4 years of living with her now I had to move out...

Doc_ · ‎03-10-2014

Hi All, This is the first time that I have been in touch with any form of online support group, so please bear with me 🙂 I'm a 34 y/o fellow in Vic who has been living with my partner for just shy of 4 years now, but things recently changed. Let's start at the beginning, my partner is 36, she suffersfrom depression, rheumatoid arthritis since 24, mostly managed but flare-ups occur on occasion, narcolepsy (managed). As usual things were great until the new relationship bliss wore off. Before meeting me she had once tried to take her life, she was hospitalised and has not tried it again, saying that, she constantly tells me of how she feels “ I'm not for this world...” and “I hate everything and everyone in the world...” to comments about hurting others that annoy her at times reminding me that the only reason that it hasn't happened again is that she didn't want to put her parents through all of it again, sometimes with a cry of “ I wish my parents would just die so that I can join them." I have also been spending the past four years trying to complete my PhD, a very time consuming task but to her I am just at Uni mucking around... so there's not really much support or understanding there. Now that I'm at the pointy end of the thesis I've had to move out, I couldn't stand the constant depressing conversation, reminders of how the rest of her life is going to be just full of pain and disappointment, that there's nothing to live for. She does have a psych, whom she doesn't see, I can't demand that she sees her psych, as time has proven it will only result in refusal, I understand she needs to come to that conclusion herself. Every single day I wonder "Will she make it home tonight or will she fall asleep at the wheel or get so furious with sunday drivers on the road that she tries to 'teach them a lesson' and end up hurting herself in the process? She has a loving family, parents still married, siblings she gets along with so no clues from childhood.
The past year has been very stressful both at home at work, our relationship has been in a constant state of not knowing where I stand and where our relationship is going. I do love her, it's just slowly killing me.
Sometimes I wonder if I am just being a massive wimp and to just suck it up, but from lengthy conversations with family mostly result in the conclusion : EJECT! What are you doing in such a toxic relationship?

I just don' t know what to do any more...

beyondblue’s clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

Doc_ · ‎07-10-2014

cont'd from above...

We’re now at such a stressful point that I have difficulty concentrating, we can’t talk on the phone as it always ends up in WW3 and that makes me more anxious as her narcolepsy makes her sleep at the wheel. I've been living out of the house for a month now, I have visited her most weekends and a few occasions during the week, she is yet to visit me. The excuse being that she doesn't want me to blame her for not finishing my work. Just say it, she can’t be bothered as I mean nothing to her except as a possible husband who will resent every aspect of her should I be forced into that position. One thing I am having trouble understanding is that she keeps telling me that she wants to get married to me, do the family thing, yet she seems blind to how miserable I am with the current situation. How can she possibly think that is the only answer to her problems? That years of loyalty mean nothing without a the archaic religious procedure? How is this piece of paper going to make her instantly better? She was brought up in, let’s call it, a “cult”, whereas I was brought up in a Christian family and school and am now an atheist, until science (not “Christian science”) can prove otherwise. All discussions on religion, without fail, end up in epic fights no matter how right or wrong, where her indoctrinated beliefs are law and to say otherwise is heresy, an obscurely stoic attitude for someone who was excommunicated years ago. Enough digression, I am trying to keep things together, only time can tell how things will turn out. Think happy, act happy, be happy; it’s a mindset just like negativity, at first it’s hard to push out the negativity from your mind, but family and friends help. I have found family to be the best shoulder to lean on, a lot of my friends have been in and out of rehab and their world doesn't extend past their front doors.

Kia kaha.

Doc_ · ‎08-10-2014

Having reread my previous posts I must apologise for using this forum to voice my grievances and vent, this should not be about me, it's about coping with a difficult situation and searching for a path through the thick fog of mental illness.

