It never rains but it pours, right!

[Guest_9466]

First, hubby's dpression and anxiety, followed by an accident and now, news of my sister's illness. She has stage 4 cancer.  We have been estranged for a number of years. Mainly because she decided (after offering it to me initially) that I was after her house, and so forbid all members of her family to get in touch with me. 

Mind you, At first, I didn't want to go because I wasn't sure if she will see me (and, it is a long way to go plus the expense of getting there and, I also have a hubby who needs my support), another country plus eight hours flight and so, I asked if she will see me? However, I was told to come and visit and to mke it sooner rather than later.

After some reflection, I thought.....why not, I will go just to ease my conscience. If she didn't want to see me, that is her problem and no longer mine. On my part, there will be no regrets. However, a couple of friends now warned me to be prepared for request of financial contribution??  

That made me felt kind of sad and disillusioned. Should I feel disillusioned or just acceptance that they see me as well off and therefore, quite natural that I should come to their aid. My niece also said that she spend twelve hours each day, nursing her mother. However, I couldn't do that and I make it quite clear that I am there to visit and it will be a short visit each day. Now, I am beginning to wish I didn't book my flight. What a mess!

[Guest_9466]

It is just too difficult, now I felt swamped by what is happening. I don't think I am strong enough to support hubby. I thought I was working for him but being made to feel that I contribute to his depression or that I instigate for him to avoid work as well as rort the system, doesn't sit well with us! Al these years of working and not applying for any Centrelink benefit, even when we are entitled to and to make us feel like we are rotting the system is just so humiliating!

[Doolhof]

Hi Morning Glory,

As you have already booked the tickets to see your sister, I suggest that you go, and make it very clear what you can and can not do to assist your sister. Explain how long you will be there and that your husband is not well and needs you to return home by a certain day.

As you mentioned, it may make you feel better to see your sister, rather than to stay away. It is best to try now to see her, then to have regrets later on in life. It is no point thinking about "what if" when you have this opportunity now to do something.

I'm not really clear on your second post. Who is making you feel like you are rorting the system when you are not?

Maybe you need to get out pen and paper and write down everything that needs doing right now. Like:

  - organise to visit my sister and detail what needs to be done there.

- sort out help and assistance for husband while away

- contact Centrelink when I return to see if any assistance is available for us

- make a list of everything you feel you need to do, go through it, and make a short list of what you can do today.

I hope this helps in some way. It sounds like you need some advice from a professional regarding your financial/supporting/caring situation.

Thinking of you, from Mrs. Dools

[Guest_9466]

Dear Mrs Drool

It has been long a flight but I got to my destination. I have also decided to postpone the visit till tomorrow. Just cannot face it this evening, especially when it rained so heavily. I am learning to set boundaries as well as saying 'no'. It still sits uncomfortbly with me but it is also a matter of self preservation.

Fortunately or unfortuntely, we don't qualify for financial assistance from Centrelink. I have looked into it by reading their policy and guidelines. Thank you for responding to my thread.

[geoff]

dear MG, it's very sad to hear that someone has cancer so badly, so it's probably going to upset you when you see her.

Your not going there to be a bank for anybody, you just want to see your sister, but you also have concern for your husband.

I'm not sure how bad his accident was, but I certainly hope it's not that serious, however you can let us know.

The other problem is about his depression and again could you fill us in a bit more about it.

I can only wish the best for your sister, but you are now in a precarious situation, so it would be great to hear back from you. L Geoff. x

[Doolhof]

Dear Morning Glory,

Hi. I hope the visit does go well for you and pleased to read you made it to your destination safely.

It is great you have been able to set up boundaries and you are able to say "No" as well.

Regarding Centrelink, it is a shame you are not able to access any assistance there. Maybe you might discover some local council servi9ces you are eligible for one you return home again. There might even be a volunteer organisation where people are happy to sit with your husband for a while so you can have some free time to yourself.

I am not sure what you need, but home you can find some assistance somewhere.

Wishing you all the best with the visit with your sister. It must be difficult seeing her while she is so ill. I wish you both strength and hope the reunion is beneficial and positive-despite your sister being so desperately ill.

Thinking of you, from Mrs. Dools

[Guest_9466]

Dear Geoff

 Please accept my apology for not replying to your kind message of support. I did finally get to see her. My sister looked really bad but miraculously, there appears to be no cancer. Apparently, the ovarian tumour is described as borderline but due to neglect of her health, she has succumbed to chest infection. The chest infection and also, the lack of will to live may result in her demise. 

 We have also prayed that if it is her wish to die, to let it be quick as it is heartbreaking to see her asking to go home. She can't see that it is not possible for her to go back home and live with her son who also suffers from depression. What on earth is the world coming to that so many of us suffered from depression??

The medical bill is pretty horrendous as my nephew, thinking that his medical insurance would cover for his mother, sent her to a private medical facility. Luckily, my niece and her husband managed to get her discharged and took her to the public hospital but is left with this huge medical bill. So, I covered half the medical bill and left my niece and nephew to share the payment of the other half.

  As for my hubby, he seems to be ok and managing well on his own so far. The crunch is when he goes gack to work. However, my daughter believes that to take some of the stress and pressure away for him is to 'allow' him to resign. 

I am looking to return back home to Sydney. I felt that I had accomplished what I had set out to do and more. 

[Guest_9466]

Dear Mrs Dools

 The meeting went well. My sister smiled when she saw me. Although, she looked in a piteous state, and We prayed that her recovery will either be quick or that she will go quickly,mif that is meant to be.

What really touches me is the fact that her adopted daughter took leave without pay to look after her. The nursing care is not the best in developing country in the sense that scarcity of resources meant that a family member has to take care of the patient. 

The time spent with the extended family here makes me appreciate how lucky we are to live in Australia. Although, we complained about budget cuts and how these undermined public facilities, we are still better off than living in developing countries. However, it is important for us to ensure that the govt do not keep cutting budgets on health care, especially the universal health care we are priveleged to enjoy. Ultimately, it is the less fortunate that are affected by budget cuts.

 Thank you for your support. 

 MG

[Doolhof]

Dear MG,

Thanks for sharing your story here. I am so happy for you that the visit to see your sister has turned out to be such a worthwhile thing to do. (can't think of the right word to use!)

You have been able to see your sister again, if you have needed to make peace in your heart or she in hers, this has been the opportunity to do that. It is wonderful how the family has rallied together to assist your sister.

I have learnt that in some countries, when a person enters hospital, family have to take them in food and also care for their personal hygiene needs. We really are so very fortunate in Australia, but just don't realise it, as we have not experienced otherwise, unless we are from a different country.

I also hope if it is God's will that your sister will either recover soon or will pass away. When a person is suffering, it is best if they are able to die with dignity and not linger on suffering dreadfully. It is always sad to say goodbye to people for the last time, and to let them go.

Hopefully your husband is managing okay while you are away and when you do return home, the reuniting with him will be a very special time for you both.

You have reminded me how very special families can be. Thanks for sharing, from Mrs. Dools