Self harm urges and giving in

[Ely_]

Hi,

I've been fighting not to self harm more lately as the urges are happening more often. Especially the last week. I have been struggling. I'm at the point now where I want to give in to the urge. I want the numbness. I want the relief. I don't want to fight it anymore.

I saw my abuser's daughter today and that has triggered me alot. I have PTSD and BPD.

I'm trying to distract myself, have been trying mindfulness.

I'm sick of not even being able to shower without wanting to hurt.

I'm so ashamed.

I feel weak and stupid.

[Aaronsis]

Hey Ely

I am so sorry to hear that the past few weeks have been so tough for you. I wanted to check in to see how you are going and how the past week has been for you?
Mostly though I am really annoyed on your behalf that the very reason that you have supports in place was made available to you, and that was the knowledge of the safe numbers. That was really sloppy on their behalf and I feel so angry that this happened. I can hear how hard you tried and I am so proud of you for that, for doing whatever you could to distract and to avoid. Believe it or not I do understand what you mean when you say relieved that you didn't have the cloud hanging over you as to when, like you ticked the box and you could move on with the day, even though the SH was there, the pressure to was now gone. I know you try so hard to resist and I also hear how much guilt you have when you do SH and I am sorry this is so damn emotional for you and that you have to go through this. I think you are so brave though in the amount you try and all the things you do put in place to protect and prevent, it is so strong of you Ely so please try to see how hard you are trying as I can.

I am hoping that little Ruby is giving you some moments of pure joy and some time to feel good and maybe even time to laugh.

I am also wondering how your appointment went and if you are happy with the outcome and if they indeed made some changes as you expected they would?

I hope that your sister is ok from her surgery too.

Looking forward to hearing from you and hugs to little Ruby too xx

Sarah xx

[Ely_]

Hi Sarah

My psychiatrist appointment was more intense than even I expected. I have been moved to daily dispensing of medications and she is weaning me off 2 prn's. One of which she is replacing with something else which I will have available twice a week instead of twice a day for the prn's I was on. So some massive changes starting with Monday's medications.

It's very scary and overwhelming and I sh'd quite badly the day after my psych appointment. I managed to delay it for a while but eventually the urges got the better of me. If it wasn't for my dog Aspen bumping me I probably would have continued.

Ruby has brought a little frustration, but mostly a lot of laughter and joy to my life. She has tripled in weight since I got her so is doing really well and reaching her milestones. She has some serious sassitude... and loves to type on my keyboard, whether laptop or phone lol.

This week uni started back so it's been good having another distraction. I've already finished my coding assignment (due in 4 weeks). I'm starting my UX Design assignment this week. User Design is a lot more theory based to start with, which I struggle with more, so I am going to have to spend more time on it than coding.

I'm supposed to have a pain clinic appointment in Brisbane in early August and they keep not emailing me the letter, so I can't book the flights or anything. It's so frustrating and I hate making phone calls which I need to to get them to send it again.

I am still without day time supports. I am unsure when that will start up. Hopefully sooner rather than later.

I had to remove one lady from my support team as she told me TMI about her personal health, I asked her manager to have a quiet word to her about it being uncomfortable for me, and then she confronted me (huge trigger) about it. She probably didn't consider it confrontation, she probably just wanted to find out what exactly she'd done, but to me it was confrontation and I asked her not to continue the conversation twice and she still did. So I have asked not to have her back. It's a shame coz she was a lovely lady.

I have a new SW tonight, I met her on Thursday afternoon for a half hour or so. She seems nice enough. See how tonight goes, at least it's only a short shift.

Anyway, I have to go get ready to pick up my meds. It was nice to hear from you Sarah.

Oh and my counsellor has told me to start noticing and counting my successes more, so there's that too. Hopefully I'll remember....lol

Ely

[Aaronsis]

Hey Ely

That is a really important thing to remember.. to acknowledge and be grateful for the blessings in our lives and the things that are good at and the small wins… such a simple thing but easily overlooked and forgotten. Thank you for the reminder… I need to do more of it too.

Your post has some big positives and I am so happy to hear that you do have some things that are going well… I had to laugh about Ruby as having three cats I know the frustration of a new kitten.. lol.. but yes the joy far out weighs it but the can still push our buttons.. bless xx

It sounds like Uni is ramping up for you which is good and that you are managing that well, I was really happy to read that. The User Design component even by name sounds full on but you are an intelligent human Ely and I believe you can get on top of that subject too.

Sorry that your appointment was so overwhelming and that it challenged your ability to keep safe. Your ability to try distraction and try to hold off and do what you can is very positive and I do hear how hard you try and you must know that too. I am proud you put as much in place for as long as you can, I really cannot know of the struggle that you fight other this but I hear how hard you fight and I am proud of you.

