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Maybe help should come in a different approach
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61 years and I'm still here but what is the point, its not going to improve, I feel certain 61 years of this mongrel depression has proved that and I'm so tired of it, tired of everything that goes with it, like the guilt that you just want to be dead but everyone telling you " no you don't, just hang in there, reach out, there is help if you just reach out" for many that may be true, but for so many of us reaching out has been a nightmare that only made a bad situation worse, for many of us it is just going to be an endless painful struggle till at last our numbers up, so how does it make sense to "just hold on" what would make more sense is legalize assisted suicide, so us hopeless cases could leave this world in a humane painless, no fuss or mess way, not for those who can be got past a rocky patch and will come good but those of us that will never be free from Depression it would really help. It would be great to have a legal team as part of it to help get your affairs in order so as not to leave a mess for loved ones when they least can cope with all the rig mer roll that comes with death. I know a lot of people will think this is horrid as they feel life is precious and what I would give to feel that way, I did once when 1 med worked for years, life was great and i wish I could get that back but the medication stopped working and 45 ECT's, countless combinations of medications, therapy, TMS and positive thinking has done nothing to bring it back. Depression really really sucks and I'm really really tired of fighting an unwinnable battle
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Hi, welcome
I've read your post a few times, gone away and made coffee, thinking, thinking... I'm your vintage and having endured depression, bipolar, aspergers etc I've regularly been where you are now so I wont go through the generical recommendations but to offer what could be a new wave of thought patterns.
One thing me ex wife once said that resognated with me was- "Tony, if you took the time to watch a bee collect nectar or to watch a flower bloom from beginning to the end... you'd realise the value of life and it costs nothing". So well after we split in the 1990's during one of my "sitting in a playground tears falling events", I tried it. I watched the magpies communicating and it began to make sense. Since then I've tried that say 4 times a year usually when I'm processing a low point. Then one day after listening to my favourite guru "Maharaji Prem Rawat on youtube, I took his advice and climbed a hill and sat to watch the sunset. He said "a sunset lasts 2 hours... so how many of you have watched a sunset"? I sat on a large rock and watched, totally still. After an hour a small bird landed on my shoulder then flew away. At the end of the sunset I left and for me that was as close to what I felt was missing in my life- connection, peace, cleansing of mind.
It didnt extinguish any depression but what it gave me was knowledge that as depression comes and goes , while under its spell, I shouldnt fight it but to implement my positive approach to it when coming out of it. This "timing of motivation gave me a sectional process. All the while I knew life when out of the cycle was now worth waiting for, it gave me purpose and value.
You have compassion or you wouldnt worry about that legal process upon your passing. You've gone through all the recommended medical journeys that leave painful memories. When all hope is lost ... you create new hope, thats how we never give up.
Below are some threads I value highly. You only need to read the first post of each. I hope they help and that you remain here as its a good community open 24/7/365. Post anytime and a member or a community champion will come by and answer.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BhrtbBrMQ1Y
https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/depression/depression-and-the-timing-of-motivation/td-p/149708
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W3aFh7OJMNA
TonyWK
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Thank you for posting here and for sharing with us how things have been going. It sounds like this has been a long and arduous battle for you and we can imagine it must feel exhausting.
We hear how reaching out in the past has made things feel worse, but we hope that this is a community that can feel supportive for you. Our counsellors at the Beyond Blue Support Service are here for you too if you ever wanted to chat, however we understand is this is not something that may feel helpful right now.
Our community is here for you 24/7. We hope that you can take good care of yourself and visit here whenever you need.
Kind regards
Sophie M
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Thankyou White Knight and Sophie, I appreciate that you are here and listen and my comment on reaching out was not aimed at you kind people here at beyond blue but at the structure of support I deal with locally, there is no stability as the doctors get chopped and changed a lot so you just start working with one to find he/ or she is moved on and there is someone new who has a completely different opinion of what my problem is and how to approach it, I try to keep an open mind but some of there theories and suggested treatment plan are so far off its worrying, I don't need to be screwed up any more than I already am, I've got that well and truly covered all by my self thankyou very much
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Dear Roadsend,
I hear you in that I have had a number of poor experiences in relation to reaching out in the past. My first therapy experience involved the therapist acting unethically and caused significant damage. Fortunately now I have a good psychologist but I had to persevere a long time and try a few people until I found her. I agree it can be very hard finding the right GP too who really understands your experience.
