Never been so lost (content warning: distressing themes)

[LCS]

I have been through a lot over the last couple of years and I don’t know how much more I can take.

It all started ok and then over time my 25 yr marriage began to break down. One issue was I was never violent or confrontational which led to my ex making me argue and talk. Over time I focussed on the negatives including seemingly not being able to do anything right. Intimacy was lost barring maybe once a year or so. She told me she had no feelings down there after the children and didn’t enjoy it and I believed her and wasn’t one to push things. I then found a large stash of sex toys which when I questioned her she claimed they weren’t for personal use which I know is a lie. I also found a sticky note stuck to a toy with a work directors number on it that I never questioned her about. She also said something in bed which I never disclosed to anyone but wasn’t good. I turned to online porn and chatting to others. I went through the unexpected loss of my sister and a few weeks later lost my mum to dementia. My daughter announced on social media she was transgender and there were many other things happening at the time.

I then did something that appals me to this day and others may feel that I don’t deserve to live. I have spent time in prison, thousands in counseling and a program I chose to do on the outside to help understand and prevent this happening again especially given my own experiences of abuse which some don’t believe happened.

I feel like no matter what I do I will never be able to make amends. I recently was terminated from my dream job just because of rumours.

I had started a new relationship 5 months ago and disclosed this to the lady I was seeing a few weeks in when it became obvious we were really enjoying each other’s company and things were moving forward. It was a difficult conversation to have but I didn’t want to hide it. The relationship was on and off for 5 months and despite her saying she would support me and saw me for who I was not what I did I don’t think she ever stopped worrying about what others would think if they found out and it has now ended.

not enough room for everything but I feel worthless and world is better without out me and no one love me

[Sophie_M]

Dear LCS

It sounds like you've been through alot, together with significant grief and loss over your relationships. It takes a lot of courage to reach out to our online community and we’re really glad that you have.

Even though you're remorseful of past actions, we want to remind you that all life is important, including yours and you have significant strength and deserve to live, not just survive.

We hope that you find our forums to be a safe and supportive space to talk through your thoughts and feelings. Our community is here for you and we trust that our online members will stop by to provide some support. 

We want you to know that there is always extra support available to you, whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors Beyond Blue (available 24/7 on 1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

We hope that you stay safe but strongly urge you that if you feel like acting on thoughts of ending your life, then this is an emergency and you should contact 000 immediately.
 
Keep checking back in with us whenever you need to.
 

[Learn to Fly]

Hi LCS,

As Sophie said: thank you kindly for reaching out and joining us here on the forum. It takes a lot of courage to bring up such personal issues, even if it’s anonymous. Sometimes the courage is needed just to face these uncomfortable truths by ourselves. To face them, name them, become accountable, remorseful and eventually working hard to help to fix the things up and preventing them to ever happening again. From yourself or others. You seem to be doing all of these things and as I said: it takes courage to go through all of these processes. Courage, energy, efforts. Appreciate this in yourself and work on finding other values in you that make a change. A positive change to you or others, even if they don’t know that they owe this to you. Learn to appreciate yourself and how hard you have been working to improve and change the strong tides in your life.

[LCS]

I just wish others could see that I have not been and will not ever be a repeat offender.

People may feel that what I am about to say is common sense and I should have known and probably they would be correct, but, through doing the program I chose to do (not because a court or someone else made me) I understand how much people get hurt from this behvaiour.  I was lucky that the people that subjected me to sexual abuse in my early teens did not have the means to publish and distribute what they did. I was told I could report this and it would be taken seriously but I don’t feel that I could prove it.

I could understand if I was a habitual or repeat offender but to be tarnished and judged for life over what happened over a couple of months is difficult and to be treated like shit and told I need a bullet is not helpful. People try to justify and ignore their own bad behaviour in the hope that highlighting mine makes theirs acceptable.

Even the person I fell in love with got her licence suspended for drink driving and then for a further 12 months for driving suspended. She was big into drug taking years ago and even told me about a son that had to get out of the country before being charged for selling drugs and being deported. I don’t judge her for any of this, it’s in the past but the way people dismiss that behaviour and then want to kill me for mine is tough to swallow. I am sure if you spoke to someone who lost someone to drink driving, suspended driving or drugs they would have a completely different opinion of things.

i can’t lie to a lady about what I did even though it disgusts me and it’s not who I am or what I believe is acceptable so I think for me the chances of finding anyone are over.

It’s also not helping with my son and his pregnant girlfriend living rent and chore free under my roof with zero respect for me or my house.

I guess for some people no amount of time or good will ever be enough. Today I feel a little better but other days I just feel like I don’t deserve to be here and maybe it would be easier if I wasn’t and they can have whatever they want

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear LCS,

I read your post as I do another posts here non judgementally...and feel that you did do wrong, but you learnt from it, done your time, have been doing counselling and are very sorry for your mistake...and definitely won’t re-offend.....You have chosen the right way to walk on your journey of your life since being released....

I don’t think that you can ever change a person from judging you...and I’m sorry you are constantly judged....We can’t undo the past...but you can try to move forward and live the best life we can...Which by your words you are doing...

