Suicidal constantly

[Chris_Tas]

Hi all.

Like others I think of suicide basically constantly.

It's like a someone whispering in me ear that I can't stop as my life otherwise is (mostly) ok.

I told my parents again but they just said Im an attention seeker that using it as an excuse not to work.

That is far from the trust as when I tell them I'm suicidal they laugh and then get angry.

It's so difficult as it makes my suicidal thoughts worse but they seem completely oblivious.

Anyway stay safe all.

Chris

[therising]

Hi Chris

I have to say your efforts and results are outstanding. With your physical well being reflected in your weight loss, you're an absolute inspiration. This is something I need to work on myself, returning to greater physical well being. You're my inspiration Chris. I'm an emotional eater and it definitely shows. My unhealthy weight gain reflects the lack of joy in my life. Have just begun to seriously address this. Not sure where to start but I think that's because I'm at the beginning of the planning phase. Will make today a planning day. Gotta start somewhere 🙂

I believe our planning stage (preceding significant life changes) can look a little all over the place at times. Can be a bit of an eye opener too. I think we gotta be careful when entering into a planning stage. With the revelations that come to mind, things have the potential to get a little dark. Kind of like 'Okay, now, why am I not entirely happy? I need to work out why, so I can move on and make constructive changes that will really stick'. Cue a revelation, 'Some of the people around me lead me to feel down'. Then things can begin to really unravel. That 'ball of string' begins to unravel. You could call it the 'Getting the knots out' stage. Could go on to sound a little like 'Have they always been this depressing or triggering. Oh my god, they have. How did I not see that? What's wrong with me? Am I really that foolish?' and so on. Can continue on to some self chastising dark and depressing internal dialogue or it can go 'Now that I've woken up to the nature of such people, I'm going to stay conscious of their behaviour and how it negatively impacts me. I will begin emotionally detaching from them in certain ways'. All of a sudden the anaylyst in you comes to life. The analyst is born. Happy birthday 🙂 Now you're not emotionally reacting to such people, you're instead analysing their behaviour and what's wrong with it.

I've come to realise over time that each time I cycle through a potentially depressing mind altering life changing challenge, it signifies a new part of me is on the verge of coming to life or coming back to life. I think the depressing side and all the hard work we do to get through that is something we could call 'the labor pains'.

So glad you're feeling progress Chris. Light a candle, make a wish and blow it out into the universe and celebrate that part of you that's come to life 🙂

[Chris_Tas]

Thank you theRising.

You are a fantastic person but unfortunately I feel a bit let down to be honest. (posters imply I don't know then I can't respond)

How are you?

[Chris_Tas]

BTW Bud my Panther (Greyhound) was sore on the weekend.

Turns out he snapped a toe......it's been amputated as apparently best option.

He's fine though, bouncing around, dogs make your mental health much better imo.

The love dogs give is just sensational.

[Centaured]

Sorry about Bud. Glad he's still bouncing around.

how are you going, haven't heard from you in a while.

[therising]

Hi Chris

Sorry to hear you're feeling let down. 'Down' is rarely ever a good feeling or experience unless it involves calming down. What do we do with 'down' but, typically, feel it. Was saying to someone just the other day 'Would love to go to the GP to get a pill for 'up' (an upper)', when it comes to raising energy levels and emotion. I have to start generating more energy. I find a serious lack of energy is a trigger for depression for me and I can't afford to remain teetering on the brink of that for too long. Hard to begin generating energy when there's not a lot of it there to start with. Baby steps Chris 🙂

What about yourself, you have any baby step strategies, anything to raise the vibe? Any particular music that lifts you a little? What about sitting with the sun on your face in the morning, powering up with a little sun bathing/solar power? How about stretching out the kinks in the morning, exhausting that stagnant energy out through your mouth (aka yawning)? I actually watch this cat that comes to visit us on occasion. Does all these cat things that work for cats and humans. Bit of sunbathing in the one spot in the back yard that gets the morning sun, a few yoga poses through stretching, bit of yawing and some loving human interaction and the list goes on. With my compulsion to wonder, I googled whether cat's meditate. Couldn't help but wonder as I began to observe this cat not lying down but sitting with its eyes closed while listening to all the sounds around it, with ears like a radar. Apparently cat's do meditate. It keeps their nervous system relaxed and allows them to exercise their senses, such as hearing/tuning into and out from certain sounds. Interesting creatures/teachers.

Another thing I realised, as I sat with my face to the sun with my eyes closed the other morning, I thought 'I'll hold my hands up towards it too'. The warmth was beautiful. It felt like I was sitting in front of a fireplace. I smiled as I then realised 'What is the sun but a big ball of fire (putting it simply)'. Weird when you think about it, here's a fireplace thousands of miles away and you can feel it's warmth from where you sit.

While I apologise for rambling a little, I can't help but ramble at times when it comes to certain aspects of nature. They can be so simplistic yet offer so much and I don't appreciate them as much as I should. With your most natural form of therapy, your beautiful dogs, I'm sure you can relate to the gifts of nature.

[Chris_Tas]

Thank you mate.

I try to help wherever possible.

I still read, I just won't post as much.

Buddy is going great guns mate, as will you - you have made it this far,.which means you're an incredibly strong person.

[Chris_Tas]

Most on here just talk about themselves.

Then vanish. It's so selfish.

You however, give a great amount of knowledge and frankly, I think you an amazing person.

How are YOU?

[Chris_Tas]

Buddy now 37kgs.

He's looking a million dollars!

He is fit as.

[therising]

Hi Chris

Thank you for your kind words. You're so beautiful and you are also amazing. Never sell yourself short. I know the internal dialogue we hear can somethings lead us to do that. If it wasn't for you and others such as Centaured, I would not have learned as much about myself as what I have. Although our stories are all different, I think we all share a longing for self understanding, so as to move beyond what we don't yet fully understand about our self, the kind of things that can hold us back.

I'm such a researcher Chris, such a wonderer. If I wonder about something I just have to research it a lot of the time. Whether it's how we work mentally, how we tick physically (from the basics of chemistry to quantum physics/how we 'matter') or even the spiritual woo woo stuff, the different aspects of life all fascinate me and lead me to understand human nature in different and amazing ways. I have to know how I tick, one of the reasons being so I don't return to full on depression. Have felt myself heading that way on a number of occasions. I'll do whatever it takes not to go there again, research included.

Was looking at something just yesterday which provided an interesting take on life and reality. Nothing too intense. I hope I describe this clearly. Will give it my best shot...

Imagine your life as a huge net or network of choices. Each choice determines how your timeline goes. Each intersecting point of the net is actually like a fork in the road, while you're moving ahead. You can continue along the same line, maybe a line you could call 'Complete and utter hopelessness' for example. At an intersecting point you may meet with an opportunity that holds the potential to provide a change, say like coming on the forums here for the first time. Now you face the fork - do you come on the forums or continue along the same line, of complete and utter hopelessness? The choice is yours. Which fork on your path or your net will you choose? Come on here and complete and utter hopelessness may be left behind to some degree. Of course you may still feel it from time to time but having come on the forums means you can chat with people in order to make some sense of why you're feeling it, something you may have been unable to do in the past. You may be led to question the people around you, instead of yourself all the time. 'I'm a tolerant person trying to manage depressing people' could be the revelation that alters perception.

Btw, so glad Buddy's doing well 🙂

[Chris_Tas]

My mate from suicide ward has now passed away.

I told him to call me but he didn't.

I'm devastated, but I am safe.