Stuck confused and unsure

[Tryingtohelp]

Hi,

I am stuck! Confused? And lost? I know my partner is struggling with something, shows "suggested" signs and symptoms of depression, some days I just want to cry. 

Its so easy to tell something is not quite right, i feel like I'm being pushed away when I ask if everything is ok? Simply an abrupt NO! And then silence, but I'll receive texts from him that suggest otherwise. 

I just want to help, it hurts to see someone you love so unhappy, and it's like nothing makes him happy. I've suggested a doctor or talking to someone... Well you can imagine the response. It's hard to hear negative things all the time and try and change those negatives into positive... It's emotinally and physically draining, but I can't just "walk" away from him, he needs support and I want him to know I am here.

i can be emotional but it's only because I care and I don't know what's happening or going on... If I knew or he told me how he is feeling I wouldn't feel so in the dark in our relationship. 

any suggestions on what I should do? Anyone else struggled with getting someone they love to a doctor or a professional ? 

thanks 🙂 

[AGrace]

Hi Tryingtohelp,

Your experience is a very common one, so I'm sure that you will get some further replies. Have you had a look at any of the "Have the conversation" resources on Beyonblue's website? You might find some really useful tips here. You might also like to order some of the printed resources on depression/anxiety from Beyondblue and provide them to your partner to browse at his own pace.

Sometimes it can be helpful to talk about mental illness from a personal perspective first. A relationship is a two way dialogue, so perhaps you could start by sharing some of your experiences with unpleasant emotions. Once you have done this you might also like to share some of the techniques you have used to help you, ie: coming to these forums to seek support. I know for myself personally it was difficult seeing everyone else appear so perfect, when I felt so horrible, and this made me less incline to want to share what I was going through. Perhaps start by being vulnerable yourself and see what happens.

The other point I want to raise is that sometimes it can take time. It's challenging to accept that you have mental health concerns, and often people will do whatever is in their power to avoid the fact. I think all you can do is to continue providing the supportive and accepting environment that you have been, and in time your partner may feel more comfortable to open up about it.

I hope this helps a little.

AGrace

[geoff]

dear Tryingtohelp,thank you so much for deciding to contact us, because how on earth can someone new know what to do to help their partner, and this extends to a spouse as well, depression is unexplainable really.

There maybe a reason why someone becomes depressed but generally it just appears for no obvious reason, so the person can be in denialfor a long period before they realise that they do need help.

This doesn't make it any easier for the person living with them, because the communication between you and the depressed person ceases, which then makes it so difficult to know exactly what or how they feel, so it ends up being a catch-22 situation.

So now we have two problems going on now, your partner and now yourself, as you are a bit annoyed but certainly frustrated.

I agree with Amber in regards to the printed material, and as much as you love him and want to help him, you won't be able to force him to talk to you, and it's not desirable to anyway, and I say this because he will definitely turn off and make it harder for him to open up.

It's never a good situation, as I was also in denial, and no amount of talking by my wife (ex) would convince me to go and see the GP for a referral, it was only time and thinking and maybe certain events that then convinced me to go, and this time will vary from person to person.

What you can do is just be around to let him know that you care, I know that this is going to very difficult for you, because your eagerness to help him will be strong, but I'm sorry but the road ahead maybe long.

I feel as though you may need some help yourself, and I'm not suggesting in anyway that you are depressed, but it will take it's toll on you, so your GP maybe able to relieve some of this with some medication.

Please let us know it's going, because you may need someone to talk to, and there's people here to listen. L Geoff. x