I think my marriage is over, but I don't want to admit it.

[BBUser87]

I have been in a relationship with M for 18 years and married to him for most of that. I discovered quickly that he had mental health issues, but it wasn't until a few years into our relationship that with the help of his mother we encouraged him to see a GP who simply prescribed him anti-depressant without any real discussion or diagnosis. However, I made the decision early on that I loved this man, and his depression was part of that. 

Through out the years we've had normal ups and downs, but one issues that has been around for a while was his concern with my weight. He maintained that he loved me regardless of my size, but felt that I would be better off if I was healthier. I have a box of love letters from him, one every year on Valentines Day. 

We had kids late - our eldest is 5.5yrs. M hasn't been the same since. His periods of down have become more regular. His family have tried to talk to him about this prolonged darkness. He refuses to seek any sort of therapy or medical diagnosis, but remains on anti-depressant. Earlier this year after an extended dark time he told me that he doesn't love me any more. That I was too fat and he deserved someone attractive that he could accept. He said that my weight was a bad role model for our children. But he also said that if I was to leave I was being selfish, and that having both parents together is the most important thing for our children. 

In the 10 months or so since he has told me that he doesn't even like me any more. He regularly throws nasty comments my way. He barely talks to me, and only if it involves the kids. He still works a F-T job, he participates in household chores like cooking and cleaning. But he has no friends (never really did), no hobbies, occasionally he laughs as he interacts with the kids but mostly it's hit and miss as to what his mood is. He is never happy.  

I can see that he is trying to maintain normalcy for the kids. We've slept in separate rooms for months. The kids think that's so my 3yr old can sleep with me, but sooner or later that won't fly any more. Should I leave? Is the problem really my weight? Is this just a phase? What is this doing to the kids, now and in the long term? Egg shells, cold shoulders, loneliness, tears, they are all a part of my day-to-day. 

I have committed to this man for 18 years. I think that this awful disease has taken away the man that I love and left me with a mean spirited stranger. Any words of wisdom, support or advice would be greatly appreciated. 

[Guest_1055]

Hello RJS

I long to be able to give you some sound and helpful advice, but I can't. All I can do, is say I'm so sorry. It must be real hard and maybe lonely for you as well.

I can support you by giving you are big hug in hope you will not feel alone and also know that I care about you, and your little family.

With love

Shelley xx

[Bluey_moon]

Hi RJS, 

I wish I could give you great advice, but I don't know what to say? 

18 years is a long time! But his constant bringing you down must take a toll! 

I look at it from the other side. I suffer anxiety but my husband is having a dreadful time handling it, and to be honest I can't blame him! If he walked away tomorrow I would understand! 

I do think though, you shouldn't have to suffer like you are. Could you see someone for some advice on what to do? 

You deserve happiness, but I understand the catch 22, you love him... 

[geoff]

dear RJS, depression is so cruel and so brutal, there's no end to what it can do to anyone struggling with it, and to those who have someone they love, who has now changed their personality and wonder what they can do to help them is not easy, because it feels as though you are married to a stranger.

Communication may end, plus involvement together could also end, because there never seems to any common ground, and basically there isn't, attitudes change and once what you both agreed on, doesn't happen any more.

There is a possibility that M could be suffering from PND, although I'm not qualified to make this diagnosis, and this is where his doctor should have done so, but was either unsure or not experienced enough to do so, because the ethics of a doctor is to tell their patient what is wrong before they prescribe antidepressants (AD).

It's good that he wants to keep the two of you together for the children's sake, however there is the problem of sleeping apart which eventually they will want to know why, where white lies will work for a short time, but as the children grow older their minds will expand and then make assumptions.

What I would like you to do is to google 'order all the printed information on depression on Beyond Blue', it used to be under a tab at the top of the page but I can't see where is now, anyway the booklet is free but it has so much information on depression, and I would hope that he will sit down and read it, not all at once.

I hope that this will make him decide that he needs therapy, which again his doctor should have also advised him to do.

I haven't addressed the other issue here, but will do so when you reply. Geoff. x

Someone may be able to inform where you can find this on the site.

