Advice needed - Please ....

[Neil_1]

Dear friends  

I don’t know how to write this – I’ve been thinking on how to do this in the best way – you know, without giving away too much information – um, that’s not making sense.  I’ll try this.

Last year we (my partner and I) knew that our son had self harmed.  Not good as you know, self-harming can lead to life-time memories/scars.  I’ve run this by Beyond Blue and I’m not allowed to mention the where’s and how’s for what he did – but just to say that it’s highly concerning for us.  The school called us and we were able to speak with him – after some time, we found out that he was doing this because he had friends who were in really bad places and were considering the ‘s’ word.  That really shook him up, as he is a deeply caring boy.  

Fast forward to last Tuesday – we were called to his school (a new school by the way) – he was found by some other boys self-harming again.  The same kind of self harm that he was doing last year, only last week, it was a lot more. We met up with the head teacher and also our son (he’s 16yo by the way) – he had bandages where he had self harmed.  

We were both in shock about this – and had no idea that he was doing this – and apparently he’s been doing it for some time (like months and months) and he’s just been very good at hiding it.  The clever little bugga!   Only he's not so little anymore - he's about my height now.

So this was the post I was going to send last week, when Maresy was saying she thought there was something up with me, and I told her back that she has amazing intuition.   But I decided not too, until now – and I do this now, because he’s done it again today! 

He's bandaged again and I’m just gutted!   We’re beside ourselves with worry – he is unable, or won’t tell us why he’s doing this.  There is no anger at all, there is nothing but love and support in this family – he’s told us it’s not what prompted it last year for him.  He has said there’s nothing wrong at his school and that that’s all fine.  

He has said that it’s nothing to do with his home/family life.  (Wow, it sounds like he talks a lot, but that’s not the case – we just gently ask questions and he’ll just say, ‘no it’s not that’.)  

We’re now trying to go through different things for what it might be – because there is something there for him that’s really terrible (he’s suggested as such) but he cannot tell us.  I’ve told him similar stories that I’ve responded to on this site, and where if the person keeps things to themselves, the situation will only get worse.  

He’s been to see a counselor and also a GP - but again, that is something that is in strictest confidence and that nothing said there can be known by us.  

This is ripping us up inside and at the moment, I’m injured in legs and in arms, so cannot go to the gym for my workout sessions – so with everything else that is affecting me mentally, this new thing has just swept over everything else and is like a ‘news alert’ a siren with flashing lights attached and is dominating my mind terribly.  

I know we cannot force him to tell us – and my partner has tried to be with him to see if he’d open up, but all to no avail.  I have tried on a couple of occasions – in fact, only just half an hour ago and I was met with – “I just don’t want to talk about it”. 

I have my own psychologist appointment this Thursday – hey can you guess what might be on the Agenda for that session?

I don’t know what to do.  I really feel helpless.    Any thoughts/suggestions would be so welcome. 

Neil

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Neil, 

Just wondering how you were today. You are in my thoughts. 

GA

[Neil_1]

Hey GA

Thank you for that.

Am going along "ok".  I've had a shocking last couple of days really.  No outside influences (ie:  all fine on the home front with my son), it's just me, my inner mood and injuries.

You know, we've got this holiday coming up and each holiday I've ever had over the last, oh I don't know - 15-20 years, that flamin' mongrel dog comes along as well.

He's been with me on the last two cruises we've done.  I tried chucking him overboard on both occasions, but had no luck.  And the thing is he has already he's got his kennel packed and ready for the flight this time.

But enough of the fantasy talk - I just cannot pin-point why I'm in such an awful place.  Feel like a wanna bang my head on the desk real hard, feel like - other things as well, not the 'bad s word', but just feel low, miserable, crap.

I'm so far out of my normal routine;  which is gyming it 5-6 days a week and now not doing any thing like that.

Oh well, one bright bit of news - I weighed this morning - I weigh once a week (first thing on a Saturday morning - call me anal retentive) and I've now lost 4kgs in the last two weeks.  Loss of weight for June, not bad - as I'm chalking up DOG days (days off grog).

I don't know.  Don't know what to do - I tell other people all this stuff each and every day and yet, I'm in a world of constant mind torment.  I'm really sick of it.  Not of Beyond Blue - of me.

Neil

[Blue_]

I'll tell you something Neil, this might make you feel better, the metal community is a wonderful family that are a lot more open about mental illness and write a lot of inspirational songs and do a lot of campaigns about depression and suicide. I feel like because of this he doesn't feel like he has to hide it like others and because he's wearing it on the outside it'll release a little easier than holding it in. Playing and creating music is so healing. And he could just be an introvert, don't stress Neil. Being a teenager is a hard time and he'll get through it. 

[Stuck14]

Hey Neil,

I'm so sorry to hear that you are struggling at the moment. Try not to be hard on yourself, your an amazing person, father an friend. I can kinda understand where your coming from in relation to your gym routine, an how it was not only enjoyment but also an outlet for the negative build up inside.

I really hope that this is a minor "hiccup" in the road for you.

Just wanted you to know that although I may not post to you much, I do follow your threads an you are in my thoughts daily.

Sending you warm, supportive and comforting hugs.