I have read an article I found that I thought may be of benefit to you about the way depression is commonly seen and interpreted in the medical system and society generally. It is in Psychology Today and available online. It is called “We’ve Got Depression All Wrong. It’s Trying to Save Us”. You should be able to find it by googling it. Instead of understanding depression as a problem of the mind and distorted thinking, it understands it as being a natural biological defence mechanism and survival response that leads to a state of immobilisation. It takes away the idea of depression as pathological. Instead it sees it as logical and adaptive. When it is reframed this way it can be empowering for those with depression as they realise it’s a response where their nervous system is actually trying to help them. It can then become possible to start working with the nervous system to gradually move out of the state of immobilisation which can be greatly helped if you have support from practitioners who understand things this way. Unfortunately many do not know how to work in this way which can be very limiting and increase feelings of shame and failure in the person living with depression.
It’s an understanding that has really helped me and enabled me to work with my body to begin to shift out of being immobilised and move towards feelings of safety within myself. This has involved emerging out of a freeze response and returning to a state of relative calm and safety where the body has let go of the need to lock down in a state of immobilisation. This is a work in progress for me but it does take time as the nervous system gradually learns a new way of being. When leaving the freeze response we temporarily enter the fight-or-flight state on our way back to equilibrium. But the activation of this state can cause people to feel anxiety causing them to lock back down into freeze/depression. However, with increasing awareness that everything the body is doing is trying to protect us, we can gradually learn to pass through this activated state on a way back to equilibrium. Going gently helps too.
For me, the state of equilibrium has been rare in my life because of lifelong trauma. However, I’ve had some experiences of it now which has shown me the potential to heal from both anxiety and depression. I have been helped by approaches such as Polyvagal Theory and Somatic Experiencing that understand what the nervous system does to survive and how to work with it to heal and restore a state of goodness/wellbeing.
So I guess what I am saying is sometimes the common approaches taken for depression are not reaching the core issue of the nervous system needing to shift, thus the depression remains chronic. One of the best ways for this shift to start to happen is through meaningful social engagement with kind others which switches on the social engagement part of the nervous system. But when in chronic depression it can be hard to even begin to socially engage. That is where a kind, insightful therapist who understands these processes can be really helpful. The understanding and kindness of the therapist can be a catalyst for this shift to begin (what is called co-regulation).
Sorry for such a long post. I didn't know how to express it more briefly. But I just thought the above mentioned article may be helpful.
Kind regards,
Eagle Ray
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Hi Roadsend
I can understand your way of thinking and feeling and my heart goes out to you. Long term depression can be extremely different from episodic depression in a lot of ways. As a gal who's experienced both, I'd have to say episodic depression not only offers relief but it also offers time to make better sense of what is so depressing. With long term, the desperation just grows and grows (without a break) until it become too hard to cope or live with.
While long term depression for me began in my teens and ended when I was 35, now at 53 I still to this day have a deep fear of returning to it. Every period in depression for me comes with some fear. Every period has also come with some revelation. I never realised how many different causes for depression there could be 'til I came across a number of them myself. As each was treated for what it was, the period in depression ended. This always leads me to wonder about misdiagnoses or people being treated for depression as opposed to being treated for the reason/s behind it. With there sometimes being a number of reasons for being in a depression, all rolled into one, there can also be a string of reasons, one thing after another with no break in life.
You hear some people say in life 'If I was treated for sleep apnea, I wouldn't have been depressed for so many years', 'If I was strategically guided through the challenges that come with high functioning autism or ADHD, I wouldn't have been depressed for so many years', 'If I'd met just one person who led me to some mind altering life changing revelation, I wouldn't have been depressed for so many years', 'If I'd been taught how to find the kinds of people who could raise me through my challenges, as opposed to bringing me down or leaving me alone with those challenges, I wouldn't have been depressed for so many years' and the list goes on and on. For myself, I'd have to say the greatest and perhaps the most helpful revelation came as 'I have the ability to feel what's depressing and that's not my fault (it relates to my ability to feel what's depressing)'. The fact that others can't always identify the reasons for that depressing feeling or the fact that others can't get a better feel for what I feel becomes my problem. Never being raised up and out of a depression (a deep well of pain and suffering, with varying levels from dimly lit around the top through to completely dark at rock bottom and everything in between) can feel like hell on earth. The depressing lack of energy and the tortuous inner dialogue would have to be 2 of the worst factors.
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Hey mate, sounds like me plus 10 years. I'm 51 and my situation is pretty much the same, I know exactly how you feel and like you, I can't catch a break. I hope you find what makes you happy.
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@RoadSend
Firstly, I agree with what the others have said. But I also want to know what makes you a "hopeless case" as you put it in your initial post? I would also understand you not wanting to tell your story, given your experiences with therapy (?) and the probable telling of your story over and over, but I would be curious to know more about your 61 years alive...
@DamoC,
Can I ask what makes you happy? (And welcome... I have not seen your name before)
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