No trust left!

[MissJ94]

Today has just proven that i cannot trust anyone.

Had just finished putting groceries away after picking them up. Sat down to think about what i was going to have for lunch(was starving at the time but now i just want to vomit) then there was a knock at the door.

Was the police! Immediate thought was what the hell has happened now????

The last time i had to deal with the police was when someone was harassing and stalking me at work about 2 months ago. They took a statement and that was it.

They explained why they were at my front door : apparently i had sent an email to centrelink telling them im going to kill myself!! And they were doing a welfare check.

1. I have no memory of sending such email. I didnt even think centrelink has an email??

2. If i really wanted to kill myself, centrelink would be the last people id be telling.

3. Even though ive been feeling shit the last few weeks, i havent had thoughts of suicide.

So i dont know how this has come to be! Has someone pretended to be me?? Did i actually send an email off but some remember?? I mean my medications make me sleepy and i have been that tired in the past where i have unknowingly answered calls but to write an email? I dont know whats happened.

Naturally i freaked out. They start asking more questions and of course after whats happened in the last few months, i broke down! Then theyre asking more questions and if id be happy for the community mental health team to cone around to talk. Told them i dont feel ready to talk about it yet and certainly wasnt going to in front of my son. And they werent happy with that were that!

So i had to literally wait there for 20mins while someone came out. I had also called my mum to come out, she was 5 mins away.

Even when the community mental health team came they almost threatened me telling me if i wasnt going to talk they will admit me to hospital!!! Told them, im a nurse, i know how these things work, whos to say i would actually talk about the issues i have right now even if you admitted me. They basically said i could be there until i talk. I dont even remember what i said next its mostly all a blur now!

So im just so freaking pissed off. Whose done this?? Im already stressed, depressed and anxious then this happens only to heighten it! I really feel like i cant trust anyone! Feels like no one is on my side! I just want peace! Im sick of all this drama! I truly am sick of it all!

[Sophie_M]

Hey MissJ94,

Thanks for reaching out on the forums today,

We are so sorry to hear about the police visiting your home. We can imagine how stressful and overwhelming this must've been and certainly doesn't seem helpful for your mental health. It's concerning to hear that you or someone else may have sent an email without your knowledge. Could you check your 'sent' folder to determine whether it was you or not? It's great that you're seeking help here on the forums and we really hope some of our community members can offer you some advice and comfort.  It might also be beneficial to you to talk through your feelings with a counsellor. To do so, please contact the Beyond Blue Support Service anytime on 1300 22 4636 or get in touch with us on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST here: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport. One of the friendly counsellors can offer you some short-term support but also provide you with advice and referrals for seeing a counsellor in a more ongoing way if that's something you feel might be helpful to you.

We hope to hear more from you soon,

[MissJ94]

Thanks for your reply.

They had me check my sent folder for my email. I checked both of them and, as i knew, all the sent emails were related to job interviews, my sons birthday cake and my sons schooling. Nothing that even mentions suicide or self harm!

My plan was to see my psychologist again to talk about what happened at my last job but even now i dont think i can for a while longer now. Beneficial maybe, but no way i can for a while now. That trust for anyone has just gone right out the window for now. I cant even force myself to eat right now, i just feel so sick with this. I just want to hide!!

To think i had neighbours walking past my place and them seeing police and the mental health team standing at my front door.

I just really needed a place to vent..

[tranzcrybe]

You are certainly under much duress, and an empty stomach can make us a little edgy - the timing of the police arrival was unfortunate.
From their perspective, it was important to ascertain your safety and any reluctance to cooperate would have raised concerns that compelled them to remain. That said, the MH team should have sufficient training to offer a more supportive environment - looks like they were also having a bad day!
You might want to contact centrelink for a transcript of the 'email' (or communication) - it shouldn't be denied since it allegedly came from you so that makes it 'authorised' (paradoxically).
Be sure to check the last time you (or an imposter) logged in - your MyGov account may have been hacked or your device was used in your absence (particularly if you have saved passwords).
While there are reasons not to trust some people, tarring all with the one brush may not advance your cause. Perhaps your mum could have taken your son to the park allowing you to talk freely?
BTW, don't pay much heed to neighbours - a squad car could appear for lots of other reasons and, unless the MH team had specific branding to that effect, I doubt they would be any the wiser - it's just a novelty for passers by who like to sticky beak.

