bipolar husband

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Originally posted by: Rosemary on 8 April 2011

I have been with my husband for 5 years. It is a second marriage for both of us. We have a combined family. He was diagnosed with bi polar about 18 months ago after experiencing a major depressive episode in 2008. He has never really experienced a manic episode. He has seen a psychiatrist and 2 different pyscologists. I have attended a couple of his psychiatry appointments and have found his psychiatrist lacking. My husband "tells him what he wants to hear" He has been on Lithium for about 12 months. Sometimes life is pleasant. When things are ok he can be a lovely person but at the drop of a hat he can be very nasty. I can make a very innocuous comment and he will take it as attack and then it is on. He is very good at blaming me or the kids for his problems. I've had enough. I am a compassionate person by nature. My job is in health but I'm burnt out. I was reading a women' s post about how she was a horrible person and she was hopeless etc. I know she is in pain and needs treatment but I've heard it all from my husband and I've supported, copped the abuse, watched my kids being alienated from me, taken the blame and apologized for stuff I didn't do and I really don't care anymore. He's said at times that he's been in a multi -story car park and thought about jumping. Well,sometimes I feel that if I was there I'd be happy to push. How horrible is that.? What kind of a person am I? I want to be happy. I want to have a peaceful life. I want to not dread coming home. I want to be able to answer my phone and not have that tightening in my chest because it's him and I know he'll be in a bad mood and I'll have done something wrong. I want my family and friends to visit me again and not stay away because it's like walking on egg shells. I want my nice husband not the angry, nasty one. I want I want......how selfish am I? I should just suck it up. I know what the response will be. I've read the books. You have to take care of yourself, speak to someone, be patient, be understanding, know it's not you. I know he hurts, I know he doesn't choose to be like this, I know there is a good person in there but I'm so over it all. If I leave I have to live with the guilt. If I stay I have to deal with the grief and I can't even leave, it's my house, I'd have to throw him out. How can I do that to him and his kids. I see no joy in the future. I'm not depressed, I'm just realistic. Mental illness is the pits. We're just keeping the various health professionals BMW's on the road. There is no support, no light at the end of the tunnel that's not a train. There is no future that is not filled with grief. Most people with bi polar can live healthy and productive lives........yes at the expense of their families.

[Bulletin_Board_Archive]

Originally posted by: Phil on 8 April 2011

Dear Rosemary, It sounds like you are going through a tough time at the moment. I'm sure no one would blame you for giving up on your husband and leaving for a happier life but if you want to stand by him there are a few clues in your words that indicate that your husband is being mismanaged by a "lacking" psychiatrist. I'm sure there are a few incompetent old psychiatrists out there that don't update themselves on the latest modern treatments and medications. you mention what sounds like an old tired unreliable medication to me and I believe there are much better medications that have just hit the market like the anti psychotic that I take religiously and I believe it keeps me from relapsing into the nightmare that is psychosis. ( I can't name it for some reason) Rosemary I believe your husband should go back to the drawing board and start with a search on Beyond Blue recommended GP that states they specialise in depression. You can do a search on the website or ring up. The GP will have the contacts for the best mental health professionals I bet and then it's just up to your husband to open up to them and trial and error some medications for about 6 months. I am also concerned for the condition you find yourself in Rosemary. If you are in the health industry you are probably overworked, hardworking and caring and under appreciated. My heart and best wishes go out to all the hardworking health professionals out there that are overworked and work in a toxic environment amongst their own colleagues. You just have to read about the rate of suicide amongst ambulance officers and the bullying environment that exists. The link on this site to the 7:30 report about the above average rate of health professionals suffering from stress and mental health conditions was very educational. The fact that they may face being struck off if they seek help really sucks. Rosemary please consider seeking some help for yourself. Why is it so hard for health professionals to accept that sometimes they need help also? Surely they are just like the other quarter of the population that may need help to access treatment that brings good mental health. Rosemary thank you for coming on the board and well done for bringing issues to light. Good luck and please let us know how you go..

[Bulletin_Board_Archive]

Originally posted by: June on 9 April 2011

Rosemary reading your post took me back to living with my ex. My posts my ex needs help. Everything you describe is just how it was for us. It's unbearable hard at times. Please take on board the wonderful advice from the team here they know what they are talking about. I have no answers for you apart from find another doctor. Also put yourself first for a bit, living with bipolar is hard but there is light at the end of the tunnel. Also if you can talk to him about what all of this is doing to you, maybe that will snap him into seeking more help. Take care of you, your children I so hope everything works out for you.

[Bulletin_Board_Archive]

Originally posted by: Ros on 14 March 2012

I wonder how you are going one year on...everything you write sounds so familiar..thankyou, you haave helped to confirm, in my mind, that i am not alone. best wsihes to you.

