Self harm urges and giving in

[Ely_]

Hi,

I've been fighting not to self harm more lately as the urges are happening more often. Especially the last week. I have been struggling. I'm at the point now where I want to give in to the urge. I want the numbness. I want the relief. I don't want to fight it anymore.

I saw my abuser's daughter today and that has triggered me alot. I have PTSD and BPD.

I'm trying to distract myself, have been trying mindfulness.

I'm sick of not even being able to shower without wanting to hurt.

I'm so ashamed.

I feel weak and stupid.

[Ely_]

I am really struggling with my urges to SH. On Tuesday night I ended up in hospital from it. My thoughts are screaming at me to do more/worse. On Sunday my mum n aunt were talking about another aunt and my cousin who both died 2 years ago from suicide. They were saying how people like that don't think of the people they leave behind. Imo it was really ignorant of them and showed their lack of understanding. It really threw me and I haven't been able to think of anything except pain since.

I strongly believe that I shouldn't be here. I am a wreck, a burden, worthless and a waste of resources.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Ely72,

We are so sorry that you are having such a hard time right now. We can see that you are struggling with several different aspects of your life and its seems like it's getting hard to manage. It's understandable to be hurt with loved ones not understanding where you are coming from, particularly on such a touchy subject. We could imagine this could create a sense of deep rejection and pain. 

We have contacted you privately to offer you support and will also state some supports publically. 

We would strongly urge that in overwhelming moments you get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467). 

 If you would like some help finding mental health support, we would recommend that you get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals. 

You do not have to deal with your struggles alone, we are here to support you.
 

[Ely_]

I attempted again yesterday afternoon. I can't even do this properly. I feel like a burden. To my family, my support workers.

This Saturday is 1 year since my beautiful heart-dog passed away. We were going to release her ashes.at the beach that day.

My ex girlfriend is also going to be there. First time I have seen her since I left the house in Nov.

I am also terrified of the massive change coming. I am changing companies of support workers. There are only 3 out of my current team that I will miss being around. I have to meet all these new people.

I hope yesterday's event doesn't effect the training for the new companies and that they will still want to support me.

Coz yet again the universe is keeping me here until I have the chance to try again.

[Sophie_M]

Dear Ely72,

We’re so grateful to have you reach out to our community this morning and are so sorry to hear everything you have going on at the moment. Times like this can definitely get overwhelming . We hope that you find our forums to be a safe and supportive space to talk through your thoughts and feelings. Our community is here for you. 

We hope you know that there is always help available to you, whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors Beyond Blue (available 24/7/365 on 1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).
Keep checking back in with us whenever you feel up to it. 
 

[Ggrand]

Hello Lovely Ely,

I hope it’s okay to pop in and say hello...

I am deeply sorry to hear that you attempted to end your precious life....

The universe is a wonderful thing..keeping you here is because you are a precious soul and very much loved and needed here...

I also attempted a couple of times which landed me in hospital...and was very upset with myself for not doing it properly....the last time was a few years ago...and 6 weeks in a mental rehabilitation centre....which I hated at the time but I did learn that life is precious and we will have hurdles to overcome in life and that those hurdles do pass in time, with the proper professional health and of course our want of a more peaceful life...

I still struggling a lot with my mental health, but now I’m okay with that at most times, because I know that period of struggling will end and I will have a few good days that I can enjoy this beautiful universe...I sit outside a lot on my down days, the sun, the trees, the birds, the peaceful clouds drifting across the sky are the way I do mindfulness...I sometimes take and light a pretty scented candle with me...People, mainly my late husband put me into this horrid mental state I’m in..so now I turn to the universe for help in healing my broken soul....

I am nearly double your age lovely Ely..it does matter how old we are..mental health can strike us down..when it wants to...Ely..mental health usually revolves around our thoughts and negativity...We can turn those thoughts into positive thoughts...Thoughts are just thoughts and we don’t have to act on them...Our mental health thoughts don’t have to define us...We are much better then them...We have the power within us to ignore our thoughts and turn them around into something beautiful and peaceful..No beautiful Ely..it’s not easy..but so much worth the energy to try....

The universe has kept you here for a reason, it needs you...and so do we..

Sending you a gentle warm and very caring hug beautiful Ely...

Grandy..

[Ely_]

Hi Grandy,

Thanks for your reply. I guess when I am like this I can't see beauty.

I have just gotten home from the hospital. Mental health team are calling me tonight and tomorrow.

I have a very busy few days ahead of me. I am thinking about delaying the release of Ella's ashes for a bit. But maybe it's better to rip the bandaid off and get it done...

I hate my brain and how it works.

[Aaronsis]

Hi Ely

Firstly huge warm hugs to you, this must be the hardest of days for you as you sit on the other side of an attempt.

