Supporting family and friends

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Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s?

replies: 3

Hey everyone, It’s hard to miss the talk around the new social media restrictions for under 16s, set to roll out across Australia in early December. We’ve heard from some of the younger members of our community, and now we’d love to hear from parents and caregivers. For some, this change might feel like a welcome relief - a clearer way to manage social media use and protect young people. For others, there may be concerns about how it will affect access to online support, questions around how age verification will actually work, or frustration and powerlessness over a decision beyond our control. All of these feelings are valid. If you’re a parent or caregiver, or you have some young people in your life that will be affected by these restrictions, how are you feeling about this change? We’ve created this space for anyone caring for young people to share their thoughts, ask questions, and support each other through the uncertainty of the months ahead.Kind regardsSophie M

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience

replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

by Carmela •

Blue Voices Member•

Posted in Supporting family and friends

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15-07-2016

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My ex is a recovering alcoholic with undiagnosed BPD

replies: 1

Hi everyone, I'm reaching out, in the hope that others might be able to give me some insight or needed support. I went travelling overseas a few months ago and fell in love with a man over there. He was everything I was looking for, caring, kind, charming and we could talk about anything....so easily. He told me from the beginning that he was a recovering alcoholic and he goes to AA at least once a week or more if he needs it. He also told me that he'd had a terrible breakup with a woman who had treated him terribly at the end, that he was on suicide watch a year earlier because if it, and he had a 10 year old daughter who he didn't see because he didn't get along with the mother. My heart went out to him with compassion. I didn't judged, I had absolute respect for him for opening up and being so honest. He told me he'd never felt like this before, that he was in love with me on the second date, that he could see a future with me, we were soul mates..anyway..I fell pregnant to him after being together for 2 weeks, which was a miracle because I have fertility issues. I never wanted to out him or any man into that position and I told him my views on that before we slept together. I didn't know I was pregnant until I was 5 weeks. Within that time, he started to change. He'd get angry and tell me that I wasn't thinking about his feelings enough, that I should be sorry for things that weren't my fault, he'd break up with me over nothing at all, go to a AA meeting then call and apologise..i tried to make it work with everything I had. When I found out I was pregnant I was in shock, he was in shock. I couldn't terminate it, and he told me I was just like the mother if his daughter, that I was doing this to him to ruin his life, and his sobriety, what kind if a sick person does that to another person. The accusations just got worse and worse. I flew home to look after the pregnancy, I was traumatised by it all. Emails flew thick and fast from him. Sometimes 8 a day. He'd accuse me of something, go off. Then ignore me, then come back and tell me he misses me and the baby, I'd tell him he needs to get therapy before I can have him in my life. I told him I spoke to 2 psychologists to get there opinion on the situation and they both said they think it sounds like he has BPD. I told him this, not to hurt him, but so he'd get help. Instead Now he's completely shut down. No email responses, blocking me on fb,not returning phone calls. I'm pregnant, alone. What do I do?

Fiance with ptsd, baby on the way. How do I help him and prepare for baby?

replies: 1

My fiance has been diagnosed with ptsd some time ago. He has been through so many hard things in his life and has suffered from anxiety and depression ever since. I find it so difficult to understand where he is coming from and how to help him. I just want to fix him and see him happy. We are very close to welcoming our first child and I'm very worried about having to deal with a newborn and making sure he doesn't get left out or sink deeper into his current hole. I feel selfish asking him not to leave me to do his activities that are healing to him because I don't want him to miss the birth. But I don't want him to keep feeling as he does either. I often get frustrated and accidentally snap back at him which seems like nothing to me, but because he already feels so low, my tiny snaps almost break him. It breaks my heart seeing him like this and bed times are the worst. He can't switch off and this is often the time where his anxiety really kicks in. I want to be there with him but want to give him space too. How do I help him get through his rut with baby on the way?

