When understanding stops and caution stars

[HappyGilroy]

My partner is currently improving from a downward spiral of depression/anxiety and alcohol dependency brought on by PTSD. She has seen a counsellor with me, date booked in for a clinical psychologist and attended her first AA meeting.

All signs are pointing towards a great paced recovery. The problem is that she is doing a lot of new things on her own without me like attending war veteran functions, planning on becoming a regular helper at an RSL, helping others with similar conditions. I don't want to come off as a selfish person, only considering myself. I couldn't be more proud of her and what she is doing, it is truly selfless and amazing !!!. I love her with all my heart and want to support her in everything she's doing I really do.

I just can't help but feel insecure in that I was doing everything to help her through her struggle and now I've been sidelined. I've been seeking a lot of reassurance from her to a point of desperation and I want to have more confidence I just don't know how to proceed.

Through the worst of her condition she would spend time in contact with another man from work. She never made me fee comfortable with this arrangement, Sometimes she would even lie or hide speaking with him, She claimed he was someone she could vent to. I think her intentions were innocent but from what she has told me, the guy never suggested professional help (unlike all the counsellor etc have suggested since seeing them). I believe he had other intentions, it still causes me a lot of embarrassment at work.

I want my partner to continue to heal and improve but I feel like We should have a discussion about boundaries on what can and can't be done. Examples below.

-She can't tell me about what happens at AA, I understand why however would it be fair to ask that anything that happens with AA members outside of the meetings can't be kept secret ? I.e. Her catching up with a person socially ?

- leaving on her own to "support" someone she may not know or understand. Whether or not he's threatening self harm.

- disappearing to the RSL to seek support from fellow veterans and then either coming home plastered (alcohol dependency in mind) or skipping across multiple pubs drink driving.

I just want to make it clear that I want her To continue doing all these great things for herself and her recovery but I also want to make sure I'm not being too understanding to the point where I'm a door mat again with her lying to me again. Basically what's fair or not

[PatT]

Hi HappyGilroy,

As a recovering drug addict (with PTSD) myself I can tell you that trying to get sober is an incredibly arduous and confronting task. You don't really know who to listen to or who to trust and most of the time we're reluctant to take on most of the advice we're given. Generally the best advice actually comes from AA meetings or people who have experienced alcoholism firsthand.

I can't say what the intentions of this other male friend are but if it is concerning you so much then speak to her about it. It's wonderful that you've spent a lot of time assisting her to get to the point she is at now but don't be too disheartened that she's now trying to expand her life beyond her alcoholism. When we're in a bad place we tend to cling onto loved ones for support but when we start on the road to recovery the world starts to look different and less threatening and we branch out, doing things we wouldn't have done before and speaking with people we never would have.

AA is a fellowship based on confidentiality and anonymity so I understand she can't tell you about anything that happens there but i don't really see a reason for her to be keeping secrets in other parts of her life. I'd recommend sitting her down and having a serious conversation about your concerns, but don't make it too much about you. Just let her know you want to be included in her recovery and you feel like she's cutting you out a bit. Be gentle though - this is a hard period for her, based on my own experiences.

[HappyGilroy]

Thanks for your reply Pat and fir sharing your experience.

the male friend I mentioned was a part of the past 6 months, we've fought that battle and she eventually saw the concern and stepped away from that friendship. My concern is the level of understanding I should reach before wondering if she's going to be disrecful in a similar matter in the future.

I really think the best action for my concern is to have a serious conversation about both our boundaries as in what I should know and how to act and also how she can behave so that it's fair on the both of us. I'm just not sure of what is reasonable for those boundaries. What happens inside of AA is sacred, I can appreciate that. I just fear that there are things happening away from that meeting that she might be hiding from me to avoid the embarrassment she may be dealing with. If any of that makes sense.

[PatT]

Absolutely. I can completely empathise with your concern. I think it's best that you have that conversation for your own peace of mind and to perhaps make her aware that maybe she needs to be more inclusive with you in all parts of the relationship