My wife is threatening self harm, and I am part of the reason why

[Random_Nickname]

My wife of 7 years suffers from depression and anxiety. She has attempted self-harm on a number of occasions. I have had to physically prevent her from self harming.

She has a lot of stress in her life. She has a stressful job with a heavy workload and bosses who don't seem to understand just how stressed she is. She has ongoing problems with her family. She has ongoing health issues, including having lost 2 babies over the past 5 years. We also have problems of our own, and I will be completely honest about them.
We married in 2013 despite having already had fights. In 2011, early in our relationship, I went on a holiday to Europe I already had booked without her, and I was unfaithful while I was over there. (I am not proud if this at all, and yes I am aware of how wrong that was.) She knows about this and it often still does cause problems. I have also witheld my true feelings at times causing her to feel placated, like she can't make me happy, despite my insistence to the contrary. And I can be absent minded at times too, which doesn't help either.

She was diagnosed with depression and anxiety a few years ago, and has had some counselling, which often ended up becoming more about the issues with her family than her actual anxiety. As I said, there have been times when I have had to physically restrain her from self harming.
This evening a small spat over what to have for dinner turned into a full blown fight ending in her saying she wants to leave me so she can plan to end her life. Now, I freely acknowledge that my own stupid actions in the past have played a role in her feeling this way, and I accept responsibility for that. I try to lighten her stress by helping her out wherever possible.

We have had similar fights before. I try to talk to her about it but she is determined to believe life is not worth living. Anything I offer to show she has something to live for she will counter.
Besides more counselling (we don't have much money despite us both working full time, so I don't know how to make that happen) I am lost. Despite having been a less than perfect husband I care for her, I really do, and wish I knew what more I can do to help her. She seems ok for now, but doesn't want to talk to me at the moment, so I am keeping a respectful distance but being ready to intervene if I need to.

[Sophie_M]

Hi and welcome,

We're really sorry to hear that your partner has been in a dark place tonight. We understand that this can leave partners or carers feeling very helpless and not sure of how they can best assist their loved one.You sound like you are a very caring partner. Please know that you've come to a safe space to talk about what you are going through. Hopefully a few of our members will pop by over the next few days to welcome you and perhaps share some words of wisdom.

Always remember to call 000 (triple zero) if your partner becomes an immediate danger to herself.

You may ind some helpful advice on our page "Worried about someone suicidal"
https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/suicide-prevention/worried-about-someone-suicidal   It sounds like the two of you might be having trouble communicating when your partner is feeling this way. You might also find it interesting to take a look at our page"Talking to someone you are worried about" - https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/have-the-conversation/talking-to-someone-you-are-worried-a...

There is an organisation called Relationships Australia on 1300 364 277. They provide relationship services to support all people in Australia to achieve positive and respectful relationships. They may be able to offer you and your wife some support.

In the meantime, if you are feeling quite emotional or distressed, and need some support tonight, we would recommend that you call MensLine. MensLine Australia is a free 24/7 telephone and online counselling service for men with emotional health and relationship concerns. You can contact them on 1300 78 99 78 or https://mensline.org.au/ We hope that you keep checking back in with us to let us know how you are going, whenever you feel up to it.

[Croix]

Dear Random_Nickname~
I’d like to join Sophie_M in welcoming you here. Sophie’s recommendations are excellent and worth following up.

It can be easy to assume too much blame when a partner is so unhappy, this only puts you under even more stress by adding guilt to the mix. While your actions can have played a part your wife has had an awful lot of other things go wrong for her with family problems, losing two babies and other ongoing physical conditions.

Add to that a workplace that is not ideal, in fact it may be worse than that, plus of course a lingering worry over that trip around nine years ago

For a robust person these can come together and be just about impossible to cope with. In your wife’s case she has depression and anxiety as well.

These – and I can speak from personal experience – remove one’s ability to cope, makes one feel worthless and that there is no hope. It is sometimes just about impossible to bear these feelings and self-harm is used to try to cope. A very bad thing to do which, apart from anything else, can end up fatal even when there is no intent.

Those same illnesses can also make a person want to isolate themselves, as trying to cope not only with the thoughts and feelings of anxiety and depression but another person as well is too much.

May I ask if your wife currently has medical support (ie GP and Psychologist) and is being treated for these conditions? If so then the medical team need to know the current regime is not working and that self-harm and suicidal thoughts and even plans are there.

It does not sound as if the counseling you mention has been productive.

If your wife does not have medical support please do everything you can to get her to start. You will have to use your own judgment how best to do this.

How you deal with your life with her and what she needs from you are difficult things to work out, . I suggest you call the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467). You can seek their advice more than once without having to re-explain everything each time.

It is also a good starting point for your wife, without identifying the other. They are not a mediation service

What supports do you have? It is a time of high stress, worry and straight out fear. Your GP could be of help. Are there people you can lean on at the moment and speak frankly -not with a view to their fixing everything, just to listen and care.

Similarly does your wife have anyone? For either of you isolation is a bad thing.

Croix