Mea cupla, take care friends.

white knight · ‎08-10-2014

Hi Doc,

Sorry mate, it is about you and anyone else that benefits from this thread- all threads. It's what we do and some regular posters like me benefit also everytime we read a thread, we learn from them, expand our knowledge to spread it.

I've been reading along since you started the thread. Re-read each post. It takes me back to the 1970's when I hooked up with a woman 7 years my senior. She had a child to her ex and I seemed a generation younger than her. She had psychiatric condition and in the six years we were together we separated (I kid you not) about 1000 times. Seemed every second day she'd up and leave back to mums place. She was unstable for sure and she'd had several mental breakdowns following her adopting her baby when she was 15yo.

Did I love her or felt pity for her? I sure did love her- a lot and was 'in love' with her. But eventually the honeymoon period wore off a little and my head began to think more about the logic or rather the illogical life we were leading. Frankly, it was never going to work. My pity lasted 6 years, the prime of my life.

A friend at the time knew what was happening. He finally gave my this advice. "Tony, did you ever realise that among all the women in the world that are around your age group, single and looking to pair up with a guy, that one in 20 would be compatible to the point whereby you would fall in love with them".?

I dont think he got his figures from anywhere- just made them up but it got me thinking. Are there women out there that I could love as much or more than her? Was I obsessed with her? The answer was yes to both questions. And of these eligible women how many would present me with a much better lifestyle without the anxiety and hurt I got through.

So I left. And what happened? Well 12 months later I bumped into her at a shopping centre. We talked, had a coffee. She had hitched up with another guy some 8 months earlier. I questioned her at length. Yep....she was leaving him every few days to stay with her mother. And that poor guy was just as unhappy as I had been. She did not have the ability to maintain a stable relationship.

Dont get me wrong Doc, I feel sorry for these people that have issues and battle through life with mental illness issues...somewhat worse in terms of stability than what I have endured but where does the time arrive when you begin to place your own future, stability, care as a priority?

Doc's future is in Doc's hands.

Take care mate

geoff · ‎09-10-2014

dear Doc, it's a difficult decision for you to make, but I'm not quite sure how you can concentrate on finishing your PhD.

A piece of paper that says you are legally married certainly won't change the situation, it's only a fallacy by her and to have any children with her now would be a terrible mishap.

There is definitely no need to apologise for saying what you have, because this is a site which caters for everything.

May I say that she really needs medical help and until this begins nothing will change with her, because it's going to be a long road for her recovery.

I don't like saying that, however it's your post, so we endeavour to give help you.

I can only say that she is holding you back, because once you have finished your studies then your opportunities will expand to great levels. Geoff.

Doc_ · ‎22-10-2014

Just wanted to say thanks for taking the time to read my rants. 🙂

Things have become steadily worse between myself and my partner, who has now decided that I must make up my mind before finishing my studies. Great idea yeah? Just forcibly push someone into a corner and hope that the outcome is what they want? All it is doing is making me withdraw from us; conversations on the phone almost always end up in an epic argument over something pointless (usually due to miscommunication and quicker-than-lightning temper), with me hanging up whenever she is abusive (worse than a sailor at times, no offence to the nautical folks, yes, she does use that language and I have told her repeatedly that calling me that is never ok) or with her resigning to deep depressive apathy, something I can't stand and she knows it. So yeah, I'm left confused as to where I stand in all of this, however without her showing any inkling of love, affection, wanting to see me, or motivation to seek help to remedy her issues all I can see is us falling apart, or more to the point, being pushed apart by insecurities. It can be very hard to push to the back of your mind, but it has to be done, at least for the next few weeks.

Keep smiling everyone and karma will take care of us all.

white knight · ‎22-10-2014

Hi Doc,

Best tip post separation.....keep busy, real busy. As soon as you think of her or get a text. Ignore the text and keep busy again.

Take care

geoff · ‎23-10-2014

dear Doc, I have to agree with WK Tony, your life is being pulled down by her, and I can say this because you are the one who has posted the comment, cut the cord. Geoff.