Self harm urges and giving in

[Ely_]

Hi,

I've been fighting not to self harm more lately as the urges are happening more often. Especially the last week. I have been struggling. I'm at the point now where I want to give in to the urge. I want the numbness. I want the relief. I don't want to fight it anymore.

I saw my abuser's daughter today and that has triggered me alot. I have PTSD and BPD.

I'm trying to distract myself, have been trying mindfulness.

I'm sick of not even being able to shower without wanting to hurt.

I'm so ashamed.

I feel weak and stupid.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Ely72,

We're so sorry to hear what you've been through today, but we are glad to hear that you are safe right now. Please remember that there is help available to you 24/7 if you'd like to talk to someone right now about what you're going through. You are always welcome to get in touch with our Beyond Blue Support Service (1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467), and a friendly cousellor will be happy to talk through these feelings.
We hope that you keep checking back in and let us know how you are whenever you feel up to it.

[ecomama]

Ely72 are you home now?

How are you doing today? I hope you can check back in and let us know how you're doing.

Hugs
EM

[Ely_]

Hi EM,

Yeah I'm home. As expected it was a waste of time. I could have done what they did myself. They are calling Monday after the drs meetup. The ACT guy was a bit rude. Would ask me stuff then interrupt me. Did same to my partner on the phone. Was nice enough apart from that. He wants me to go back to the residential facility. I'm not sure. Really bad timing for starters with Ella n Uni. Why couldn't I hold off a few more weeks before losing control so much and so visibly.

[Aaronsis]

Hey Ely

Just reaching out to see how you are doing, sorry for the tardy reply but I have read your posts and hope that today is a brighter day for you, I am so very sorry that things escalated for you so badly the other day and that you felt not able to control the urges and the need to hurt yourself. As we know this is a journey and not something you choose and not something you are just able to shut off. I just want to say to you though that i am so glad that you come here to post and to share when things don't go as planned and that you do feel that here is a safe place for you, we are here for you and I hope that yesterday was ok and that today looks good too.

How are you going with the kids and helping your sister with the home schooling, I wish i had someone like you who was able to get them to do the work, it took me all of my energy this morning to just get Mr 15 out of bed and to even log on....it just starts fights and he gets frustrated, I am so looking forward to June 9!!!

How are your studies going this week? If you choose to go to the residential facility for awhile can you still do your studies? Also is it possible for Lea to take care of Ella and even maybe bring her to see you if you are in care? I hope you will think about this as it sounds like some extra support could be good.

Great to chat some more Ely and thinking of you and hope today is wonderful.

Once again sorry for the tardy reply.

Hugs as always

Sarah

[Ely_]

Hi Sarah,

I'm sorry you're having a hard time with the homeschooling. I have no clue if my sister has done any for hers last week or this. I wasn't up to helping. And now I have my arm bandaged up for a bit it makes it a bit challenging with the kids. I was back in ED last night. Turns out I damaged the edge of a nerve. I have spent all day wanting to do more damage. I've been distracting by doing uni work. My assignment is nearly done. Just hve to write a 400wd report n upload the files. Having a break from the pc for a bit atm.

Gotta keep distracted though...

Ella is looking more and more thin. I have to call around tomorrow and find out costs of options for after.

My plan tonight is to watch tv for an hr or two and then write my assignment report and submit it.

I am hoping that I can get through without sh today. That is my aim. Focus on just today for now.

Thx

Ely

[Sophie_M]

Hi Ely72,

We're so sorry to hear about yesterday and what you had to go through. That sounds like such an overwhelming experience. We have sent you a personal message just to check in with you and see if you feel like you might be needing some extra support right now.

It's wonderful to hear that you have a plan to keep safe tonight. Having this plan and distracting yourself from these urges is so important, so well done! We think you are so strong. It sounds like you're working hard on that assignment, we are all wishing you good luck. Feel free to check in here with us anytime you're feeling up to it.

