Unsure about whether to go non-contact with my mum

[Unicorn_Kitty]

Hi, I am in a situation where I am having trouble coming to an appropriate decision.

My mum is particularly nasty and has narcissistic tendencies. I feel that her negative behaviours and her predisposition to make situations about her seem more apparent as time goes on, since she bought us the property. She was very difficult to be around when I lived with her and it was detrimental to my wellbeing, but at the moment I definitely feel happier when I haven’t had much contact with her for a while.

My mum owns the property I live in. I didn’t want her to buy my sister and I a property but she insisted and often complains about sacrificing money for the property, saying that she could have kept it herself, she wants the money back, most parents don’t do this for their kids and that her mum didn’t help her get a property and blew her money instead. She will not sell until she feels she will get a good deal on the property. I am lost about what to do. I want to go no-contact with my mum. I don’t necessarily have the means to save to purchase my own property yet since a lot of money has been going towards her and the property. I find that being around her tends to be unpleasant and she often invalidates my struggles and makes it about herself.

I feel that I need to be prepared to not receive any money after the property is sold anyway because my mum as the owner gets to decide where the money goes, so I don’t want to be in contact with her for the money as it’s not my priority, I just know that there is going to have to be interaction as a renter and I don’t want things to get awkward or tense. Also, renting elsewhere may not be feasible if rent could increase at anytime to the point where it’s almost impossible to pay, especially as I wouldn’t be living with other people. I think that I could save for a deposit, but it would take a while and I don’t want to be abused for much longer.

[white knight]

Hi welcome.

I'll address your issues with your mum shortly. You can't unfortunately have things both ways in terms of remaining in her house she owns and going no contact. There's no realistic way of that working. Going no contact doesn't have conditions... your relationship is either intolerable (and cut ties and move) or somewhat intolerable (stay and have an ongoing relationship).

The other problem, narcissism,  is more problematic.  I'm 68yo, my mother 93. I haven't seen her for 14 years and don't intend to at all. A narcissist, she ruined my first wedding in 1985  tried to prior to my 3nd wedding 2011 but was stopped. She turned our loving father against us, triangulated us and even ruined my relationships with my work bosses. But for 30 years I tried sorting us out, restricting my contact with her which was difficult as my loyalty in my father meant he wouldn't maintain contact with me when I'm not seeing her. She played on that.

It certainly isn't acceptable your mother holds her properties over her children's heads, it's emotional blackmail and I found that intolerable in my own mother. If you don't break off your relationship with your gf I'll pack my bags and go on holidays" ... my answer "I'll help you pack".

But it's harder for you to call bluff and say "I'll move out then" when accommodation is scarce. 

Narcissism is hard to deal with, you can't take away the nature of a person, their forceful methods for control etc so once you've exhausted all efforts, there is those two options tolerate or you can't tolerate, something no one can determine for you.

What I do know is- if you have the ability to do the following things life would be easier for you with less trauma-

• Point out to her in few words her wrong doing eg property ownership and how she didn't get such generosity from her parents. Ask her to stop it.
• Distance yourself. Answer her phone calls less, be too busy to meet up
• Run your life without her input.
• Stop her manipulation by not being easy to manipulate (takes insight)

I hope that helps. Reply anytime

TonyWK 

[Unicorn_Kitty]

Thank you! I think you’re right about it being unrealistic to stay in the home and go non-contact. I’ll have to think about whether it’s better to move out and not get money for a deposit. 

[white knight]

Just keep in mind the possibility of moving further out in regional areas. Many small towns (medium size better as they have facilities) are really friendly, healthy for children and prices are very low. 

Google-  Witch queen hermit waif

I wish you well.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/narcissism/td-p/334484

TonyWK