Supporting family and friends

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Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s?

replies: 3

Hey everyone, It’s hard to miss the talk around the new social media restrictions for under 16s, set to roll out across Australia in early December. We’ve heard from some of the younger members of our community, and now we’d love to hear from parents and caregivers. For some, this change might feel like a welcome relief - a clearer way to manage social media use and protect young people. For others, there may be concerns about how it will affect access to online support, questions around how age verification will actually work, or frustration and powerlessness over a decision beyond our control. All of these feelings are valid. If you’re a parent or caregiver, or you have some young people in your life that will be affected by these restrictions, how are you feeling about this change? We’ve created this space for anyone caring for young people to share their thoughts, ask questions, and support each other through the uncertainty of the months ahead.Kind regardsSophie M

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience

replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

by Carmela •

Blue Voices Member•

Posted in Supporting family and friends

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15-07-2016

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Husband who suffers anxiety and depression, possibly bipolar. He's had enough of my problems and wants me to change.

replies: 3

My story is quite long: been married for 17 years, 4 kids. He has always been a perfectionist and we've had periods where he just has had enough of my behaviour. He freezes me out, gets angry and upset and demands me to change. Then somehow we resolve it and it resurfaces. About 4 years ago he suffered his first panic attack in a very public place and had to do with his job. He returned to work but had 4 years of anxiety and depression. This year he had another panic attack, decided to resign, went on medication and started seeing a psychiatrist. Meanwhile I'm trying to keep it together at home and at my new job not knowing if I'll be the only breadwinner. Didn't probably do the best job but I tried, at times I'd come home to him not in a good state. He found a new job in his old career, throughout this period and suddenly felt amazing, got off the medication. Last week after he saw his psychiatrist (who he sees weekly) and has decided that I have a lot of problems and that I contribute to his stress and anxiety. He shuts me out, he has been far from loving, more critical and angry. Mind you, he's been very productive, doing all these tasks at home, and he says he feels amazing. He has had outbursts of anger with me and the kids. I get our marriage isn't perfect and I'm not, but I'm wondering is it me or him or his mental state. I'm thoroughly confused, just devastated and exhausted. I love him and want the best for us. Any advice? Is this bipolar?

My boyfriend has depression.

replies: 5

Hi all. So I don't really know why I've decided to make this post, I guess I just need to hear from people that have been in a similar situation to me. It helps to talk to my family and friends about this, but they don't really understand what I'm going through. So I'm having a really hard time at the moment. My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a bit now, and it's only been in the past month and a half that things have begun to change. Before we both started our first year of university, things were fine. We were seeing each other as much as possible, talking to each other every day. He's sweet and kind, and always manages to make me smile even when I'm sad. I found that one day it was really hard just to talk to him, he wouldn't return my texts and it was a huge effort to make plans. I found that I was the one making all the effort and that he would just come along for the ride. He admitted to me that he was really stressed out with uni and work and that he was having a hard time balancing time between myself, his friends and family. Then last night (after I had a bit too much to drink, oops!) I admitted to him that I still really loved him and that I wanted us to work through this, etc etc. I asked him things like 'do you still want to be with me, do you still love me?' and his answers were all centered around 'I don't know'. He then admitted to me that he doesn't 'feel anything' and that he thinks he's depressed and that he's been like this for a while. We've had these discussions a lot since the first time he spoke about how he's feeling. But I think he knows for certain now that there's a problem. I told him he needs to seek help. I feel as if I've been swept to the side and I understand that he isn't doing this on purpose. He's not normally an affectionate person, but before all this happened, he tried for me. Now, he shows minimal affection and for me, that sucks, because I love being affectionate. It's rare that he kisses me, hugs me, there has been no sex for a while. I know a completely different side to him though and I know this isn't who he used to be, which is why I think it's so hard for me just to 'end it'. He is such a kind and beautiful person and I really want to know what I can do to make this easier on him and myself. I feel like I'm no good at all because this is out of my control, he's the one that needs to fix it. Any insight or advice would help, a lot. Thanks xo

Just so damned exhausted

replies: 3

Well this is a first for me, I have never reached out before, I have always been ' the strong one'. I have been married for 27 yrs and my husband has suffered from depression for about 20 of those years. In the beginning it was sort of bouts of it where he would fall in the black hole and eventually(usually a few months) manage to crawl back out. For the last 13 years he has been in the whole full time with only occasionally poking his head above ground. I know what a battle he is going through and how hard he tries to not slip back down. Our life together has changed so much in the last 6 years, he was eventually medically discharged from the defence force due to his depression, he had sort treatment for it formally from them about 10 years ago and of course that was career suicide, with promotions being prevented etc. He has had multiple episodes of PTSD, with Maj depression and general anxiety. He served his country faithfully and they in turn completely let him and us down. After spending years of dragging our young family back and forth across this country they turfed him out without any pension or financial support. It took 18 months and a letter to the minister to finally get DVA to take any action on his claims. But that's a whole other story. I was a nurse for 30 yrs and have worked in some pretty stressful areas, but had to quit working 4 years ago as once he had been discharged he became worse and Would call about 10 times a day so I just spent my days worrying if he was going to still be there when I got home. So we moved from the city and live on a rural block outside a country town, this has helped him but I find it isolating. I'm with him 24 hrs a day and have no friends now, most have just faded away and I just don't seem to have the energy to make new ones. It's too hard to explain why he is always either up, down, angry or cynical. I love him and accept that he won't ever be ' cured', but I am just feeling so exhausted now and wonder if I can keep on giving indefinately, I just feel like I'm eroding away. It is so had when he asks if I'm ok to continue to say yes. But I know if I tell him how I really feel it will make his tenuous grasp on the edge of the hole slip and down he will go again, which will just make it harder again for both of us. Im sorry this has turned into an epic read but I just needed to offload somewhere

