I think I should be in hospital...

[Kitty42]

I've had depression for as long as I can remember, and have had suicidal and intrusive thoughts for about the past 4 years. But lately.. it's getting to the point where it is all I can think about. I don't know where this intense feeling has come from, or why it's gotten so bad, and honestly I'm terrified. These thoughts are interrupting everything; I can't sleep, I have little appetite, I can't focus at work or during my studies. I've been seriously considering admitting myself into a hospital - but I just can't bring myself to do it. I was taken to hospital for a similar thing just under a year ago.. but the difference was, someone took me basically against my will. The whole time I was there, I felt like I shouldn't have been. I felt as though I wasn't sick enough to be there - that I was taking valuable time away from other patients for something really pathetic. I just have no idea what else to do, can someone please help me, it feels like I'm drowning

[Sophie_M]

Dear Kitty42,


 
We can hear you've been having thoughts about not wanting to be here. We’d really like to have a counsellor check in with you by phone, would this be ok with you? If so, please respond to this message with your phone number and someone will reach out to you. If you’d prefer to reach out to us, we’re on 1300 22 4636, or you can use our webchat here: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/
Other options are Lifeline on 13 11 14 or the Suicide Call Back Service on 1300 659 467.
 
We’d really recommend having a look at the Beyond Blue safety planning app. You can read about how it works and where to download it here: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/beyondnow-suicide-safety-planning . You can even call Lifeline (131114) and complete it with one of their counsellors over the phone if you'd like.
 
Thanks again for sharing to the forums. We can hear you're feeling really low, but we want to tell you that you are an important person and you deserve to find happiness within your life and this post can be the start of your journey towards feeling better. It's a strong thing to do, and you never know who will read your post and feel less alone in their own experience.
 
Kind regards,
 
Sophie M
 

[Centaured]

Hey Kitty42 as Sophie has said it's a good brave first step to make to share your experiences here.

Im sorry to hear you are in such a state of mind, it is a very hard place to be  to not want to be here. You are doing the right thing by reaching out. Do you have anyone in your life you could reach out to

And if you think you need to be in hospital have you thought about self presentation, it is a scary thing to do to admit we are a risk to ourselves, but it courageous and good thing to do. Going to your emergency department can be a step to get the help you need. They can discuss the right support you need and help you find a way forward. And even if it doesn't end up in an admission you are showing you believe enough in yourself to seek help and that is highly commendable

Pleas don't up. You most definitely deserve help and taking yourself is seen as being more proactive than being brought in by someone else.

Im sorry my words aren't the best today. I have a headache and ear infection, but I wanted to reach out of you. Pleas please keep looking out for yourself and get help. You are meant to be here

[Banksy92]

Hi Kitty42,

Living with strong suicidal thoughts is an awful experience, I am sorry you are dealing with this right now. If you aren't quite ready to seek help in an inpatient ward, are you open to seeing a psychologist about your depression? (if you're not already)

When we are overcome with feelings of despair and sadness, being heard and having a safe space to let it all out is really helpful. A professional can also help you build skills to manage and reduce these feelings.

It would be good to get an understanding o fyour life and circumstances to offer more advice...

What kinds of things do you like to do or make you feel good? Do you have any hobbies? Creative outlets are a great way to process emotion and re channel energy.

Do you have a support network around you? Close friends, a partner or family in your life you can speak with about how you are feeling?

Do you do any form of physical exercise or outdoor activities? These are also really helpful strategies to boost the happy hormones in our body and combat depression.

[Petal22]

Hi Kitty42,

Wellcome to our forums.

Im sorry you are experiencing this.

I also went through something similar, I had very severe anxiety and I was also having really horrible distressing intrusive thoughts.

Some of these intrusive thoughts and images where of suicide which was something that felt so foreign to me because this was something I didn’t want to do but the thoughts and images that where playing over and over again in my mind absolutely terrified me.

I was also experiencing other intrusive distressing thoughts that would send my anxiety into overdrive thoughts that felt very foreign to me they went against all of my values as a person they made me feel terrible and terrified.

