Self harm

[Amelie1234_5678]

I have been self harming for many years but this year has been the worst, it started when I was first got SA.

im just wondering if anyone has any advice on how I can try and stop harming myself 

the longest I have gone without doing it was 19months but that was a while ago now I feel like I do it all the time 

I need to stop doing it but im finding it hard

[Amelie1234_5678]

I just feel empty and lost I don’t know what im doing anymore 

why do I feel this way and why have I for so long 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

It's really sad how we can feel like the way you have felt this way for so long.

I've been here 13 years and am 70yo. I endured mental illness, bipolar, depression and so on for 53years without diagnosis nor medication. So from what I've learned here is the process to undertake-

• A GP visit to your doctor to have a gentle chat and take their advice 
• Accept that treatment is essential if needed and also accept that the treatment often is life changing for the better. You wont know yourself if that happens, it can wipe most of your present struggles away. The difference can be chalk and cheese.
• Think about your hobbies, sports and interests. Do you have any? They are important to distract us from that emptiness.
• We are here for you.

I hope that helps. If you want to reply and give us more information feel free. I'm interested.

TonyWK

[smallwolf]

hello and welcome,

you asked if "anyone has any advice on how I can try and stop harming myself"

there is an app that I use called "Calm Harm". I think that is was/is originally aimed at young people, but here I am in my mid 50s and use it. Go figure. But it is a really good app. At least I think so.

I don't know if apps are something you have tried or not.

Outside of that I also have a rubberband that I can play with.

Listening...

[Amelie1234_5678]

I found out that my grandmother who I thought cared about me said Iv never been so disappointed in a grandchild in my entire life 

that’s because her daughter is my bio mum and I stoped living with her about 7 weeks ago because she abused me 

I would defend my grandmother when my family talked bad about her 

now she is saying she has never been so disappointed in a grandchild 

I went to work after I found that out 

I’m having some really bad thoughts and I don’t know what to do 

If anyone has any suggestions on what I can do please share them because I’m so lost and hurt 

[Croix]

Dear Amelie1234_5678~

Welcome here to hte Forum - I'm sorry for you loss. To find that person you loved says such a horrible thing about you does make you question if that love was ever returned.

I found this out when I was disinherited by my parents after I did something that went against their wishes (married someone they did not approve of). At that moment I realized that  I'd always assumed they loved me - but it was simply not true.

Not the sort of thing that ever goes away, however it did teach me a most important thing, to not be like them, to be genuine, to care, to be a good parent.

OK, this makes you feel horrible, but I do have to say you are getting this second hand and have not heard it direct from your grandmother.  If it came via your bio mum she may well have distorted things, similarly she may have told your grandmother untruths abut you that led her to say what she is supposed to have said.

Can I suggest you talk with your grandmother to see what actually happened and her understanding of the situation. I doubt her daughter would have come out and said she abused you and that's why you left.

May I ask if you have anyone to support you, another member of the family or a friend perhaps? Facing this all by yourself is extra hard.

If you would like to come back here and say more that would be great

Croix

[therising]

Hi Amelie

I feel for you so much as you face what may feel like a heartbreaking betrayal regarding your grandmother, especially given how loyal you've been to her in the past. 

As Croix suggests, speaking to your grandmother will give you the facts when it comes to what's been said to her. It may be the chance to get to the truth of the matter while offering her your truth, not just your mother's version of events. It may help to clear things up.

Another thing to consider can involve looking at disappointment in a constructive way. For example, if your grandmother's belief is 'Loyalty to family no matter what', she may have appointed you the role of 'A child who is always loyal to their parent'. In the case of you having disconnected from your mum, your grandmother will have faced you dis-appointing yourself from that role she's given you. She will feel such a disappointment and that's something she needs to work through if she chooses to do so. What's most important, above all else, is that you no longer accept a role that's slowly destroying you. Sometimes, to evolve beyond a role that has been given to us (by others) is what can best serve us. There remains the possibility of losing those along the way who refuse to change their belief systems as we change ours.

It may help ease your mind to find out directly from your grandmother what the truth is. Whether what you're facing is her not yet seeing and feeling your perspective on things with your mum or her experiencing disappointment, what remains important is the role you now commit to. If the role you've appointed yourself is 'One who will no longer face the mentally disturbing, heartbreaking and soul destroying nature of abuse', you stick to that role and never disappoint yourself from it.❤️

[Amelie1234_5678]

It was my sister who told me aboht mg grandmother 

my grandmother is known for saying stuff like this and talking bad about others 

I am now safe and live with my Dad

i have two close friends but I still feel very alone 

I don’t know anyone who has been I guess disowned and it hurts a lot 

thank you so much for your response it made me feel less alone 

[Amelie1234_5678]

I hope I can speak with my grandmother soon but I can’t at the moment as it is an unsafe environment 

Thank you for your support it has helped a little bit 

[therising]

Hi Amelie

I'm glad to hear you have the support of your dad and your friends, something that will make a positive difference to you at such an emotionally challenging time.

Mixed emotions, when it comes to a family member, can be so incredibly tough. While I face such mixed emotions with a family member of my own (anger, disappointment, frustration, sadness, love etc), someone gave me advice that helped me make sense of it all. They said 'There's nothing wrong with loving someone while not liking them (elements of their nature) at the same time'. This is something that helped me separate a lot of my emotions. 'The things I love about you vs the things I don't like about you'. I've found it helped when it comes to continuing to love a person while learning to no longer tolerate abusive behaviour. It's definitely a learning process that is also good for developing a higher level of self esteem and self respect.