wishing i was dead and just sharing about how i feel about life

[tom123hh]

i am not sure how to use this forum. i dont want to post anything into a public forum which might be wrong to post. i want to tell anyone how i am feeling and what i have been thinking about. but i realise that some or much of my life situation might be my own fault. maybe im not strong enough or motivated enough to keep myself well and handling life.

i get sad and i worry about life. many have worries about money and how to pay for everything that life might throw at us. i dont want everything to be about money and i am unsure but thinking that other struggles are happening to. as the title says i wish i was dead. have wished for this for many years. but i guess here i am just trying to talk about why and what i feel like. i guess i just feel like life can be to difficult to handle sometimes. it feels like very often or even everyday.

im sorry if not text not laid out well. was going to be all one paragraph until i tried to split things up. all this in this post might be to much stuff. 

i feel like i have so much to say but not sure if it is ok to say it all here. i have tried to talking to lifeline and beyond blue about how i have been feeling. i tried quite a bit of working, volunteering and doing some study during my 20s and 30s. there was enough problems during doing these things. having always had trouble working etc might affect how much money is available. maybe i dont trust people. maybe i feel like i cant handle people and problems. maybe i am worried that i will not be able to handle much of what life throws at us at different times.

just the last few weeks, i have been worried about anything that could and does happen in life. i have not felt ok. i have felt sad. have had problems getting along with family for a long time. and even just the last few months have had to little to no contact with family. my family would be currently only 3 people. i only have a few friends.

i am feeling guilty now for wishing my life was over. i have felt this way because my life feels like it has been to much worry and sadness etc. i am worried if i will be handle anything and everything that might happen in life. i try to avoid people quite often because obv it seems easier to avoid. i dont feel like i get on well with people and i feel like i cant handle people and problems. there might or might not often be problems. 

i wanted to use this to share thoughts and feelings. but im not sure it is going ok.

[indigo22]

Hi Tom,

This is my perspective on some of what you have talked about;

I think the problem with organised religion is that the truth has been manipulated to control people. In truth there is no heaven or hell, this is a human construct because we live in a world of duality, hence if there is a heaven there must be a hell. We are eternal souls having a human experience and we chose to come here for the growth and learning that can be gained from being here. We can choose to make this heaven on earth or hell on earth, but the afterlife is just us returning to our soul state and continuing to learn and grow in other ways. There is a reason we come to this difficult planet, there is something we want to learn from being here, the trick is to figure out what that is. Easier said than done for many of us.

As for your concern about getting caught in the rain, perhaps you could pick up a lightweight raincoat with a hood that folds down to a small size so you can have it with you in case you need it. It would give you some peace of mind while you are out walking and I am sure you would find something of that nature in a camping or army disposal store, possibly even kmart or somewhere similar.

Just some thoughts for you,

indigo

[Croix]

Dear Tom~

As you can see others have felt the same way but are now trying to encourage and support you. They, such as Indigo, have said they have been the same, as have I.

There several things I found was helpful, and the first concerned therapy, counceling and medication. Drug companies  come out with new medications often, there is one at the moment that looks pretty promising for depression and suicidal thought . I'm not allowed to mention its name here, and although it is new in Australia I've been taking the older version for many years and it made a huge difference. I do caution though that everyone is different and what might work for me may not work for others, so it is just something you may be able to ask about

I found I could not get meaningful counseling or therapy from anyone who had not had suicidal thoughts themselves. They may be able to understand better. Finding such a therapist can be hard though your GP may know someone.

I"m pleased you like interesting documentaries and movies - would you like to say what  sorts you find interesting? Have you considered following them up?

I saw the nature program "Zoo quest for a dragon" and found the book, which gave me more interesting background and lead me on to other books and videos in the series. I'm not saying this would suit you, but you get the idea.

I do disagree that distraction only lasts until the movie stops, it can give you a different mood that may well last a while. If you use Smiling Mind, a free smartphone app, and practice with it then you may sustain that calmer happier mood much longer, as I have.

