Depressed boyfriend stays at friends house/avoiding home

[avier]

Hi all

My boyfriend of almost 3 years admitted to me about 1 year ago he was depressed, and only just saw a doctor about it last Friday.

Since Monday last week, after we both had a mini break down and a good heart to heart (where he admitted he hates being in the house, seeing the affect his depression is having on me, how much work I do around the house and that he wants everything to go away and just be alone), he has been staying at friends and his parents house.

He was coming home Thursday - but wanted a clear mind for Friday's appointment and said he'd come home and unload at me about his fears, concerns etc. The appointment went bad. He broke down, got very upset and just said he was in a lot of pain afterwards he had to heal, so no Friday night stay or visit.

He was then supposed to be coming home tonight - staying at a friends again.

Has admitted he is unsure about staying here tomorrow as he is trying to get into his first counselling appointment, but has committed to coming for dinner with me.

We spent all day together today which we both loved. I broke down last night as I panicked thinking he lied and was staying at a female friends house instead of where he really said (and I'm sure he's having dinner there tonight too) and asked to see him (as I hadn't since Tuesday when he came for quick supplies), and he came straight away - was in the car driving before he called to find out what was wrong. So when I need him, and ask, he will come.

He keeps reassuring me, telling me he is only doing all the doctors, therapy and talking deep with his friends, all of which he hates, because he wants to get better and happy both for himself, and to keep our relationship, and to stop it from affecting me so much.

After all that, I still just feel so abandoned. That he is happier and more comfortable at his friends house rather than with me. He says he loves me, he enjoys spending time with me, that our plans today kept him going through the tough week... But why doesn't he want to be here with me? Why is it easier to be at his friends house, playing games and chatting than home with me?

Should I keep giving the space he needs, with the boundaries set that he will visit me every afternoon or second day for dinner and a chat?

[White_Rose]

Dear Avier

Hello and welcome to BB. My apologies that you have been waiting for a reply.

You are describing a person with all the classic signs of depression. So first of all I suggest you explore this web site and read all the information about depression. Start with the blue tabs at the top of the page. Download the information or send for hard copies. It is useful, well extremely important really, that you have a grasp of pattern of depression.

It is one of the most common symptoms in a depressed person is to think they are not good enough for a partner, to push that person away, to not want to talk about it all because it is so hard and painful. So far your BF is on track with this. It's hard to understand depression without being there. And I am saying this with all respect to you. There are no physical symptoms such as a fever, or rash etc. The person may be constantly tired and withdrawn, often refusing to talk about anything and find it difficult to carry out ordinary chores or manage at work.

When someone first meets with a psychologist or psychiatrist, tears are almost mandatory. For the first time they can tell someone who really understands how they feel. The room is set up to be non-threatening and it feels safe. Almost like being out of the real world and in a little bunker where they can talk about their problems.

It is emotionally highly charged and afterwards the person is often exhausted. Sounds like torture doesn't it? In reality there is a huge feeling of relief, hence the talking and exhaustion. It is hard work for anyone. Often a person does not want to talk about what has happened. In your case your BF knows you will want to hear what happened and my guess is he would find that a bit scary.

I hope he is going back to the psych as this is clearly what he needs. Can you tell him you will not ask and he can tell you when he is ready. Remember this is his way of trying to not hurt you. And yes, he is hurting you by not allowing you to comfort him. The black dog of depression can make us believe all sorts of untrue things about others and ourselves.

May I suggest you tell him you love and miss him and would like him to come home. Say that you believe his own home is the most comfortable place for him. My guess is that he is not telling his friends what happened in the therapy session and they are giving him the space he needs. If you can do this in your home with him it will help enormously.

Please keep in contact.

Mary

[avier]

Hi Rose

Thank you for your response. I feel I've read almost the whole Internet about depression and I'm trying my best to understand what he is going through.

He consistently tells me he is getting help to make us better, that he loves me, that he wants to come home but doesn't feel he is in the right head space for it yet. I do understand all this and want to let him have his space. I constantly tell him I love him, and I will give him whatever he needs to heal. If he needs space, a shoulder, just hugs in silence, I will be there for him.

My biggest concern (that I left out as I fear I'm not ready for the answer) is where he is staying - he told me it was with his friend, but I'm seeing a lot of evidence via other friends social media that he is staying elsewhere. At another womans house.
I've already expressed to him I am concerned over this closeness he has with a female I don't even know. I've expressed that I am intimidated by her existence in his life, filling a place I currently can't/he won't let me fill.
He never admitted he was or wasn't staying there, just that he had his work setup at both friends houses in case one of them wasn't home.

