4 years of living with her now I had to move out...

Doc_ · ‎03-10-2014

Hi All, This is the first time that I have been in touch with any form of online support group, so please bear with me 🙂 I'm a 34 y/o fellow in Vic who has been living with my partner for just shy of 4 years now, but things recently changed. Let's start at the beginning, my partner is 36, she suffersfrom depression, rheumatoid arthritis since 24, mostly managed but flare-ups occur on occasion, narcolepsy (managed). As usual things were great until the new relationship bliss wore off. Before meeting me she had once tried to take her life, she was hospitalised and has not tried it again, saying that, she constantly tells me of how she feels “ I'm not for this world...” and “I hate everything and everyone in the world...” to comments about hurting others that annoy her at times reminding me that the only reason that it hasn't happened again is that she didn't want to put her parents through all of it again, sometimes with a cry of “ I wish my parents would just die so that I can join them." I have also been spending the past four years trying to complete my PhD, a very time consuming task but to her I am just at Uni mucking around... so there's not really much support or understanding there. Now that I'm at the pointy end of the thesis I've had to move out, I couldn't stand the constant depressing conversation, reminders of how the rest of her life is going to be just full of pain and disappointment, that there's nothing to live for. She does have a psych, whom she doesn't see, I can't demand that she sees her psych, as time has proven it will only result in refusal, I understand she needs to come to that conclusion herself. Every single day I wonder "Will she make it home tonight or will she fall asleep at the wheel or get so furious with sunday drivers on the road that she tries to 'teach them a lesson' and end up hurting herself in the process? She has a loving family, parents still married, siblings she gets along with so no clues from childhood.
The past year has been very stressful both at home at work, our relationship has been in a constant state of not knowing where I stand and where our relationship is going. I do love her, it's just slowly killing me.
Sometimes I wonder if I am just being a massive wimp and to just suck it up, but from lengthy conversations with family mostly result in the conclusion : EJECT! What are you doing in such a toxic relationship?

I just don' t know what to do any more...

beyondblue’s clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

white knight · ‎03-10-2014

Hi Doc, Welcome to Beyond Blue forums,

There are a lot of variables in your relationship. People are living in toxic relationships without mental illness also- just in case you might think it i exclusively her mental health that is the reason.. Your ex partner isnt taking her medication which is likely a big issue.

It's painful loving someone that you must leave. It makes you torn and confused. Often couples go back and forth for many years because their heart rules then their head rules and the cycle continues. No one even family can tell you what to ultimately do, but calling it a toxic relationship might be accurate.

Your ex partner knows she isnt well with a condition that lasts lifelong and usually demands life long medication and other things like psych appointments, therapy and regular GP visits. To just let it all go is irresponsible and has placed a heavy burden on you and therefore the relationship.

If you do reconsider then she must attend to these matters or that cycle I mentioned will begin. Remember Doc, you are not responsible for her mental health. She is not responsible for her condition. But she is responsible for the ingoing treatment her condition demands.

Doc_ · ‎03-10-2014

Thanks for the reply White Knight,

I’ve just come off the phone to her and she’s had a terrible day at work, and she as usual took it out on me and the other drivers on the way home. Recently she had told me she was ill and had been having cold sweats, mood swings and general irritability, then she mentioned having “electric brain shocks” (not ECT) and I put 2+2 together and realised it must have been about 3-4 days since she had her last meds and she was experiencing symptoms of withdrawal. We are still together, I've just moved out to a different house, more like a sabbatical than anything else, I just can’t afford to waste the past 9 years of University study to stay in the same house, where she would chastise me for working on my computer instead of cleaning the house, an unending task with an unachievable goal. Part of the reason I had moved out was that I needed to focus on my work without distraction as I only have weeks left before submitting my thesis. The other was so that we could “date” each other (her initial suggestion), as we moved in together within weeks of meeting. Great idea, however, most conversations end up with her earbashing me with the argument that I've left her and that she’s basically single now and should live life like that but without the benefits of being single. All I have ever wanted is for her to be happy, I've done everything I can to try to understand her and the issues she faces, I have tried conversation and listening to her problems, I've seen councillors, gone to the psych with her, been to seminars on depression and used my university resources to scour academic tomes of knowledge in the hope that I can help her in some way to make life easier. I don't understand why we end up in this constant struggle, doesn't she realise I just want the best for her? That her insecurities are driving a wedge between us that can only be removed if she could just see the truth and not assume the worst out of everyone?

