Feeling so guilty...

Whatsnext1 · ‎08-04-2016

Well, I have no idea why, but I'm new to this forum. I shouldn't be new at all. I've been living with my husband's appalling mental health, rock bottom self esteem, anxiety and panic attacks for just under 20 years. After he had a breakdown of sorts last March, he finally agreed to seeking professional help. I was over the moon! He's been attending for 13 months now, but isn't one step further forward. I'm so, so gutted, I can't even begin to describe it. He was mortified to be told by someone other than me that he has multiple major issues, so refuses to read the books, do the tasks, learn the strategies or anything. I'm beginning to despise him. When he did nothing about getting help, I always had hope. I now have nothing. He's depressed, his self esteem is worse than ever - because it's now established that this is real, it will take years to improve - but will never go away. He doesn't want to hear it, he says. He's asked the psych to find a magic wand and make it all go away. He's been told that only he can do the work, but again refused. He's now been told by the psychologist that he must see a psychiatrist and a neurologist- much to his disgust. I'm struggling to have any respect for someone who's put me through so much, yet had my support.... From planning our first baby, then saying on his arrival "I can't do this, and am having nothing to do with it" to a million other painful things. I have said I want a divorce, but I don't think we can afford to separate. He lost his job a year ago, and had to become bankrupt. This is a total and utter mess. Why didn't I leave two decades ago???

Why will someone who has numerous issues, not accept he needs to work on getting better? Saying "I don't have mental health issues" is crazy. I can say "I'm still 55 kilos.... Doesn't make it true!!!

Please be kind - I feel badly about wanting out, as it is x x

geoff · ‎08-04-2016

hello, I can understand exactly what you are saying and thinking that 20 years is an enormous amount of time to struggle through with all of this, as I have to address my reply back to you as you have posted this comment.
After a long time of suffering he then decided to get help, but nothing was working to get him better, so now he has given up and doesn't want anything to do in trying to get any better, wow the pressure this must put on you would be horrendous, especially for all those 20 years.
For him to be pushed from one person and suggested he see two other professionals must be discouraging for the both of you and for you to be on the other side trying to cope with what is going on is just as bad as him suffering, so now we have two people who need help.
Whether you feel as though it's time that you were to leave this marriage must have been on your mind for such a long time, because it has drawn you into a state of feeling depressed yourself, with no joy and pleasure at all.
You are unable to help him anymore, that probably passed a long time ago, and I would suggest that one of you move out, and I would think that if you stay there then there will be too many awful thoughts of what has been going on over all this time.
This won't mean that you have any contact with him if that's what you want, but his indecision of not wanting any help is not going to help him, but can I say that it would be wish for you to go and see your doctor before a new life can begin.
I would like to continue your post so please can you get back to us. Geoff. x

blondguy · ‎08-04-2016

Hi...my name is Paul. I am sincerely sorry that your husband is still after a magic wand (that will never happen of course) where his illness is concerned. There is a time and place for 'Bravado' and being in denial but its not now. I have had depression and anxiety for over 25 years and wanted desperately to heal....and have for the most part. With all respect I pity your husband's denial and am concerned for you and your future

Please forgive me but life is already too short and he is unwilling to even help his own marriage by helping himself first. Your health now is paramount with or without the financials. You have tried so very hard for so long your own health is starting to suffer. I echo Geoffs words regarding someone having to go. This may be a new phase in your life. You do deserve the joy and happiness you mentioned. I am sorry for your pain and anguish.

That visit to a doc that Geoff mentioned would be a great idea so you can heal from this long and protracted period of turmoil you have gone through. You come first...all other considerations are secondary.

I do hope you can get back to us

My very kindest thoughts and wishes to you

Paul x

Toodlepip · ‎08-04-2016

G'day Whats next,

Don't feel guilty! I am in the same situation as you, 20 years of living with my wife's depression and only on Monday, for the first time, I moved out for a week. My situation is slightly different, my wife has always recognised she is depressed and has always sought help, but after all these years and sooo many different treatments and drugs she is worse, not better. I feel terrible as I feel like I have let her down, as nothing I have ever done makes any difference. I have changed my lifestyle several times to accommodate her illness, been quietly supportive, pushed her gently, and in the last few years I am embarressed to admit I have started to give up. She is very negative and angry all the time, and never listens to my advice. We cannot even talk anymore. I have two daughters, 10 an 13 and I am terrified that they will be impacted by their mothers behaviour.

It is so hard some days, but please don't blame yourself for having these thoughts, I do too, and I am constantly reminding myself it is natural. You sound to me like a logical, sensible person that is torn between guilt, a sense of loyalty, frustration, and if you're like me, a sense of you are wasting your life away stuck in a no win situation.

I am going home tomorrow, this is my first time I have ever taken a break away from her, and deep down I know nothing is resolved. Is it right or wrong to stay? I wish with all my heart I could tell you WN, yet I am still struggling to answer this myself.

I believe perseverance is the key, and so important, but I do understand that little voice saying "is it really worth it? Am I just a mug for putting up with it". God, how can I be normal and yet not be able to fix this part of my life?

Hope you are ok mate, I really feel for you.

Cheers,

TP

blondguy · ‎10-04-2016

Hi WhatsNext and Welcome to the forums TP

Hi WhatsNext..Just seeing how you are traveling..I hope you are doing reasonably okay?

Sorry WhatsNext....I just wanted to say hi to TP...G'day TP! I used to be very negative and angry all the time and that was a bad place to be in. I nearly lived at my GP's clinic until we found the right 'balance of meds and a kind therapist that worked. I just wanted to give you and your wife some support on that one. Your heart is kind TP

Kind Thoughts

Paul

doyoulikemyhat_ · ‎19-04-2016

Hi Whats Next

I've just posted something similar (but didn't come right out and say it!). I kind of expect to get flamed for saying it out loud as people on this forum are so supportive and understanding (which I think I am lacking just lately).

I hope you've managed to make peace with your decision if you have decided to leave. I'm sure its not an easy road to take both emotionally and financially so I commend you on being brave and taking a stand for yourself and your child!