A failure, and rightfully so

[DecemberFly]

Hello, first time poster and apologies if most of this post is venting.

At my age (28F) I haven't had a single lasting job that made me financially independent. I came to Australia as a young adult on my own, and due to naivety and negligence, I always ended up being tricked out of rightful pay, ended up doing my absolute best on unpaid labor with hopes for paid work that never come, and just financial uncertainty after another. I also ended up with tons of work rejection, either for visa reason, lack of work experience, and one time, just blatant racism. There's over a hundred of these rejection in fact and it ate me up so much, I have instant anxiety whenever I logged in to job seeking sites. It always felt like the word 'Failure' just hung over my head.

After a turnover in my choice of career, today was supposed to be the first day I could start work and hopefully change that life around. And instead of working I fell sick and due to the current situation with Covid, I was told not to come in. I cry myself with worry over whether or not I can still keep that work, I feel like I started of my first step very, very wrongly, and could only uselessly cry as I try to salvage this situation by calling the employer and even started applying for work again. My parents back home were extremely disappointed, as I know it's very shameful that I'm 28 who only now could have the hope of a stable career and I blew it. They kept shouting at me that crying is useless, but it's not like it's a faucet I can just turn off when I want.

Worse of all, and the reason why I'm here, is because I found myself going back to self-harming. The reason for the career change was because, though I was not diagnosed and did not have the funds to do so, I suspect I have depression, considering the few suicide attempt I had before and just general feel of uselessness and listlessness that goes on every day. Like everything I did will always end up as failure anyway, there is no point in trying. Every day of my life, every little thing I do always felt like it has a massive consequences and it cause even the smallest, most irrational failure to make me break down.

I'm aware many of this experience and my failure is rightfully my own fault, because i place myself in this situation and I am responsible for the many situation I ended up in. But if I want to keep living, I don't want to keep feeling like this. Please give me advice on how not to slip back to old habits like this.

[Sophie_M]

Hi DecemberFly,
 
Welcome to the forums and for your honest and open introduction. It sounds like you have been keeping your pain and stress inside for such a long time. We want to applaud you for reaching out and seeking support today.

Do you have any external supports at the moment such as a GP or psychologist? Do you have a safety plan to help you with your thoughts of self-harm?

If you feel like you may act upon your thoughts, would you consider calling Lifeline on 13 11 14 to discuss how you feel and strategies on how to keep yourself safe?

If you feel like you may harm yourself, this would be an emergency and you should call 000.

If you would like to talk to someone tonight, we would recommend that you get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals.

We hope things improve shortly and we hope you keep the community updated as to how things are in the future.

[Croix]

Dear DecemberFly~

I'd like to welcome you here to the Forum, a good place to come as many others here have faced hard times, and that brings experience, understanding and most often a desire to help others and ease their path.

It makes me sad to see you say it is your fault.

I guess if you a told often enough you are not worthy you come to believe it -that's a down side of human nature - to blame oneself when it is not justified. All those rejections seem to be telling you that, and it's hard to keep on realizing it is a reflection of the job market, not you.

It is the people such as yourself, stuck in the grind of job application after application, being rejected or just ignored, who are the ones that deserve praise and respect. After all if one is in a stable job, earns reasonable wages and all that goes with it -that's comparatively easy.

From the sound of it you have not lost that job yet, in a covid environment anyone reporting sick is likely to be told to stay at home, so please let us know what happens - it is so easy to think the worst.

I do not know the status of your visa, if you are entitled to Medicare may I suggest you see a GP (my apologies if you are already under treatment) and set out frankly in a long consultation what you are facing, and your using self harm to cope and mention you suicidal history too (even if all this is very hard)

I could not make myself better when I was having the same feelings (and attempts) as you and kept getting worse until I told someone, then a weight lifted a bit (I was surprised at that) and I started on the way to where I am now -a good place I'm happy to live in. Took a while but worth it, lots of GP and Psych plus other things.

If you have been conned and worked in expectation of a paid job , only to be lead on and on, that is a reflection on the employer, selfish and unscrupulous - dishonest. The fact you believed what you were told is a reflection on you - to your credit. People tend to regard others in the same way they expect of themselves. If you are honest you naturally expect others to be too - does that make sense?

When you are down there are people to talk with, places as mentioned in the email you would have received, such as the one I particularly recommend, the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467). They are there for you and it can help get you through better than you expected

Do you have any friends you can talk with, just to feel cared for?

Hope we talk some more

Croix