[MissJ94]

Maybe.

Ive never had a great opinion of police anyway. I had my mum call the police on me a few times as a child due to mental health related, even times where i wasnt even doing anything at all! I had a time there when just came and took me to a mental health ward, i was 13. I had a time they took me and i was in a cell for a few hour, i was about 14, all i was doing was watching tv at the time. No one ever explained why those things happened and it has caused trauma and a massive distrust of the police. I know i had mental health issues back then, i had issues with not going to school due to the depression and anxiety and yet those things happened.

So of course im very reluctant to cooperate with the police. I dont trust them at all. They didnt help me as a kid, they made me feel like shit. Whenever i see them now i feel sick, i start shaking, i start wondering what have i done now! Thats even if i just see a cop car or walk past one at the shops or even if ive had them come to work when i was working. What have they ever some to make me feel safe? If anything they are the ones who have made me start self harming and have suicidal thoughts in the past and even present. I dont even know if thats classified at PTSD or something.

Whats the point anyway of getting a transcript of whatever was sent. No point now, they had already come out! I will be changing my passwords though once i can login there on my laptop. Cant even trust them idiots now.

The mental health team said that they will have someone from community mental health contact me again some time this week but its voluntary if i want to answer. So now im even fearing that if i dont answer their call whenever they call ill have a huge crowd out the front of my place again!

Urgh!!!!

[tranzcrybe]

Hey J,
That does make a difference - not only trust issues with police, but betrayal from your mum to effectively throw you in the deep end.
I can understand the reaction from what you describe.
Getting a transcript might reveal something as to who sent it or even jog your memory - check the way it was worded perhaps to see if it is something you would say or not. You did ask who could have sent it so it's up to you either way. Good idea to reset passwords though.
I would encourage you to take advantage of the MH team to talk through any issues if only to have yourself removed from their watchlist, but just opening up to them might reveal a softer side and ultimately restore some of your trust now that you are an adult. Again, it is entirely up to you as it sounds like you're feeling boxed in. Your wellbeing is the objective and there may be resources you can access with their assistance.

[MissJ94]

Thanks for the reply

It seems that something was actually sent because i got an email today from centrelink saying if i wish to discus my complaint further to contact them.

Opening up would mean ripping the bandaids off on 20+ years worth of issues. Not what i want to be doing when my son is at home with me. School doesnt return until next week and even then

I just actually learnt that it was the paramedics that were at my place too the other day.. had a call from the community mental health team who actually said "i understand you had the police and paramedics at your home a couple days go?". Of course i couldnt see them, i cant see the road from my front door. Of course the police would have come up first to sus things out, risk minimisation strategy or whatever they call it. Why am i not surprised with that.

Why is life so difficult when mental health is involved..

[tranzcrybe]

A chat to centrelink should address many questions and set the record straight - you can decide how to proceed from there.
I guess we can become overly defensive when under pressure, sometimes feeding our struggles into daily life without even realising it, since it becomes so ingrained in our thoughts.
Small things such as a clenched jaw or a tight shoulder only registers once we've let it go. Do you think removing a few bandaids could help lead you to this awareness?

[MissJ94]

Ive tried removing some bandaids in the past but its always lead to me feeling like im stupid for even letting it get to me or that whoever i talk about it to just doesnt give a crap.

Stupid because i never realised that my ex was actually raping me for years and i thought that was just normal behaviour when in a relationship. Stupid because two of my ex's had financial and emotional control over me. Stupid because even though i had been harassed and stalked at work, no one gave a crap so why would anyone give a crap about worse things that happened with the ex's. Plus so much more! Its like im a sack of trauma that has legs.

[Sophie_M]

Hi MissJ94,

It sounds like you're dealing with a lot. We're really glad you could share here, and we can see it's really good to be talking it through. 

If you'd like to reach out to a counsellor about this, please remember Beyond Blue are here for you, on 1300 22 4636 or via webchat (11am-12am AEDT). There's also 1800 RESPECT on 1800 737 731 or webchat, and Blue Knot on 1300 657 380 (9am-5pm AEDT).

Thanks again for sharing, MissJ94. You never know how you might be helping others who can relate to what you're going through. 

Kind regards, 
Sophie M