Supporting family and friends

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Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s?

replies: 3

Hey everyone, It’s hard to miss the talk around the new social media restrictions for under 16s, set to roll out across Australia in early December. We’ve heard from some of the younger members of our community, and now we’d love to hear from parents and caregivers. For some, this change might feel like a welcome relief - a clearer way to manage social media use and protect young people. For others, there may be concerns about how it will affect access to online support, questions around how age verification will actually work, or frustration and powerlessness over a decision beyond our control. All of these feelings are valid. If you’re a parent or caregiver, or you have some young people in your life that will be affected by these restrictions, how are you feeling about this change? We’ve created this space for anyone caring for young people to share their thoughts, ask questions, and support each other through the uncertainty of the months ahead.Kind regardsSophie M

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience

replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

by Carmela •

Blue Voices Member•

Posted in Supporting family and friends

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15-07-2016

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I think my marriage is over, but I don't want to admit it.

replies: 7

I have been in a relationship with M for 18 years and married to him for most of that. I discovered quickly that he had mental health issues, but it wasn't until a few years into our relationship that with the help of his mother we encouraged him to see a GP who simply prescribed him anti-depressant without any real discussion or diagnosis. However, I made the decision early on that I loved this man, and his depression was part of that. Through out the years we've had normal ups and downs, but one issues that has been around for a while was his concern with my weight. He maintained that he loved me regardless of my size, but felt that I would be better off if I was healthier. I have a box of love letters from him, one every year on Valentines Day. We had kids late - our eldest is 5.5yrs. M hasn't been the same since. His periods of down have become more regular. His family have tried to talk to him about this prolonged darkness. He refuses to seek any sort of therapy or medical diagnosis, but remains on anti-depressant. Earlier this year after an extended dark time he told me that he doesn't love me any more. That I was too fat and he deserved someone attractive that he could accept. He said that my weight was a bad role model for our children. But he also said that if I was to leave I was being selfish, and that having both parents together is the most important thing for our children. In the 10 months or so since he has told me that he doesn't even like me any more. He regularly throws nasty comments my way. He barely talks to me, and only if it involves the kids. He still works a F-T job, he participates in household chores like cooking and cleaning. But he has no friends (never really did), no hobbies, occasionally he laughs as he interacts with the kids but mostly it's hit and miss as to what his mood is. He is never happy. I can see that he is trying to maintain normalcy for the kids. We've slept in separate rooms for months. The kids think that's so my 3yr old can sleep with me, but sooner or later that won't fly any more. Should I leave? Is the problem really my weight? Is this just a phase? What is this doing to the kids, now and in the long term? Egg shells, cold shoulders, loneliness, tears, they are all a part of my day-to-day. I have committed to this man for 18 years. I think that this awful disease has taken away the man that I love and left me with a mean spirited stranger. Any words of wisdom, support or advice would be greatly appreciated.

I'm a wife of a man with depression

replies: 5

Hi all, I need advice/support/help to try and make my husband better. He has had severe depression for 3 years now and he doesn't seem to be getting better. The doctor just keeps increasing his AD's, and now it looks like his work are going to try and sack him, even though he is still managing to work.... to the point of having nothing left inside for anything else. I look forward to getting any help I can in this forum, and thank you all in anticipation. x

Repressed memory or delusional?

