wishing i was dead and just sharing about how i feel about life

[tom123hh]

i am not sure how to use this forum. i dont want to post anything into a public forum which might be wrong to post. i want to tell anyone how i am feeling and what i have been thinking about. but i realise that some or much of my life situation might be my own fault. maybe im not strong enough or motivated enough to keep myself well and handling life.

i get sad and i worry about life. many have worries about money and how to pay for everything that life might throw at us. i dont want everything to be about money and i am unsure but thinking that other struggles are happening to. as the title says i wish i was dead. have wished for this for many years. but i guess here i am just trying to talk about why and what i feel like. i guess i just feel like life can be to difficult to handle sometimes. it feels like very often or even everyday.

im sorry if not text not laid out well. was going to be all one paragraph until i tried to split things up. all this in this post might be to much stuff. 

i feel like i have so much to say but not sure if it is ok to say it all here. i have tried to talking to lifeline and beyond blue about how i have been feeling. i tried quite a bit of working, volunteering and doing some study during my 20s and 30s. there was enough problems during doing these things. having always had trouble working etc might affect how much money is available. maybe i dont trust people. maybe i feel like i cant handle people and problems. maybe i am worried that i will not be able to handle much of what life throws at us at different times.

just the last few weeks, i have been worried about anything that could and does happen in life. i have not felt ok. i have felt sad. have had problems getting along with family for a long time. and even just the last few months have had to little to no contact with family. my family would be currently only 3 people. i only have a few friends.

i am feeling guilty now for wishing my life was over. i have felt this way because my life feels like it has been to much worry and sadness etc. i am worried if i will be handle anything and everything that might happen in life. i try to avoid people quite often because obv it seems easier to avoid. i dont feel like i get on well with people and i feel like i cant handle people and problems. there might or might not often be problems. 

i wanted to use this to share thoughts and feelings. but im not sure it is going ok.

[indigo22]

Hi Tom,

You know, sometimes it's a good thing to have someone check on us when we are at our lowest, it does serve as a reminder that someone cares and wants us to remain safe. That day obviously someone cared enough about your state of mind to instigate the welfare check but that doesn't mean it will happen every time you converse on the forums or on the helpline/webchat.

Like I said Tom, you matter. It's the reason we are conversing with you and trying to help you see that you can get through this awful stage you are in at present and that life can be quite different when you come out the other side. It helps a great deal if you also believe that you matter, which I know can be hard to do in your state of mind. It's hard but not impossible, so please give it your best shot. Try seeing yourself as someone who deserves to be helped, deserves to feel safe and deserves better than you are currently experiencing in life.

Have you spoken to your doctor about trying the antidepressants again? Perhaps that may be what you need to pull you out of the darkness to some degree. You owe it to yourself to try what is available to you with the hope of living a better life.

Keep reaching out when you feel the need Tom, we will be here to support you.

indigo

[tom123hh]

thankyou to everyone for taking the time to read and respond

[therising]

Hi Tom

Sometimes I think one of the hardest things to achieve in life is a conscious shift in focus. We can be feeling the darkest of thoughts, the darkest of inner dialogues, the darkest of perceptions and beliefs when it seems like nothing or no one can shift our focus or act as a distraction. I find another incredibly difficult thing to achieve on occasion can involve a sense of balance. Kind of like 'How do I manage shifts in focus while also getting to the bottom of why life feels like hell on earth?'. Whether the shift is designed to achieve some form self development amidst depression or it simply offers relief from feeling that hell on earth, I find the shifts to be a must either way. 

Feeling an ongoing hell, with no break, becomes exhausting. It can also become soul destroying in certain ways. It can become heartbreaking on top of it all, as we can begin to really grieve for some lost sense of self (the 'happy' self we used to be, back in the day). 

Like indigo22, I've found what works for me in regard to what I like to imagine the divine is all about. Raised in the Catholic religion, I'm now more so a 'collector' of ideas and beliefs that resonate well with me. Whatever feels wrong is basically not right for me in particular. Whatever feels liberating in a number of ways becomes a part of my collection. For example, I could say I have no direct connection to the divine and I need a priest to channel what the divine wants me to know. This leaves me feeling sad and disconnected. Now, if I was to meditate on an answer to a deep and soulful problem and suddenly something comes to mind from out of the blue that feels like the revelation I've been desperate for, it serves me to imagine I don't need a middle man in order to have a direct connection to that which feels like divine inspiration. There is a beautiful and liberating feel to such an idea and experience. To me, this is a bit of heaven on earth.

While I've found there is so much to experience outside the square, sometimes what's inside the square can feel like a prison cell experience in certain ways. 

