Worried about my sick mum and not sure what to do next

[AlannahR]

Hi,

My mother is 70 and two years ago was diagnosed with terminal lung disease called Pulmonary Fibrosis. It is a terrible disease, but since her diagnosis her physical symptoms have been secondary to her mental ones. Since her diagnosis her mental health has declined alarmingly. She began suffering panic attacks, anxiety and depression and has been on multiple medications, but they haven't helped. She refuses to see or speak to a counsellor or psychologist, but talks about her illness constantly and is also obsessed with other people's illness or misfortune. I did get her to try meditation and hypnosis, but she quit after a few visits saying they don't work.

She visits her G.P regularly and is now taking medication twice a day at the maximum dose, but she is still crippled with panic attacks and anxiety. She is (understandably) terrified about what is going to happen to her as the disease progresses. In particular she does not want to be on oxygen and she is obsessed with checking her oxygen levels (which often triggers panic attacks). Yesterday she had a panic attack at home and was in such a a state that she went down to the G.P's office and created a scene as she begged them for help. She was very distressed and while I don't think the practice handled it very well, I understand that they aren't equipped to deal with this kind of thing. I've told her that if she feels that way again then she needs to go to hospital or call an ambulance, but she is terrified of hospitals and won't call an ambulance as then the neighbours would see!

Her oxygen levels are low and she needs supplementation, but again she is terrified of being tied to the oxygen so refuses it. I'm sure this lack of oxygen is making her mental state worse. She lives at home with my father who is 75 and has his own health concerns (physical) and isn't coping with her anxiety. I am at a loss as to what to do next and worried about what is going to happen to her if she keeps refusing help. I feel like I should be doing something, but have no idea what that is. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

[blondguy]

Dear Alannah

Welcome to the BB Forums especially considering your very sad and tragic circumstances you are in. I will keep my words to a mininum and am sure you will be getting many posting with their help. I am so very sorry.......

Your mum is so young at 70 too..and your dad would be finding this extremely difficult due to his health and age. My mum has dimentia and paranoia and is 86.

If you call your GP as soon as you can and let him know how serious her situation is. He should be able to let you know about what home services are available to assist her with the anxiety and also help with her oxygen supplementation.

Depending on the council your are in..some do have a medical professional come out and assist. In the 80' I my council/shire sent out a psychiatric nurse to help me with acute anxiety attacks. He was wonderful.

I do hope that there may be something here you can use Alannah. I am sorry if I was vague...I really do feel for what you are going through...Your poor mum needs some help...at home...

There are many wonderful people on the forums Alannah

My heartfelt kind wishes for your mum...your dad...and yourself of course. If you can please let us know how you go

Paul x

[pipsy]

Hi AlannahR Welcome here. The situation you're describing sounds as though you're supporting both your parents while obviously your own health could be suffering from the worry. Have you thought about talking to your parents Dr and explaining your concerns to him? Can I ask where they're living? Maybe, at this stage it might be beneficial to discuss with them the idea of selling and moving into a high care facility. Most of these places have units where the patients still retain most of their independence, but there is medical staff available 24/7 should it be required. Their meals are catered, even special diets are catered. This would take some of the pressure off you, and you could rest knowing they are being cared for. I would suggest having a talk with their Dr about the idea and carefully broaching the subject with them, with the Dr. Maybe you could look at contacting one of these places and arrange for some brochures further explaining the benefits.

Lynda.

[AlannahR]

Hi Paul,

Thanks so much for your kind words. I hadn't thought about nursing care at home. That is a great suggestion. I will have a chat to my GP to see what she can suggest. I'm not sure if I can talk to my mum's GP due to privacy, but hopefully mine will be able to point me in the right direction. Thanks again.

[AlannahR]

Hi Pipsy,

Thanks for your support. It is a very hard time. My parents live in the family home. I have tried to get them to access community services or even a meal delivery program, but my mum's mental state is hampering this. She is so focussed on her physical illness that she won't consider anything as big as a move. My dad would be open to some help at home, but I think he wants to keep the peace so goes along with whatever she wants.

[pipsy]

Hi Alannah. May I ask if you have an enduring power of attorney as far as your parents are concerned. If you do, you could perhaps slip along to their Dr and ask him to help you get them some help. When you deal with people with mental health issues, quite often trying to explain something to them is nearly impossible. If you could somehow get your mum's mental state assessed, the person performing the assessment, usually Dr, will then recommend whatever help he thinks is necessary. If, for instance your mum is in the early stages of Dementia, the Dr talks to her, based on whatever the outcome is, he will then discuss with you the next step. With your dad's health being not so good, your mum, experiencing breathing difficulties, it's possible the Dr could 'pull rank' and get them into a care facility. My ex MIL is in the early stages of Dementia and the Dr has stated there will come a time when my stubborn ex FIL won't be able to care for her. They are slightly older than your parents, but my ex FIL has heart problems and is extremely frail too. With your mum requiring oxygen supplements this could be a deciding factor. The move itself would be handled by a removal company, with little disruption to their lives.

Explaining this to your mum, is next to impossible so I wouldn't try. Have a talk with the Dr first, be guided by him.

Lynda.

[blondguy]

Hi Alannah

I thought I'd ask you how you are going...My mum is also on her own and it took me 3 years to get her permission to engage meals on wheels.

I have thought many times of your situation since you posted. I hope you are going reasonably ok

Paul x

[AlannahR]

Hi Paul,

Thanks so much for thinking of me. Mum had another anxiety episode yesterday and went to hospital. They are keeping her there over the weekend as her oxygen levels are low. She has struggled with the cognitive tests they have given her since she's been there, but at least she's getting the care she needs now.

[AlannahR]

Thanks again for your support Lynda. Mum is in hospital at the moment with low oxygen levels and has struggled with the cognitive tests so I am bracing myself for a discussion about dementia. In a way it's a relief to understand what has been going on with her. At least we know what needs to be done now to keep her safe and well cared for. I just keep reminding myself that tough times don't last forever - it just feels like they do!

[blondguy]

Hey Alannah

No worries at all. Happy to be of some help 🙂

It does feel like these awful tough times last forever but as you say they dont.

I was actually relieved that your mum went in to hospital with her acute anxiety and the oxygen levels being low.Your mums welfare and comfort is paramount and its good to know she has a team of experts than can make the best assessment.....I hope you and your dad are okay

My kind wishes to you Alannah

Paul x