Does anyone feel like me

[Too_sad_36]

This is the first time I’ve been on a forum, I have had anxiety for a long time , I see a Phycologist and have had other help, nothing seems to work for me . My anxiety and fear is mostly based around thinking bad things are going to happen to my kids when they aren’t around me. Right at this moment I’m struggling as I can’t deal with the fear and anxiety I have each time , I don’t want to live like this anymore but no it’s selfish to suicide , I’m struggling right now and fighting in my head what to do . I’ve got a great Phycologist but I don’t think the work we do helps , my fears are different than the norm . I have no one to talk to and no one that cares so a network of people is not what I have . I feel like a failure as I don’t want to live like this but haven’t killed myself yet . I need real help but I dint think people understand the fears and stuff I have in my head . Can anyone relate , I don’t think time helps as I’ve been like this for many years but now I don’t want to feel like it anymore.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Too sad 36,

You've shown so much strength in opening up and sharing your journey with us tonight, and we are so grateful that you decided to join us here. We're so sorry to hear how difficult things are for you right now, but please know that you are never alone here, and there will be many others reading who can relate to feeling this way during really tough moments during their lives as well. We can hear that these fears for your children, and thoughts of wanting things to end must be so overwhelming to cope with, but we hope that you can find some comfort from our caring, and understanding community here. These forums are a safe and supportive space to talk through these thoughts and feelings, and our community is here to help offer as much conversation and advice to help you through this really difficult time.

Our Support Service is also trying to reach out to you via email as we're worried about you. 
Please know that there is always somewhere to turn in dark moments like these, and help is always available to you, whether it's from our kind mental health counsellors at Beyond Blue (1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467). The lovely counsellors are here for to you 24/7, as often as you need during overwhelming moments like these.

You're never alone in this, and we hope that you keep reaching out here on your thread whenever you feel ready. Our community are here for you. 

[smallwolf]

hi and welcome to beyond blue.

firstly, yay for posting here and writing about what concerns you. Thats takes a bit of courage! On people understanding your fears, with those people I can confide on, I sometimes start with a disclaimer like "I know this sounds stupid but...".For me it is an argument between the logical and emotional - something should not get at me but it does. Generally this is because of some past experience.. for me. It is obvious that you love your kids very much and also natural for a parent to concerned. My issues are different to yours but I felt that I was the only one that could not cope. After i came here I found people with similar experiences that accepted and supported me.

I can go one step further and say that if I am doing something else then I stop that spiral of negative talk. Even writing something down can help stop the talk.

I dont know how much you want to share here, or how much you have shared with your psychologist. What I can be if you want is a sounding board for you. My kids have finished high school and at different stages there were different thing to worry about. Perhaps not to the same extent as you. I can listen if you allow me.

Tim

[JStevens]

Hi,

I too am new at this forum stuff don’t even do social media.
I feel some of what you are saying. I’ve tried many things and it just hasn’t helped and each time tried to feel positive.
You are so so not alone when you try things and they just don’t help I am like this too.
I wish I could give you a big huge hug right now

[Guest_342]

Gosh, that's tough. You're spot on when you say your fears are different than the norm - that's because we all experience this differently. I thought I might share a bit of my story with you.

I too was in a dark place and was exhausted with life. I have lived with severe anxiety for a long time. It really came to a head in my mid to late 20s. I'm 36 now. While I have found many people who can relate, and to whom I can also relate, I've never found someone who shares the exact same experiences. My anxiety, at my low points, tended to cling to my health (excessively getting STD blood tests, convincing myself I had cancer or a heart condition), my family members' health, compliance with the rules - unreasonable fear of getting speeding fines, of making mistakes in my tax returns, breaking the law on the job, and the list goes on. Your anxiety may cling to other things. But, either way, it's exhausting huh?

I let many amazing moments pass me by while I was busy ruminating over things that I now know I had no control over and therefore didn't need to exert my energy on.

I too found a psychologist didn't help. By that time I had dug myself so deeply into that pit of anxiety that I needed a circuit breaker before I could use the techniques offered by my psychologist.

I finally got a referral for a psychiatrist. But when calling to make an appointment found there was a four month wait. I was devastated, at which point I asked my parents if I could visit to talk about some problems I was having. It just didn't do me good to keep it to myself. The relief I felt pouring my heart out and allowing the tears to flow was like nothing else. I went to see my regular GP - I basically conveyed the fact that things were serious and could not wait. I got that appointment with the psychiatrist and I was prescribed something that still helps me today (I won't go into the details, as that's a matter for your doctor). It didn't alter who I am but allowed me the mental space to take a break from my worries and be able to apply the strategies the psychologist was teaching me.

It might not seem like it now, but there are things you can do, with some help from others, to help you get towards a really fulfilling life. I know from experience that it doesn't have to stay this way.

This feeling won't be forever - you just need to meet your loved ones and/or health carers half way and let them help you while you also help yourself. You needn't be embarrassed. You can do it - big hugs xo

[Guest_342]

Just thought I'd add a little note this morning to give you a big virtual hug.

You're a winner and you can get through this. You just need a little bit of help - no shame in that 🙂

[therising]

Hi Too sad 36

I feel for you so much as you do your best to face your fears. Such an overwhelming challenge at times.

Being 'Mum' to a 15yo boy and 18yo girl, if someone had have told me before I had kids how incredibly fearful such an experience would be, I'm not sure I would have gone ahead with being a parent. Can honestly say, I've never been so emotionally attached to people like the way I am with my kids. With such great emotion comes great love and great fear. Wondering if you can relate to that obsessive need that arises when you have a newborn. The need to watch them when they're sleeping just to see if their chest is moving up and down can be consuming. It's a horrible feeling, that kind of fear and it doesn't stop there, as you would well know...

Fearing whether they'll make friends and the right ones becomes an issue. Fearing the physical and mental pain they may face in life can feel torturous. Fearing those in the world who may cause harm to our gifts, our children, plays on the mind of one so in love with their children. The exhausting list of things we fear for our kids can be overwhelming.

One thing few people mention when it comes to parenting is the courage involved. It takes incredible courage to let go of managing for our kids. The best we can do is teach them the skills they will need in order to navigate life and be there for them when they need us. It's especially hard when we haven't been taught certain skills our self. As a mum, my kids have taught me the skill of letting go carefully and courageously. It takes a great deal of compromise on both parts. Throughout part of our negotiations, they have led me to see what I need to let go of. I have many parenting traits I picked up from my parents, some subconscious. Some of these traits get in the way of my kids living a more fulfilling life. Openly discussing feelings is a new parenting style for me. If I was to say 'I feel fearful in letting you go out at night' my daughter may say to me 'You have nothing to fear, these are my plans...' My kids have gradually raised me to be a more fearless person, through our communication with each other. While I could read many parenting books, none would compare to the education I get from my kids. Our kids are wonderful teachers at times.

I admit, if our fears relate to our own personal experiences or traumas, the challenge becomes even greater.

You are sensitive, caring, loving person in a deeply challenging process. Be kind to yourself 🙂