[Chicken_Wings]

Hi RJS,

It can be really hard when you've made a commitment and tried so hard and it doesn't seem to help.

my parents stayed together for me when I was little. Dad never did anything with us, didn't really have friends, he didn't really know who I was on a personal level. But my parents persevered. When they eventually decided to seperate, I wasn't shocked, I wasn't upset, I'd been waiting for it for years. 

I got married to a man whom I thought would be with me forever, only to discover that he was "ready to love someone else". I'd had doubts about our relationship for a while but kept putting them to the side hoping for things to just get better on their own. The break up and separation were incredibly hard, but I knew I'd been avoiding the truth for some time. once I started to feel better I started exercising, lost weight, started seeing friends more etc.

lots of people say kids need 2 parents together, but I think kids also deserve happy, healthy parents as well. Kids aren't silly, they observe how people behave around each other, like I said, I was expecting my parents divorce for years before it happened.

my suggestion is to first do what feels right for you, what makes you feel good. If you want to work on your weight for you, then do it. If you want to do things with the kids, even without your husband, do it. Your kids will appreciate your happiness.

depression is difficult when you're stuck in it and your husband does sound stuck. Some sort of therapy or even a review of his medication would be helpful if only he would look into it. Do you think he would be receptive to going to see someone together, not solely focusing on his mood?

its not fun for him either to be in a dark place and living the way you do. Something needs to change, it's up to the 2 of you what that change is. yiu love him and you want the old him back. If you're prepared to work at it then have a conversation with him and make a plan so you can both be happy.

[Lissy76]

Hi RJS

i am sorry to hear of your situation but I just wanted to tell you that you are not alone.

my husband of 7 years has been suffering from depression on and off for over 20 years. I was unaware of his struggles with this as he never showed any signs of depression with me up until Aprox 4 years ago.

over the past 3 years it has slowly become worse. He refuses to talk to me and seek help. He won't listen to his family either. i have tried everything to help him and nothing is working. I am feeling so alone every day and when I look at my husband I don't see the same man I married. My greatest fears are that if I leave him, how will he cope? He has really dark moments and I worry about what this would do to him. I love him with all my heart but his depression and the constant putting me down, anger and his short fuse all the time has taken a massive toll. I feel as though IAy even be suffering from depression as all I do is cry as I am so unhappy in my current situation. My main fears are how will my daughter cope with a split? What will this do to her? I know it cannot be good for her to see her mother and father always bickering. I am not one to give up when things get tough and one of my biggest values in life is that marriage is forever.

i have tried so hard over these past 4 years to try and help him and save our marriage but I feel it is now too late to save it. 

Feeling like a total failure as a wife and that depression has taken my beautiful husband away from me and replaced him with a demon that has taken over his thoughts and his mind. Sounds crazy, but it is how I feel.

I'm not sure I have helped you in any way so for that I am sorry! I just wanted you to know there are others out there going through the same thing. No one can tell you what you should do, you just have to make a choice and believe it will be the right one for you. At least that's what I am telling myself.

be strong and youll get through this.

Lissy76

[doyoulikemyhat_]

Hi, this is an older post but I wanted to see how you were going?

Its so hard to tell isn't it whether what he is saying is his depression talking or really what he is thinking.

I hope you're doing ok, (I'm in a similar situation myself and feel like I'm closer to making decisions).

Take care

[Singstress]

Hi RJS - I hope this finds you in a better situation. Speaking from experience, sometimes making the decision to leave is the best thing for you and your family. This will either spark your husband to seek help (as it did with mine) or it will allow you to move on, putting your childs best interests at heart.

As other people have noted, staying together for the sake of a child/children is, in fact, not the best thing for them. Children are smart and studies have found that this type of parental relationship is actually detrimental to children.

It may also be that, sadly, your husband is actually not clinically depressed at all. It could be that the the life he is living is one that he no longer wants, but doesn't have the strength to make the leap.

You need to look out for you and your children, and his current behaviour is not allowing you to do this. I hope you find the strength to put you and your loved ones first and that this reminds him of the wonder thigns he has and seeks help.

Should you wish to talk, please feel free to contact me.

xxoo