Not fitting in

[Biscuit73]

I'm 47 and have had difficulty my whole life in relating to other people. As long as I can remember this has been a major issue in my life and has resulted in low self esteem and subsequently depression to the point of a suicide attempt and repeated bouts of severe depression. I have undergone counseling without success. I have also done alot of research into my own behaviour and worked on issues which have developed from this low self esteem such as codependency and lack of assertiveness. I recently took nearly 5 months leave out of the work place where I found happiness within myself. As soon as I returned to the work the same problems returned. The happiest I have been was when I was in a relationship of 4 years which ended recently, which I believe was due to different values and a lack of boundaries. All things which should have been established in the early stages of the relationship and weren't due to my anxious attachment style. Now the relationship has ended the same depression has returned that i experience when I am alone. I have tried making new friends but struggle to make meaningful and close connections with people. I have tried being happy alone but feel worse. My social group is small and I often feel disrespected within the group also. I have tried being a loner and just spending time with my kids but still feelthe requirement for adult connection. I have also tried public speaking and researched books on how to make conversation. The positive thing is I am quite good at one on one chats with people in shorter doses.

The struggle I have with fitting in, I believe is due to my socially awkward personality. I have always been picked on by groups of people, particularly males both inside and outside of work. I have a INTJ type personality with sometimes poor social skills. I also, seem to slip onto the dyslexic scale whenever I do an online survey!! My terrible memory and slow witt makes me anxious often in social situations. The constant social hammering results in low self esteem and eventually depression. I stand up for myself but eventually submit as I get worn down.

Is there anyone else who can relate to this? If so how did you improve?

My solution to the problem is to start my own business where I work alone and work a lot less as I am financially secure and do not need to chase money to survive, atleast not for a while. During my time off I can work on being happy alone by taking advantage of my freedom.

Looking forward to feedback.

[JHT]

Hi mate I very much in ways have been in a similar situation as yourself. Ofcourse yes, it feels bad, I guess that's just our bodies way of telling us that it feels bad, nonetheless it's not a good feeling.

I too was able to start my own business which I'm very greatful for, because it has allowed me to find time in off days to relax and feel better. Ofcourse starting a business can be hard at the beginning with maybe not much clients but so long as you have some funds perhaps or arrangements so you can still get by while doing so in early stages, i support you mate.

I found that running my own business i found myself talking to more people which helped to be more quick socially. I very much feel the same way as you mate it's something I have suffered with my whole life and just try to do what I can with what I've got.

[JHT]

Maybe another thing you can look into is any local hobby groups, hobby clubs or meetup groups where it can help socialize and meet with people you have similar hobbies or interests with

[Biscuit73]

Thanks very much JHT. That very helpful to know there are others out there that have similar issues. I googled the crap out of the issue I posted about and found nothing helpful!! It is also, very reassuring to know you started a business atleast partly for the same reason I was thinking of doing so. I'm currently a fifo worker and putting my biccies away to allow for a period of low income. And yes the reasons you mentioned where it helped you socially I.e conversations with seeing different individuals throughout the day and ability to take time to yourself to relax, were the main reasons I wanted to work for myself. I find fifo can be horrible with isolation outside work hours and work place politics.

I was going to begin sport also, despite my regular absences from my home place.

cheers

[AnonymousID]

Humans are social beings and we struggle when we are isolated. I think you need to socialise. I'm still trying to figure things out myself. I used to be a very social person but something has triggered a fear of social situations. I'm working through it with a therapist. I believe I was social up until the moment I remembered childhood trauma and since then I have developed a series of fears. I'm hoping by talking about it and learning to move on that I will be able to be social again. Perhaps there is something causing fears in your past; a voice or series of memories casing your social phobia and low self esteem. I hope you are able to eventually find comfort and happiness in the people around you