The penny has finally dropped......she has depression

replies: 3

After 10 years with my partner in a blended family the penny has finally dropped. I can’t believe it’s taken me this long to figure it out. My partner disclosed she was on and off anti-depressants early in our relationship. She said this was for anxiety not depression. She’s had a fiery temperament since I met her and frequently exhibited anger I’d never experienced before. Mood swings were common. When she was up we were great. When she was down it was terrible. She often sleeps until after midday on weekends and frequently lacks motivation. She drinks more than she should. I do too and have to concede there is an unhealthy co-dependence. Even though I was under the misapprehension the medication was for anxiety, I did notice a difference when she was on the meds. She seemed less volatile and more functional at home. However the meds induced weight gain (according to her) and suppressed her libido. Even though there was much more substance to our relationship, intimacy is important to both of us. It also helped to bridge gaps when they occurred. These “side-effects” then appealed to her predisposition for depression and she would sink again. Stopping seemed like her only option. And there, I’ve used the D word. As obvious as it probably is to anyone reading this, it’s taken me this long to make a conclusion. She has depression. Der…..you say. I think it was the anger that confused me. I didn’t make the connection to depression until just now. She has said horrible and nasty things to me that I really struggled to understand. She loved me one minute and the next everything I did pushed her buttons. I started to get angry back and we’ve had heated arguments audible in the next post code. I’ve read a bunch of posts on this site. The common theme seems to be the depression talking not the person. In some small way it’s reassuring to know the nasty stuff might not be how she really feels. But it still hurts. And surely there’s only so much any person can take no matter how committed to the relationship. After all this time together and me not having a clue, I suppose I should expect suspicion and reluctance to trust. I’ve suggested she go back to the cognitive therapist for objective and professional help. I’ve offered to go with her. I haven’t returned her anger with anger for weeks. I’m trying to extend support and frequently ask her if there is anything I can do to help. Is there more I can do or do I just have to be patient?

Help me help my friend

replies: 1

My friend has struggled from chronic depression since a teenager, he is now 32years old. He is addicted to narcotics and alcohol and uses them to dull the depression but it only makes him feel worse. He works for himself and lives alone, he pushes away his family and his friends don't really understand how to support him, and don't contact him to help. He is lonely and isolated but he won't live with anyone. He sees a psychiatrist who only puts him on medication and it doesn't work very well. I don't know how I can help him because he won't help himself. He is spending more and more time alone and sleeping lots and not working enough. I fear he will only get worse and the drugs and alcohol will always keep him sick. I don't know what I can do to help. I don't know his friends so can't reach out to them, I know he wants them to support him and give him a reason to get up each day. He believes if he goes to rehab it will cost heaps and he will only end up back where he is. I am a single mum and can only be with him so much, and he wants to be alone anyway... but I know he just needs help to get his life together again. What can I do? Please can someone tell me

Looking for advice from anyone who has been harassed by someone with depression

replies: 4

I dated someone 18 months ago briefly for around 3 months. Things didn’t work out (at the time we agreed it was mutual) and I went overseas for a few months. Whilst away and when I returned, he would send numerous texts to me saying that he was in love with me, etc. I made it clear that I didn’t feel the same but again said I was happy to be friends as he was going through a tough time. When it became clear that he did not really want to be friends I tried to cut that off too. I saw him a few times over the next 6 months, for coffee and a chat when he said he was desperate for someone to talk to. Things became worse about 4 months ago, when he started texting me several times a day. I asked him to stop and let him know that I wasn’t in a position to help, but he continued texting me constantly. I did not hear from him for about a month, and then one day the texts started again. I responded once saying I was glad he was well, etc. Since then it has been non-stop. I have not replied to any of the messages, but on average I’ve received about 20 a week for the past month. The messages have ranged from texts to voicemails, and have included accusations about me being a horrible person, and are nasty and violent toned, with occasional apologies afterwards. He implies that it is my responsibility to help him, that I'm the only person he can talk to, and if I don't it will be on my conscience. The most recent (today) are saying that he doesn’t want to continue in life. This situation has impacted my life greatly and I am fearful that he will turn up at my work or home, which is why I cut off contact. I do not wish to be a terrible person and of course wish for him to be able to manage his depression, but for my own sanity I feel that I cannot be part of that and I am genuinely scared to be around him. I have sent a text in response suggesting he talk to his family (who I don’t believe know everything) and sent him the number for lifeline. I honestly do not know what else to do whilst keeping my distance. Any advice from anyone who has experienced this would be appreciated.