If you can find something tha you can say "Well, I enjoyed that" then consider if you can have it as part of your life. I played dungeons and dragons with 2 friends one a week. Frankly I was not interested in rolling dice and playing the game seriously, I got my benefit from the company of others, jokes, humor and general conversation. 

Maybe you can find something for you and your friends.

Do not feel bad about posting here - it's all good.

Croix

[therising]

Hi Tom

I agree we could class some actions as meaningless distractions and even wonder why we participate in them. Actions tend to become more meaningful when we're finding a sense of meaning or purpose in them. Half a day in front of Netflix eating absolute rubbish can be a meaningless distraction, leading me away from taking constructive action in my life. How we walk, shop and prepare and eat dinner is going to determine whether there is meaning in those things or not. If they're going to feel like they're a part of the daily grind, it will feel like they're grinding our soul down to nothing. If we're going for a walk to ingest fresh oxygen outdoors, to stop and smell the roses (literally), to greet and be greeted with a smile by someone, to get our blood circulating around my body to a greater degree etc etc, the walk has meaning and many purposes. Driving somewhere to begin the type of walk I want sometimes makes a difference. Driving up to the Dandenongs here in Melbourne offers a walk so different from the one I experience in the suburbs around where I live. The oxygen's fresher, the air is crisper, the smell of all those collective trees is sensational and so on. It's a different sensory experience. Not every walk is equal. Some bring us to life more. It can become a bit of a 'Goldilocks' experience or experiment. This walk feels too boring. That walk feels too stressful. This walk feels just right. Who we walk with can also play a part in the experience, which helps explain why some people join walking clubs. 'How am I going to walk from now on?' becomes the question. There is actually a book called 'How To Walk', by Thich Nhat Hanh. It's about how to use walking as a form of meditation. 

As far as religion or spiritual practices or beliefs go, I learned some time ago about the power of imagination. Being raised Catholic, I was led to imagine and believe in things within Catholic teachings. While some of the things I was led to imagine were inspiring and amazing and beautiful, there were the other things which weren't and they tortured me to various degrees. As I got older I found myself imagining inspiring, amazing and beautiful teachings within other spiritual cultures or religions, which replaced some of the things that tortured me. Eventually, I proclaimed myself to be 'a collector of incredible things imagined from a variety of spiritual cultures'. I think the question becomes 'Does what I imagine serve me?'. Does it serve me to imagine Jesus and Siddhartha (The Buddha) having existed and teaching about a more enlightened way of living? Yes. Does it serve me to imagine finding and practicing those ways? Yes. Does it serve me to imagine a kind of fire and brimstone hell existing beyond this life and does it serve me to imagine what the book of Revelations would look like if it came to life. HELL NO, NO WAY, NOT AT ALL!!! I gotta get that stuff right out of my head. Sheer terror is not good for mind, body or soul. Not a good feel. Does it serve me to imagine there's a way of finding heaven on earth, while I'm here? Yes. Does it serve you to wonder whether there will be a sermon that speaks to you in some guiding way at the next church service? It can't hurt to wonder and imagine. Does it serve you to imagine yourself as being a part of a spiritual community, something that can serve the soul? Perhaps finding the right spiritual community for you could be a trial and error process before you find the one that serves you. While we can have those who serve the body (physicians, chemists etc) and those who serve the mind (psychologists, psychiatrists etc), who do we have that specialises in all the soulful stuff? Sounds like you've begun your search to find exactly what serves you.

[tom123hh]

im sorry to put this here but am feeling really distressed again. i really feel like i need to end my life asap because life feels to difficult and to scary to keep going. but i must be afraid of dying. i am stuck and its only making me feel worse and worse. cant find a way to die because of fear of failure or pain. feeling like i have to somehow keep on living when i really dont want to. i dont even know how to talk about it. perhaps i cant be clear on how bad ive been feeling. and then feeling worse because of feeling stuck. i also feel like nothing can help me. no one can help me. there is nothing anyone can do or say. my thoughts and feelings seem to get real bad. does talking help. does typing out these things help. i am not sure. how am i suppose to keep on living. it feels like i am not saying what i need to say. 