It would be hard to tell anyone what you have done in the past...I really do commend you for your honesty with this lady you were seeing and I’m sorry she broke up with you...If she had loved you for the person you are now..I think she would have supported you....

Please don’t give up on trying to find peace in your life...or finding someone that will care enough for you to be supportive of you...

Maybe a little talk to your son and his pregnant girlfriend about having some respect for you and the home you have very kindly let them live in...might help...idk...but I’m thinking if he was ashamed of you...he wouldn’t want to be near you...but he is with you, living with you so he still must be acknowledging you as his father...

I hope I’ve not said anything to offend you at all...I read your post when you first posted but found it very difficult to talk to you...not because of your past...but because this is a very delicate subject and I didn’t want to say wrong towards you or the other people reading or posting....

My kindest thoughts Dear LCS..

Grandy..

[Learn to Fly]

Thank you for your response, LCS.

I am wondering: have you ever heard or checked if there are any support groups that you feel might be of assistance to you? Online meetings (due to Covid)? I wouldn’t know, if there are a lot of people living in a similar circumstances as yourself but even joining a group of ex offenders of various crimes trying to genuinely find their feet back in the society and struggling with the same society’s judgment, blame, lack of support etc. What do think of that? Maybe you have already tried it.

Also, I agree with excellent suggestions from Grandy and mainly the one about having a chat to your son and his girlfriend. You shouldn’t feel uncomfortable in your own house and it would be welcome to see them appreciate your willingness to help them out.

[LCS]

Hi,

Yes I tried an ex offenders group and I found many of them trying to justify their actions and thinking they were pretty smart by not reporting things to the police that they should be. All in all I found it very distasteful and these are not the sort of people I wish to associate with.

As for the son and girlfriend, unfortunately they just say what you want to hear at the time and I think my only choice is too actually sell the house to get them out because they just ignore me and my requests for financial assistance and help around the house. They won't wash their own dishes, they spill paint and rubbish around the place while he works on his car that he was going to have fixed a year ago. It's got to the point where I had to go and buy a new vacuum cleaner because they refuse to return mine and have put a lock on the door. I now keep toilet paper and clothes detergent in my room locked away. They use everything including the dryer at night when I use the washing line (can only get to 1/2 of it because of his broken down car) to try and save money. They buy junk food and car parts and live on the dole between jobs. It's pathetic and if I try to reason with them all i get is ignored, threats of violence or threats to plaster my photos, address and what I did 2 years ago all over facebook.

It's part of the reason the lovely lady I met broke up with me, because of their disrespect.

I called the police, but they just lie to the police and he has even admitted as much.

[Learn to Fly]

Hi LCS,

Sounds like you have definitely tried quite a few things to improve the things between yourself, your son and his girlfriend. Selling a house sounds like a serious move and I am sure this would not be a light decision for you. Sometimes, as difficult and stressful as they are, new beginnings can bring unexpected turnarounds in our lives. I don't want you to feel like I am throwing big ideas at you but you sound quite desperate and you had mentioned the possible sale of the house by yourself, so my question is: would you or have you ever considered starting everything completely anew? Moving to another town or city and giving yourself a second chance and a new start in life? Please disregard my suggestion, if this is too big for you at the moment or completely out of place.

[LCS]

A couple of months on and yet again it’s all gone tits up.

I booted my son and his girlfriend out after escalating violence.

I get that disclosing what I did is difficult for any potential partner to get their head around and I hate myself for that behaviour but I can’t hide it because if it comes out it will just make things worse.

I thought I found that perfect lady and even though the last 7 months have been on and off again it looks like me disclosing my shit behaviour earlier in the relationship is a dealbreaker despite all the assurances I was given that my honesty was appreciated and it would be the best Christmas and birthday it’s all come tumbling down.

I took down the Christmas tree we put up together and have no idea what to do with the Christmas cake we baked together and fed for months. I am completely devastated and have had my heart broken into so many pieces again and again that I won’t ever give it away again.

The pain is unbearable and I left her presents at her house outside tonight in tears. There won’t be anymore relationships. I can’t go through the pain of having to disclose my offending to someone I fall in love with.

We looked at houses together and were planning a future together. She was always top of my list to the point where maybe I neglected myself a bit to put her needs first. This list is endless and I just wanted her to see I was a good person and that I truly loved and cared for her especially when she had been in a long term relationship with a narcissistic husband who treated her badly.

I feel completely gutted and lost. My past seems like it will haunt me forever denying me jobs and a living relationship. Already been sacked from one job unfairly based on nothing but rumours but it was too expensive to fight it.

Yes I did wrong and I was punished for that. For 2 years since I dobbed myself in effectively I have been battling with the consequences and never even considered reoffending which will be proven when I reach the end of my life.

Tonight on the way to work I actually thought about how I could be back with my mum and down-syndrome sister in heaven.

I think most everyone would be happier if I was gone, life doesn’t feel worth it anymore

[Sophie_M]

Hey LCS

Sounds like she means alot to you and that youre really struggling at the moment. Christmas time often makes things even harder.

Know that you are not alone and our online community here for you. We have sent you a private message as we are concerned about you. Please check your inbox.

Please remember that if at any point you wish to act on thoughts of suicide, then this is an emergency and you should contact 000 (triple zero).