 

[Aaronsis]

Hey Ely

Thank you for your support with the whole home schooling thing, I am really looking forward to June 9 and when the kids can be with their friends and back in the classroom. It is not so much the doing of the work that is hard, it is getting them to do it, keeping them motivated and I forget too..while I am in the office some days and get to have a change of scenery, they have been at home, no friends, no movies, no trips to the shops..so it has been super tough for them. I just wish they would compromise with me and do some if not all, just get it done and get it out of the way and then they can have the rest of the day to themselves. I am trying not to push hard but also don't want them to fall too far behind..anyway I am sure they will all be fine.

My heart breaks for you and I wish there was something I could say that would make a difference, to help you when you are feeling so drawn to harm, to actually have something real that can make a difference to you and to others who struggle with this too. That is really not good that you may have damaged a nerve, I hope that it heals ok and that there is nothing permanent that you have to suffer from there. I must say though I was so happy to read that you have been getting into your assignment, I am sure you have submitted it by now and that is awesome, that you have really immersed yourself in that and this time it did prove to be a good distraction and that it worked, that is wonderful and also good too that you are making your way through your course. Well done and this is certainly not an easy time for you so the fact you are still sticking with the studies is really a huge credit to you.

How is Ella today? It is so hard to have to go through all of this with a pet. I hope that your vet is supportive and helping you with what you need with support, they are usually pretty amazing people vets so I hope you have a good relationship with yours. It does make it hard too when there are costs involved and you have to struggle between what you want to do and what is best for them and also what you can afford, it is just a really hard time, my heart goes out to you.

I hope today is a good one for you Ely and I hope Lea is good too. I hope there is something wonderful to make you smile today my friend.

Hugs to you Ely

Sarah xx

[Ely_]

Hi Sarah

Today is the day. Ella will get her angelwings this afternoon. These waves of intense sadness and grief that come over me... I don't like them. But I know they're normal and it's ok.

I gave Lea my pills to lock away for the next few days just in case I get impulsive. I simply can't predict how I will be. It's safer to be sure.

I'm hoping it doesn't take too long for my NDIS plan to be approved so supports get in place. It will make it easier on Lea at least, make it less stressful for her when she goes to work on my bad days.

The vet is coming to our house to do it. It will be less stressful for Ella that way. And that way I don't have to deal with people etc. And I'm hoping our other dog will understand it better if he sees her after maybe. I'm not sure. Not sure of anything. Just hurting.Trying to hold it together. Took Ella for a drive with me to the shops last night. All these last things with her... breaking my heart.

Ely

[Aaronsis]

Hey Ely

Sending you my love and strength as you say goodbye to your gorgeous Ella today. It will be so very tough as you know but you are doing this for her and for her happiness so please try to be kind to yourself too. That is really beautiful that you can have the vet come to your house which is so much better for everyone and for Ella too, that is really great. I am so sorry Ely and I am just so proud of you for taking steps to stay safe in a time that you know you will be vulnerable and very sad.

Keep reminding yourself though that you are allowed to be sad and you can cry and you can feel downright lousy, this is not about depression or about negative thoughts, this is grief and saying good bye to your beautiful girl and you are allowed to feel, you are allowed to be sad and I know how bad it hurts but grief is very different to plain old depression so please be kind to you and allow yourself to feel this.

I will be thinking of you today Ely, and Lea too, she is so supportive and I am so glad you have her in your life.

Huge hugs to you my friend

Sarah xxxx

[Ely_]

She's gone. She's free. She's taken a piece of me.

I miss her so much it hurts to breathe.

Will it always be this painful? this raw?

In the end it was lovely and peaceful for her which was the main thing I wanted.

I just want that time back... All the times I spent in hospital over the last years for various things when I could have been at home with her.

It's unfair to take such a good dog from a good home.

She didn't deserve to get cancer.

At least she is free of it now. She can watch over us with her angelwings.