Why not?

[Qwerty]

1. Hi everyone, I'm in my 50s, depressed and have been all of my life, unemployed, no money, hate my life, hate where I live, chronic illnesses.

Have wife and 3 small kids.

Why shouldn't I just unalive myself? Yes it's selfish but why can't I be selfish just once?

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

I'm saddened by your post.

I wish I could list the many reasons to stay alive Qwerty.

So, I'm 69yo, at 40yo I separated from my 1st wife, 2 little kids. I wasnt aware I had mental health issues at the time (eventually... bipolar, anxiety, depression etc) but I'd been pushed too far by her for so many years. One week before I left I tried to end my life. My brother had suicided in 1978 and my uncle later on. 

What came out of that was a new breath of fresh air, a new beginning. I was depressed for 8 weeks in a caravan park then on my daily walk I spotted a block of land. I secured it. My deposit was actually from my credit card. Anyway I built a kit home. I worked around the clock in security work and building the house. But then again I had a lot of ability as a tinkerer jack of all trades.

I decided when I moved into my home 12 months later that I'd never consider an attempt again. I would consider all options. 

My advice is to talk to your GP and get a referral to see a psychologist. You can even get free visits. I've done that a few times and it has worked out well.

I think you know the answer to your last question. My daughters knew of my attempt so fast forward 21 years and about to walk my eldest down the aisle she said "thanks for making it here dad". I knew what she meant. Had I not made it there some other guy would have had to... not her father.

For these reasons please see your GP. Sort some issues out, little people are looking up to you.

We are here 24/7/365, just post and wait. If you need urgent help ring life line or the number at the bottom of the screen. 

TonyWK

[smallwolf]

Hello and welcome.

I’m really sorry you’re feeling this way. That’s a lot to carry, and I can’t imagine how tough it must be for you right now. But please know—your pain doesn’t define you.

And it probably feels like there’s no way forward, but that’s depression talking. It lies, making it seem like nothing will ever get better. But things can change, even if it doesn’t feel that way right now. And you don’t have to go through this alone.

I’m around your age, and while I might not fully understand what you're going through, I do know how heavy life can feel sometimes...

Have you ever been able to talk to someone—a friend, family member, therapist, or support group—about how you’re feeling? It won’t fix everything overnight, but you shouldn’t have to carry this all on your own. There are people who care and want to help, even if it’s hard to see that right now.

Just take one more step today. Listening ...

[Qwerty]

Well, several months on and nothing has changed. I thought I'd feel better as the months wore on, I'm sitting here now and I've realised that nothing WILL change. 

I don't think my wife loves me anymore, she certainly won't miss me and I'm sure my kids will forget about me in 6 months.

My health has worsened and I'm supposed to find a job, I really feeling like not being here anymore.

Yes, I know this post is a bit 'me, me, me' so I'm sorry about that.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Qwerty,

We can hear how much you’ve been struggling, and we’re really sorry that things feel so painful and hopeless right now. It takes courage to open up about these thoughts, and we want you to know that you’re not alone in feeling like this.

It sounds like you’ve been carrying a lot; worries about your health, your relationship, and your sense of purpose and that’s an incredibly heavy load.

You don’t have to carry it on your own. Support is available 24/7 through Beyond Blue (1300 22 4636), Lifeline (13 11 14), or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467). These services can help you stay safe and begin finding a bit of space from those thoughts.

You matter, and your story matters. Please keep reaching out. There are people who want to help you through this.

Take care,
Sophie M

[white knight]

Hi again Querty

Smallwolf said something that struck a nerve he said "depression lies" and it forces us to paint a bleak picture of the future.

When my daughter reached 28yo she got married. As I spoke to her before walking her down the aisle she looked at me and said "thankyou dad for making it here". I knew what she meant... that I survived my depression before I left the household some 21 years earlier.

I want to ask you- do you think your outlook would change for the better if you left your family home, lived alone and had your kids visit or at least take them out to outings like the cinema or events? Or you left and found real love again? I'm interested.

Also it is all about you, this thread is yours, you are entitled to it fully. 

Sophie_M has contacts that you can pursue if you need extra support. Please- you are valuable- depression lies.

"If all else fails we should point ourselves to anything that used to give us adrenalin, excitement and peace which will allow us to value life again. That direction in itself will prevent others hurting and once grown your children will focus more on you and your worth as a father"

TonyWK 

[smallwolf]

Hi there. And i am putting myself in your shoes here.... something you said in your post struck a chord with me and then conversations with my therapist. 

For myself, when depression kicks in, statements similar to what you have said came to the fore. Whether these thoughts were true or is another matter. Talking about this with my therapist brings out the obvious question of what evidence is there...  Me... I don't have any. Now it may not be that particular incident but there also comes the time when I would get told (suggestion actually) to have a chat with wife about X and in those conversations I find out that wife does actually care about me. It's just me brain or mind tells me otherwise.

I hope this is similar for you.  If I am permitted to ask a question, have you chatted with your wife about this.

Now this won't necessarily help with the health problem you have hinted out, but maybe to know that you do not have battle this by yourself. 

Side note... the forums here have been updated and on the old forums, I was communicating with one person about journeying with them across a bridge where things looked better on the other wide. The bridge does have any length per say, but each day passing is one step closer.

Lastly, the "me me me" part is totally understandable. Your post was just describing what is happening.,

Listening