Self harm urges and giving in

[Ely_]

Hi,

I've been fighting not to self harm more lately as the urges are happening more often. Especially the last week. I have been struggling. I'm at the point now where I want to give in to the urge. I want the numbness. I want the relief. I don't want to fight it anymore.

I saw my abuser's daughter today and that has triggered me alot. I have PTSD and BPD.

I'm trying to distract myself, have been trying mindfulness.

I'm sick of not even being able to shower without wanting to hurt.

I'm so ashamed.

I feel weak and stupid.

[Aaronsis]

Hi Ely

I am proud of you for being able to spread Ella's ashes and being able to give her a farewell. It must have been so hard for you and on top of the emotion of saying goodbye but having Lee there too. I am glad that you were both able to do this together and that there was not an issue which makes things much easier on you both. I don't think it is rude at all not to communicate with her. That is just my opinion though. You shared the love of a dog together and you have honoured Ella with a farewell, the relationship between you and Lee has ceased and there is no need to communicate if you feel it is too much for you or sends her the wrong message. In saying that though you have been through alot together and if she did reach out to check on your wellbeing I think it would be good to let her know how you are doing. No message might cause her to worry. Other casual conversations and chit chat maybe you can leave but I think it is important if she asks about how you are feeling to respond.

I am so beyond happy and so hugely proud of you, I just felt so happy for you when you wrote that you are not actively suicidal anymore. This is a huge acknowledgement and you should feel so proud of the work you have done and the effort you have put into your wellness Ely. Welcoming an end to the pain is also very positive in that you can separate the two and that they don't have to be linked or that one leads to the other, for both you or your family or your friends. As you can start to see that there are better days and there are things to look forward to that there can be pain free days too. You are very right in saying time will tell. I know you said that about your training and that is great to hear that is going well, but time is what it is going to take, and persistence and a great attitude and you have all of this from what I can read in your posts.

Yes things are changing and while I can hear how terrified you are, it is a feeling, and you are noticing change and you are feeling change. As you sit with these changes and see the good and that things are coming together for you the fear will lessen as you move into the "new". Change is scary and the thoughts of the unknown are too. I think though you have been through so much more scarier times Ely and that this is now your time to embrace the changes that are seeming to be so bright and so positive.

I am so proud of you and hope you are feeling OK today around Ella's ashes, this too will take time.

Hugs

Sarah

[Ely_]

2 weeks. I have 2 weeks until my supports change completely and abruptly. It is scaring me so much that the only way I have found to sufficiently calm myself is to SH. The only thing stopping me from doing it at the moment is that the support worker coming on tonight won't handle it very well. I had no one for the day shift today, they just didn't fill it. Didn't bother. I don't matter to the company anymore now I'm leaving. I'm just a number. To management I always was. She (the manager) blamed me for two staff leaving the team because of my ideations, when actually they left the company for personal life reasons.

I wish I could redo 2020. I would get off those medications earlier. I would spend more time with Ella.

[Sophie_M]

Dear Ely72, 

We're so sorry to hear that your supports will be changing completely and abruptly and that you are feeling quite scared at the moment. It sounds like you're feeling quite distressed over the support worker business. We're glad that you've come to the forums to speak about how you're feeling. We hope the support that you receive on here makes you feel that little bit better. It might be an idea to come up with an action plan on how to best support yourself in two weeks time.

It is important that you surround yourself with professional support given the abrupt change and its impact on you, which is completely understandable. We're wondering, do you have much professional support around you? If not, might it be a good time to book in with your GP?

Please remember that you can always contact our support service who can offer support, advice and referrals. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport. 

We're glad to hear that you're not going to act on your thoughts of self-harm. If your urges in this area become worse and overwhelming, please do consider contacting crisis support services such as Lifeline (13 11 14) or Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467). Otherwise, please do continue to post on this thread/forum as you see fit. We won't be going away anytime soon. 

[Aaronsis]

Hey Ely

I wanted to stop in today to see how you are feeling and to chat about your support and how it is going to be changing. I can hear how terrifying this is for you and how scary this must feel, it is the unknown and as humans we are naturally cautious and frightened of the unknown. I think this is especially tough for you too when what is changing you rely so heavily on. However the bottom line is that it is changing so we don't have a choice about that, that is a fact. So what can we do with this information? I can tell you some things that I feel about this situation and I am not sure if they will help or if infact they will frustrate you, I am hoping the first but apologies if I miss the mark here.

See when things are out of our control and there is nothing we can do there are two choices really, fight it or accept it. I like to choose acceptance and with that I ask myself some questions..."What if it actually goes very differently that I am thinking?".."What if in fact the change has been the best gift to me and turns out to be what I have needed all along?"...."Change is actually what I am wanting in my life so I need to accept that all parts can change to sometimes get a positive outcome, even the ones I am terrified of".