Supporting ourselves whilst supporting our partners through depression

replies: 7

Hi all. It has taken me a long time to actually join and write a post. I have been in a second marraige for 7 years... And finally moved out about 15 months ago, with a consensual view to work together to make things work. Yes, it takes 2 to make and break.. And I have said some awful things I have regretted. I have however been true to my vows. My husband has had a number of affairs during our marraige. He won't talk about them as he states he was 'in a dark place'. Just by acknowledging, he feels I should move on and support him... As he now states he has depression and has not managed for 11 years. I found out 2 days before Xmas that he has had another relationship... Found this out about 1/2 an hour before we left for a family vacation with his children. Once again, it has been turned around that I am being unsupportive and being focussed on me... And my hurt ( which is true.. But of course I want to support him, just not sure I'm happy to again accept that this breach of trust is because ' he is in a dark space') Anyone out there got some advice in the best way for me to move away from my hurt, into a supportive space? ( and no... I'm not a doormat... I love my husband)

">I need some support coping with my severely depressed husband

replies: 3

My husband has suffered depression & anxiety ever since I have known him & comes from a very dysfunctional family where nearly every member has or is being treated for it. He refused to seek help until 13 years ago when we lost our only child. Since then he has been on and off medication. He won't seek help until it is crisis point and our lives are in ruins & then, without fail a couple of years later, he thinks he is 'better', stops taking the meds and everything falls apart again. He lost his job about 18 months ago, saw it coming and for several months prior was going down hill and refused to seek help. He was on medication at this time. When he lost his job he had something akin to a breakdown and I was able to get him to the doctor and to a counsellor. Shortly after he was given the opportunity to take a job on the other side of the country and had to leave immediately. He went because he wanted the opportunity, and I was left behind to pack up our house and run our lives while he focused on his career. He was away for nearly a year.During this time he stiopped taking his medication and lied to me about it. I thought for the entire time he was away, that he was coping reasonably well & we were communicating honestly and openly to keep our marriage healthy & him feeling supported. We made plans for me to move with him to the new job, so I saidgoodbye to my life and made all the preparations to be ready to leave with him once he returned home. But when he got back, I got a stranger. Cold, distant, angry, arrogant and just generally horrible. He said awful, hurtful, damaging things to me about me and about our 20+ year marriage. We have not being intimate since before he lost his job, nearly two years ago by his choice. He came home blaming all his problems (unresolved grief at our sons death, feelings re losing his job, issues with his family) on our marriage. He has been diagnosed today (four months later) as severely depressed. Put onto an antidepressant, which he has never taken before as it evidently helps with anxiety and depression. Referred to a pshycologist. I am trying to make sure he eats three good meals and goes to bed at a reasonable time, paying the bills, keeping the house tidy, so he can have as little pressure on him as possible. After a year without his prescribed medication he is in a very, very bad way. But I am so hurt, angry and resentful at being lied to and blamed for all his problems, I just want to run. Thoughts please.

Anxiety, Intimacy and Identity

replies: 3

Thank you so much for providing such a warm community here. I would really appreciate some assistance and likewise I really look forward to replying to threads and helping in anyway I can. My partner has social anxiety, she has not had treatment in years. We have been together for 11 years & have often struggled with intimacy. Until a week ago I would have given my relationship 9/10, I could see my partner struggled however she expressed her love in so many other ways. Over the last year my partner has been increasingly defensive when speaking to me. I may just ask how her day was & randomly she could respond in a way which is hurtful or mean. I have no idea what caused this but in time it has effected our communication. She is regularly defensive & I often feel hurt & angry. However last week she came to me & said that she is afraid of me. I asked when/where/ why/ what caused this and she could give me no response. She said that all she can remember is the feeling. I asked if there was a time when she could remember not feeling this & she responded that prior I had given her a compliment which felt nice, however she then wondered what I "really meant" when I said it. She stated that over time because she has had to always think about what I really mean, & worry about my reactions to things she has reached a point where she just feels like she can't say anything to me at all & she has no identity. I asked for examples,but she doesn't know & is just all confused in her head. All she knows is that she is miserable wondering "if" I will get angry. She said she has always been dependant on people & made choices based on what she thinks her partner wants.This has made her miserable her whole life & she has reached a stage where she has realised this & doesn't want a relationship with anyone. Although she still loves me, she's said she had this feeling for months & it hasn't gone away. The issue I have is that she still acts the same towards me. Our relationship has not changed any, she just no longer accepts my affection & sleeps in another room. I have no idea whether I'm in a relationship or not & I understand all the reasons she has given me to be signs of anxiety. I have asked her if she would like to see a therapist with me & she responded quite badly. I am very devastated about this & I don't know how to behave around her or what to do. I am so worried that although it seems logical to her, it makes no sense to me & she is just pushing me away....

