked me to leave the room after I set everything up for her presentation - I assume this was so she wouldn't have to share the limelight with anyone. Anyway when I pulled out she was very cross and started turning up as my house uninvited and raging at me - swearing and accusing me of doing stuff to get back at her. I hadn't done anything aside from moving on with other projects which were my job and had nothing to do with her business. But she was convinced that I was trying to destroy her and plotting against her. At this stage I was struggling to deal with my feelings about what I'd been through and having counselling to cope - I was also having marriage counselling because my husband had been dragged into all this as his skills where desperately needed to get her business started. Despite all this we both still considered her a good, although troubled, friend and wanted to help her. She came to us with another business idea and when we politely declined to have any direct involvement - she lost it. We didn't want to be involved mainy because we didn't enjoy working with her - she had absolutely no empathy for us as her team mates on the project - everything as about her, but also because she hadn't paid us thousands from the last job. We forgave the debt as she was our friend and we thought she probably needed the money for her venture more than we needed it - we didn't even get a thank-you for that. After 12 months of uncertainty she started sending me harassing emails and demanding that we give her all the money back. At this stage our counsellor told us that in all likelihood she has BPD and that we would be best to have no contact with her. That is what we are doing now, but it is really hard.

P13 Feeling alone and stuck!
  • replies: 3

My husband & I have been together for almost 20 years. We have three young children, all under 10. Three years ago, things seemed to change dramatically (although I think they had been heading that way for quite some time). Eventually two years ago, ... View more

My husband & I have been together for almost 20 years. We have three young children, all under 10. Three years ago, things seemed to change dramatically (although I think they had been heading that way for quite some time). Eventually two years ago, he ended up in hospital and the doctor diagnosed him with anxiety and gave him medication. The medication helps, however lately, I'm not sure that it is. I have had counselling and believe that he is possibly also suffering from undiagnosed depression. He refuses to get any further help. According to him the medication works so thats all he needs. If he is having a 'down' moment, it is always my fault according to him. I try to be as supportive and caring as possible but it is starting to take its toll. Twelve months ago, he quit his job as he hated it. I was working but only one day a week as one of our children was not at school. We made the decision for me to apply for a position in a town that we have always wanted to move to. I was lucky enough to win that position and we both thought that the fresh start would help. My children & I are loving the move. The job is great, the kids are all going well at school and we all fit into the community well. Unfortunately, my husband is getting worse. Apparently that's my fault too. He wanted to be a stay at home dad - he decided that is what is best for him. Lately he doesnothing around the house, and blames me and the kids for making his life miserable and the house a 'pigsty'. Without going into detail, as it sometimes gets explicit, he constantly verbally abuses me (usually swearing and calling me names) and has recently started on the kids. I am at breaking point and just want him gone. My two youngest idolise him. It makes me upset when I think of leaving him, as I know how upset they will be. My eldest, however, often comes to me and asks questions like "why does dad hate us so much" and "why is dad always mean to you?". That also breaks my heart and supports my decision for him to be gone. My other fear is that he once told me that before I met him, he tried to end his life. This was about 25 years ago, but I am worried that this will happen again. If he succeeds, my children will be left without their father and I don't know how I would cope with being the real reason behind him taking that step. I am keen to hear from other people who may have been in similar situations and how you dealt with it. I am feeling rather alone and stuck at the moment.beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

Luka-chan My friend has depression, but it isn't diagnosed.
  • replies: 3

My best friend is 16 and has been very unhappy during the past year or two. His parent's are getting a divorce, and his father isn't happy about it so he beats my friend and later his mother will yell at him and accuse him of causing it. He has been ... View more

My best friend is 16 and has been very unhappy during the past year or two. His parent's are getting a divorce, and his father isn't happy about it so he beats my friend and later his mother will yell at him and accuse him of causing it. He has been harming himself, and has said in his diary entires that he plans to end is life. His parents refuse to believe in depression or medication, so they won't take him to a doctor or a psychologist. Is there a way for my friend to be able to get help/a diagnosis without his parents having to be there?

