Meeting new therapist while acutely suicidal

[BreathingDead]

Last week my therapist and I said Goodbye because she “referred me on” - aka gave up/threw me away.

I adored her and I now regret not trying harder or making more progress or whatever it was I failed at…

Anyway, I have NEVER felt more hurt or more broken. I have done “life” for many decades and I really, really SUCK at it. The only thing keeping me here is the impact that suicide has on people who have to deal with it - elderly parents, siblings dealing with elderly parents, and my kids.

i have ZERO interest in existing for “me” and existing for others is actually painful. When I am not at work, the days crawl and I have to endure minute after minute. Alcohol “helps” but that becomes the problem. 

Anyway, I have an appt with a new therapist this week and I should be selling myself like a product so she’ll agree to work with me.

If she rejects me, I know I CANNOT continue being alive. I actually feel physically SICK from the effort of passing time.

So, do I cancel the appt or do I go there and pretend I’m keen to change and “looking forward to working with her”? 
If I lie, there’s a vague chance she’ll agree to see me but it would be under false pretenses. If I tell her I just want to end it and lay out the reasons, she’ll run a mile (RISK is expensive and NOT the friend of private practitioners) and my kids will have the inconvenience of organising a burial and sorting out legal stuff…

I can’t reschedule. I barely got through this weekend.

What do I do? The 48 hour cancellation fee policy looms…

Please help.

[indigo22]

Hi BreathingDead,

Welcome to the forums, I am so glad you found your way here and thank you for reaching out to us.

What you are going through is very difficult and only those who have been there know just how hard it is to get yourself out of the black hole. I am sorry you are going through this.

Is it possible you are seeing what has happened with your therapist from a distorted perspective?

Is it possible that your therapist has not given up on you or thrown you away, instead has realised you are in need of more help than she is able to provide?

Is it possible that your therapist has done this for your benefit so you can get the help you need?

A good therapist will not run from the truth, if you are not completely honest about how you are feeling, they will not have all the information needed to know how to help you. I don't know what your diagnosis is but whatever it is, you need to continue with therapy to get on top of your suicidal ideation. I do know what that feels like, not wanting to be here, but with help I have not had those thoughts for a number of years now. I know it will be difficult starting again with a new therapist, but can I suggest going to the first appointment and test the waters for how comfortable you feel with the new therapist. I think it is pretty easy to assess that in your first appointment and if you feel comfortable then by all means, lay everything on the table so the therapist knows what your needs are. If you don't feel comfortable, ask for another referral until you find someone who you do feel comfortable with. Not all therapists are the right fit but when you find the right one, progress becomes easier to achieve.

You owe it to yourself to try the new therapist since you already have the appointment set up, but go with an open mind and a willingness to be completely honest about all you are dealing with, including your fear of them running if you are completely honest. A therapist will only refer you on if they feel they don't have the right tools to help you but know of others who would be better equipped.

I hope this helps and please feel free to continue the conversation if you wish.

Take good care of yourself,

indigo

[therising]

Hi BreathingDead

With you employing a new therapist, what would you expect from them as your employee? Maybe the question they might pose such as 'What brings you here?' could be a kind of springboard into the first session when it comes to what you'd expect from any new employee. 'What brings me here is me looking for 

• someone who has an open mind and is prepared to think outside the square at times
• someone who can help me make sense of my emotions
• someone who can offer me a sense of progress and vision, as opposed to me feeling no progress with nothing to look forward to
• someone who can help me pinpoint exactly why I struggle with certain challenges and changes in my life
• someone who can act as a life coach in some capacity

and the list goes on. I can understand the temptation to make yourself interesting while not appearing too challenging, though at the end of the day it's a matter of whether they're the right person for the job. You need and deserve only the best. 

It's my wish for you that your new therapist is a highly intuitive one. Highly intuitive ones are a whole different kettle of fish compared to textbook therapists (who apply a lot of what they've learned out of textbooks). Highly intuitive ones may think 'Hmmm, this doesn't feel like a textbook case of ______. I wonder what's really going on here...'. I imagine what you're after is a wonderful one, so full of wonder that you'll both hit on a lot of positive mind altering revelations as you work together. An intuitive therapist can also have a tendency to pick up on a person's misdiagnosis. For example, while someone could have been treated for depression for years, an intuitive therapist could start to get a sense of 'This is feeling more like ADHD or AuDHD (ADHD/Austism combo) with deeply depressing elements'. The new therapist could end up surprising you in some way or maybe not. 

As a 55yo gal, it took me decades to work out how to manage feeling a sense of disappointment. Not sure if it will help but I'll throw it out there in the hope that it does make some difference. I find that if I appoint someone a role to be filled and they don't fill that role, I can feel them dis-appointing themself from that role. That's the disappointment I'm feeling, them not being able or willing to fill a role. The question then becomes 'Who can fill it?'. Feeling someone not accepting or being fit for a role we so desperately want them to fill, can feel so heartbreaking at times, that's for sure. It's not always our fault they can't or won't fill it.

I get the drinking aspect, I really do. I used to be an 'emotional drinker', as a way of managing my emotions. It can take the edge off the sharp and painful emotions especially but as you've pointed to it definitely creates problems. How to feel emotions without something to take the edge off comes with so many challenges and skills, that's for sure. 

I'm hoping your first session goes incredibly well while offering you one or two pleasant surprises you can really feel. While it may feel like you're continuing down the same path but with a different guide/therapist, I hope it ends up being a whole new path with exactly the right guide. I truly hope you feel the difference.

[BreathingDead]

Thankyou - that was a very thoughtful response. “dis-appointing” themself made me smile a lot.

Tomorrow is the day. Hoping I’ll be witty and charming, worried I’ll be timid and tearful… BIG sigh!

[therising]

Hi BD

Tearful and timid's okay. It'll give them some insight into part of your nature. Personally, I find different people and situations trigger different parts of me and I've come to learn to stop declaring 'What's wrong with me? Why did I behave like that when I wanted to be more like this...' and start thinking 'Hmm, well that's interesting. I wonder what triggered that part of me to come to life?'. On occasion, I do still get seriously annoyed with myself. It's still a work in progress, working on bringing parts of me to life when I really need them, such as the super confident part of me or the highly intolerant upstanding part of myself. 

Redefining 'disappointment' was a game changer for me, especially in my marriage. While being able to feel what can be depressing in life, this ability to feel tends to force me to wonder, explore, redefine and more. Wondering, exploration, redefining etc tends to keep the harsh and brutal inner critic in check. I think it helps to be truly fascinated by ourself and how we tick, rather than judging ourself harshly and brutally. 'Well I'm definitely and interesting one, that's for sure' is a more lighthearted take on myself. Took me decades to reach that conclusion. Hoping you tap into your witty and charming self or the part of you that comes to serve you the most in your session today. I'll be thinking of you. All the best. 🙂