Im not sure which way to turn

replies: 8

I have been married to my second husband for 8 years for the first 2 1/2 years our marriage was fantastic but after a change of jobs my husband became aweful. Really nasty not in a physical way but he has a really nasty tongue. He has had bouts of drinking and bouts of just being so nasty he has deflated my confidence and my love for him. I have spoken to him many many times and written to him and he has spoken to a minister but each time he improves for a short time which used to be weeks and now it is a matter of days until he turns on me again. He left on the weekend and didn't take anything with him left everything including his phone and keys and told me we were over. We have business and he left me to take care of everything. After a couple of days he returned large as life and expected to recommence his life with me. I sent him to his mums as I couldn't cope. While he was away I found he was taking anti-depressants. I have let him back into the house but I am feeling quite uncomfortable as whilst he says he loves me he is also extremely loud and aggressive (not physically). I am not sure what to do he has taken my advice and had a blood test done for his testosterone as I saw on the internet that this can cause this behaviour. I am very nervous that he will turn on me again. I am trying but the strain of his behaviour for the last 5 1/2 years has made me rethink whether I want to be with him anymore however I feel an obligation to keep going in the hope that the man I married may return. I really need to talk to someone as I am struggling so badly with the strain. Any advice would be appreciated

Depressed Husband leaving young family, all my fault.

replies: 6

Hello,I've never experienced depression myself, so im finding it very hard to understand what my husband is going through and whether or not its actually depression or whether its truly how he feels. He was diagnosed with depression approx 3 months ago, he did not go back to the Dr's for review despite the Dr requesting that he does. He has been drinking, not heavily but enjoys a few beers every now and again. Christmas Eve he absolutely lost it, we usually go through this every 6 months which is the same old complaints from him, but no solutions. We otherwise have a great relationship that needs to be worked on like all marriages. (none of my issues gets address just his) We have a 9 month of girl and i am 11 weeks pregnant, on Wednesday morning we got into an argument as i am tried, exhausted of his negativity, my own happiness is suffering and also my needs are not being addressed by him at all. He said he wants a divorce and he as made his mind up and that that, he did become physically violent which i have seen previously but not to this extreme. I called the police but did not lodge a statement and i felt that was the only thing i could do. Its all my fault, he doesn't want to resolve it we went to a counsellor some years ago (approx 4 times) and clearly that hasn't done anything. He's not happy, he doesn't get his own time, he doesn't want to talk to me he doesn't want any relationship with me. He just wants to say hello and goodbye when i drop of our daughter. He is not willing to work on the marriage he is done. I told him im not going to make any decisions as this is too important to my family and my children despite him pushing me for an answer as to where i am living. He has packed up his belonging and rented a storage facility. He wants me to give notice to our investment property and sell all the assets. I find myself continually switching between he has a mental illness and is not medicated and he actually might not be interested in having a family together anymore. Everything was fine up until wednesday morning, and this was completely out of the blew but his negativity and anger has increased over the last 2 1/2 years. He can also be extremely pig headed, arrogant and stubborn. I dont know what to do, i deserve better, but he doesn't think he has a problem and he is not willing to do anything about the marriage. Its over in his eyes. We have been together 10 years been married for 2 1/2. Do i fight or do i go? Brokenhearted Wife

Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s? replies: 3

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience replies: 41

My ex is a recovering alcoholic with undiagnosed BPD replies: 1

Fiance with ptsd, baby on the way. How do I help him and prepare for baby? replies: 1

The penny has finally dropped......she has depression replies: 3

Help me help my friend replies: 1

Looking for advice from anyone who has been harassed by someone with depression replies: 4

Supporting ourselves whilst supporting our partners through depression replies: 7

">I need some support coping with my severely depressed husband replies: 3

Anxiety, Intimacy and Identity replies: 3

Im not sure which way to turn replies: 8

Depressed Husband leaving young family, all my fault. replies: 6