Partners depression is morphing

bee61 · ‎11-04-2016

My partner suffers from depression, the most common symptoms being inertia, sadness and negativity. Over the past five months this has changed shape and is now anger, resentment and verbal abuse. The pattern that has evolved means we have three calm days then he explodes. I'm called terrible names, he yells, follows me around when I leave the room and orders me to "get back here" or "stand there until I've finished with you". He corners me in a room and uses his chest to pin me against furniture. Instead of being supportive for him I'm now frightened of him. So, where to from here? Do I continue to support his battle with depression or seek help for his abusive behaviour? Anyone been in a similar situation?

Starwolf · ‎11-04-2016

Hi Bee61,

Thanks for sharing your story. Unfortunately, quite a few of us are/have been in an abusive situation at home. Well done for taking this courageous first step.

You are in a difficult, potentially dangerous situation. Is your partner receiving treatment for his depression ? If he is, it is time for a reassessment of the situation. If applicable I would contact his therapist to inform him/her about the present situation. In any case, it is time for you to take steps to protect yourself before his abusive behaviour escalates into something even more confronting.

Without necessarily withdrawing your support, I would suggest moving to safer ground until something is done to control his outbursts. Depression is one thing. Abuse is of a different nature, not a direct consequence, although a depressive state of mind may exacerbate an already existing tendency.

You are caring and supportive but your first responsibility is towards yourself. You don't deserve to live in fear. Withdrawing would make it clear that his mental unrest is no excuse for emotional or physical abuse. It is simply not acceptable. Please make your position clear as soon as possible. Putting up with the abuse would only encourage escalation of the bullying.

If you scroll to the bottom of this page, you will find helpful sites to help you look after yourself while supporting someone suffering a mental illness. Meanwhile, I hope you will continue to post here to let us know how you go. We'll be here to support you whenever needed.

My thoughts are with you.

Carmela · ‎12-04-2016

Hi Bee61, welcome to Beyondblue and thanks for reaching out to our community.

I am concerned with your partners behaviour and the abuse directed and you I want to clearly say that this is not okay. Depression is not an excuse for abuse and you should not have to put up with this. Can you reach out to an understanding family or friend who can act as your support? I agree with Starwolf and going to 'safer ground' would be ideal.

If you decide to stay and the behaviour continues, I strongly encourage you to get in touch with 1800RESPECT, our national family violence service, to get more information and support around your home situation. Details are below. 1800RESPECT can help you to make a safety plan, however If you ever feel in immediate danger know that you can call 000 for emergency services to attend.

1800 RESPECT
Phone: 1800 737 732
Hours: 24/7
Website: www.1800respect.org.au

In relation to your question on continuing support, l would say no if his behaviour continues. Do not put the relationship or your partner before you. Stay safe and continue to reach out.

Carmela x

still_believe_in_forever_ · ‎13-04-2016

Hi

I am new to site but read your post and it was where I was 8 years ago. I have tried so many things I can not give advice but just to let you know you are not alone . Not so easy to walk away or seek legal restraints.

I

bee61 · ‎20-04-2016

Hi all, just checking in. Thank you for the replies, it certainly helps to receive another persons perspective. Sometimes it feels like it's all in my imagination. I have spoken to my partner in one of his quiet moments and said that his behaviour is unacceptable and he must go back to his doctor for help. I have also put in place a safety plan. I have money, clothes etc packed away. I have a safe place to go to for a few days if I need to leave in a hurry. I have seen my doctor and told him what is occurring. I have told a neighbour of what is happening and my friends now know. Small steps I know, but hopefully they carry me to where I need to go.

Starwolf · ‎20-04-2016

Hi Bee,

Thank you so much for your feedback. I am relieved to know you are taking good care of yourself. I once was involved in violent intimate situations and know how volatile and dangerous they can get. Prevention is a wise move. Being yelled at and forcibly pinned against the furniture is no figment of your imagination.

I hope your partner's response to your talk will be positive...for both of you. And yes, you're quite right, baby steps are the way to go. Well done !