replies: 1

Where do I start? It's about a very close friend and it is a long story - i will try and keep it brief. My friend and I have grown up together as our mums were best friends. She was adopted, as well as her sister, from different biological parents. My friends biological parents were both drug induced psychotics; one passed from suicide and the other from an OD. My friend was born addicted to heroin which has resulted in her pre disposition to drug dependency and mental illness.Their adoptive mother was unable to have children because of early childhood sexual abuse. When we were all very young, maybe 2 or 3, it was discovered that her mothers husband at the time had been sexually abusing my friends older sister - she is one year older. She later remarried my friends now adoptive father. Despite all this, we shared a very happy childhood together. For the most part we attended the same schools, played sport together and spent the majority of our time together.She has always been a popular and well liked person due to her great humour and magnetism. As a teenager, she suffered from depression and self harmed. Her family life was quite turbulent as her mother suffers from bipolar, alcoholism and prescription drug addiction. Her father and older sister worked away, so she was the caretaker.Since, they have quite a volatile relationship, from not talking to being extremely close. During our early twenties, my friend was also in an extremely toxic relationship that she hasn't overcome. Late last year she suffered her first psychotic break at 25yrs (triggered by heavy marijuana use) and was hospitalised for 2 weeks. During this break, she was convinced that she was sexually abused as a child, that everyone was lying to her, and that we were sisters.I have noticed that she is now showing bipolar behaviour; depression, extreme highs, promiscuity, obsession over romantic interests. She is gay but has recently developed physical repulsion towards men. We have lived together for the last year and I'm moving out next week.This week she told me she remembered something about us - & mentioned my dad. Implying something that I can even write. My dad is a decent & kind person and it is in fathomable he could anything of the sort. She also believes that it happened to me - which is completely false.I don't know if she is trying to manipulate me so I don't 'leave' her as she has deep rooted abandonment fears. Is she delusional or could she be telling the truth?

Depressed boyfriend stays at friends house/avoiding home

replies: 5

Hi all My boyfriend of almost 3 years admitted to me about 1 year ago he was depressed, and only just saw a doctor about it last Friday. Since Monday last week, after we both had a mini break down and a good heart to heart (where he admitted he hates being in the house, seeing the affect his depression is having on me, how much work I do around the house and that he wants everything to go away and just be alone), he has been staying at friends and his parents house. He was coming home Thursday - but wanted a clear mind for Friday's appointment and said he'd come home and unload at me about his fears, concerns etc. The appointment went bad. He broke down, got very upset and just said he was in a lot of pain afterwards he had to heal, so no Friday night stay or visit. He was then supposed to be coming home tonight - staying at a friends again. Has admitted he is unsure about staying here tomorrow as he is trying to get into his first counselling appointment, but has committed to coming for dinner with me. We spent all day together today which we both loved. I broke down last night as I panicked thinking he lied and was staying at a female friends house instead of where he really said (and I'm sure he's having dinner there tonight too) and asked to see him (as I hadn't since Tuesday when he came for quick supplies), and he came straight away - was in the car driving before he called to find out what was wrong. So when I need him, and ask, he will come. He keeps reassuring me, telling me he is only doing all the doctors, therapy and talking deep with his friends, all of which he hates, because he wants to get better and happy both for himself, and to keep our relationship, and to stop it from affecting me so much. After all that, I still just feel so abandoned. That he is happier and more comfortable at his friends house rather than with me. He says he loves me, he enjoys spending time with me, that our plans today kept him going through the tough week... But why doesn't he want to be here with me? Why is it easier to be at his friends house, playing games and chatting than home with me? Should I keep giving the space he needs, with the boundaries set that he will visit me every afternoon or second day for dinner and a chat?

Partners depression is morphing

replies: 5

My partner suffers from depression, the most common symptoms being inertia, sadness and negativity. Over the past five months this has changed shape and is now anger, resentment and verbal abuse. The pattern that has evolved means we have three calm days then he explodes. I'm called terrible names, he yells, follows me around when I leave the room and orders me to "get back here" or "stand there until I've finished with you". He corners me in a room and uses his chest to pin me against furniture. Instead of being supportive for him I'm now frightened of him. So, where to from here? Do I continue to support his battle with depression or seek help for his abusive behaviour? Anyone been in a similar situation?

Caring for the Carer

replies: 13

Im really struggling with looking after myself at the moment. Today is a relatively good day and I can talk. I am currently struggling with my husband's (married 20+ years)infidelity . We are staying together, we love each other and although it stills feels like I'm being ripped apart daily since finding out about his long term mixed 'activities' (of 10yrs) 5 months ago. I am constantly battling rebuilding my trust, my love - all this without no-one knowing apart from my psych. Carrying this burden and putting up a front for my kids, friends, sisters is crippling. I have a very stressful lifestyle and I have formed a great deal of resilience over the years. I'm no stranger to depression but have not chosen to be medicated. It is only now I am feeling the I may need to. My husband is also battling depression and extreme anxiety and is considering going on a SSRI. He is battling with the guilt of what he has done to me, the shame and he is scared of losing his job, me and everything. I know the adjustment period for taking meds could be really hard for him and I'm not sure I am strong enough to look after myself and him. I'm scared for him, scared I can't make it, scared of what the future.