Recently she broke up with me over the phone in anger because someone cut her off on the highway, then one hour later it was as though it had never happened, but it left me in turmoil.

I fear that all my efforts have been in vain, as you can only help people who are willing to help themselves. (I hate sounding clinical but I must to keep my own sanity)

I once heard a five year old say in hospital, "when you find love it becomes pain..."

maybe it's just not the right kind of love...

geoff · ‎04-10-2014

dear Doc, it's OK very your first online contact, because here we don't criticise people but just offer advice, suggestions and support, and you have posted this comment so we have to look at your situation.

At the moment you have been walking up a hill so steep and carry such a heavy load that it seems impossible to climb, and by saying this it's exactly what is happening, because you can barely lift this load.

When someone refuses professional help that she so needs, and has in place to try and help her, but refuses to go, then the 'ball is not in your court', meaning that it's not your call any more, you have tried all your best, but enough is enough.

You can't possibly live with her, because she is denying any help that is on offer, so in other words you have to drop the load and get on with your own life.

You can't help her, she doesn't want to help herself, so finish your PhD, just a word of warning you may have to change phone numbers or get an answering machine.

Let us know what you do. Geoff.

HA1 · ‎04-10-2014

Hi Doc

I had to think long about your situation before responding. You are in a very difficult and unenviable position the outcome of which is ruled entirely by yourself, and your own health. However, let me take a stance contrary to that of WK and Geoff; but not because I necessarily disagree with them.

In an ideal world, no-one should need to turn their backs on a partner, or friend that needs help. If you have the strength to see this through, and it will be long painful road to recovery, then you must ask yourself, what is the right thing to do - can I accept there is nothing I can do and then walk away - will I be able to stay away?

If you have the strength to stay and provide comfort to your partner, then you must also put in place a safety net for yourself. It will get tiring and you will feel desperate from time to time. Recognise the risks to your own mental health. Take precautions. Set in place an arrangement where care and support is shared by her family whenever you need your own space. And you will need it frequently.

If you decide to stay, talk to a professional and seek guidance on what to do to ensure that she does seek help - a strategy may need to be developed where little by little she gains the trust of health professionals.

I could go on for much longer but will stop here. Whatever your decision, it will be the right one.

Take care

K

Guest_9466 · ‎04-10-2014

Hi Doc,

I too, suffered from depression and anxiety for more years than I care to remember. Although, I had engaged in numerous counselling sessions, I had refused to take anti depressant. The counselling helps but I also needed anti depressant. My poor family stood by me and I must had given them hell. Finally, one day, I knew that I must take the despised anti depressant or lost the love and respect of my beloved daughter and my loving hubby. I supposed, hubby stuck with me whilst I was going through the manic phase of depression because of our daughter.

So, my advice to you, is to break off this toxic relationship and start life afresh. You appeared to have done all you could and the rest is up to her. She needs to accept responsibility for her treatment and cannot go on blaming everything and everyone. Mind you, I am forever grateful that my family had not given up on me.

Good luck and I echoes K, "whatever your decision, it will be the right one".

Goldfishbowl · ‎05-10-2014

I read this post last night and it's a tricky situation. You feel responsible for her, don't you? That's why you are still together isn't it? I've been in a situation similar before.

hope you're doing well everyone

Doc_ · ‎06-10-2014

@Goldfishbowl, MorningGlory,

Thanks for the comment, yeah, I do feel like I am responsible for her, no matter how many people say that it's not my responsibility. I feel terrible for doing what I had to do. My partner has been telling me for at least three years that at the end of my studies I would leave her and find "someone better", to which I had always responded that that was not the case and that the thought had never crossed my mind, no matter how I try to reassure her she had somehow convinced herself it was going to happen. However if someone tells you something ad nauseum it will eventually start to leave a mark.

We seem to be having this nasty catch-22, where she will, almost to the point of begging, ask me to marry her and have kids; Children are not an option for me at the present time, I'm just not at that point in my life yet, I just want to get my studies finished then think about the future, there's only 8 weeks left! She accuses me of never thinking about "our" future, yet reminds me on a daily basis of how angry she is at life and others, _never_ with a caveat excluding me, and how the future is so bleak and her only wish is one that is borne out of deep, deep depression... (one that she describes in vivid detail)

How can she not see that I have managed through all the hell over the past 4 years and I am still by her side? Does loyalty mean so little to people these days that it means nothing without a marriage certificate?