I've asked him to come over tonight after work as I needed to see him.
When I ask, he comes without issues, but I do not expect him to stay.
Sadly, I'm fully expecting he will be going back to her house. Without telling me.

I should trust him. He keeps telling me he would never do that to me, but I think the big issue is we met and got together while he was at the end of another relationship.

He didn't break up with her straight away, but doesn't know I know this. It just keeps eating in my head that perhaps I am now her.

And then I sit here feeling guilty I think this way about him, that I doubt his love for me so much I would think him capable of doing that. He has never shown any signs of being interested in anyone else...
But he isn't home with me anymore. He's 'home' with her. And it just hurts.

I am worried I am going to push him away with all of this, but I don't know how to approach him, to let him know that his misdirection is what hurts more than staying with her. If he was straight up, I would at least be less suspicious about his intent and figure its just him staying at a friends house.

[avier]

And reading over this after letting my own feelings, instant reactions and emotions drop away, I seem insane and selfish. I trust him. I love him. I shouldn't be second guessing or distrusting him, nor should I be shocked he ddoesn't want to tell me he is staying with her considering my panic attack over it recently.

I think a lot of my worries and fears are from my own things, so I am finally admitting I need help working through this and will be seeing a doctor tomorrow for me.

I am struggling having him away. I moved up here to be with him and haven't really built my own support base just yet, so I'm realising I rely on him too much for my own emotional stability and that cannot be helping him at all.

For now all I can do is be as supportive as possible. Give him the space, let him know I am here for him whenever he needs me.

Leave my own fears and worries to myself and let him focus on his own emotions rather than having to deal with my insecurities and emotions all the time.

Thanks for reading my insanity. Sorry this possibly isn't really a helpful post for anyone.

Any tips on how to calm yourself, stop yourself from jumping to conclusions and coming up with insane scenarios in your head and then getting upset over them? 🙂

[Lightbeam]

Hi Avier

Please don't feel selfish about your feelings, I think they are perfectly normal given your position.

I can completely relate to how you feel after having been in a very similar situation. It's hard when you are told that you are loved & cared about but see everyone else except you having your loved one's time and attention. Your mind truly starts to play tricks on you & sometimes you start to believe it.

Currently I am struggling with my own doubts with someone I love dearly & their long term mental health battles & whether or not I should trust what he says is true.

It's a long, hard road, try to remain strong & resilient. Seeking support for yourself is a great idea as well as reading up on depression & anxiety. Be aware, you will probably lose it every now & then, I know that I have out of sheer frustration & hurt, followed by guilt. I wish I could offer sound advice on what works but after 2 years on this road, I'm still yet to find it! Using this space to share our experiences is also beneficial, it will give you the opportunity to vent & also gives reassurance that you are not alone.

It is great that your partner is seeking help, it is a positive step forward.

Keep up the great work xx

[White_Rose]

Hello Avier

Do you know what help your BF is getting? Does he take medication? Do you know which doctor he is talking to and if he has been referred to a psychologist? If so , who is the psych? If you feel suspicious about him then ask these questions. If he is telling the truth there he is probably telling the truth about other things.

Your BF is the one with depression and his answers to you on any topic will be based on how he feels at that moment. So he may be off-hand, cranky, happy, wanting to share, wanting to ignore the whole thing. And he can feel all those emotions within a short time. A bit like Melbourne weather I'm told. (I am in Qld). I don't know if he is lying to you and I have little idea how to discover this. My method is basically to go with my gut feeling. It doesn't always work.

You moved to be near him and I believe it is reasonable that he continue to live with you. It seems to me he has the best of both worlds. Someone to talk to when he feels down, his friends and you; somewhere to escape to where he will not be asked questions; and all with no responsibilities towards you. Seems a bit one-sided to me.

There have been many posts on BB about one partner, usually the man, moving out because he doesn't want to be a burden, needs his space, can't talk to his wife (though he can talk to friends), not attending any kind of therapy or doing so irregularly. It's so much easier to live and hold the depression at bay. Trouble is, the depression gets worse and he has to fight harder, friends drift away, and by then so has the wife. He will not believe you if you say this, because people with depression find it difficult to face reality. I know, I've been there. So much easier to live in never, never land.

Your BF needs lots of support I agree. He's not getting from the one person he professes to love which makes life hard for you and him. If he loves and wants you in his life full time and forever, he needs to be with you where you can both manage his depression. This running off never works. He is the only one who can change both his way of life and depression. And anyone in that position has an enormous advantage living with a loving partner.

I suggest you visit your GP and have a chat about you feel. You are deeply unhappy with this situation and would benefit from some professional support, if only to sort out your feelings. In the meantime, if the BF is playing around, give him the flick.

Mary