Self harm urges and giving in

[Ely_]

Hi,

I've been fighting not to self harm more lately as the urges are happening more often. Especially the last week. I have been struggling. I'm at the point now where I want to give in to the urge. I want the numbness. I want the relief. I don't want to fight it anymore.

I saw my abuser's daughter today and that has triggered me alot. I have PTSD and BPD.

I'm trying to distract myself, have been trying mindfulness.

I'm sick of not even being able to shower without wanting to hurt.

I'm so ashamed.

I feel weak and stupid.

[Guest_4643]

Hey Ely, lovely to hear from you. I'm really sorry you're going through so much, I wish I could do more. I hope you get some rest and some sleep.

I'm sorry you have no friends and your old so called "friends" ghosted you and you're so alone. They're obviously not good friends and people, and that's on them, not you. You don't need people like that.

I have no friends either and I'm also so alone. I wish I could be there for you more, including in person. But I'll do what I can. I'm your friend here, and I'm always here for you.

Please stay safe, and try to get some sleep.

[Aaronsis]

Hey Ely

It is really great to chat to you some more and I am so very proud of you for reaching out, the other night sounds really scary and I am proud of you. It is also wonderful that your sister is there to help care for you, that is exactly what she is doing, caring for you and even little things like helping you with meds and seeing you are ok is her showing her love to you.

I hear what you are saying with the SH and that it is the only way you get to feel, I understand that and I know it is something you have been working on so very hard. Please try not to think about when you do SH as you are "failing" or "letting your psych down", this sometimes makes the situation so much worse when you mind starts to then beat you up about it as well. I know you try so very hard to stop and I am proud of you for that, you keep trying and you keep on trying.

I hope today is better for you and there is one small thing to make you smile.

Here for you Ely.

Hugs

Sarah

[Ely_]

Hi Sarah and mb and all

I ended up hospitalised from tuesday to thursday. Back home and under 24hr care at the moment. So full on. Really anxious tonight about the support worker who is coming for the awake overnight shift.

I dont know if I will be able to relax enough to sleep. I have had all the medications I can today. Trying to use my sensory tools and stuff. I cant/wont do qnything since in 24 hr care. But the thoughts are so intrusive...

[Guest_4643]

Hey Ely.

I'm sorry you were hospitalised, I wish I could do more to support you. I hope you can relax and get some sleep. For me I try counting things such as Sheep to 100, then I move on to counting something else. Sometimes it helps with sleep, but I have Insomnia, so.

I'm sorry I can't do much, but I care and I'm here for you. Please don't harm yourself and stay safe, I know that may sound easier said than done, but we want you to be safe, you're loved and cared for, even from people off the forums.

[Ely_]

Hi all,

It's been a while. I have been up and down, but mostly above the dreaded line where I used to sit. I think this is due to new and increased medications, stable supports, and less triggers. I have gone back to uni this term, on campus with support. I didn't go this week as I can't wear a mask and live in qld. I have had one episode of sh resulting in the need for medical attention in the last 6 weeks, last Saturday. I am worried this will increase as I become more housebound over the next 2 weeks as a result of the need to wear masks when out of the home.

I know that I can go without a mask, as a result of my psychological and trauma issues. But I am worried about the looks I will get. I had to go to the store and chemist today on my own (first time out on my own in months) and people were staring at me the whole time. I'm used to people staring at me because of my scars, but this was more. I was just waiting for someone to say something. I have the exemption ruling thing saved on my phone so that I don't even need to verbally explain myself.

Anyway, I just thought I'd drop in and say hi.

Ely

[Ely_]

And just like that I'm back below the line. Why do I have to interact with people, ever. Why do I have to ever have thoughts and feelings..

They're too much. I hate my mind.

[Ely_]

Made it through the night without any issues. Didn't sleep much. Hasn't helped my mood. Tried to work on my uni assessment this morning. Tried to do some arty bead stuff. Tried rearranging my studio. Cleaned up under the house a bit...

Nothing is helping.

All I want is to escape. To run from these thoughts and feelings. Any way I can.

I can't stay focused on anything for long.

My supports don't seem to have picked up on it. I think I am just used to hiding it when I start going downhill more.

I don't know what to do.

I'm supposed to see my family tomorrow for Easter, and they don't even know about my latest hospital trip. There's no point telling them, they will only worry for no reason. There's nothing anyone can do about it. Not even me.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Ely,

It sounds like you've been really strong throughout this difficult period, trying different activities to help distract yourself. We're glad to hear that you made it through the night without issues.

We would encourage you to let your supports know how you've been feeling. You have mentioned earlier today that your stable supports are one of the key reasons why you've been mostly keeping above 'the line'.

Remember that alternative supports are also abailable to you 24/7 such as Lifeline on 13 11 14, or chat with them online 7pm-midnight AEDT - https://www.lifeline.org.au/crisis-chat/ 

Thank you for keeping us updated on how you're going.
 

[Guest_4593]

I'm feeling it.. iv been down for weeks. Tonight just an overwhelming desire to harm myself. Its in my head and now it's definitely not a panic attack.. but that thought of relief, my mine is on edge my breathing is up, i feel anxious or excited i don't know which . But the thought is there and my body is clearly telling me do it

[Guest_4643]

Hey Ely and Guest_4593. I'm sorry you're both struggling. Are you both safe?