Hi Riss_M
I feel for you so much given all you've been through in the past as well as the challenges that you currently face when it comes to making sense of your thoughts and feelings. Seriously tough when you're trying to make sense of things that just don't make sense.
I think people can think and feel the way they do based on a variety of factors. As a gal who faced quite a number of years in depression in the past, my way of thinking and feeling life then is very different from what it is now. With the benefit of 2 different perspectives I can recognise the compulsion to end things from 2 different angles. In depression, it was more so about the compulsion to end the mental and emotional sufferance based on it being unbearable and exhausting after so many years. Now, when I feel myself entering into what feels like a depression, it becomes an alarm in a way. That feeling alarms me to the need for a part of me to be laid to rest. Life can't go on constructively until I've sacrificed a part of myself that's slowly killing me, a part of myself that depresses me. Whether that part or aspect is 'The people pleaser' in me, 'The suppressor of emotion', 'The self punisher', the sense of self that favours lazing too much or something else, it just has to be put to rest. The up side of this is...when some aspect of self is laid to rest, another part comes to life in its place. When that new part comes to life it can bring with it a lot of new revelations and emotions. I recall first feeling the emotions that come with pure happiness, when I laid to rest a certain aspect of myself. Can recall thinking 'Oh my god, this is the kind of happiness people speak about. No wonder they're so excited all the time'. Until then, when it comes to happiness, I'd only ever experienced a basic sense of happiness. Basic just doesn't cut it a lot of the time. Ongoing 'basic happiness' can actually get a bit depressing, if that makes sense. Sometimes it just doesn't feel like it's enough. There's got to be more to life than feeling basically happy. 'Out of control happy' has a whole different vibe to it.
Not sure if any of this is relatable. Just thought I'd throw it out there in case it might help.
Being a major 'feeler', someone who's sensitive to feelings, there are times where I'm led to ask 'Why am I not feeling?' or 'What am I not feeling?'. I think our feelings have a bit of a volume knob to them. What or who has turned the volume up or down can become the question.