[Mares73]

Hey my friend I haven't seen your other post but will look for it. Feeling crap? Yeah me too I just posted. Sometimes it feels like being weighed down by a ton of bricks. I'm so so tired of the struggle. In my thoughts Neil, Lve Maresy xxx

[Jo3]

Hey Neil

I am sending you a big hug.  I understand what it's like to feel crap and down.

Try and be easy with yourself, is it a nice day where you are? maybe a walk?? I know that always helps me when I feel crap.

Thinking of you, 

Jo xx

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Neil, 

Yesterday was hectic and involved alot of blocming out the kids as much as possible, so sorry for not getting back to you sooner. 

While inhaven't been on many holidays myself, I know that feeling of sometimes just not winning the brain chemical lottery. You wake up and sometimes you just feel down, you feel crap. And there are most of the time no outside influences. Even if there are outside influences, they are the kind that it only clicks into place a week or so later, an Ah Ha moment of 'that's why I felt that way' that our mind doesn't want to tell us right away. 

Most of the time though, there is no reason. There is just that old black dog chasing our tails. With regards to the holiday, the only advice I can give is keep going anyway. If that black dog is going to invite himself along, let him be prepared to bask in the alaskan sun,  let him  fight for a place on the back of the boat. Because you aren't slowing down for him. 

If he wants to come along, make him work for it. 

I will write more later, time to dye the 14 y o hair. 

GA

[Neil_1]

Dear GA

Is that a new photo of Elsa?   Oh wow, what a cutie?

I saw my doc on Friday and have another appointment with her on Tuesday.  That's more so to organise my tablets for overseas - and a letter to hand in to officials if they ask why I'm taking so many with me.

But things are awful.  I just don't know.   Because it's so soon to the overseas holiday, there's no appointments for my psych (either of them) till after we get back.  But really , what is that?   Just another stack of money, another hour of talking over my problems and to leave, a bit lighter in the wallet - I do get some back on medicare, but that's irrelevant kind of - cause the end cause, the end problem is still in my head and won't go away.

I feel sick at the moment.

I'm helping out at home as much as I can, but this weekend has been particularly bad - and I just cannot put a finger on it as to why?

I've taken my morning meds as per normal - but am even feeling like I haven't taken them.  I have dreams that occupy my mind almost all night, when I'm sleeping and so when I wake up, I'm feeling exhausted.

I don't know what to do - I'm no longer the person I was when I was in my 20's when I was playing cricket and was very good at that.  I felt I had such a purpose;  I was able to do something that I kind of dominated in and you know, it felt good.

In my manuscript, I've written a piece about how athletes, sportsman who once their careers are over, can be subjected to depression.  I was in no way, in any elite class, but in my grade that I played, I was, you know, the 'go to' kind of player - be it with bat or ball and they were heady times.   But now I've just got them as memories and with all the things that went with those times as well.

I dream about them and I wake up sad.  Yes, I should be happy to have had such positive times, but I'm not.  I ache and grieve that I can't get that again.

I ache and grieve for my dad;  for my brother.

And I ache, just cause my body is broken.

Boy oh boy, what a downer!

Neil

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Neil, 

Yes it is a new picture of Elsa. If you looked through my tablet, you would find many more. My crazy cat lady is showing. As we speak I can hear Elsa playing with a little mouse, both the bell on her collar and the bell in the mouse jingling.  Mayflower is bieng an old fuddy duddy and having her morning nap behind me, on thepillow she hasclaimed as hers.

You know normally I'd suggest a change in meds, or a sooner session with your psych, but as you so rightly point out, neither of those are options. I will say though, for all that you spend money and go to an hojr session, those sessions are vital in keeping your mental health in check. Yes the problem is in your head, but by going to those sessions you are working on fixing it. Or at least making it less awful.

Not the uplifting advice and levity you provide perhaps, but the honest truth. 

I can't really advise on the loss of your family. I have not experienced it myself, so I can't even imagine the pain you have gone through and continue to go through. I don't know what else I can say on the subject, other than keep remembering the good times. In that way, you keep them alive, in you. 

As for the holiday, I really hope you find the break worth it. I understand internet access may not always be possible, and so we may not see you on here. We will organise it in shifts to fill your very big shoes. But I worry for you, Neil, because as much as you help us, we also help you. So how about keeping a sort of travel diary, addressing it to us, either individually or as a group. Explain in it what you got up to, if the dog is chasing you that day or what you are wondering about us. 

Just a thought.

Thinking of you

GA

[Neil_1]

Dear GA

Thank you for your latest post.  It means a lot to me.  It really does.

Hey, that's the 2nd time someone has mentioned about filling my shoes - I think the other was Geoff - but really, I don't have that big a foot - perhaps a size 9.  And yeah, not much bigger than that.  🙂

Not sure if you remember, but I keep a daily diary of my life - have done so ever since my partner and I got together way back when - actually just over 20 years now - wowee, 20 diaries of 'stuff'.

So yes, the diary comes with me and each evening, it gets written in - and for some reason, when I'm struggling as I am now, I tend to write less and less in it.  Don't know why.

So yes, when we go on holidays it's always good to re-read a year or two later of past holidays;  and we do up our photos into a book - via an interweb application called Blurb.  Where you produce a book with all your photos, etc in it - send it away to the 'States to be produced and voila, a couple of weeks later, all your holiday snaps are in the form of a lovely hard covered book.

Look at me, dwelling in my own stew and haven't even asked after you.

Neil