I hear you in that 2020 has brought some regrets for you in that you wish you had of spent more time with Ella. I think no matter what the year looked like and how many moments that you did spend with her you will want more, that is totally natural as you loved her so very much. The thing is that you will have those beautiful memories for ever and essentially you can be with her in your heart every moment of every day as that is where she lives now and will forever more. I have tried to put my brother in this space and feel like I have access to loving and missing him everyday as he is just there is my heart, I am not sure if this sounds like something to consider for Ella too?

Also I think as humans we do fall back on "hindsight", and think about how we would have done things differently, if only we had the option to do that, go back in time and "fix it"..however I think that we make the best choices that we can with what information and what the day presents, we try to get through the best we can on that day and looking back we sometimes beat ourselves up that we did not do things differently...but to be fair and to be real..we did the best we could and that is nothing to be regretful about.

Hugs to you my friend

Sarah xx

[Ely_]

Hi all,

I have ended up in hospital/icu for the last two days.

I have had to change my support company. It has been a real challenge to adapt to soooooo many new people this last week or so.

Plus my ex texted me late last week. She has been using someone else's Facebook to 'check on how I'm travelling'. I feel betrayed and violated. I have already blocked her on everything. I hadn't blocked her on my phone messages because we released Ella's ashes not long ago and she was ok afterwards so I forgot to block her.

She is clearly regretting her decision to split up and act like such a horrible person to me. She said she still wants to be friends and more. But every time we talk it turns into me feeling like she is manipulating me.

Feel so bad right now.

[Aaronsis]

Hi Ely

I am so happy to hear that you were at the hospital and were safe, I hope that you are ok now and that you have been able to return home and that you are feeling alright. I am so sorry that things have been so bad that you have ended up in ICU, that is tough but I am so happy that you had some support and some medical support too.

I know how hard it is for you when support changes and new people come and go and then having to start from the start with how things are for you, it must be so very exhausting and overwhelming. To have to manage so many new people would be hard for you Ely and I am so sorry this is all happening.

It must be hard in dealing with Lea and having her say to you that she is essentially spying on you and I understand that you would feel violated by this. I also understand though her need to check that you are ok, as you were and are a big part of her life, you have been through so much together and then in saying good bye to Ella too. I get she would be worried about you and need to know you are ok. I am sure though if she had a conversation with you and you came to an arrangement on how she can keep in touch with you from time to time as she may need this for her mental health too. Maybe it is via text and as long as she is only texting and that she is only asking about your wellbeing maybe that might be ok for you? That way if she is only knowing information that you are willing to share with her that limits her ability to be manipulative as any form of advice or any other topic of conversation is off limits, it is meerly a welfare check if you like. I am not sure how you would feel about this but it would at least give you some comfort she is not spying on you. What do you think?

I am sorry you are feeling so bad Ely, you have really been on a rollercoaster with emotions. How are you feeling with regards to spreading Ella's ashes? I really hope that in doing this you have been able to get some peace.

Please keep chatting here, keep reaching out and doing everything you can to stay strong. I am so proud of you and things have been tough and yet you keep fighting. I am so proud.

Hugs to you

Sarah xx

[Ely_]

Hi Sarah,

With regards to Leeann's 'spying' on me, I don't think she would stick to just texting general information to see that I am okay. I put a post up on FB telling whoever is letting her use their account to remove themselves from my friends' list and I was correct in who it was as the cousin I suspected responded.

As far as I'm concerned, she has no right to know anything about me anymore. She broke it off. She wanted to break up... Yes her current living situation sucks, but I'm not going to let her guilt me into feeling bad for her, when she could quite easily get a job and improve her situation.

I got home from hospital yesterday. I had to buy a new safe for my medications. The old company has lost the backup keys for the old safe btw 😞 not happy... The new safe is one I can't break into. We're having a stakeholder's meeting on Tuesday to discuss procedures and strategies around medications and the safe so that both companies and I are on the same page. In the meantime, only my sister has the keys, so she has to come round every day to do my meds. Pain in the butt.

I have a new addition to my fur family now. A tuxedo kitten named Ruby Rose (Ruby for short). She has so much attitude already and is growing and thriving well for the runt of the litter that she was. She has put on over 160 g since I got her 2 weeks ago. She makes me laugh a lot. She is about 5 and a half weeks old, so still a little unsteady on her feet, but improving all the time. Apart from all the scratches on legs and hands, she's been wonderful. I have a cuddle kitty again 🙂

The new supports have been very overwhelming. I'm glad it was who was rostered on yesterday, as she is quieter and more easy going. Today's worker is a bit more full on and authoritative. Last night's was just loud and wouldn't shut up... I have to call the office of one of the companies today to get the roster for this week's night shifts. And I have to call the other company to find out if the new person tomorrow will be a buddy shift or not. I hope it will be.

