Time Makes New Wounds

[_Gigi_]

Six years ago, I decided to kill myself. It felt like the best option at the time. Things came up though, and I decided to give myself time- I wanted to try to get better. I put in a lot of effort to salvage my mental state. I did what everyone always tells you to do- doctors, medications, mindfulness apps, exercise, journaling, trying to socialise, etc.

And now I'm right back where I started. Maybe further back, actually.

My efforts only did so much. Other things piled up. Family problems, chronic health issues, money and work stress. Uni panic and burnout. Life turned into a nightmare. I started getting panic attacks and accidentally hurting myself during meltdowns. It feels like I spent years unnecessarily torturing myself when I could've ended on a much higher note. Now, my current situation only shows promise for further decline. I don't want to be here for that. I don't know what to do. I'm safe right now though, just to clarify. Just hoping for some sort of guidance, I guess. I don't really know anymore.

[therising]

Hi _Gigi_

My heart goes out to you, given all you've been through and all you're going through. From my own experience, I'd say despair would have to be one of the most challenging emotions of all.

I think that while we can be doing all the right things according to others, they may not necessarily be the right things for us. We could end up seeing the wrong doctors (for us) or end up taking the wrong med (for us). We could be tapping into the wrong kinds of mindfulness apps (for us) or the wrong type of exercises. Instead of journaling and generally socialising, maybe what's right for us is something like automatic writing and meeting really soulful types of people who hold the wisdom of a sage, the kind of wisdom we're so desperately looking for. Gone are the days where society relied on its elders for wisdom. At the end of the day, after finding all the things that don't work, we can end up asking 'What's wrong with me? I tried everything suggested to me or everything a person's meant to do. Am I just so broken that nothing works?'. Sometimes it can be a matter of nothing inside the square working for outside the square types of people or problems. In other words, what may work for us is not contained within the bounds of what typically works for most people. So, we're not broken. We just haven't ventured outside the square yet. 

I think society has a lot to answer for when it comes to how we see ourself.

• 'If I'm not happy or if I'm depressed, there's something wrong with me', as opposed to 'I'm not designed to be happy all the time. I'm designed to feel what's depressing, what's stressful or what's overwhelming as well as being able to feel what leads me to a sense of happiness or relief' With our ability to feel a vast emotional spectrum, every emotion has the ability to direct us or redirect us. For example, we'd never move away from depressing people if we didn't feel them as being depressing or we'd never visit a doctor if we didn't feel the depressing side effects of a serious thyroid condition that needs attention
• 'If I'm not being highly productive then I'm not a productive and valuable member of society', as opposed to 'I'm designed to feel a sense of overwhelm, so as to reduce the amount of things I've got on my plate'. Btw, while we can manage 10 things at once, our lack of physical energy or physical health may dictate 'You need to take 5 or 9 of those things off your plate for now'
• 'Daydreaming is a waste of time' or 'Daydreamers are unproductive' vs 'If you learn to daydream in the right ways, you can become a visionary or a seer in your life or the lives of others'
• 'Breathing is natural' vs 'Conscious breathing takes practice'. There are a whole stack of different ways to breathe, all depending on what we want to achieve (a work up of energy, a calming down of energy, managing the vagus nerve, a change of brainwave activity etc etc)

While the list could continue to be extensive, I'll stop at just those examples. 

As a 55yo gal, I've found these days that not a huge amount of stuff inside the square works for me when it comes to managing my mental wellbeing. I tend to find a percentage of it depressing or potentially depressing. I started exploring more outside the square stuff some years ago out of pure desperation and was surprised by what actually works for me personally. Btw, some inside the square stuff does work and I rely on it. A healthy balance can be our thing.

Do you feel it's time to start exploring stuff that's a little more out there perhaps? 

[_Gigi_]

Hello therising,

Thank you for your reply. It's definitely important to find what's right for us personally- I have really good doctors now, but before that I spent years seeing someone who tended to brush me off. I suppose that's part of what I find so disheartening. Everything seems to take so much time and trial and error. I'm also not very good with change- once I start doing things one way, I get stuck. I'm trying to work on that though. I'm very tired of how things currently are. I'd really like to try different things to make myself feel better, like you said. There are things I've always wanted to do, but haven't tried because I'm too nervous. My therapist says I have autism (I'm going to start the process of a formal diagnosis soon), and I often feel like an outsider in things. It's very lonely, especially because my family isn't very close so I'm kinda on my own emotionally. I hate the idea that I could feel like this forever. Anyway, I suppose I can try new things at home, but when it's just me, motivation is a major obstacle.