I had alot of what if questions that went with these thoughts…..

With what I was experiencing I thought I was going crazy and I thought I needed to be admitted to the hospital due to the thoughts I was experiencing.

I seeked professional help for what I was experiencing and I was diagnosed with OCD Obsessive Compulsive Disorder this disorder bought me to my knees but it was a disorder that was very treatable and I’ve now mastered my OCD.

Please ask me any questions

[Kitty42]

Hi Petal22,

I found your message really inspiring. I'm so sorry you went through all of that, but am happy to hear that you are dealing so well with your condition now. I have not yet been diagnosed formally with anything other than depression and anxiety, and I think I'm really afraid of what the results may be. I was seeing a psychologist for 3 years... but I don't really think he helped much. I am really trying to make it through the next week or so as I have an appointment with my GP to get a referral. Hopefully seeing a psychologist will help me a little bit.. but I also fear what might come of it. If you don't mind me asking, how did you cope with finding out that you have OCD?

[Kitty42]

Hi Banksy92,

Thank you for your reply.

I was seeing a psychologist for about 3 years before I turned 18 and my mother would no longer pay for the sessions. I don't really think that he helped me manage my problems, but it was nice having someone to talk to. I have an appointment with my GP next week to discuss getting a referral for a psychologist.

My only real hobbies are reading and recreational drugs to be honest.. and when I hit points this low in my life, picking up a book and reading even just a page becomes the biggest struggle.

I do have a very loving boyfriend who has been by my side for a year now, but he struggles a lot with his own problems. Sometimes it can be really hard to talk to him about all the negatives going on in my head, because I don't want to add any stress and negativity onto him. In fact I struggle to talk to anyone about my problems for this exact reason. I was also raised by a narcissistic mother who has always made any of my problems seem insignificant compared to hers, teaching me from a young age that no one really cares about what I'm feeling.

I must admit, I don't exercise as much as I should, but I don't really have a lot of interest in many sports. I have been thinking about joining a recreational club of some description, just to allow myself some socialization opportunities, as well as the obvious health benefits. Are there any sports that you are passionate about, or that you believe are a good way to meet people and have fun?

Again, thank you for taking the time to read my post and reply. It really means the world to me

[Petal22]

Hi Kitty42,

Thank you, Im glad that my message helped you in some way and that you found it inspiring.

When I was undiagnosed I really felt like my internal world was out of control the thoughts where really unrelenting I would have done absolutely anything to make them stop it really was a marathon of a journey to endure.

I found some days really hard to function due to the intrusive thoughts and distress I was feeling I couldn’t eat and I was waking through out the night it was horrendous.

But fast forward into my journey I knew I couldn’t keep living this way I needed help and it wasn’t something I could endure alone.

Initially I saw a gp who put me on a antidepressant to help with my anxiety I also saw a clinical psychologist and a psychiatrist the psychiatrist diagnosed me with OCD, when my psychiatrist first told me my diagnosis of OCD I told my psychiatrist that I didn’t want it…… my psychiatrist told me well you have it.

It took me a little while to accept my diagnosis but once I accepted it I could then work on managing it and then mastering it.

My journey took me to a clinic that specialised in OCD and this is where I learned to master my OCD… it took time and perseverance to master the skills and tools I was taught but well worth it.

OCD challenged me in many ways but it has made me the person I am today I have gained so much growth and wisdom from my journey and I wouldn’t be who I am today without the challenges of OCD.

How did I cope? I learned to accept my diagnosis fully and I’ve never looked back it’s actually become a blessing for me. It took me on an amazing journey and I’ve met some remarkable health professionals who helped me.

Please seek the help you need if you see a clinical psychologist they can diagnose or a psychiatrist a normal psychologist can’t diagnose.

Please ask me anything

[Marymag]

Oh please don't ever think your taking someone elses spot, you are worthy of help and just as entitled to a hospital bed as anyone else

[Chris_Tas]

Yes you should be.

No shame onat, it's a courageous decision.