Guest_9466 It never rains but it pours, right!
  • replies: 8

First, hubby's dpression and anxiety, followed by an accident and now, news of my sister's illness. She has stage 4 cancer. We have been estranged for a number of years. Mainly because she decided (after offering it to me initially) that I was after ... View more

First, hubby's dpression and anxiety, followed by an accident and now, news of my sister's illness. She has stage 4 cancer. We have been estranged for a number of years. Mainly because she decided (after offering it to me initially) that I was after her house, and so forbid all members of her family to get in touch with me. Mind you, At first, I didn't want to go because I wasn't sure if she will see me (and, it is a long way to go plus the expense of getting there and, I also have a hubby who needs my support), another country plus eight hours flight and so, I asked if she will see me? However, I was told to come and visit and to mke it sooner rather than later. After some reflection, I thought.....why not, I will go just to ease my conscience. If she didn't want to see me, that is her problem and no longer mine. On my part, there will be no regrets. However, a couple of friends now warned me to be prepared for request of financial contribution?? That made me felt kind of sad and disillusioned. Should I feel disillusioned or just acceptance that they see me as well off and therefore, quite natural that I should come to their aid. My niece also said that she spend twelve hours each day, nursing her mother. However, I couldn't do that and I make it quite clear that I am there to visit and it will be a short visit each day. Now, I am beginning to wish I didn't book my flight. What a mess!

Marie1403 Husband with depression spiralling out of control
  • replies: 2

My husband and I were high school sweethearts. We have been together for almost 12 years and married for 4.He was diagnosed with depression not long after we were married and in the last 4 years things have been spiralling downward-especially over th... View more

My husband and I were high school sweethearts. We have been together for almost 12 years and married for 4.He was diagnosed with depression not long after we were married and in the last 4 years things have been spiralling downward-especially over the last 12 months.He has previously run away and on one occasion hitchhiked for 3 days without a phone call-I thought he had committed suicide-I was a wreck. After that occasion, I took him to the hospital to see a psychiatrist -he admitted he was on the edge again and willingly came. The counsellor he saw was rude and nasty. She accused him ofabusing me due to needing to lock doors etc with possible OCD tendencies. He came out feeling worse than when he went in. He avoided their follow up calls and now is reluctant to get help. He has taken himself off anti depressants and lost his job. He has been unemployed almost 6 months-he hid it from me until I was getting phone calls regarding unpaid bills. As a result we had to move into my parents house-very reluctantly. I don't get along well with my mother. His family are not around-he had a tough upbringing and doesn't have much to do with his family as a result. I am now finding myself almost 30yrs old and living at home on 1 income. I am hanging by a thread and feel myself sinking into depression. I had such big goals and aspirations and can't see a way for my husband to get out of this slump. My family don't understand and think he is lazy. I am not sure what to do anymore... beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

Tryingtohelp Stuck confused and unsure
  • replies: 2

Hi, I am stuck! Confused? And lost? I know my partner is struggling with something, shows "suggested" signs and symptoms of depression, some days I just want to cry. Its so easy to tell something is not quite right, i feel like I'm being pushed away ... View more

Hi, I am stuck! Confused? And lost? I know my partner is struggling with something, shows "suggested" signs and symptoms of depression, some days I just want to cry. Its so easy to tell something is not quite right, i feel like I'm being pushed away when I ask if everything is ok? Simply an abrupt NO! And then silence, but I'll receive texts from him that suggest otherwise. I just want to help, it hurts to see someone you love so unhappy, and it's like nothing makes him happy. I've suggested a doctor or talking to someone... Well you can imagine the response. It's hard to hear negative things all the time and try and change those negatives into positive... It's emotinally and physically draining, but I can't just "walk" away from him, he needs support and I want him to know I am here. i can be emotional but it's only because I care and I don't know what's happening or going on... If I knew or he told me how he is feeling I wouldn't feel so in the dark in our relationship. any suggestions on what I should do? Anyone else struggled with getting someone they love to a doctor or a professional ? thanks

emmathon12 i need some advice please
  • replies: 1

Hi, all, and thank you for reading. I have been with my boyfriend for over 4 years, we've been through a lot together and love each other very much. We're in our mid 20s, so lately we have been talking and planning our future. Last year, with full su... View more