So how am I supposed to have a happy outlook on our future? How great things will be with her once we are married? How can I possibly think that raising a child would be a good idea with her suicidal thoughts? I don't have the time to be a single Dad, as much as I want to have kids? (and I really do) The constant verbal reminders of how inadequate she thinks I am, of how I have "stolen her only chance of having children" when at the beginning of the relationship she was steadfastly against the idea!?!

All I can think is how can marriage ever possibly fix something that she herself is not willing to fix? If it wasn't for the way she makes me feel I probably would have asked for her hand a long time ago. Now she just threatens me with

suicide should I break up with her, either that or the promise of fire and brimstone and the threat of violence against any future partners. Yep, and she is still hoping that I ask to marry her...

I just don't understand the logic anymore, can't she see what her words do to me?

beyondblue’s clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

Goldfishbowl · ‎07-10-2014

I completely understand where you're coming from. I ended my relationship about 5 months ago because of the negativity that I was continually hearing. I just couldn't do it anymore. Then she threatened suicide and I went back. There's a part where you give up and when that's said, you can't do much but go back, can you? I got accused of there being someone else and cheating ( there wasn't even the thought of someone else). I just couldn't deal with the negativity anymore and I still went back... And now here I am. I feel as though I am the burden in her life. I would bet my life that if I left, she'd realize the person that I am. It's been a vicious cycle like that over time. I don't think I'm asking too much by wanting my partner to care about me, not just when I've given up and left.

To think of a happy future becomes hard. How can you spend your life doing this? We go from talking about getting pregnant to me trying to talk to her about my feelings with everything and her just shutting off completely and not wanting to hear it. Once I speak about me and my feelings, it's 'it's always about you'.... I think she's been forgetting that everything is about her lately.

I've been told on many occasion (by her) that I am the one that triggered this from a few years back. You tell someone that enough and you just begin to drag them down with you. I think we're in the same position that their words hurt. To constantly feel like and be told you're the cause of all their problems, I think in turn keeps you there. There's a certain guilt they put upon you and you feel as though you owe them for all they have put up with by your side (and there's the guilt, placed in you by them)

i feel like I'm not entitled to have feelings anymore. Because she's so wrapped up in her own issues she forgets that anyone else actually matters. I know if I was on the opposite end, I'd be so grateful that they're still there. I wouldn't ignore their emotional needs. I bet you'd be similar, ESP from being on this side.

So I guess for you... What are you to do? (Apart from focus on your studies for the next 2 months)....

Doc_ · ‎07-10-2014

@Goldfishbowl

I believe we may just be in the same boat, most of the time it's just too hard to suggest that they are being self-centred or if she could take my feelings into account, the fallout is just too damaging. I feel at times that I can't bring up many of the issues I have in the relationship as she somehow takes “dibs” on the grievances she has with me, so I can't repeat her and say that I have the same issues, it’s as though she is taking the words right out of my mouth. Similarly to what you mentioned above, I too have been blamed for her depression and anxiety, it’s as though she just can’t take responsibility for her own actions, words and behaviour. I feel as though the relationship has been one way for a while, with me feeling like I’m the only one giving a damn and her just resigning to apathy & the usual response to questions “whatever” a word that eats at your soul. When she distances herself through apathy it makes me feel as though I am being rejected, that she doesn’t care enough to put in the effort. We also talk about a happier future where we have our little farm and family; but this is just a pipe dream, a goal that without her recognising how she is making me feel will never eventuate.

I absolutely agree with your point where you said “I’ve been told on many occasion (by her) that I am the one that triggered this from a few years back. You tell someone that enough and you just begin to drag them down with you”, the first thing you learn in primary school is that repetition creates learned memory. People should be genuinely happy with their partner, unless they are fooled by the masks (both emotional and behavioural) that some of us put on. When you see the real person underneath you realise that they are not the person you thought they were. To make anyone feel as though they are worthless and that their actions and words are the reason for all of their own personal mental issues is completely unfair, I had recently said to her that I was having trouble dealing with things and that, as an untrained carer I was not equipped to deal with everything myself, that she needs to help me by helping herself through seeking professional advice to guide her through this difficult time; to which she nodded, then fobbed off my plea and had a prepared excuse not to comply.

cont'd...