[indigo22]

Hi Tom,

There is no need to apologise here, we all know how difficult it can be to cope at times.

I know its hard to get through those times when your thoughts are consumed with just ending it all. It feels at the time like it's the only way to escape the pain and torment. But I am here to let you know that it is not the only way.

When I was at my lowest point, I had begun to make plans and couldn't think of anything else. It was like I had a one track mind and nothing else mattered. It was my nephew who snapped me out of that one track mindset by saying that they (he and his sister) had already lost too many people and couldn't handle losing anyone else. He made me promise right then and there, that I would not act on those thoughts. It is the hardest promise I have ever had to make, but I made it. I realised in that moment that by acting on those thoughts I would be free but I would be causing more pain for those left behind (both family and friends). I realised I could not inflict that sort of pain on those that I cared about despite the fact that those thoughts continued to haunt me for the next couple of years.

What turned that thinking around for me was when I moved away from that location with all of it's bad memories to a location that was quiet, calm and new to me. Life still feels difficult a lot of the time, but I have not had those thoughts for at least 8 or 9 years now. I feel I am better able to manage my depression now even though there are still some not so good days, I am able to get through them.

You need to figure out what the catalyst might be for you to begin turning those thoughts around. We have made many suggestions but if they are not quite right for you, give some extra thought to what might be right for you. We can brainstorm with you to find possibilities if that helps.

You matter Tom, you matter as much as any one else on the planet and you matter to us.

indigo

[Croix]

Dear Tom~

You  are not alone. You do paint a grim picture of all that is going on in your head. Like Indigo I was in that same place where all my thoughts led to hopelessness and were caused by my shortcomings. There seemed no way out and it was unbearable.

So I set out to take my life, I was all alone in the house and starting when I heard the TV in the next room, it was a favorite comedian telling a joke I'd heard and always enjoyed may times before (it was about false teeth would you believe).

I chuckled. This came as a shock - me? chuckling? I had no idea I was capable of chuckling, it and humor were not part of me as I saw myself at that time, though they had been in the past and I'd forgotten that.

This made me pause, I knew there was no humor in me - but I was obviosly wrong. I did not know everything about myself. I did not know everything about the world. Could my intent to take my life be based on wrong thinking?

I went and told my partner and it was like I'd had a great weight lifted. Not a problem solver in itself but a start. Now when I get overwhelmed and want to take my life again I think to myself I've been exactly here before and survived (I also think of the joke which does have a cheering effect)

Wen I look back I see my mind has only so much capacity and depression manufactured all my thoughts - filling my mind so full there was no room for anything else.  It was sneaky by making me believe they were my own thoughts, hopeless and terrible.

The world is a bigger place than those depression thoughts painted it.

Croix

[Croix]

Dear Tom~

I'm just checking in to see how you are going. when really down people asking me how I was going was really annoying, but looking back I'm glad they did, it reminded me others care

Croix

[tom123hh]

beyond blue somehow got the police to find me for a welfare check. hesitant to be so honest on beyond blue now. im aware that i just have really bad moods and thoughts sometimes and sometimes i really dont feel ok. maybe people care, maybe even strangers care. how much can any one really care. i have to try to get on with my life. we all know it isnt always easy to get on with life wateva our life looks like.

[tom123hh]

i know beyond blue have some sort of a duty of care and want to try to make sure people are safe. if with what little info they have about users, beyond blue might try and make sure someone is safe. i understand and it is ok. when i made the other post on the saturday i was also chatting to someone from beyond blue in text chat. so it could of been that chat and or the forum post which prompted beyond blue to want to do wateva possible to check if i was and would be safe and ok.

[Sophie_M]

Hi there, Thank you for being part of the Beyond Blue forums. Sorry to hear about your experience tom123hh, as you have mentioned we do have a duty of care at beyond blue to keep the community safe where needed. Police are usually called as a last resort in cases where there is risk. 

We hope that you find our forums to be a safe and supportive space to talk through your thoughts and feelings. Our community is here for you, and we’re sure they’ll spot your post soon enough and have some kind words and understanding for you.
  Kind regards, Sophie M