Hi, all, and thank you for reading. I have been with my boyfriend for over 4 years, we've been through a lot together and love each other very much. We're in our mid 20s, so lately we have been talking and planning our future. Last year, with full support from my boyfriend, I moved to the other side of the state to pursue my master's degree. Long distance is hard, but I think we made it work and had a great summer together. In June, after a little fight-he emotionally broke down. He said things like "I feel like something broke inside of me." and "I physically can't think of how another person thinks/feels" etc. He tried to break up with me, and instead we met at a halfway point and decided that he needed to start therapy. He seemed to feel a lot better after seeing me. I know he struggled with depression before we met, and has even been on medication. This summer, he started therapy. I've been really unsure about his therapist. I've never met her, but from what he told me, I fear she might be making things worse. She seems to make pretty harsh judgements upon me and his father. Calling his father autistic (which he is NOT), saying I like controlling him, saying I'm a women who sounds like I don't know what I want..etc. I just don't really think it's her place to make these judgements. And I wish they spent more time talking about my boyfriend and his depression vs the faults of me and his father. I have voiced concern over her before, but my boyfriend (let's call him J), accused of being controlling and I backed off. So I've been back to school for about a month now, and after a small fight last week, J called me and broke up with me. He called me to do it an hour after his therapy apt. I'm really heartbroken, but I'm more worried about him. We've had no contact since..but I sent him a letter. In the letter I voiced that I loved him, but that he needed more help. He hasn't contacted me at all or acknowledged the letter. I miss him like crazy, but I really worry that if I reach out, he'll pull more and more away. But I want him to really understand, I love him regardless. And I really think with some more help, we could make this work. I really believe he can work through all these issues. I feel like his therapist may be taking advantage of J being depressed, and influencing him... Should I reach out to him more? I really want to invite him into town this weekend, but I'm so afraid of pushing him away. .Any advice is helpful....what should I do?

bellybum Anyone else have young child with anxiety/ depression?
  • replies: 13

Hi there, My eight year old daughter 'L' suffers anxiety. She was 6 when we first sought help for it. Last year she seemed pretty good, but this year has been awful. We have been seeing a psychologist for months to no avail. Currently waiting to get ... View more

Hi there, My eight year old daughter 'L' suffers anxiety. She was 6 when we first sought help for it. Last year she seemed pretty good, but this year has been awful. We have been seeing a psychologist for months to no avail. Currently waiting to get in to a different one. We saw a psychiatrist a couple of weeks ago. He said she has OCD, a diagnosis I'm not entirely convinced about - we are waiting for another (cancellation) appointment to discuss medicating her. I'm reluctant to medicate, but also feel I have no choice - the treatment for anxiety/ depression/ OCD would all be the same - a mild antidepressant. Our family is struggling to live with L. She is quick to anger, rude, snappy, defiant. Her younger sister is beginning to learn the bad behaviours, and I'm pretty sure feel sad that her big sister is mean to her all the time. We also have an 18 month old son who is growing up in a house of yellers. It's hard to distinguish between behaviour relating to the disorder(s), and simply bad behaviour. It undermines our confidence to parent how we might otherwise. L is also clever - in the recent Year 3 NAPLAN tests she was in the top 10% across all the subjects except maths, where she was still well above average. I'm hoping there are others on these forums who are in/ have been in the same boat, and can share their experiences - with medicating, strategies that help, perhaps some stories with a happy ending? I feel like I've failed my family. It is the most disharmonious place. I would never have imagined that a young child could cause so much unhappiness, and be so unhappy. It is just awful. Looking forward to 'meeting' others who might help, or at least sympathise. Thanks.