[tom123hh]

thanks again everyone. i am unsure if it is ok to keep this thread going or if i want to. i feel like i am unsure and might just feel like updating or saying something every now and then, often or not so often. i have shared about many things in my posts maybe to much info or to personal at times. perhaps my most concerning post was a week ago when i was very blunt about thoughts and feelings, even tho i probly wouldnt of tried anything bad because im to afraid to try anything bad. i have just been trying to post about my thoughts and feelings and some of whats been happening. its very nice that anyone would take the time to reply, share similar or give advice/suggestions.

life can be a lot of ups and downs. and for some it might seem like a lot of downs. some or many are just trying to get on with life. some want to get on with life and some have to. for wateva reasons. we hope that sharing helps some how. i wonder if no one likes going thru bad moments. can i assume that no one likes it. how often do people not know what to do sometimes. maybe there are people who dont mind challenges if they can use them to grow and learn.

i have tried to read thru some other threads in these forums. and its good that everyone who uses these forums can post about everything and anything that might happen in life, good and bad. sometimes life gets to be a real struggle and or problems seem so many sometimes, etc. and we are all trying to work out ways to get thru those moments. sometimes we can do things to deal with the moments, sometimes it just needs time. there are bad options for how to deal and i know we need to try to focus on positives and positive ways to deal. i always hope things help sometimes, somehow, like inhale for 4 hold for 4 exhale for 4 hold for 4 and repeat, or mindfulness and meditiaiton, and any other things like walking and many other things. even just a quick google search can possibly find many ways to try to deal with anxiety, depression, moods, thoughts, etc

advice and suggestions hopefully read can be taken or left. sometimes it is difficult to take and try advice/suggestions depending on situations. but if its there at least it might be considered. perhaps some or many people are just trying to live. perhaps trying to find things to do in life and things to be part of and purpose and relationships or friendships or social things or alone time etc. everything is all part of life i guess. sorry if i repeat things or repeat to much. another possibly long post, ive posted a few long ones now. there is post length limits i guess.

[tom123hh]

i just wanted to add life and belief systems can be complex or comforting. spiritual or religious beliefs and religious systems or organisations can be helpful or harmful just like politics. thankyou anyone who has commented about religion or spiritualty etc. could be more to say about these things but not sure what to say. some people believe in something spiritual and some dont. it can be helpful sometimes and sometimes not. i hope i make sense wateva ive been posting about thru this whole thread

[Eagle Ray]

Dear tom123hh,

I just wanted to say how clearly you reflect on things. You are very thoughtful and insightful.

I also deal with very difficult emotions at times and those have included ones about not being around anymore when it gets too much. In my case I have learned it is my body and nervous system trying to resolve past issues at a very deeply subconscious level, and sometimes this manifests as those very difficult emotions. But as I've sort of allowed the difficult emotions to kind of exist and move through, little by little my nervous system is learning that it does want to be here, love life etc.

Just in the past two days I went through some really difficult and overwhelming emotions and distress, but somehow allowing the internal processes/feelings to be there and let myself cry or just feel kindness and compassion towards those emotions, has helped them to release. My sense is that our mind and body are always actually trying to help us, even when they present us with difficult things. So I now try to work with whatever is happening rather than have a reaction against it. Sometimes it also helps to have someone to talk to who really understands how to support us at these times, such as a good therapist or friend, and then gradually we learn how to be the same support for ourselves.

Sometimes I have found the emotion that needs to move through is fear and uncertainty, sometimes sadness and grief, sometimes anger or feelings of assertion. When I let the thing pass through in a safe way, holding kindness towards that emotion, the emotion itself is no longer so debilitating. For example, I let this happen over the past two days when I had a lot of distress and the result is I feel lighter, safer and happier today. I had to let stuff go. There is a song I like at the moment by Peter Gabriel called Been Undone and my favourite lyrics in it are: "Time to let go, Just listen and feel". You may or may not be into the song, but maybe the notion of just letting go and listening in to what you are feeling and then feeling love and kindness towards those feelings may help.

I can tell you are a reflective, thoughtful and kind soul and the world needs people with your sensitivity and insights. So I hope you can know that you are worthy person of value.

Kind regards,

Eagle Ray

[indigo22]

Hi Tom,

It's good that you have been reading through some other threads as well, it gives us sense of comfort in a way, to know that we are not alone in our experiences.

I hope you will continue to post in this thread as often as you wish, there is no limit on how long the thread becomes (some have been going for years), there is only a limit on how long the post is, but you are not exceeding the limit unless you see a message on the screen that tells you that you have exceeded the limit.

You have made sense through this thread, my observation is that you are someone who is confused by life, that you haven't yet found what feels right for you. By talking it through, sometimes the answers eventually become more clear to us.

I hope you enjoy your walk today, take in the sights and sounds as you walk to remind yourself there is some beauty to be found in everyday life.

indigo

[therising]

Hi Tom

You sound like a thoughtful, considerate, deeply feeling and open minded person. To think or mentally process, to consider life in many ways, to feel all there is to feel and to open the mind to what can possibly work at times and what can't are all great qualities. Such qualities can also be tormenting at times, for sure. I know some people who are extremely happy being thoughtless, inconsiderate, unfeeling and closed minded. Typically, they never change which can become a major challenge for those around them.

Perhaps the hardest part of life relates to managing the ability to be more thoughtful, the ability to be more considerate, the ability to feel more and the ability to manage a mind that's opening more than ever before (to an array of possibilities). It's like having graduated to next level. It's like 'My goodness, this next level stuff is so much harder than basic thinking, basic consideration, basic feelings etc'. An occasional mind numbing day in front of pay tv can come as a welcome relief, aka 'completely switching off'.  

Give yourself the freedom to return anytime or not. The choice is entirely yours. Whether you return to vent (better out than in), wonder, express your emotions or simply share mind altering revelations that have come to you, you've created a space for all to share in.