Feeling so guilty...

replies: 5

Well, I have no idea why, but I'm new to this forum. I shouldn't be new at all. I've been living with my husband's appalling mental health, rock bottom self esteem, anxiety and panic attacks for just under 20 years. After he had a breakdown of sorts last March, he finally agreed to seeking professional help. I was over the moon! He's been attending for 13 months now, but isn't one step further forward. I'm so, so gutted, I can't even begin to describe it. He was mortified to be told by someone other than me that he has multiple major issues, so refuses to read the books, do the tasks, learn the strategies or anything. I'm beginning to despise him. When he did nothing about getting help, I always had hope. I now have nothing. He's depressed, his self esteem is worse than ever - because it's now established that this is real, it will take years to improve - but will never go away. He doesn't want to hear it, he says. He's asked the psych to find a magic wand and make it all go away. He's been told that only he can do the work, but again refused. He's now been told by the psychologist that he must see a psychiatrist and a neurologist- much to his disgust. I'm struggling to have any respect for someone who's put me through so much, yet had my support.... From planning our first baby, then saying on his arrival "I can't do this, and am having nothing to do with it" to a million other painful things. I have said I want a divorce, but I don't think we can afford to separate. He lost his job a year ago, and had to become bankrupt. This is a total and utter mess. Why didn't I leave two decades ago??? Why will someone who has numerous issues, not accept he needs to work on getting better? Saying "I don't have mental health issues" is crazy. I can say "I'm still 55 kilos.... Doesn't make it true!!! Please be kind - I feel badly about wanting out, as it is x x

bipolar husband

replies: 12

Originally posted by: Rosemary on 8 April 2011I have been with my husband for 5 years. It is a second marriage for both of us. We have a combined family. He was diagnosed with bi polar about 18 months ago after experiencing a major depressive episode in 2008. He has never really experienced a manic episode. He has seen a psychiatrist and 2 different pyscologists. I have attended a couple of his psychiatry appointments and have found his psychiatrist lacking. My husband "tells him what he wants to hear" He has been on Lithium for about 12 months. Sometimes life is pleasant. When things are ok he can be a lovely person but at the drop of a hat he can be very nasty. I can make a very innocuous comment and he will take it as attack and then it is on. He is very good at blaming me or the kids for his problems. I've had enough. I am a compassionate person by nature. My job is in health but I'm burnt out. I was reading a women' s post about how she was a horrible person and she was hopeless etc. I know she is in pain and needs treatment but I've heard it all from my husband and I've supported, copped the abuse, watched my kids being alienated from me, taken the blame and apologized for stuff I didn't do and I really don't care anymore. He's said at times that he's been in a multi -story car park and thought about jumping. Well,sometimes I feel that if I was there I'd be happy to push. How horrible is that.? What kind of a person am I? I want to be happy. I want to have a peaceful life. I want to not dread coming home. I want to be able to answer my phone and not have that tightening in my chest because it's him and I know he'll be in a bad mood and I'll have done something wrong. I want my family and friends to visit me again and not stay away because it's like walking on egg shells. I want my nice husband not the angry, nasty one. I want I want......how selfish am I? I should just suck it up. I know what the response will be. I've read the books. You have to take care of yourself, speak to someone, be patient, be understanding, know it's not you. I know he hurts, I know he doesn't choose to be like this, I know there is a good person in there but I'm so over it all. If I leave I have to live with the guilt. If I stay I have to deal with the grief and I can't even leave, it's my house, I'd have to throw him out. How can I do that to him and his kids. I see no joy in the future. I'm not depressed, I'm just realistic. Mental illness is the pits. We're just keeping the various health professionals BMW's on the road. There is no support, no light at the end of the tunnel that's not a train. There is no future that is not filled with grief. Most people with bi polar can live healthy and productive lives........yes at the expense of their families.