just looking for answers and advice

replies: 2

Hey guys, forgive me if you've answer this question a million times. Why do people with depression leave the people they know care about them the most? My now ex girlfriend has done this to me a few times telling me that's she's this and she's that, I've tried to be supportive and patient but she tells me to move on and ignores my every attempt at contact, is this a normal thing? Do I wait until she returns to herself? It has happened a couple of times and until this time I didn't have much if any knowledge of depression and when she comes back she's always sorry for what has happened, any advice would be really appreciated.

I've told him that he's showint signs, but he denies it. Please help me.

replies: 2

Hi everyone, I've recently started to notice signs of depression in my partner (withdrawal, uncertainty, not enjoying what he used to do, lacking interest in me- emotionally and physically, etc.) My full story is in the 'Depression' thread under 'My boyfriend is depressed' if you wish to have all the information. Anyway, today I planned to catch up and just to talk. I admitted to him what he had shown signs and symptoms for the past month and a half. I explained to him that these feelings are completely normal and nothing to be ashamed about and that it was brave of him to realise there might be a problem. After telling him that it would be a good idea to see a GP to talk about what's going on so that he could get referred, he started denying that it was depression, stating that 'he's always been like this', that he 'doesn't need to see a GP' and that 'he has always felt empty'. After this, I explained to him that this isn't who he is. Before this, he was completely different. Although always being difficult to talk to about serious things (his emotions) and not always being a very affectionate person, he's always tried. I don't know where to go from here. Obviously I should give it time and be patient, because he might come to the full realisation of what the problem is a week from now for example, but I'd just like any advice from anyone that has gone through this. What else can I say? What else can I do? How do I get him to stop denying it? I can't help but feel neglected and feel as if everything I am doing is not worth it. I know that sounds selfish, but I just feel bery confused and overwhelmed at the moment. I really do love him and want what's best for him. Any advice from anyone would be very helpful and please don't feel as if you'd offend me if you hold other views. I am open to anything at the moment. carnevermind xo

I think my marriage is over, but I don't want to admit it.

replies: 7

I have been in a relationship with M for 18 years and married to him for most of that. I discovered quickly that he had mental health issues, but it wasn't until a few years into our relationship that with the help of his mother we encouraged him to see a GP who simply prescribed him anti-depressant without any real discussion or diagnosis. However, I made the decision early on that I loved this man, and his depression was part of that. Through out the years we've had normal ups and downs, but one issues that has been around for a while was his concern with my weight. He maintained that he loved me regardless of my size, but felt that I would be better off if I was healthier. I have a box of love letters from him, one every year on Valentines Day. We had kids late - our eldest is 5.5yrs. M hasn't been the same since. His periods of down have become more regular. His family have tried to talk to him about this prolonged darkness. He refuses to seek any sort of therapy or medical diagnosis, but remains on anti-depressant. Earlier this year after an extended dark time he told me that he doesn't love me any more. That I was too fat and he deserved someone attractive that he could accept. He said that my weight was a bad role model for our children. But he also said that if I was to leave I was being selfish, and that having both parents together is the most important thing for our children. In the 10 months or so since he has told me that he doesn't even like me any more. He regularly throws nasty comments my way. He barely talks to me, and only if it involves the kids. He still works a F-T job, he participates in household chores like cooking and cleaning. But he has no friends (never really did), no hobbies, occasionally he laughs as he interacts with the kids but mostly it's hit and miss as to what his mood is. He is never happy. I can see that he is trying to maintain normalcy for the kids. We've slept in separate rooms for months. The kids think that's so my 3yr old can sleep with me, but sooner or later that won't fly any more. Should I leave? Is the problem really my weight? Is this just a phase? What is this doing to the kids, now and in the long term? Egg shells, cold shoulders, loneliness, tears, they are all a part of my day-to-day. I have committed to this man for 18 years. I think that this awful disease has taken away the man that I love and left me with a mean spirited stranger. Any words of wisdom, support or advice would be greatly appreciated.

