Wanting to disappear

[lost_empty1]

Hi everyone, I'm a bit nervous about leaving this comment as I've never really spoken to anyone about this. I don't even understand entirely how I feel and so if I can't understand it, how am I supposed to be able to explain it?

I feel like I just want to disappear. Cease to exist. I don't particularly want to kill myself (in all honesty I think I'm too scared to) but I don't want to be here anymore. But all I think about is death. Dying. However it may happen as long it happens to me. Finally being at peace. I feel worthless and helpless. I have no passions or desires. I'm just constantly scared I guess... and empty at the same time if that makes sense.

I feel like I don't belong here and I don't think I really want to. I hate compliments and people telling me I deserve to be here because I'm such a wonderful person with a bright future and so much potential. But they don't really know me. Not like I know myself (and I don't even really know myself. But what I do know, I hate). Truth is I just don't want to be here. I love my family and friends and I am so grateful to have them in my life. They make me happy. But they're just a distraction because when I'm truly alone, I realise just how unhappy I actually am and it scares me. They think I'm ok. Maybe it's because I act ok around them. Whenever someone says what they like about me it's always to do with how contagious my smile/laugh is, my bubbly personality etc etc etc. But I'm miserable on the inside. Always. If they knew what went on in my head... it'd be the shock of the century to them.

I'm probably typing all of this in the wrong forum and I'm sorry for wasting everyone's time I just really needed to get this off my chest.

So yeh, thank you to anyone who read this... if anyone read this

[Sophie_M]

Hi lost+empty,

Welcome to our friendly online community - you have come to the right place. We are so sorry to hear that you're feeling that you don't want to be here anymore. Feelings of emptiness and worthlessness are really tough to deal with. Please know that you don't have to do this alone. We are getting in touch with you privately to check in and offer some extra support.

We can hear that you're feeling really unsure of how to seek help, and worried about telling your family or friends. You've taken a great step by reaching out here. If you want to speak to a counsellor, please know you can do this for free over webchat or telephone if you get in touch with Kids Help Line. They are a confidential and anonymous, telephone and online counselling service specifically for young people aged 25 and under.

We also have a page on how to have the conversation about how you're feeling with others. In case you wanted to check it out, it's called “Talk about it"” and you can access it here- https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/have-the-conversation/talk-about-it

Thanks for reaching out as we know you were nervous to do this for the first time. We hope that you find some comfort here in the words of wisdom and kindness that our community can offer.

[TheBigBlue]

Hi lost+empty,

You are definitely in the right place! And reaching out for support is a very positive step.

So thank you for being brave enough to share your feelings. I think many people here (including myself) have worked through very similar feelings.

So you definitely aren’t alone & this is a safe space if you want to talk or share more

[Doolhof]

Hi lost+empty,

I too welcome you to the community here. I'm sure many of us can relate to what you have written. I will say, you have expressed yourself very well.

Has it helped in some way to write down what you are experiencing?

Sometimes I experience something similar. I have been looking for ways to help me feel more grounded, more in touch with who I am and my immediate environment.

Some people try mindfulness. I was taught to sit quietly and take the time to really notice what is around me. My mind has me feeling very disconnected at times, this is a way of getting back to the hear and now.

Can you think of things you do like about yourself and expand on them?

People here care, this is a safe place for you to explore how you are feeling.

Regards from Dools

[lost_empty1]

Thanks for the welcome Dools.

It has in a way helped that I've gotten some of this out, however it seems to be just a quick fix and as most of us know, they don't last and then we're back to square one. It's good to hear that mindfulness helps you out in feeling more connected.

I have struggled with severe anxiety most of my life and have tried pretty much everything. One thing I learnt pretty early on about myself is that meditating does not work for me. I tried it. Found out that I didn't like being alone with my own thoughts it only stressed me out more. Seemed to do work quite the opposite and do more harm than good.

I would say more so the last two years I would slip in and out of depressive states as I really started to think more about myself, my life and the future and what I found is that I didn't like it. Any of it.

I had also had some dangerous thoughts multiple times a couple years back but I got the news that a girl I went to school took her life and that kind of put a halt to those thoughts for a few years. Truth be told it hit me really hard. I don't really know why, we weren't close. Sure we spoke a few times and when I hung out with her friend group she really made sure I felt welcome and was the only one that spoke to me but we more just knew of each other and were friendly in passing. Anyway now it feels like these thoughts have hit me like a truck out of nowhere and I don't know how to make it stop. I don't know if I want to make it stop. Everything just feels like too much and I just want to escape. That's the only thing I do know. I just care too much about everyone around me to talk about it with them or do anything to change their perspective of me. That's another thing I worry about. My parents already too much about things I couldn't give them another thing to stress over and I'm not worth spending money on for therapy or anything.

Thank you for replying btw it's nice to know someone cares. Even if it's a stranger on the internet. I think that's probably why it's easier to open up so much

[lost_empty1]

Hi TheBigBlue,

Thank you for calling me brave. I feel anything but, pouring my thoughts and feelings onto a forum hidden behind a screen and a username but it did somewhat help. I'd also like to thank you for helping me realise that I'm not alone and these feelings are not abnormal, something I often forget. It's just hard sometimes

[Sophie_M]

Hi lost+empty,

It's good to see that you've made some positive connections in the community. It's good that you've started recognising some coping methods that don't work for you. Can we ask what kinds of things have been helpful for you in the past?

We're sorry to hear that these thoughts have hit you like a truck. As you are not feeling comfortable speaking to your parents about how you're feeling, we would again urge that you do get in touch with Kids Help Line to talk through these thoughts.

Please feel free to keep us updated here on your thread whenever you feel up to it. 

[Andre_P]

To be honest mate a lot of that is how I feel. The biggest thing is I must get over my fear.

Before my fear I was a pretty happy guy, not perfect but happy all round.

I know how you feel so don’t worry mate. We will all get there though ay.

[Andre_P]

Meditating helps me a bit but to be honest it’s my mum that has helped me a lot. Just her support.

I have pretty bad ocd anxiety mate and the thing I need to do is change my perception of how I view the world and change my way of thinking. Only way I know how to do this is tackle my fear. Only way to do that is to wait on my app with my urologist.

my psychosomatic symptoms were getting me down mate to the point where I was even depressed and I was today, big time ay, but I know I will get through time ay. I gotta stay positive.

work out what your fear is and make a pragmatic plan (easier said than done though)

I wish I could do more to help 👊

[mimiblue]

you honestly put how I feel currently into words ... I definitely just want to be at peace