Never been so lost (content warning: distressing themes)

[LCS]

I have been through a lot over the last couple of years and I don’t know how much more I can take.

It all started ok and then over time my 25 yr marriage began to break down. One issue was I was never violent or confrontational which led to my ex making me argue and talk. Over time I focussed on the negatives including seemingly not being able to do anything right. Intimacy was lost barring maybe once a year or so. She told me she had no feelings down there after the children and didn’t enjoy it and I believed her and wasn’t one to push things. I then found a large stash of sex toys which when I questioned her she claimed they weren’t for personal use which I know is a lie. I also found a sticky note stuck to a toy with a work directors number on it that I never questioned her about. She also said something in bed which I never disclosed to anyone but wasn’t good. I turned to online porn and chatting to others. I went through the unexpected loss of my sister and a few weeks later lost my mum to dementia. My daughter announced on social media she was transgender and there were many other things happening at the time.

I then did something that appals me to this day and others may feel that I don’t deserve to live. I have spent time in prison, thousands in counseling and a program I chose to do on the outside to help understand and prevent this happening again especially given my own experiences of abuse which some don’t believe happened.

I feel like no matter what I do I will never be able to make amends. I recently was terminated from my dream job just because of rumours.

I had started a new relationship 5 months ago and disclosed this to the lady I was seeing a few weeks in when it became obvious we were really enjoying each other’s company and things were moving forward. It was a difficult conversation to have but I didn’t want to hide it. The relationship was on and off for 5 months and despite her saying she would support me and saw me for who I was not what I did I don’t think she ever stopped worrying about what others would think if they found out and it has now ended.

not enough room for everything but I feel worthless and world is better without out me and no one love me

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear LCS,

I wanted to call in earlier, but unsure of what to say...I felt sad I made you tear up...I know you said it wasn’t anything I wrote to you...,It’s just who I am, if people are hurting I also feel their hurt...not physical but spiritual hurt....

I agree with you about the media...They will do anything for getting their rating up, regardless of how much damage they can do people...

I do admire you so much, by wanting to help teach people of the harm that can be done to them...You have a good heart and I wish your gf can see that...as well as other people...

Is their any other way that you can find..to help teach others...I don’t know very much about anything really, but I have heard of blogs or blogging..not sure what it’s about though...or something else on the Internet world...

I really do hope that your life turns around for you...you really do deserve a break and some peace in your life....some people are so judgemental, as if they haven’t made wrong choices...and can be very hurtful to people...I really am sorry that all happened to you...

I don’t go out much at all...only my volunteer job, and shopping after it...that’s my life now in a nutshell....Talking about volunteering..is that something that you would consider?....idk just thinking out loud I suppose....

I had a rough day yesterday, and pleased that Christmas is over for another year...Later today I’m going to try and sit outside when the world is asleep and enjoy the solitude that night time brings...

I hope today was a little better then yesterday, for you...

Sending you my care and a hug...🤗...if you need it...

Only kind thoughts for you dear LCS..

Grandy..

[LCS]

Hi Grandy,

Thanks for the thoughts.

I don’t ask that people dismiss my mistake but I do ask for the chance to be forgiven and prove my worth.

Imagine if everyone that did anything wrong and learnt from it was tarnished with that their entire life. Would it be fair to treat a drink driver as a habitual killer on the road that could have killed people even if they didn’t and never touched a drop of alcohol again in their life to continue to harass and humiliate them as if they had done something at the worse end of the scale.

Thats how life has been and continues to be for me. No-one talks about all the good things I did for nearly 50yrs including raising thousands for leukaemia over many years, all the people I helped or what I have done in the last 2yrs since my offending.

If my offending had been at the top end of the scale of severity or even medium, then I could probably accept the treatment I get.

I know not everyone will agree to that and some will wish me dead. I would hope that they would then be willing to apply the same principles to themselves and their loved ones if they do something wrong and be prepared to sentence them to life or a bullet if they drank drove because they could of killed someone. I don’t really wish that on people but maybe you get the point that some people are very judgmental when it comes to others but all about minimising or justifying their own bad behaviour by comparing it to someone else’s.

yes, I would consider volunteering as I want to give back to the community as I have in the past but I have to declare my convictions and that in itself will probably exclude me from most volunteering as well as put me in a vulnerable and exposed position due to judgemental and violent people

[LCS]

Ggrand (just realised I misspelled your username all this time)

also meant to say I was sorry to hear you had a rough day yesterday and I hope today and 2022 will be good for you.

I guess my day today is better as I had to go to work but it hasn?t stopped me checking my email dozens of times hoping for a reply from the lady I was dating but I fear she has blocked me to be hard on herself as she put it, whatever that means.

is it meant to mean that she really wanted to be with me but what I did makes her feel she can?t because of what others think?

I know she fears her adult kids walking out if they find out and bikies in the local fire service wanting to bash me if they find out whether or not these are realities who knows, perhaps they are.

I just struggle that I hung on every word, she told me multiple times she wanted to keep me forever and we discussed holidays, looked at houses and all sorts and then all of a sudden it?s just turned to shit like I am the worst person in the world.

[LCS]

Well here we are months down the track after being told we would get married, build a house and that she needed me. Dumped like a piece of garbage. I should never have tried because no matter what I do it's not enough. People will define me by my few weeks of stupidity for the rest of my life so what's the point in going on. As much as it hurts to admit it, I really felt like I was taken for a ride.

I left myself vulnerable and exposed by disclosing what I did. It's painful because everyone else gets to minimise or hide what they did and because I am honest (not proud) people seem to use that as a yardstick to measure themselves against whilst not being honest about their own past or hiding it.

I will never date again because it hurts too much and I won't lie about my past as much as it doesn't represent who I am, so for what is left of this miserable life I just want to be alone. Well I don't want to be but I have to be because society has deemed I have nothing to give even though I have done more good in my past than lots will do in their lifetime. I even joined a mens shed to try and give back to the community, but honestly, why bother.

I wish I had dealt with this long ago and not been stupid enough to believe anyone would want me or there was any future worth looking forward to

[LCS]

Well its all over, feel like I was used when it was convenient and then tossed away when it wasn't.

Invested soo much time, effort and money into something I was told and believed would last forever.

Feel as if I should never have tried. All I have done is wasted a year of my life and now right back in a depressed state where I was when all this started only now I am on flamin anti-depressants which I never ever wanted to take and never had taken before.

Even changed my name, threw away old memorabilia. There is nothing I wouldn't have done for this lady's love. I feel as if I was used for sex and support when she needed it then cast aside when it was convenient.

Even got up in the middle of a worknight and spent 2 hours driving around for her to and from hospital for a family member.

Still don't know if I am going to lose my home because of a greedy ex and her nasty incompetent lawyer.

Why bother trying anymore, just going to be lonely for the rest of my life, depressed and probably lose my home.