life moves too quick, i dont want to keep falling behind

[zea]

No matter how much I pray and affirm myself that my day will be better today and that I need to keep pushing, one thing happens after another. I walk into school and feel like throwing up, my friends keep blaming themselves whenever I can't bring myself to be around them so I feel too guilty to sit away from them, so I force myself to be around people when I can't. Even if I explain it, they don't listen, so I don't bother anymore.

I can't do my schoolwork, I fall behind. I sit in class and stare at my book until it's over, I don't want to be there, I overanalyze if I breathe too loud, I don't want to be noticed.

I don't know how to process my emotions, between being way too happy or feeling nothing at all, leads to my self destructive behavior which I wish would just stop already, I hate being this way, but when everything gets overwhelming and I feel like I'm being shoved out of my own reality, I want to do anything to stop the feeling of too much and feel little constantly.

I want to disappear, I can't bring myself to care about being selfish these days, no one really enjoys being around me either way, I am just convenient to talk to and make people laugh, I am easily replicable.

Saying 'I want to die', is easy but I really do not want to, the idea of that is horrifying, but I can't stop my intrusive thoughts. I want to battle this because I know within me that there's hope and eventually I will find peace in my life, but right now, all I can do is spiral endlessly. 

[Sophie_M]

Hi zea,

We want to thank you for the courage you have shown in sharing your story with our online community.

We can hear how incredibly overwhelming it has been to process your emotions, and being stuck in this endless spiral. Please know that we see you, and can see how strong you have been in navigating these challenges.

Though it may feel like it right now, you are not easily replicable. You are important and deserve the support you need.

You don't have to go through this alone. We are here for you, reach out anytime Talk to a counsellor - Beyond Blue - Beyond Blue or call 1300 22 4636 . Our lovely friends at Kids Helpline are available 24/7 by phone or chat if you need to speak to them: Kids Helpline | Phone Counselling Service | 1800 55 1800 | KidsHelpLine.com.au

If you feel you are unable to keep safe to please not hesitate to call 000.

Thank you again for your bravey, Zea. We know our wonderful community will spot your post soon and provide the lovely support they do.

Warmest Regards,

Sophie M

 

[smallwolf]

hello and welcome.

thank you for sharing your story and what you are going through. That takes a bit of courage.

You mentioned school in your post ... it was once said to me (actually the class) that school days were the best days of your life. This was in the mid 1980s. Yeah /s 

I would disagree with that statement. 

And I wonder if there is someone at school, such as a teacher, or counsellor that you could talk to. Perhaps you've already tried this? Let me know?

While my journey in healing is in the last years, one thing that might have been good was that if my thought and feelings and actions were recognized at an earlier time in my life then things would be different now. 

And as a parent and one with MH issues, one thing I have tried to instill in my kids is honesty and if you have an problem to let me know about it. I understand that not all parents are like that. But this could also be an option - to talk with your parents? 

Finally, there are also the services that Sophie mentioned as well. 

We (you AND/OR I)  keep going each day to get to that place of hope etc. Just hoping we might both be able to get there. After all, with everything that happening, you sort of deserve it. Listening if you would like to chat more