Never been so lost (content warning: distressing themes)

[LCS]

I have been through a lot over the last couple of years and I don’t know how much more I can take.

It all started ok and then over time my 25 yr marriage began to break down. One issue was I was never violent or confrontational which led to my ex making me argue and talk. Over time I focussed on the negatives including seemingly not being able to do anything right. Intimacy was lost barring maybe once a year or so. She told me she had no feelings down there after the children and didn’t enjoy it and I believed her and wasn’t one to push things. I then found a large stash of sex toys which when I questioned her she claimed they weren’t for personal use which I know is a lie. I also found a sticky note stuck to a toy with a work directors number on it that I never questioned her about. She also said something in bed which I never disclosed to anyone but wasn’t good. I turned to online porn and chatting to others. I went through the unexpected loss of my sister and a few weeks later lost my mum to dementia. My daughter announced on social media she was transgender and there were many other things happening at the time.

I then did something that appals me to this day and others may feel that I don’t deserve to live. I have spent time in prison, thousands in counseling and a program I chose to do on the outside to help understand and prevent this happening again especially given my own experiences of abuse which some don’t believe happened.

I feel like no matter what I do I will never be able to make amends. I recently was terminated from my dream job just because of rumours.

I had started a new relationship 5 months ago and disclosed this to the lady I was seeing a few weeks in when it became obvious we were really enjoying each other’s company and things were moving forward. It was a difficult conversation to have but I didn’t want to hide it. The relationship was on and off for 5 months and despite her saying she would support me and saw me for who I was not what I did I don’t think she ever stopped worrying about what others would think if they found out and it has now ended.

not enough room for everything but I feel worthless and world is better without out me and no one love me

[LCS]

Thanks for your concern but I am honestly not worth it.

She means everything to me but that’s gone and maybe I deserve that for what I did 2yrs ago.

They say honesty is the best policy but I am not sure it is. My punishment for the rest of my life is to not be loved, be single and have my short period of offending made to feel like that’s all I ever was and will ever be just to make other people feel better about the shit they do and hide

I feel like my life is over

[Sophie_M]

Hey LCS

We hear you but every life is important including yours. We realise it may not feel it right now, but with the right support, we can learn to feel resilient again. As previously mentioned, we have sent you a private message as we are concerned about you. Please check your inbox.

Please remember that if at any point you wish to act on thoughts of suicide, then this is an emergency and you should contact 000 (triple zero).

[LCS]

I am soo down today, I spoke with my Dad and he's pretty much the only one I have left. I am scared that I'll go to hell even though I am not really religious. I think today could be the day my pain finally ends. No-one really cares, some people will be dancing in the streets, so I may as well make someone happy

[Ggrand]

Hello dear LCS..

Im so pleased you spoke to your dad and he is there for you..

Even though we all could be hundreds even thousands of miles away, and we don’t get to physically see another person from Beyond Blue...we are here for you and we do care....

I am just popping in to wish you a very Merry Christmas..and hope that in some way the light of Christmas will enter your beautiful soul today and give you some peace...

Lots of Christmas hugs if you like hugs....I think everyone does...and if I could physically give them to you I would..,

My care lovely LCS...🎄🎄💚❤️🎄🎄💚❤️💚❤️🎄...and hugs..

Grandy...

[LCS]

You sound like a lovely person Grandy and I wish I could have lived my life without making the mistake that I made, but after 2 years its painfully obvious that people are never going to allow me to move forward from that day regardless of what I do to try and make ammends, so effectively my life is over. The only thing that scares me now is if it doesn't work properly and I am still around in some form

[Sophie_M]

Hey LCS,

Thank you for joining us this morning, we're really grateful to have your presence on the forums and we hope we can make today a little less stressful and overwhelming. We're very sorry to hear how low you're feeling today. We can hear you feel a lot of guilt and shame. We're sorry to hear that the people in your life have been unable to accept your apology, it may be that they need more time. We think it's important to be kind to yourself through this time. Please know our community is here today to provide support, so if you feel like sharing more, we are here. 

Our Support Service is trying to reach out to you via email as we are worried about you. We hope you know that there is always help available to you. We would urge that you do seek professional support to help you work through these thoughts that you're experiencing. If you are not sure of how to access mental health support, please contact the Beyond Blue Support Service anytime on 1300 22 4636 or get in touch with us online (11am...