Worried about my sick mum and not sure what to do next

replies: 9

Hi,My mother is 70 and two years ago was diagnosed with terminal lung disease called Pulmonary Fibrosis. It is a terrible disease, but since her diagnosis her physical symptoms have been secondary to her mental ones. Since her diagnosis her mental health has declined alarmingly. She began suffering panic attacks, anxiety and depression and has been on multiple medications, but they haven't helped. She refuses to see or speak to a counsellor or psychologist, but talks about her illness constantly and is also obsessed with other people's illness or misfortune. I did get her to try meditation and hypnosis, but she quit after a few visits saying they don't work.She visits her G.P regularly and is now taking medication twice a day at the maximum dose, but she is still crippled with panic attacks and anxiety. She is (understandably) terrified about what is going to happen to her as the disease progresses. In particular she does not want to be on oxygen and she is obsessed with checking her oxygen levels (which often triggers panic attacks). Yesterday she had a panic attack at home and was in such a a state that she went down to the G.P's office and created a scene as she begged them for help. She was very distressed and while I don't think the practice handled it very well, I understand that they aren't equipped to deal with this kind of thing. I've told her that if she feels that way again then she needs to go to hospital or call an ambulance, but she is terrified of hospitals and won't call an ambulance as then the neighbours would see!Her oxygen levels are low and she needs supplementation, but again she is terrified of being tied to the oxygen so refuses it. I'm sure this lack of oxygen is making her mental state worse. She lives at home with my father who is 75 and has his own health concerns (physical) and isn't coping with her anxiety. I am at a loss as to what to do next and worried about what is going to happen to her if she keeps refusing help. I feel like I should be doing something, but have no idea what that is. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

When understanding stops and caution stars

replies: 3

My partner is currently improving from a downward spiral of depression/anxiety and alcohol dependency brought on by PTSD. She has seen a counsellor with me, date booked in for a clinical psychologist and attended her first AA meeting. All signs are pointing towards a great paced recovery. The problem is that she is doing a lot of new things on her own without me like attending war veteran functions, planning on becoming a regular helper at an RSL, helping others with similar conditions. I don't want to come off as a selfish person, only considering myself. I couldn't be more proud of her and what she is doing, it is truly selfless and amazing !!!. I love her with all my heart and want to support her in everything she's doing I really do. I just can't help but feel insecure in that I was doing everything to help her through her struggle and now I've been sidelined. I've been seeking a lot of reassurance from her to a point of desperation and I want to have more confidence I just don't know how to proceed. Through the worst of her condition she would spend time in contact with another man from work. She never made me fee comfortable with this arrangement, Sometimes she would even lie or hide speaking with him, She claimed he was someone she could vent to. I think her intentions were innocent but from what she has told me, the guy never suggested professional help (unlike all the counsellor etc have suggested since seeing them). I believe he had other intentions, it still causes me a lot of embarrassment at work. I want my partner to continue to heal and improve but I feel like We should have a discussion about boundaries on what can and can't be done. Examples below. -She can't tell me about what happens at AA, I understand why however would it be fair to ask that anything that happens with AA members outside of the meetings can't be kept secret ? I.e. Her catching up with a person socially ? - leaving on her own to "support" someone she may not know or understand. Whether or not he's threatening self harm. - disappearing to the RSL to seek support from fellow veterans and then either coming home plastered (alcohol dependency in mind) or skipping across multiple pubs drink driving. I just want to make it clear that I want her To continue doing all these great things for herself and her recovery but I also want to make sure I'm not being too understanding to the point where I'm a door mat again with her lying to me again. Basically what's fair or not

Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s? replies: 3

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience replies: 41

I think my marriage is over, but I don't want to admit it. replies: 7

I'm a wife of a man with depression replies: 5

Repressed memory or delusional? replies: 1

Depressed boyfriend stays at friends house/avoiding home replies: 5

Partners depression is morphing replies: 5

Caring for the Carer replies: 13

Feeling so guilty... replies: 5

bipolar husband replies: 12

Worried about my sick mum and not sure what to do next replies: 9

When understanding stops and caution stars replies: 3