I have a really big day today and it's making me super super anxious. I have GP, psychologist, farm group activities and I really need to clean my house, or at least organise it.

Anyway, I'm glad for these forums, so that I can get what's in my head out.

Ely

[Aaronsis]

Hey Ely

I understand what you mean about boundaries and that if you feel that Lea would not be able to respect that she could only text for welfare purposes then it is best not to allow any contact if that is what you want. You are also very right in saying that she no longer has the "right" to dictate how you feel or how you react. That yes, her life is now hers as is her choices and she can make choices in her life to better improve it. That by not doing so is no reflection on your and nor is it your concern. I do also get though that you do have history and while she may not always show it in a positive way she does care for you and would still like to know you are ok and to perhaps know how things are going for you. However you have to be alright with her asking YOU, and if you are not then that is fine too.

I hope that the safe situation has been resolved now, how very frustrating for you but I also wanted to mention how well you have managed this and put other things into place so as your medication can be administered as it is required to be, that is really great to hear and shows your dedication to you. Well done Ely.

My heart just exploded with happiness to hear all about Ruby...Ohhh myyyyy..is there anything in this world more adorable than a kitten? I also love that she has come to you as a runt, that clearly she needs a special person to take care of her and someone who knows how hard it is to fight, but to fight and to win. I feel like Ruby has found you for a reason Ely and that together you are just going to be an awesome team. I cannot wait to hear all about her. I have three cats so I will NEVER get sick of hearing about her. I hope she can pour so much love into you..I think she already is. I will tell you about how my friend came to get her kitten in my next post to you as I will run out of words in this one..lol

I am so pleased you do come here to get off your chest what you need to, to get some support and to let us know how you are doing, to let us ride this wave with you and to be a friend and a hand up when you need it. How did your day go on Wednesday?, I know you had heaps on your plate and had heaps to do, I hope that it is all done now and you can head into the weekend with some things to look forward to, like taking care of your new little floof. Do you have anything planned for the weekend?

Huge hugs to you as always Ely

Sarah xx

[Ely_]

Hi Sarah,

This last two weeks has been so tumultuous. We had two stakeholder's meetings and at the second one on Monday just gone, one of the support companies declared that they would withdraw their supports in favour of the other company taking those shifts when they can in maybe 4 weeks or so. The next morning, they sent in a cessation of service notice to my support coordinator. I decided that I don't want them here for the interim between now and the two weeks notice I gave them in my return notice, so cancelled all day supports for the time being. It's been 4 days now and the first two I handled really well, but yesterday was difficult and today I have majorly struggled.

My sister had her thyroid removed on Tuesday and so I had emergency respite nurses come do meds once a day Wed n Thurs. On Thurs they said the code for the keysafe that has the key for the med safe out loud. Well 3 of the 4 numbers. I did really well yesterday and didn't even try to work out the rest of the code. But today I broke and got into the safe. In turn I stuffed up. I don't know what to do. It was like the temptation was just too strong. Once it built to a certain point I just had to and once I had it open I again had to.

I tried using distraction, worked for a while. I used DBT skills for a while. Did housework. Played with Ruby and the dogs. Did some uni stuff.

Just the knowledge that I could kept rearing it's head and I couldn't fight it anymore.

Feel guilty at the same time as relieved. Guilty that I sh'd and did otherwise, angry at myself for giving in. Relieved that I don't have the cloud of when hanging over me.

I got a call from my psychiatrist's office yesterday to make sure I have support for my meeting on Tuesday. I know that MH dr's were writing to her to recommend ceasing the medication that helps reduce my sh frequency and severity.

Not feeling real good about everything atm.

Hope everyone's week went better than mine.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Ely72, 

We are really sorry to hear that you having such a tough time at the moment. It sounds like things are quite up in the air and uncertain and that can cause us to feel less in control of our mental health sometimes. What is great is that you are linked in with a treating team at that you will have a chance to chat to them in the next few days about how you feel. It is really brave of you to share this with us all here and we want to thank you for disaplying that courage. Someone might read your post and feel less alone in how they feel, thank you for making that a posibility. 

Having your sister having her own medical troubles at the same time must be really difficult as well, we want you to know that you are not alone and that we are here for you if you need us. 

We want to encrouage you to give us a call on 1300 22 4636 if you think you need to speak to someone before yo usee your Dr on the weekend. It can be difficult to reach out but our team are lovely, kind and helpful and we want to be there for you if you need us. You can also call our friends at Lifelin on 13 11 14 - they are great too. 

Please keep us updated on how you are feeling if you are comfortable, this community is keen to help you where we can. 

Kind regards, 
Sophie M