Thanks again for sharing here, LCS.

Kind regards, 

Sophie M

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear LCS,

I don’t think that anyone has never made a mistake in their lives....I made a big well massive mistake 40 years ago which resulted in me not raising my middle son....It was kept a secret until he came looking for his birth parents...Thats when my other 2 children found out...

They ignored me for a few years, because I denied them there other brother, when my middle son found me...We tried to connect with each other...but because of my guilt I couldn’t and still can’t find a connection with him....Which really is so very sad....

They have all forgiven me...but I haven’t forgiven myself...even though I’m trying to....My counsellor has told me, that I need to forgive myself...and move forward as that mistake cannot ever be undone....

My mistake cost 3 brothers a life growing up together....I hurt so many people with my mistake...and my mind keeps reminding me of it...each time I talk to my children..

Try hard, as hard as you can to try to stop being so hard on yourself...we all make mistakes....we learn from it...as you have, because you said you won’t re offend....I can’t re offend because my mistake was a life time mistake....You have another chance, you have a right to live your life the best you can...and to live it for you...I feel you don’t want to disclose your past to anyone you don’t want to, but you did because of the beautiful and honest person you are....If people don’t accept the person you are now...That is their loss...because they are judging you for your past and not who you are now....

The lady you though was the perfect one for you...really should have known the person you are now, the caring person she met 7 months ago....and what you did a couple of years ago would not have mattered to her...if she truely loved and cared for you.....

Honestly LCS.. your posts truely show what a beautiful, caring person you are...You deserve to be loved, cared for and respected for the person you are today...because that is who you are..you are not your mistakes...you are not your past...you are who you are today...and every day..

Merry Christmas...Dear LCS...I care and like you...the person who writes so honestly and openly and who lives in this moment...

Grandy..💚❤️💚❤️🎄🎄..

[LCS]

Grandy,

I sit here in tears after reading your response and its not because you shouldn't have written what you wrote and its not because you upset me. People make choices based on what they think is right (mostly) at the time and hindsight is a wonderful thing. The thing is this lady I love is not perfect and I am not going to air in public what she told me as she told me that in confidence but I feel as if I gave my all, put her and her adult children first time and time again including most recently sleeping in a hot car at the airport for 3 hours after my nightshift just so she didn't have to pay for an Uber when she flew home from work and then got disposed of when she got bored or decided she couldn't be with me because of what I did, but everything she says is so contradictory and it has resulted in my life being in absolute turmoil to the point where I worked out how I was going to end it all and that feeling hasn't left me yet. The only way that anyone is ever going to believe I won't repeat the mistakes of my past for some very good reasons is when I am dead. Maybe I should just stop all their speculation now. I will never be in another relationship, nor happy. I feel as if I have lost everything and people won't be happy until that includes my life as well.

[Sophie_M]

Hi LCS,

We are glad to hear from you again today.
 
Feeling lost, alone and unhappy are incredibly difficult sentiments to live with. We care and are here for you. We have contacted you via email to support you as we are worried about you.
 
If you find yourself in a situation where you become an immediate danger to yourself, then this is an emergency and you should contact 000 (triple zero).
 
Our friends at Lifeline are available on 13 11 14, however if you do not feel like talking on the phone, details of their SMS Text service is also available through here: https://www.lifeline.org.au/crisis-text/

Kind regards, 

Sophie M

[LCS]

Yes I am honest about what happened (and what did not happen) but that hasn't gotten me anywhere but heartbroken and feeling like a worthless piece of human trash. I can't see that ever changing because I can't lie about what happened and because the media had a field day with it a simple google search reveals their opinions about what happened, not the facts. This has resulted in me losing 2 jobs that I worked hard to get. The media don't care how much damage they do or who they hurt. I told them this and they said we are not taking it down because its fair reporting, there are no right to anomimity laws and it will prevent others from offending.

What a load of BS. It won't stop anybody offending. If I could I would run a service teaching people of the harm that this does and encouraging people to get help but you can't because the law doesn't allow it and people would rather be ignorant and instead of confronting the problem and fixing it they just say the only fix is a bullet and leave it at that.

I will be alone forever unless she realises what she's lost and its probably the only thing that stopped me taking my life today. The thought of what if I had and she changes her mind. The reality is she probably wont and when I finally come to the same conclusion I have nothing left.

So much for honesty is the best policy........honourable but untrue I feel