[Bulletin_Board_Archive]

Originally posted by: Helen on 18 March 2012

This is my first visit to this site. I was planning on posting my own thoughts about my stuggles and torment of living with my husband who has bipolar but your story reflects exactly what i would have said. I have recently asked him to move out and I do I suffer with the guilt of doing that but i cannot live with the aggression or irrational behaviours anymore. I and my kids are suffering. Its a tough decision either way.I wait in fear sometimes of the direction I have chosen. I would like to know how you are coping.

[Bulletin_Board_Archive]

Originally posted by: Lisa on 2 June 2012

OMG Rosemary, Your story is So much like mine. I am not married to my bipolar man nor live with him. I have know him for 30 years and been with him for 3. I love him dearly, but in doing so it has alienated my teenage children. I have struggled financially, emotionally, and physically with this disorder. My man has not been diagnosed. I have done lots of research and everything leads to bipolar. Yes i can walk away, but he has alienated his family and friends and has no one but me. I have managed to have him hospitalised, but he was let out as he has mastered the art of manipulation and is so convincing that there is nothing wrong with him. Yet he constantly threatens suicide and im sure the police are sick of our calls for a welfare check. His family and friends all have stories about him, but yet all are either too scared or had enough to bother with him anymore. Despite all he has done to me, and there has been ALOT, i still want to help him. I JUST DONT KNOW HOW. Do i walk away? Do i let him take his own life??

[Bulletin_Board_Archive]

Originally posted by: geoff on 4 June 2012

dear Lisa, this is a catch 22 situation. The question I would like to ask you is who do love more this friend, partner or your teenage children, taking in the fact that in 10 years you maybe quite likely a grand mother. The other side of the coin is what do your children think of you and can it be repaired. If you believe that it would be difficult or impossible, this is not so. It took a few years to repair my love and more important, my trust and friendship with my 2 sons, because that's what I wanted, and obviously that's what they wanted. I wanted to be involved as a grand father, ( sounds old, but a young, cough cough grand father ), but believe me she looks like me. This may not be fair for your friend, but if he can manipulate the hospital staff, is he doing this to you. You may decide in 10 years to leave him, but then where is grandma. Love Geoff. x

[Kip]

WOW so many of us living in very similar situations! I too am recently separated from the father of my children and the man I do truly love but just CAN NOT take anymore of his undiagnosed, untreated bipolar behaviour! He has refused any form of help which as a student health care worker myself I feel so sad about because it could make a difference. 

Rosemary where are you now? Whats happened in your world? your post has touched my heart and reflects so many of the sentiments I am feeling as well.

Thank you for sharing your story with us all. xx

[hope1978]

I wish I had the guts to call it quits on my bi polar husband. I guess I keep hoping things will get better. It's not good for me or my son. How is your life now? How is your ex husband going?

[pipsy]

Hi all of you out there with bi-polar partners.  Some have husbands with the illness, some have wives.  It sounds as though most of you had your spouses diagnosed, then 'left on your own'.  I understood with mental health issues, you had to be reviewed every so often to see how you're coping with medication, life in general.  If this is not happening and it sounds as though it's not, is it possible you can get a referral to a specialist through your G.P.  I've found some psychiatrists to be pretty good, some not so good.  Some only see you once a month, more or less.  If you're not happy with your psychiatrist, there's nothing to say you can't get a 'second opinion'.  With bi-polar, which is pretty full-on, reviews would have to happen more than once a month.  I realize the public health system leaves a lot to be desired, but if you visit your G.P and 'lay it on the line' what's happening, surely then you could get the assistance you need.  Maybe with the medication, the person with the illness becomes so immune to the medication, it stops 'working'.  Any medication needs reviewing, the patient becomes so immune to what's in the medication, they simply stop responding.  With bi-polar as with narcissism, the person with the illness becomes so good at hiding their true nature, the family needs to be able to tell G.P or specialist exactly what's happening.  The same with dealing with dementia/alzheimers  -  again -  the person with the disorder puts up such a good front, it can take a long time to diagnose.  The family needs to be able to reiterate to the G.P exactly what's happening.  Dementia/Alzheimers patients initially cover up by saying 'can't think for the moment'.  We all do that, but the Alzheimers/Dementia patient does it more often than a person without the illness does.  Dr's can only 'go' by what they see in front of them for the couple of minutes the patient is there.  If the family can tell the Dr exactly what's happening, the Dr gets a fuller picture and can act quicker.  Don't be put off by patient/Doctor confidentiality, if your spouse has bi-polar, tell the Dr exactly what's happening.  The more he knows, the better.       

Best of luck, hope I've been able to give you some help.