Caring for the Carer

[Nickname_16EBF092-F51D-42]

Im really struggling with looking after myself at the moment. Today is a relatively good day and I can talk.

I am currently struggling with my husband's (married 20+ years)infidelity . We are staying together, we love each other and although it stills feels like I'm being ripped apart daily since finding out about his long term mixed 'activities' (of 10yrs) 5 months ago. I am constantly battling rebuilding my trust, my love - all this without no-one knowing apart from my psych. Carrying this burden and putting up a front for my kids, friends, sisters is crippling. I have a very stressful lifestyle and I have formed a great deal of resilience over the years. I'm no stranger to depression but have not chosen to be medicated. It is only now I am feeling the I may need to.

My husband is also battling depression and extreme anxiety and is considering going on a SSRI. He is battling with the guilt of what he has done to me, the shame and he is scared of losing his job, me and everything. I know the adjustment period for taking meds could be really hard for him and I'm not sure I am strong enough to look after myself and him.

I'm scared for him, scared I can't make it, scared of what the future.

[Nickname_16EBF092-F51D-42]

Big comforting hug accepted with gratitude.

Thank you.

ill go have cry now.

[Bailey13]

At this point, I too have tried to stay with my husband and work through it. I am seeing a psych and so is he to work through everything as individuals, but I still feel very much like there's a lot we need to say to each other and it's just not happening. Mostly, because of how he misinterprets and over reacts to anything I say. I am really struggling with this because I have a lot to say and a lot of questions to get off my chest. I'm wondering whether your husband manages to have open and deep conversations with you about what happened or how do you look past the elephant in the room? For me, our relationship doesn't seem sustainable if I have to continually hide my emotions and sit in silence out of fear of him either shutting me out or breaking down and not being able to put in the same effort it takes me to discuss this awful situation. We were so close before, best friends, I just don't understand how it got to this and I can't work through it without him meeting me half way. But even still, I feel too guilty to give up and leave him when he's struggling so much emotionally, especially considering he's supported me through seem pretty low/tough times. I never, and would never cheat on him though!

[Nickname_16EBF092-F51D-42]

Hello Bailey13.

My husband and I are both having individual counselling and couples counselling. We try and spread it out so we haven't got too much of a counselling burden - if you get what I mean, plus cost! I'm seeing my psych about every 3 weeks. I do get quite anxious before my sessions (both sorts), and it is very draining and emotional during. Afterwards it takes me a day to settle and I'm ok (to a degree).

The couples counselling has been really good as there is a neutral person who can control the situation. We have talked about things quite directly in those sessions that haven't been discussed at other times - we both feel this is like a 'safe house'. It is hard and quite confronting but has been worthwhile. We have another tomorrow ...

I have even gone to see his psych with him as I was quite anxious about what he may have told them. It really helped. It was all done with his permission and that of our psychs.

I can't tell you how many hours we have talked about what happened and about 'us' since it all blew up. We make sure we have the opportunities to talk. There are some things he finds really hard to discuss ... the actual detail of what he did as he is so ashamed and guilty he has caused so much pain. (Unfortunately) I have been very good at investigating what his activities were by looking at skype logs etc. (he knows I looked at his computer and he knows I have closed alot of his online accounts) It hurts like HELL to discover these things but it has helped me 'cleanse' the situation, to get rid of that life.

I would really love to talk to someone who has been through all this and survived, still with their husband, still in love and with regained trust.

[Bailey13]

I guess in a way all the guilt and shame our husbands feel is positive as it's a reflection of how sorry they are, but those emotions, along with others, seem to control my husband to the point he doesn't cope with talking about it. Which is making things much harder for me.

The couples counseling and visiting his psych sounds constructive, something to consider, thank you for those suggestions.

I too have had to play detective and found things I just can't seem to get out of my head 😞

I would also love to hear positive stories of marriages surviving this and both husband and wife genuinely happy and maybe even completely healed, if that's a possibility. I go searching on the internet, on forums like this one, trying to find advice and good outcomes to give me hope, but I mostly find the opposite. I am not going to give up without a fight and I can see you aren't either, for that reason I truly hope we both beat the odds! All the best