Urggghhh missing the cues to stop… I am referring to the SW that wanted to over share and could not see her talking was bothering you. So very frustrating and even more so that you asked her to stop and she still continued… I am not sure what to make of that… so many questions…

well I am off to watch some cheesy tv with farmer wants a wife… yep.. hooked! But easy watching.

chat soon my friend and huge hugs to you.

Sarah

[Ely_]

I am emotionally blocked at the moment. It's been such an overwhelming shocking week...

My sister's boyfriend has pleaded guilty to charges that are quite triggering. Not against her, from his past. He has hidden the court process over the last year or so from my sister and his mother. He is now in prison, where he belongs. It's all extremely messy, with a lot of lies from him and my sister to our family.

Apart from the obvious wanting to make sure my sister's kids are ok and that she is ok, I was so angry. That she would put her kids through this bs again. We warned her that he was no good, but we of course didn't expect this. I just wish she would prioritise the kids.

Most of all I have found that I have had a lot of urges and ideations in the last week increase. My head and my heart hurt from thinking of the past and I'm just sick of remembering and all the what ifs. Him being taken to court has made me think about what if I had taken or did take others to task for what they have done? But I don't have the strength for anything like that.

I don't know how much longer I can fight myself. It seems like I just keep getting battered by storms, smashed in the face. I can't win.

[Ely_]

I don't know what to do. I feel lost and betrayed. My urges are intense. I had just increased my support hours a couple of weeks ago, especially leading up to Christmas. As of Monday, I'm losing half my shifts though, because they have got a couple of new houses coming onto the books and one of the staff members on my team had surgery. I only have a small team, as my mental conditions make it hard for me to trust people. They did fine for like 6 weeks with 2 people. At the moment there is 3, without the worker who had surgery. They shouldn't take on new clients if they don't have the staff to cover them... I shouldn't have to suffer for that 😞

I feel selfish when I say that, but it is what I need.

I don't know what I'm going to do. In two weeks I'll be seeing my ex-partner and also someone who is a major trigger from my past. Unfortunately they will be at Christmas lunch. My family is weird... There's no way I can get out of it. I have a support worker attending with me.

I feel absolutely shattered. I don't know if I can do this. How am I going to get through this? I have one appointment left each with my counsellor and Psychologist this week, then nothing until the 2nd week of January. So, the exact time when I need my SW's more, is when I'm losing them. I expected to have some shifts lost over Christmas, but not for 4 weeks... Why does every company do this? None of them get it.

I wish it could all just be over. I don't want to feel anymore. I wish there was a switch in my brain that I could switch off for a while. I'm tired of fighting. It hurts. It hurts to always be the nice one. The accommodating one. The easy one. The walkover.

Why???

[Sophie_M]

Hi Ely72,

We are sorry to hear that you feel so lost and betrayed and that your urges are so intense right now. We understand this must be such a hard time for you, especially with the loss of shifts and not being able to see your Counsellor or Psychologist until January. Please know that you never have to go through this alone, and support is always here for you.

If you would like to talk to someone, the Beyond Blue Support Service is available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals.

We also strongly urge that in overwhelming moments you get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

Please feel free to keep reaching out here on your thread whenever you feel up to it.

[mmMekitty]

Hi Ely72,

I haven't read through the entire thread -you've been struggling for a long time. I'm glad you have found people here to talk to.

I realise, I cannot promise I will definitely be around all through the next several weeks, but I want to. Like you, my Psychiatrist will be taking his long break soon, & I won't see him until mid January, too.

He does this every year, I know, but I always feel apprehensive, and my level of anxiety rises, & I fear slipping into depression, while he is away. Any breaks he has are a particular issue for me, but even knowing I get through these breaks, I still feel so vulnerable.

That was my initial reason for joining BB - for the sense I would have some support while I was feeling more vulnerable than usual for one of his upcoming short breaks. & these forums have been marvellous for me.

I can only say, I will try,

*

I have some questions:

Why do you feel you have no choice but to go to the Xmas lunch, where you know you will encounter people who make you feel so uncomfortable, or even trigger you?

Why do you feel so obliged to go, when going means you are putting your own welfare at risk?

Have you had a support worker with you when you've gone to visit family or your ex, before,& how was that?

*

I hope you can keep posting, because I'm sure others are listening.