I want to say that I am so grateful that you have come back to chat here and to share with us what happened the other day and how you are coping, or not. I have no idea how hard this must be but I am here with you, on this journey with you and to let you know that while I don't get to posting as often as I like, I am here with you.

The passing of Ella was huge for you and your coping through those days/weeks/months was so very commendable, it was just devastating and you managed so well. Then there was the break up with Lee and also how your family responded to that, another really tough time. I just wanted to point out to you that you have had so very much going on and that all this on top of battling with mental health is a huge credit to you.

Sometimes while we do look back and see the pain, we must also acknowledge the steps taken and you Ely have really made some great steps forward. There were times here when I remember feeling so happy and so excited at how well you mentioned you were going, this times will come again, although it does not seem like it now, they are very possible.

You still have some healing to do with Ella, in fact the healing will be forever as you live with her passing. Just like any grief we just work with it each day, it never really goes away I find. I am hoping for you that after you have release Ella's ashes that you will feel some freedom and some closure and that will help with the healing process. Yes, it will be very hard but also a part of saying farewell to her and showing your love.

Keep chatting here Ely, keep letting us know how you are going and please use your resources to stay safe, to stay with us and to see that things can get better. You matter so much, these are not just words but truths, you do matter and deserve the time to get your wellness in check.

Chat to you soon my friend and huge hugs for you.

Hope today is better for you.

Hugs

Sarah xxxx

[Ely_]

Hi Sarah,

Your words mean a lot to me. There has been a lot happen in the last 15 months. And despite my efforts, I am still here. Maybe there is a reason, maybe there isn't. I'm not sure if I care enough right now. I know that I will come out of this low, especially as I'm still recovering. I see my psychiatrist tomorrow. It will be interesting to see what she says.

Today I have a big day. I have a financial appointment at 11.30, which I'm thinking about rescheduling, and I have a 2 hour training session from 1pm for the 2 new support companies. My counsellor and I are preparing all the materials and stuff today.

I am really worried that my attempt will make the new companies pull out. I don't know if they are aware of it, and if not, if I should tell them. I've sent an email to my support coordinator for her advice and will talk to my counsellor about it as well.

Emotionally at the moment I am feeling very fragile, so I think I will delay spreading Ella's ashes. I told my sister I was thinking about not doing it this weekend, and she asked if it was better to just get it over and done. That is what I have been thinking too. But I also don't think I can handle it if Leeann says something that triggers me. Which has a high probability of happening.

I am glad these forums are available to us. I find it good to get the words/thoughts out, and I don't feel quite so alone.

[Aaronsis]

Hello my friend

I am so glad to hear that you feel supported here and that my words mean something to you. I am glad that you can feel the care and the support we have for you here. We do care, and you are doing such a great job Ely in such a really hard time and I really want you to know that I am so very proud of you, what you are going through is not easy, in fact it is damn hard and I think you are so brave.

You are so right, that despite your efforts you are still here, I would like to think there is a reason too, maybe the reason is that you are helping others here by sharing your day, your pain and your efforts to make it through each painful experience and you are helping them. People who we don't know and will never know but who are here on this journey with us and can relate to what you are going through and feel hope.

I am wondering how your appointments went today, or if you rescheduled? I am not sure that anyone needs to know about your attempt, it does not define you, it is not who you are and you are. You do have a team of other people who help you in this space and that is your personal business. Sometimes it is required to let people know of these situations, other times not. I hope you have been able to have a conversation with your counsellor about this.

I hear how fragile you are and I am not sure what to say about Ella's ashes other than "only you know". I agree that marking her passing and spreading her ashes does give you closure and the ability to move to the next part of the grieving phase, however if you are not ready to do that it could make things very much worse for you. Maybe you don't plan it, maybe one day you just wake up and you think "we are doing it now!". Sometimes the waiting and the anticipation is worse than the event itself. Ultimately at the end of the day you need to make the best choice for you, not anyone else.

I am also grateful for the forums Ely, not only do they help me and have helped me so enormously in the past, but I get to reach out to people too, and return some of the love and support that was afforded to me in my time of grief and pain. I am so proud of you and anytime you feel you don't know what to feel..we are here.

Hugs

Sarah xx

[Ely_]

We spread Ella's ashes on Saturday. Ever since I've been spinning between overwhelming emotion and numb emptiness. I guess that's my bpd playing havoc. It was very confusing having my ex there as well. We barely spoke, which I think is for the best, but she has texted me a couple of times thanking me and with pics of the cats. I haven't responded because I don't want to encourage her. Is that rude?

I'm not actively suicidal anymore, but I wouldn't run from death. I would welcome an end to my pain. And to the pain I've put so many people through.

The training for the new companies the other day went surprisingly well. I met 3 of the new support workers. 2 seemed really nice, one maybe a little bossy, but we'll see. Time will tell. I have a meeting tomorrow with the manager to finalise paperwork.

It feels like everything is changing, and I'm terrified.