given up

[foxythepirate01]

hey everyone. i’m writing this because i’m feeling lost again and i’m not sure what to do. in the past week i’ve cut all contact in friends because they kept pressuring me into talking to one of my old mates, Shaun. I also felt like i was constantly being used. hardest part was my best mate was like family, it was like i was apart of his family. we were very close but i just couldn’t do it anymore. before fully cutting contact, i felt like too much effort to reach out and talk to people, felt like i was just getting in the way constantly. no motivation to do anything. i’m starting to get sick of family pressuring me to work again (quit job because of mental health) and get my self together when i can barely get through a single day. i’m 16 so people will say ‘you have so much time!’ but it doesn’t feel like that. started to get suicidal again. haven’t been able to sleep due to thoughts. mind feels scrambled. tried to distract myself with my interests and nothing seems to help. i push away help all the time and i don’t understand why, every good thing i try to do i always mess it up somehow.

I just want a way out, have no one to turn to that feels safe, that i can trust. even my mates i didn’t trust. even parents i can’t trust. 

i’m sorry for just rambling on about this crap, i have no where else to go. i’m sorry

[foxythepirate01]

i have become numb to my emotions. i still feel them, yes, but if i had to describe them? it’s hard to but i would say there is a lot of hopelessness. loneliness. longing for connection which i know hurts my soul and that i can’t continue. the problem with me is i’m not good at setting boundaries. when to say ‘hey, this makes me uncomfortable, no i don’t feel like staying over’ you get the idea. it seems every social interaction drains me so much, that in a few hours time i need complete isolation for hours and hours before i feel the need to talk to someone. i notice too much, feel too much. i can tell when someone’s energy has shifted, their tone, words they use. i feel like too much constantly. i find it hard to reach out for help, so, often times i just self isolate and numb myself with something or just sit with those thoughts. the cycle won’t stop. but i can’t reach out to anyone or any service. it feels like i’m lying even when i’m not. it’s hard but i struggle through it somehow, only for the loop to continue. i push away help when i clearly need it.

[Eagle Ray]

Hey foxythepirate01,

I just want to say I really hear you and that it's great you have reached out for support here, even if you find it hard to reach out elsewhere. Thank you for sharing with us. I think when we are already struggling, and then when we are also very sensitive and aware of other's emotions as you have described, it's very easy to feel overwhelmed. In the midst of that overwhelm it can be hard to see a way forward at the time, but that's ok and sometimes just being gentle with yourself is really important.

You may find that reaching out to something like a helpline could actually be helpful even though it feels so hard to break out of the isolation. I really know that isolation well and called Lifeline myself this afternoon actually. I got someone on the phone who was kind, responsive and a good listener. Sometimes it's something like that, that begins to put things in a little perspective and helps us to feel more regulated and ok again.

And please don't apologise at all for communicating how you feel here. You are so welcome to do so and it's a great thing that you have expressed how you feel. It's really important to do that and to be heard as well.

Is there anything you find that helps regulate you a bit, that helps you feel a little better, maybe something that takes your attention for a while? For me it is photo editing because I love photography and when I am in that place of overwhelm and the feelings of isolation are really difficult, somehow just working creatively on some photo editing settles me down and I start to feel more balanced and ok again. Apparently when the curious and creative parts of our brain are activated, it shuts down the circuits where we are feeling things like stress or trauma. And then sometimes the challenges we are dealing with start to feel more manageable too.

Take good care and chat anytime you feel the need.

[foxythepirate01]

usually i go for bike rides to clear my head sometimes, but it’s been awhile since my bike was working and haven’t had the motivation to fix it. that’s all i can really think of to be honest. thank you

[Eagle Ray]

I used to go for bike rides. I wonder if you could take your bike to a bike service place and get them to do it to make it easier? It's just a thought. I had a great sense of freedom riding. I used to ride down to the ocean when I lived in Perth and ride along the coastal path. I have a flat bar road bike - wider tyres than a standard road bike but not a mountain bike.

I was thinking, you could also try calling Kids Helpline who support young people up until the age of 25. They would be tuned into you as a young person. Their number is 1800 55 1800. Their website might be helpful too.  They have a section for teens age 13-17. They also have web chat and something called My Circle which is a private, safe, confidential platform for 12-25 year olds that is supported by trained counsellors. So there's a few options including ones where you don't have to talk on the phone if that feels too much.

With regard to feeling like you are lying, you definitely are not. I think so many of us discount ourselves and our own feelings, but you are valid and deserve care and validation from others. Please feel free to chat further here too. Take care.