Just thinking, how you have gone to see them - I don't think I could have, but you, you must have a lot of inner strength. I'd rather you didn't do things that distressed you so much, though.😺

mmMekitty

[Ely_]

Hi mmMekitty,

I have seen my ex once since we broke up last year. I was supported at the time by a worker. We were together for 13 years, so my family still maintains contact with her. Even though they know it is detrimental to me. It was incredibly toxic at the end unfortunately.

There is no getting out of lunch. I don't want to let my mother down. I already have disappointed her by not attending a couple of pre-Christmas events, one with the same trigger person tomorrow as will be at Christmas Day lunch.

I am really struggling with the intensity of my urges. It's unusual in that they are coming and going. Fluctuating. I am trying to distract myself. And trying to think of the impact of any harm on those around me. I have tried my dbt tools. They have not helped. My sensory and grounding strategies have also not worked tonight.

I feel uncomfortable talking on the phone, so hesitate to reach out that way to anyone. I tried an online chat earlier but they just said to talk to my counsellor on Tuesday. Why ask for help for now if I get told nope you're getting help elsewhere, bye.

I have tried all my strategies. Nothing is helping. All my safety plans have always said, and so has MH, to call or reach out. I do and get told nope wait til you see your counsellor. What is the point even asking... I should just give in. I want to.

[mmMekitty]

Hi Ely72. & Summerinvincible, both of you,

I understand this will be very difficult, but if you feel in immediate danger of hurting yourself you need to call 000. No joke, this is serious.

[Ely_]

Hi everyone. I'm not sure if you are still around, Aaronsis, Ecomama, Smallwolf, Tayla & others who were kind enough to post, comment and support. Plus I can't remember how to tag people. 

I know it has been a long time since I've posted on the forums at all, but a very long time since this discussion. I wanted to come on and give a brief update tonight if that's okay. And to thank all of you for the support along the way. 

General life updates first i guess. Still living on my own, first time I've felt successful at supporting myself in any way. Nearly three years in, happy with that. The two dogs and cat have all grown, & love to stir each other up, and sometimes drive me up the wall, but in a good way really. I was still doing my uni degree, but have taken this term off to continue work on, and focus more on the progress I've been making recently/this year with my mental health. It has been nearly 10 months since my ex-gf last contacted me, & I am so relieved! Although, her continued contact with my family, which some of them seem to think it's necessary to lie to me about, is frustrating sometimes. What family I have that I care about are doing well, the rest I am again trying to limit contact with. They continue to not try to understand me or my health, so I am now at a point where I've accepted that those relationships cannot ever be what I wish, and it's healthier for me to not try, and to not have contact. 

I have been able to get to a point now where it has been, I think 2 years or so since I last attempted. Although there are still times where the thoughts turn to urges or plans (occasionally), I am able to delay, distract and ground until I can either get past/through any triggers, or talk to my therapy team. I am also glad that instead of harming myself multiple times a day or week and ending up at ED for medical care, this year I haven't needed ED at all & there have only been a handful of times I have harmed (although some may consider eating disorder's harming behaviour, I do not, as the way my ARFID presents is mostly through lack of attention to my body and restricted safe foods).

This year has been very much around self-discovery, more inward than before. Part of that has included exploring my dissociative tendencies and experiences, along with starting to timeline what I remember of my past. It's like my brain has come awake/alive out of a fog, but then I sink back into a greyness, through a greyness. At the moment I don't know much, but with the help & support of my team am looking into dissociative disorders. It's all very overwhelming & confusing, but validating at the same time that my team are so supportive, haven't dismissed me, and are reassuring me that I'm not crazy/imaginative. I don't know that I want to go into any specifics right now, maybe one day, not sure. 

Mainly just wanted to say thank you to anyone who reached out, commented, etc on this or another of my discussions, and to update as well. Also for anyone who happens to read this and be/feel in any way like I have... 

I won't do the trite thing and say 'see there is hope....blah blah blah.' as that would not have helped me, it probably would have just pissed me off tbh. I will say though that even though I still have times, and even days at a time, where I wish I had succeeded, and that I wasn't here, I'm so glad that I am still here. I have been able to do so much that I thought I wouldn't. I have a beautiful family with my dogs & cat. I've been able to continue studying at uni, and it certainly helps that it's a subject I love. Most of all, I'm feeling again. Not just the so-called 'good' emotions, but many different emotions, and I'm getting better at recognising what they are & why they're there. I'm grateful, as I spent so long being completely numb, without any break. Although it's been extremely challenging, building trust and communicating with my therapy team has helped me in more ways than I can articulate. 

Anyways, so much for my 'brief update'... lol.

Hope everyone is having an ok, if not good, day/night!

Ely

🖤

aaronsis - sarah
ecomama
smallwolf