Originally posted by: Rosemary on 8 April 2011
I have been with my husband for 5 years. It is a second marriage for both of us. We have a combined family. He was diagnosed with bi polar about 18 months ago after experiencing a major depressive episode in 2008. He has never really experienced a manic episode. He has seen a psychiatrist and 2 different pyscologists. I have attended a couple of his psychiatry appointments and have found his psychiatrist lacking. My husband "tells him what he wants to hear" He has been on Lithium for about 12 months. Sometimes life is pleasant. When things are ok he can be a lovely person but at the drop of a hat he can be very nasty. I can make a very innocuous comment and he will take it as attack and then it is on. He is very good at blaming me or the kids for his problems. I've had enough. I am a compassionate person by nature. My job is in health but I'm burnt out. I was reading a women' s post about how she was a horrible person and she was hopeless etc. I know she is in pain and needs treatment but I've heard it all from my husband and I've supported, copped the abuse, watched my kids being alienated from me, taken the blame and apologized for stuff I didn't do and I really don't care anymore. He's said at times that he's been in a multi -story car park and thought about jumping. Well,sometimes I feel that if I was there I'd be happy to push. How horrible is that.? What kind of a person am I? I want to be happy. I want to have a peaceful life. I want to not dread coming home. I want to be able to answer my phone and not have that tightening in my chest because it's him and I know he'll be in a bad mood and I'll have done something wrong. I want my family and friends to visit me again and not stay away because it's like walking on egg shells. I want my nice husband not the angry, nasty one. I want I want......how selfish am I? I should just suck it up. I know what the response will be. I've read the books. You have to take care of yourself, speak to someone, be patient, be understanding, know it's not you. I know he hurts, I know he doesn't choose to be like this, I know there is a good person in there but I'm so over it all. If I leave I have to live with the guilt. If I stay I have to deal with the grief and I can't even leave, it's my house, I'd have to throw him out. How can I do that to him and his kids. I see no joy in the future. I'm not depressed, I'm just realistic. Mental illness is the pits. We're just keeping the various health professionals BMW's on the road. There is no support, no light at the end of the tunnel that's not a train. There is no future that is not filled with grief. Most people with bi polar can live healthy and productive lives........yes at the expense of their families.