I'm a wife of a man with depression

replies: 5

Hi all, I need advice/support/help to try and make my husband better. He has had severe depression for 3 years now and he doesn't seem to be getting better. The doctor just keeps increasing his AD's, and now it looks like his work are going to try and sack him, even though he is still managing to work.... to the point of having nothing left inside for anything else. I look forward to getting any help I can in this forum, and thank you all in anticipation. x

Repressed memory or delusional?

replies: 1

Where do I start? It's about a very close friend and it is a long story - i will try and keep it brief. My friend and I have grown up together as our mums were best friends. She was adopted, as well as her sister, from different biological parents. My friends biological parents were both drug induced psychotics; one passed from suicide and the other from an OD. My friend was born addicted to heroin which has resulted in her pre disposition to drug dependency and mental illness.Their adoptive mother was unable to have children because of early childhood sexual abuse. When we were all very young, maybe 2 or 3, it was discovered that her mothers husband at the time had been sexually abusing my friends older sister - she is one year older. She later remarried my friends now adoptive father. Despite all this, we shared a very happy childhood together. For the most part we attended the same schools, played sport together and spent the majority of our time together.She has always been a popular and well liked person due to her great humour and magnetism. As a teenager, she suffered from depression and self harmed. Her family life was quite turbulent as her mother suffers from bipolar, alcoholism and prescription drug addiction. Her father and older sister worked away, so she was the caretaker.Since, they have quite a volatile relationship, from not talking to being extremely close. During our early twenties, my friend was also in an extremely toxic relationship that she hasn't overcome. Late last year she suffered her first psychotic break at 25yrs (triggered by heavy marijuana use) and was hospitalised for 2 weeks. During this break, she was convinced that she was sexually abused as a child, that everyone was lying to her, and that we were sisters.I have noticed that she is now showing bipolar behaviour; depression, extreme highs, promiscuity, obsession over romantic interests. She is gay but has recently developed physical repulsion towards men. We have lived together for the last year and I'm moving out next week.This week she told me she remembered something about us - & mentioned my dad. Implying something that I can even write. My dad is a decent & kind person and it is in fathomable he could anything of the sort. She also believes that it happened to me - which is completely false.I don't know if she is trying to manipulate me so I don't 'leave' her as she has deep rooted abandonment fears. Is she delusional or could she be telling the truth?

Depressed boyfriend stays at friends house/avoiding home

replies: 5

Hi all My boyfriend of almost 3 years admitted to me about 1 year ago he was depressed, and only just saw a doctor about it last Friday. Since Monday last week, after we both had a mini break down and a good heart to heart (where he admitted he hates being in the house, seeing the affect his depression is having on me, how much work I do around the house and that he wants everything to go away and just be alone), he has been staying at friends and his parents house. He was coming home Thursday - but wanted a clear mind for Friday's appointment and said he'd come home and unload at me about his fears, concerns etc. The appointment went bad. He broke down, got very upset and just said he was in a lot of pain afterwards he had to heal, so no Friday night stay or visit. He was then supposed to be coming home tonight - staying at a friends again. Has admitted he is unsure about staying here tomorrow as he is trying to get into his first counselling appointment, but has committed to coming for dinner with me. We spent all day together today which we both loved. I broke down last night as I panicked thinking he lied and was staying at a female friends house instead of where he really said (and I'm sure he's having dinner there tonight too) and asked to see him (as I hadn't since Tuesday when he came for quick supplies), and he came straight away - was in the car driving before he called to find out what was wrong. So when I need him, and ask, he will come. He keeps reassuring me, telling me he is only doing all the doctors, therapy and talking deep with his friends, all of which he hates, because he wants to get better and happy both for himself, and to keep our relationship, and to stop it from affecting me so much. After all that, I still just feel so abandoned. That he is happier and more comfortable at his friends house rather than with me. He says he loves me, he enjoys spending time with me, that our plans today kept him going through the tough week... But why doesn't he want to be here with me? Why is it easier to be at his friends house, playing games and chatting than home with me? Should I keep giving the space he needs, with the boundaries set that he will visit me every afternoon or second day for dinner and a chat?

Partners depression is morphing

replies: 5

My partner suffers from depression, the most common symptoms being inertia, sadness and negativity. Over the past five months this has changed shape and is now anger, resentment and verbal abuse. The pattern that has evolved means we have three calm days then he explodes. I'm called terrible names, he yells, follows me around when I leave the room and orders me to "get back here" or "stand there until I've finished with you". He corners me in a room and uses his chest to pin me against furniture. Instead of being supportive for him I'm now frightened of him. So, where to from here? Do I continue to support his battle with depression or seek help for his abusive behaviour? Anyone been in a similar situation?

Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s? replies: 3

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience replies: 41

Husband who suffers anxiety and depression, possibly bipolar. He's had enough of my problems and wants me to change. replies: 3

My boyfriend has depression. replies: 5

Just so damned exhausted replies: 3

just looking for answers and advice replies: 2

I've told him that he's showint signs, but he denies it. Please help me. replies: 2

I think my marriage is over, but I don't want to admit it. replies: 7

I'm a wife of a man with depression replies: 5

Repressed memory or delusional? replies: 1

Depressed boyfriend stays at friends house/avoiding home replies: 5

Partners depression is morphing replies: 5