[therising]

Hi _Gigi_

It's so hard at times, trying to work things out for ourself. Even finding the right guides, such as your current doctors, is something you had to discover or work out for yourself (after some trial and error). I wish there was a subject or a couple of subjects in school where we're taught life skills. No wonder we can feel so lost at times, when there's no formal education on how to do life under certain challenging circumstances. Based on this fact, we gotta give ourself a whole lot of credit as we go along, that's for sure. 

I've found one of the most important lessons, for me personally, to involve 'How my brain ticks vs what's in my nature'. While the brain's largely a processor (processing and regulating blood pressure, lung function, chemistry, memory, cognitive stuff and more), our nature is something entirely different. How the two work together at times can definitely make things challenging. If it's in our incredible nature to feel or sense so much, we can feel shifts in blood pressure, lung function/breathing, chemistry and we can feel shifts in self confidence while suddenly moving into a lack of self confidence. We can feel or sense when there's a need for change in our life and even feel what's in our imagination, whether that be good or not so good. So it becomes a matter of 'How do I manage my processor and my natural abilities or nature at the same time?'. Again, not something we're taught in school.

I think it helps to know that we're designed to do what's easy. 'Easy' is good for our vascular system, nervous system, muscular system etc. None of those systems experience pressure or dis-ease with what's easy. More often than not we'll do what's hard or challenging out of necessity, desperation or having no choice. So whether it's a caveman leaving the cave to go out hunting in dangerous territory based on pure survival or it's someone having to leave certain easy ways behind them, in favor of developing through what's hard, both can be stressful yet necessary. Returning to that safe space is the most important thing. It's about finding a healthy balance in life, between progress/action and relaxation. The alternative involves always doing what's easy or always doing what's stressful. No good either way. Btw, as a gal who prefers to do what's easy, this can work against me. When I'm not practicing managing what's hard, when the hard stuff does arise I'm prone to stress. The same question always comes to mind when I'm facing what's hard, 'What skill or ability am I lacking that I need to develop in this case?' or 'Who has the skill or ability to help me manage this challenge?'. While life can feel like we're going 'round in circles or cycles (through stressful or depressing challenges), I've found it's about cycling up through the skills, abilities and revelations that lead us to develop into who we're going to become. 

As I say to my 20yo son, who was diagnosed with level 1 autism a couple of years ago, 'While you now have a better idea when it comes to how and why your brain ticks the way it does, you need to also keep in mind what's in your nature'. He has a mind-blowing nature that can get in the way of making certain progress at times.

[_Gigi_]

Hi therising,

Thanks again for writing back. I must acknowledge my own terrible balance of 'easy' and 'hard' stuff. I'm either panicking and taking on everything at once, or completely burned out and unable to do even the simplest of tasks. I had a panic attack at work yesterday- my first one in ages; a bad one- and I think it's because I've been pushing myself too hard in the wrong direction. I want to do things that are difficult for me, but that are fun, like trying new things in the community or maybe going to social events. I used to visit new places with friends and enjoy new experiences every once in a while, and it helped. Now, instead, I pile on responsibilities until I break. Most days, I come home from class or work, turn off all the lights, and rock back and forth in the dark. Yesterday I had a bit of a meltdown and hid under my desk. I'm very embarrassed by my reactions but I can't help it. My therapist has suggested a support worker so I've been looking into that. Like you mentioned, maybe they'll be able to help me develop some new skills. I just can't help but worry that I might be making everything worse by trying. 

[therising]

Hi _Gigi_

I think each of us have a tipping point under a variety of circumstances. Just enough challenges can be good, just enough work can be productive and just enough of a whole stack of other things doesn't create any major issues. When we meet with too much of anything though, you can feel the tipping point. The signs can include a sense of great stress or dis-ease/unease felt through the body, venting in some form (verbal declarations of intolerance, crying, sighing etc), a sense of pure exhaustion and I've found depression can even become a sign in some cases. When just about everything we're dealing with can feel depressing, it can take us from teetering on the brink of depression into that deep dark well. Btw, the body is such an intelligent thing, with it's self soothing ways, which can include leading us to rocking, humming, chewing our nails, twisting our hair, forms of venting and more. Unless we know ourself perfectly, we're not always going to be conscious of the lead up to our tipping point. If you do catch some of the signs in the lead up, you know it's a call to consciously re-balance in some way.

There are times where we have to be kind to ourself and patient with ourself, while showing ourself compassion. 'I've never met with this kind of tipping point before' can be a compassionate thing to acknowledge and say to ourself. The patience factor comes into play as we consider 'It might take me a while and a bit of trial and error to find what works best in this case'.