Hi Chris
Can't recall whether I've mentioned the 'disappointment' factor before. I've found that looking at disappointment from a constructive perspective has made a big difference to me, especially in my relationship with my husband. With your parents, I can understand the torment and pain involved in them regularly dis-appointing themselves from the roles you so desperately wish they'd fill. There's just so much heartache involved in relationships where others won't meet the roles we so desperately wish they'd meet.
A lot of roles I'd appointed my husband to are roles he's dis-appointed himself from time and time again. He'd announce such dis-appointment in a variety of ways such as with a 'That's just not me', when it comes to any sense of adventure or long term vision. He prefers to stay at home and not think about the future. Conversations full of wonder would often be met with 'I don't want to talk about that?'. Deep and revealing conversations when it comes to making sense of why I'd be feeling so low would typically end with 'It really upsets me when you're upset because I love you so much. I hate that you're so upset'. Then he'd walk away because he was so upset that someone he loves so much is upset, leaving me alone to feel depressed. Someone who will love our kids enough to lead them to a sense of excitement and fulfillment, while maintaining a mutually respectful bond with them, is a role I mainly fill out of the 2 of us. To be fair, I give him credit for being reliable and working hard in making sure there's enough income so that we can enjoy the benefits of electricity, gas, water, a roof over our heads, little luxuries etc etc. Not everyone has those things but we do because of him. With me taking this year off work due to exhaustion and anxiety, with a number of challenges having come up in life, I could not be doing this without his him.
It was only in recent times that I'd decided, 'Okay, I'm going to dis-appoint him from all those roles I'd appointed him, in the very beginning, ones he never wanted to fill'. One by one, I began to give many of those roles to others, roles they happily fill more often than not.
I don't offer this as a sad story, simply one of example and practicality. It's a matter of 'I officially dis-appoint you from that role'. Appointed roles need to be practical, to save heartache. 'I do not appoint you as the parent or spouse that expresses love for me in the ways I need' or 'I do not appoint you the role of he or she that raises my sense of excitement or self esteem' and so on. It's just so hard, in the beginning. It's heartbreaking, accepting there are some people who refuse to fill a role we so desperately wish they would. The consequence of our choice to let go of those roles we once gave to them is...they lose us bit by bit and that's not necessarily our fault.
